Michael Jackson
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“In Soviet Russia, Micheal Jackson huffs YOU! Oh wait...”
~ Russian Reversal on Michael Jackson
“I was one of Michael Jackson's biggest fans, I swear. The voice, the dance moves, the style. Then that creepy weirdo Michael Jackson had to step into the picture and ruin everything.”
~ That Guy on Michael Jackson
“Half man, Half tupperware box.. GOD HOW CAN WE WIN?”
~ Captain Obvious on Michael Jackson
“Sooo dreeaamy!!! ”
~ Ronald McDonald on Michael Jackson
“You mean that little kid with the brothers and huge hair? He's doing what now? Thats fucked up.”
~ Jimi Hendrix on Michael Jackson
“Mommy, my butt hurts...”
~ The Kid on returning from Neverland
“Come here little kiddies, on my lap, guess who's back with a brand new rap, and I don't mean rap as in a new case of child molestation accusee...”
~ Eminem on Michael Jackson
“Sometimes, I still remember what it was like to blow my first nose.”
~ Michael Jackson
Sir Reverend Michael "Molesto" Jackson III, (DOB Virgo 7, {182 Anno Declaration}/{744 Anno Magna Carta}) was born on the cusp of Libra, and widely considered liable for the dawning of the age of Aquarius, grew up to become a musical artist. He is the mutated offspring of Eminem and Randy Bishop and was once widely regarded as a black man (now considered a myth and a good pick up line). He has been fighting The Jackson 5 for some time now. Biblical scholars have been able to trace his lineage via ancestry.com to that of an ancient concubine who put her baby in a basket and sent it down the river. No, not Moses. (*See US Child Protection Services case #584958495849.)
In recent years his deviation derivation has come under intense scrutiny by the US Department of Health and Human Services. According to the 398-page report first edition, second printing, third volume, fourth chapter, fifth paragraph, sixth line and thirty-second word, this highly-revered government agency has come to the unanimous conclusion that Michael Jackson is a black man, poorly disguised in a white woman's body, much like Dennis Rodman is an alien, poorly disguised in a black man's body, as revealed by Men In Black. In his spare time, he sits on a pole in a garden at the Neverland compound in Idaho. Some suspect he is a penguin. He is also currently the Chief of the Defence Forces of the Olympic Ping-Pong Stadium in Paramus, New Jersey.
Jackson is fond of children — Ren likes him, too — and, apart from having his own, he has had friendships with a number of other children, ranging from Chinese kids to South Africans.
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You should stop reading it. Then kick your computer away and go make some nice tea. If that doesn't stop the effect, then go on foot to Mount Everest and jump, or erupt.
Michael Jackson and the Super Friends
Michael M'lesto Jackson is also well known in the super-hero industry as "The Flirt". He is mainly a stay-at-home Super Friend but sometimes he comes out to flirt explicitly with the villains. His powers are the powers of gender-confusion, the power of crotch-grabbing and falsetto. He saved the group once when he flirted with an evil doctor, who tried to kill Alyssa Milano (another of his team-mates), who became so disgusted that she committed suicide.
Childhood
Jackson grew up with what was known as Father Andre & The Jackson Five. Jackson always looked up to Father Andre, as he was a good man. It has been rumoured that Andre was an emo. Usually this is a good thing for people from that era, but in this case it is very different. Andre got married to Rapunzel early in Jackson's childhood - he was about 46 at the time. After a few years, Rapunzel got cancer and had to go for chemotherapy. Jackson and Andre were devastated by this. After this incidents, Jackson went through a stage in his life where he could not find his centre, his soul, his being. He turned to Satan worship, and soon found his true self. Getting a sex change was not easy at that time, but Jackson agreed to sell his skin to Satan, which caused Rapunzel to get cancer again. Jackson was still a young woman at the age of 63, so (s)he started a band of her own - the Dave Matthews Band. This started the Dave Matthews Conspiracy. At age 65, Jackson was infected with a sex-changing elixir from The Fountain of Youth, and became a young white boy.
He knows his nose
Or does he? Many ask how he picks his nose. Simple. Via a catalogue.
