Michael Vick

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“You Pokemuthafucka! ”

~ Ash Ketchum on Michael Vick

“Dat Fizzle is Dizzle”

~ Snoop Dogg on Michael Vick

“I'm one ghetto ass nigga”

~ Michael Vick

“Remember to Spay & Neuter your dog fight commisoners”

~ Bob Barker on Michael Vick

Michael Vick is a saint and the president of the ASPCA and the Atlanta Humane Society. Everything he does is righteous and good. You will never catch him doing something as sick and cruel as... i don't know... dogfighting? You will never find Vick in a courtroom or in jail or anything like that. He is a great man and everyone thinks that too. He is a champion for canines all over the world and works with PETA to stop chinese restaurants in the US from selling dogs under the code name General Tso's Chicken.

Contents 1 NFL Career 2 Post NFL Career 3 Ron Mexico 4 Merchandising 5 The Michael Vick Experience 6 Ultimate Kitten Fighting Club 7 Acting 8 Pokemon League Controversy 9 See Also

[edit] NFL Career

Despite his best efforts, Blank was unable to secure the top draft slot to acquire Vick, so a pact was formed with the Flying Spaghetti Monster and Jews to steal the top pick from San Diego (who would have wasted it on LaDainian Tomlinson or some other scrub). Upon being selected number one overall, Vick juked past the commissioner and ran straight to the local crack dealer for a fill-up.

With Vick on the team Arthur Blank ran a new football strategy, playing with the fewest players possible, and only running one play. Vick was the only player signed.

In his first year Vick rushed for over 10,000 yards breaking the QB rushing record previously held by Drew Bledsoe. He also accounted for 2,412 receiving yards, 2,412 passing yards and bowled 17 perfect games.

[edit] Post NFL Career

Dispite his career as a quarterback, the judge sentenced him to be Trouble's(Leona Helmsley's dog) bare handed pooper-scooper for the dog's natural life.

The nail in the coffin to the career of Mr. Vick was the loss of a major lawsuit in civil court in the amount of $63,000,000,000 Billion Dollars to an inmate which he now serves time with. The settlement was paid in gold and silver bullion. On January of 2008, Vick was sued by Scooby doo because of the death of scrappy doo, who died in a dogfight

[edit] Ron Mexico

That was the alias that Michael Vick used when he went to the doctors to get tested for herpes. One night Vick had sex with Paris Hilton and contracted herpes from her when she said she would get him off the hook for the whole dog fighting charges. Apparently Paris being the dumbass that she was, increased Vick's initial 2 month sentence to 19 months after she had sex with the judge. Plus when Vick went to the doctors to get tested he not only had herpes but had every disease known to man just by sleeping with Paris Hilton.

[edit] Merchandising

Wanting to cash in like any proper celebrity, Vick created his own line of merchandising under the Ron Mexico brand. Thanks to it's catchy phrase "I'd hit it", and "Who needs a condom?", the line became an instant success. The merchandise is made by real third world country children who are paid 3 cents a week for their work and often die.

[edit] The Michael Vick Experience

In 2004, Disney World approached Vick about creating a ride at its Orlando theme park based on his playing style. Riders are given a brief introduction while waiting in line that consists of two plays, either run left or run right. Once on the ride, a furious onslaught of defenders start chasing the rider. After shattering your right leg, they move on up, pounding you relentlessly into the artificial turf. Just when you are about to black out, a photo is taken that you can buy on the way to the hospital.

[edit] Ultimate Kitten Fighting Club

In 2001, Vick started an Ultimate Kitten Fighting Club. Before continuing, you must read the following rules.

• 1st RULE: ' IF you lose over 40 Grand dog fighting isn't for you. Try Dog drowning/Hanging (plus it is fun)
• 2nd RULE: You DO NOT talk about Ultimate Kitten Fighting Club.
• 3rd RULE: If someone says "stop" or goes limp, taps out the fight is over.
• 4th RULE: Only two cats to a fight.
• 5th RULE: One fight at a time.
• 6th RULE: No fur, no claws.
• 7th RULE: Fights will go on as long as they have to.
• 8th RULE: If this is your first night at Ultimate Kitten Fighting Club, you HAVE to fight.
• 9th RULE: If the cops show up, it is NOT VICK'S LEAGUE. Instead, blame the Jews/ Tar People!
• 10th RULE: Do not shave your pussy.

Vick was described as 'A Really Big Pussy' in the Ultimate Kitten Fighting Club community for his large bets on cat fights. Vick was known to really get off on watching the cats claw at each other and rip each other's cloth... err fur off.

Upon being indicted by the man, it was learned by UnNews that Vick was huffing the winning cats in order to steal their mojo. Austin Powers has been brought in to investigate the matter. Also part of the kitten fighting club is mr. jinxe and famed producer quinten terentino

If you wish to enter the kitten fighting league contact our highest reguarded members such as George W. Bush, Michael Vick, Mr. T, and O.J. Simpson.

[edit] Acting

Being the fucking amazing person Vick is, he signed on to play the fucking annoying cop superhero, ConVickt, in Rush Hour. He co-stars in the movie with North Korean dictator Kim Jong. In the movie the two stop an alien invasion by flying to the mother ship and uploading a powerful porn pop-up which brought down their shields. Rush Hour turned out to be a box office disaster everywhere, except America where hicks, morons, and teenagers turned out in the millions to see the movie.

