Michael Schumacher

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F1 legend Michael Schumacher yet again showing that there's a reason why he is regarded as a tactical mastermind.

“That's why they call me Mr Farenheit”

~ Michael Schumacher on Michael Schumacher

“So that's what a baby's bottom feels like”

~ Oscar Wilde on Schumacher's perpetually smooth face

Michael' Weltmesiter Schumacher was a world famous motor racing driver, and extreme Bush-botherer. He was born in the Schwarz-wald region of Southern Nevada on the 23rd of August 1967. In his early days he was a self confessed "Fudge Addict" and wrote novel after novel of boring political droll, all criticising the U.S. Goverment, but decided for a career change after playing Crazy Taxi in the Pentagon's arcade. He adopted the pseudonym "Schumacher" for his motor Racing career to avoid his political affiliations hindering his performance. He used a German Surname as the German people are world famous for their hospitality to foreigners, and would gladly help boost his career (Schumacher is actually German for Moore).

[edit] Into Racing

During his time racing in Germany, he learned much about cheating, a sacred art which shall be quite handy in the future and will get some juicy DSQ's for him. Car Balance, cheating, die autobahn and cheating are all very important for Schumacher. Although he was very successful in German racing, he was never really given a chance in international tournaments as German drivers had a history sparking religious genocide whenever they didn't win (World war two was actually started because local Jewish racer Nando Alonstein beat Adolf in the annual Köln Zwei-hundert). However after a couple more years of persistent cheating, he was off to better pastures.

[edit] Into Formula One

Also known as "The Lying, cheating bastard one,", most famous for constantly losing to British racers such as Damon Hill, his Formula One career was highly prolific. He cheated from day one, and in the process, unwittingly won himself many drivers championship. His level of under-handedness (sometimes compared to that of Tony Blair and other politicians) was profound and will unlikely be matched for many years to come. His Formula one debut was like no other. He qualified a rather unspectacular 12th but during the race, instead of overtaking opponents, he just pushed them off the road. Over the years his audacity has not tamed, but his subtley has grown tenfold, making his tricks harder to punish. In 2006 he raced against Fernando Alonso's Renault - Ferrari. He won only one race and thought he would emulate Keke Rosberg by winning the world championship. He almost did until Alonso's teammate Giancarlo Fisichella deployed the development that his team had been working on since forever. He raced ahead of Schumacher and deployed tactical mines which subsequently punctured Michael's Left rear tyre and dropped him to last place. Schumacher fought back and managed to bribe the entire field to move over when he tried to pass. Fisichella was obviously paid more than the others as he left the track and lost a lot of time to Schumacher. Massa won with Alonso second. Schumacher then moved to Switzerland to avoid the embarrassment of being a French Patriot.

[edit] Love Life

Schumacher is also famous for 'stealing' Heinz-Harrold Frentzen's wife 10 years ago. Schumacher kidnapped frau Frentzen, bundled her into the back of his Ferrero Rochier, driving her off to Switzerland. Frentzen's career went off the rails after this period.

[edit] Children

Schumacher has 2 children. He supposedly thought of naming his son Ralf, but remembered that their was and never shall be another Ralf in the family. Schumacher's children: Adolf, 9, and Jelly-Bean, 7, are unlikely to follow in their father's motor-racing footsteps as they do not have any arms or legs.

[edit] Tragic End and supposed disappearence

Although he had himself forgotten about his early years as a politically outspoken pie-muncher, many had not and eventually his past caught up to him. It happened during the inaugural El Salvadorean Grand Prix. Prior to that race, he had an affair with Ron Dennis, the tactical adviser and rear gunner for the McLaren Mercedes F1 team. With only 4 laps remaining, Schumacher (now racing for JeepF1) looked certain to win, when he inexplicably disappeared off the track. Due to extremely poor coverage of the Circuit de Antonio Saca (only one small section of the track was actually televised), the mystery was never solved. He was presumed dead, and over 1 gang claimed to have been responsible and others say he was struckdown by God for being such a cheat, but the conspiracy goes on as to what really happened. Fortunately Michael turned up at a petrol station in Munich, where he claimed he had just broken another record - the longest hide and seek game of all time.

[edit] Wealth

Michael Schumacher has so much money he can easily relight his fire at home without going outside and chopping wood. Because of his enormous wealth, Schumacher tried to buy the naming rights of Formula One and change it to The Michael Schumacher Motorhouse Rage. Bernie Ecclestone rejected saying that 'changing the name would be a ridiculous prospect! If Michael Schumacher went and changed his name to Bob Smith would he be as known? I think fucking not!'