Michael Jackson as Peter Pan
After Michael Jackson was transformed from a black man into a white boy, he changed his name to Peter Pan. As the boy who would never grow up, he headed and lived with the boy band The Lost Boys.
In an attempt to deal with his latent heterosexuality, he gave Mescaline to his sister Wendy (also known as preteen prostitute Minnie Rae) and brother John. Wendy, John and a fairy named Tinkerbell had a contest to see who could win Michael's favor. While Wendy serviced Peter as his wife and mother, the effort didn't work. Wendy left and formed the lesbian girl band WAD with Alice and Dorothy. The girl group's hit "Up the WADzoo," made with the pop group The Cowardly Lion, beat Peter, Mary Richards and Paul McCartney's kid's marijuana song "Puff the Magic Dragon." But WAD's hit "Shoot Your WAD" came in at number two to Peter's number one "Eat It." Ironically WAD, which changed its name to Lost Girls, had their own number one hit in 2006 with a cover of "Eat It."
Alleged* Rap(e) Career
- not many people believe he actually rap(e)s.
Michael Jackson announced way back in 2112 that he would become a rapper using the alias The Notorious C.H.I.L.D. B.O.I.N.G.E.R. He has, under this alias, been responsible for many incidents of gang violence, the setting on fire of Camden on Halloween, and the bombing of Camden on Christmas.
People Michael Jackson Has Been Scientifically Proven To Be Better Than
- Axl Rose (although no one really likes Axl)
- Your Mom
- Elvis
- Prince
- Lesbians
- Janet Jackson
- LaToya Jackson
- Bill Oddie
- Matt Cutts
- Mufasa (of The Lion King fame)
- Rolf Harris
- You, <insert name here>
- The Beatles
- Xuxa Meneghell(whoever the fuck that is)
Summoning Him
1.) Draw a pentagram on the ground, in a child's tears.
2.) Sacrifice a male child between the ages of 3 and 14. Place the child (alive) on the pentagram with a teddy bear.
3.) Moonwalk around the pentogram whilst singing "Billy Jean" in Latin: Billie Jean est non meus diligo Is est iustus a puella quisnam vindicatum ut Ego sum unus Tamen parvulus est non meus filius
4.) If successful, Michael Jackson will rise from Hell, proceed to rape the child, and then wreak havoc on other children.
Culinary Career
It is a relatively unknown fact that Mr. Jackson once created a delicious recipe. The Jackson Burger, while deceptively simple, requires the correct aging of ingredients to produce the perfect "mouthfeel." It consists of 40-year-old meat between 3 year old buns. It is usually served alongside fries with cum sauce. (It is sold in the UK as the "Hot Cross Bun.")
Trivia
- He likes his beverages stirred, not shaken.
- Is rumoured to have a tag on his back saying,"100% quality plastic."
- Jackson owns Western tonality itself, with a music catalogue that includes publishing rights to songs by beat combo the Beatles, the Platonist singer Little Richard, jolly old Elvis Presley and others.
- In a parallel universe, Michael Jackson is really Gerard Way.
- Jackson was a poor, cute black boy who grew up to be a rich, ugly white woman.
- Jackson would like to inform any children reading this article that he's your best friend.
- Michael Jackson can extend folds of skin on his neck to make him appear larger than he actually is. This is an effective tool for scaring off predators.
- Police searching his ranch at Neverland found traces of Class A drugs in the kitchen, Class B drugs in the bathroom and Class 2c in his bedroom.
- Michael Jackson used to be black; he has since been purple, green and colourless.
- On a scale of one to awesome, Jackson has been rated "Downright hideous."
- Jackson's recent face was scanned for the leading role of Link in Nintendo's Legend Of Zelda: The Wind Waker.
- Despite appearances, Jackson is not a humanoid, fish or a space alien.
- Michael Jackson is both male and female, or a hermaphrowhitey, which is why he can have children without having a wife or a girlfriend. (Lisa Marie is a hermaphrowhitey as well, and therefore doesn't count.)
- Jackson is life-long friends with Genghis Khan, whom he allegedly got hooked on cocaine.