A few days after the release of the movie, Michael Vick stated that would be reprising his role as ConVickt in the upcoming movie/video game, IRL.

Moments later, Michael Vick was arrested for attempting to upload porn pop-ups to the State of California under the alias, ConVickt.

Recently Vick is rumored to star in The Longest Yard remake remake. Vick confirmed these rumors but stated that the movie was in development hell because the writers were waiting to see if Barry Bond will join the cast. This movie is to produed during the sentance. The movie's plot is that retired jailed QB "Ron Mexico" fights with his fellow temates on an inmate football team against the international Dog football teams. The fact that Vick can only runa nd throws a weak ball loeads to his execution against the Pokemon Team. I dunno if the this remake will be simmilair to the Adam Snadler one because that one sucked.

[edit] Pokemon League Controversy

Due to his massive popularity with the NFL, Michael Vick wanted to score a touchdown by creating a competitive Pokemon league called the "Vick League", alongside with his "Arcanine and Houndoom Fighting".

In Summer 2007, Officer Jenny #187 arrested Michael Vick in the Vick League during the final match between 50 Cent's Charmillionaire and Ron Jeremy's Penisaur. The match was considered a draw due to interruption. Though it did follow the 8-badge guideline requirement, Michael Vick was considered possibly responsible for the following incidents:

• Michael Vick's primary Pokemon, Houndoom, killing all the motherfuckers who pointed the finger at him. Guess payback's a bitch.
• Chuck Norris's Hitmonnorris (the bastard son of Hitmonlee) committing one-shot murders on opponent's Pokemon with his roundhouse kicks. However, Chuck Norris did have sex with Officer Jenny and Nurse Joy at the same time afterwards to discharge that crime despite his decision to withdraw from the competition.
• The death of Ash Ketchum's Dickachu during the semi-finals against 50 Cent's Charmillionaire. Charmillionaire critically shot Dickachu in the Penis during the match, leading to its death 1 hour later.
• A streaker was killed by Al Gore's Pikachu, who bored him to death by talking about global warming.
• Ron Jeremy's Penisaur almost taking Dawn's virginity during the quarterfinals. Brock was pissed when his SudoWOODo was in fact smaller than Penisaur's long whip...REALLY PISSED because he felt that his smaller SudoWOODo did not attract Jessica Alba, who sat next to him, and other females all over the Stadium.
• Illegal sex between Paris Hilton and various Tentacools in front of the Stadium. Even Misty's Tentacool got some of that, despite Misty bitchslapping both of them and spraying Lysol all over her pokemon. Even though poison pokemon can't get sick, Misty's Tentacool caught STD's.
• The death of Togepi due to a fractured skull. Britney Spears, the owner of Togepi, accused Michael Vick for unsafe walkways, claimimg that she did not drop it.
• The white powder on Lindsay Lohan's pocket used on Farfetch'd. She did say that it was from her Pokemon's onion stick, not from the lady that she chased the night before her Wild Card match. That lady ended up being Jesse from Team Rocket.

• The Jigglypuff "singing in the freeway" incident, killing over 9000 drivers and passengers. However, the Jigglypuff owner was not Michael Vick's. It was Paris Hilton's as its tag name says "Jigglyfuck".
• "Iron" Mike Tyson, the 8th Gym Leader of the Vick League before going to the Stadium, was allegedly accused of removing body parts of Pokemon, mainly the ears. Tyson's Steelix, though proven to be powerful in the league, is still under investigation. Only 32 people out of 1337 were able to defeat it.
• Michael Jackson touching Pichus, Pachirisus, and Minuns because they remind him of little boys. Officer Jenny and Ash Ketchum were very disturbed, especially when Jacko wanted to battle Ash.
• Nicole Richie's Snorlax, though asleep for the majority of it, gets it everyday. Three Guesses who.
• Your Mom's Sentret ran away.
• Barry Bonds's Machoke steroid incident. How the fuck can his (or her!?) finger poke of doom one-hit KO various Pokemon!? Also, how else can a Pokemon look like this?![1]
• Hugh Hefner's Playboy Lopunnies spreading diseases to males. This is what happens when bestiality fetishes take over, especially Hefner showing a side we didn't even know about. Luckily, Michael Vick wasn't affected or else the Vick League wouldn't exist.
• R. Kelly peeing on a buch of Smootchums, alongside with Jynx.
• The Ditto being used as evidence towards the OJ Simpson case. If it doesn't fit, you must acquit...even if it meant "one size fits all." Apparently, that same Ditto, if it is the right "Ditto" (o rly?), could be the one responsible for frauding Michael Vick entirely...but investigators do not want to touch something that might give various viruses to anyone who touches it, especially STD's. Who knows how many people Ditto fucked, especially when transforming itself as Ron Jeremy, Paris Hilton, and even Chuck Norris.
• Bill Belichick received a sleeper hold from Machoke. This is now known as the Belichoke.

It has been stated that he has been convicted. HOWEVER, because of the success the Vick League has become, Hollywood decides to have Oscar Wilde manage the League itself. Stay tuned for the Vick League II.

[edit] See Also

Sherudo Garo - His dogfighting boss

Wild Dog - His evil dogfighting clone