- Michael Jackson has revolutionised the way plastic surgery is being performed. He the first human being to receive a body bleach and a nose replant.
- Michael Jackson is more dangerous to children than a plastic bag.
- Michael Jackson bathes in squid blood at least four times every day.
- Michael Jackson used to be a keen cub scout leader - he had to give it up in the end - he was getting through 2 packs a day.
- Jackson regularly bathes in the blood of virgins to help keep his complexion creamy and supple.
- Michael Jackson and Casper are forever being confused with each other. Always remember one is pale and scares kids the other is a "friendly" ghost. (But then again, what the HELL's the difference?!)
- Michael Jackson is an alien. He was sent to replace the real Michael Jackson during that surgery. How else do you explain all his kids being white? That bleach didn't change his DNA...or did it?
- Michael Jackson invented the moon walk, a great contribution to de nasa that helped Neil Armstrong to avoid dying when exploring the moon.
- Michael Jackson's arch enemy is Michael Knight.
- Michael's first break in show business was the part of Higgins in Magnum.
- Michael Jackson was the fifth child in his family of three.
- Michael's second big break in show business was the part of Tubbs in Miami Vice.
- After the lengthy child bumming court case, which he has been acquitted, he has accepted the role of Miss Daisy in the stage play of Driving miss Daisy.
- Michael is also the proud owner of a prestigious Guinness World Record for violating 283 kids in 10 minutes.
- Michael's only fear (apart from the social services) is dancing milk. His other fear that we know of is the Sun. Why else would he have some six foot seven lacky shading him with an umbrella in broad daylight?
- Michael Jackson had planned to release a feature length, 3-dimensional film extravaganza for children, featuring only himself in 3-D, but it was thought there would be too many jokes about him coming straight at little boys' faces.
- He wears a glove because he lost his hand in a titanic duel with Darth Hitler on cloud city.
- Michael Jackson's plastic surgeon is Prince. Prince had a mission to destroy Michael Jackson, and learned how to do surgery from some girl he slept with (see I Love U In Me lyrics). Only he botched Michael's surgery in hopes to destroy his breathing orafices. But somehow Michael is still hanging on with a nose that's been mostly removed.
- He is know to have the best slumber parties.
- Michael Jackson not only has Neverland for kids to play, but he also buy them toy lightsabers. He LOVES watching the boys play with their lightsabers...
- Due to the immense amounts of plastic in his body, Miachael Jackson is bullet, knife, and ice-pick proof. He must be melted at 23,000 degrees F before any attempt on his life can be made.
- Michael Jackson will be making a guest appearance on The Naked Brothers Band. He saw the title, then the little boys in the band, and just flipped.
- Michael Jackson is like acne. Why? Because they both come all over your face when you're thirteen.
- Janet Jackson is Michael Jackson's Jamie Lynn Spears. They are both dysfunctional and slutty.
Filmography
General Films
- A Da Vinci Code (Silas, the albino monk)
- Bloodrayne (as a out of work pop singer)
- Brokeback Mountain (as Mr. Brokeback)
- Charlie Brown and the Candy Factory (as Johnny Depp)
- Chitty Bang Chitty Bang (as the Child Catcher)
- Diary of a Lunatic (as The Diary)
- Grinch Night is Halloween (as Max)
- Invasion of the Children Snatcher's (as The Alien)
- Men In Black II (as Agent M)
- Naruto (as Orochimaru)
- Pee-Wee's Little Adventure (as Pee-Wee's bicycle)
- Pokemon: Diamond and Pearl: Gigatitsna and the Bowed Gay of the Sky: GAYmin
- Revenge of the Child Catcher (as the Child Catcher)
- Scary Movie XXX (as Anna Faris)
- The House of Nosferatu (as Barlow Kurt)
- The House of the Revenge of the Return of the Son of the Bride of the Ghost of Frankenstein (as the Frankenstein Monster)
- The Phantom of Some Opera (as the Phantom)
- V/V: the Final Battle (as the leader of the Visitors [all shot scenes were cut from the finished films])
The As Himself Films
- Home Alone with Michael (as himself)
- Michael Jackson IS The Wolf Man! (as himself and as The Wolf Man)
- Michael Jackson on Mars (as himself)
- Michael Jackson, Please Come Home! (as himself)
- Michael Jackson, Please Go Home! (as himself)
- Michael Jackson, Where Are You? (as himself)
- What's New, Michael Jackson? (as himself)
The Child Predators Films
- Child Predators (as the Predator Child)
- Village of the Child Predators (as another Predator Child)
- Children of the Child Predators (as yet another Predator Child)
- Return of the Child Predators (as still yet another Predator Child)
- Revenge of the Child Predators (as still yet again another Predator Child)
- Revenge of the Return of the Children of the Village of the Child Predators (as the last Predator Child)
The Piggy Films
- Piggy Gets His (as the Mad Fattener)
- Piggy Gets His 2: Piggy on the Toilet (as the Mad Fattener)
- Piggy Got His (as the Mad Fattener)
- The Next Piggy Gets Hers (as the Mad Fattener)
The Adventures of Larry Grotter
- Larry Grotter and the Sleepover Party (as Professor Snipe)
- Larry Grotter and the Spiked Soft Drinks (as Professor Snipe)
- Larry Grotter and Uncle
MolesterFester (as Professor Snipe) - Larry Grotter and the Ender of Childhood (as Professor Snipe)
- Larry Grotter and the Bringer of Adulthood (as Professor Snipe)
- Larry Grotter and the Payer of Hush-money (as Professor Snipe)
- Larry Grotter and the New Life in Dubai (as Professor Snipe)
Discography
- Off Da Chain (1775) *May never have actually existed
- Vulgar Display of Pedophilla (1778) *The only album people knew about; album name inspired by Pantera
- Iraqi Oil iz 2 Bad (1785) *Was George Washington Carver's favorite music
- Filler (1885) *Sold 100 Million Copies on Mars
- HIStory of Modern Earth (1931 1/2) *First music to be released on High Distortion Laser DVD
- Dark Side of the Moonwalk (1975)
- Invisible (1991) *Makes my underwear tingle
- Bucket of Shit - Unplugged (2003) * Performed without his trademark bucket
- Number 2s (2003) *Has 2,000 of Jackson's best jazz operas
Jackson is currently working on a new album, to be released within the next million years. It is tentatively titled Little Minority Yum Yum (We all know it will be out sooner than Chinese Democracy.)
Shocking info on the man himself
- Shocking insights from our reporters indicate that Michael Jackson is indeed a secret agent in plastic disguise. They say his nose is a plastic explosive, and his disposable balls can be eaten (to help preserve life).
- Michael Jackson's special abilities include, melt-to-a-puddle-via-large-amounts-of heat, and the ability to seduce little kiddies into a bed and converting them into secret "Michael" spies.
Medical History
Michael's numerous visits to plastic surgeons have resulted in 537 skin grafts, several nose transplants, and a set of miniature triangle shaped nostrils. As of this writing, plans are underway to reshape his fingertips into triangles as well as his elbows and toes. His "people" claim its for medical purposes but refuse to elaborate further.
Urban Myths
- It is said by many that if you go into the woods at night whilst children are at camp, you may hear a strange "He's.... Son" in a musical tune. It is also said that when the leaders of the camp awakened, they have said to have seen a childs courpse laying infront of their camp with an errection spreaded with sperm. Footprints were also rumoured to be leading back into the woods.
See Also
- Pae Do
- Gary Glitter
- Gifted Legs Federation
- White People
- Not Michael Jackson
- Barney the Dinosaur
- Behind the Scenes Michael Jackson Trial Footage
 | The Jacksons |
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Andrew Jackson | Bo Jackson | Daniel Jackson | Jack | Jackson Pollock | Jacksonville | Janet Jackson | Jerry Jackson | Jesse Jackson | La Toya Jackson | Michael Jackson | Peter Jackson | Randy Jackson | Samuel L. Jackson | Stonewall Jackson | Who The Fuck Is Jackson Pollock? |
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