Michele Bachmann
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Michele Bachmann (1956-2056) is the new, bat-guano-crazy United States Congresswoman from Minnesota's 6th District. Michele is a card-carrying member of the Republican Party.
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[edit] Childhood
Michele Bachmann was conceived and born in the rumble seat of a runaway stagecoach during the worst nine-month-long blizzard in Minnesota history. Her father, Fred P. Bluebeard Jr., was a legendary Fuller Brush™ salesman, pirate, and part-time philatelist.
[edit] Alien Abduction Claims
In 1982, Michele Bachmann was allegedly abducted by hulking, 13 foot, gay aliens from the planet Splunk (identified in 1996 as 70 Virginis b) on her way home from a football game. She was found the next day wandering in a cornfield, still in her rumpled and soiled cheerleader outfit, her hair and brain askew. She claimed that many strange football-shaped divots on her ankles were the result of medical experiments and fashion makeovers conducted on her by the gay aliens. This is generally believed to be the source of Michele Bachmann's homophobia.
[edit] Religious Encounters
The next event that was to leave a lasting impression and guide her path toward absurdity was an unexpected encounter with the Almighty God Himself. Michele Bachmann met God while playing miniature golf when she was only 42 years old, who spoke to her from the mouth of the big frog on the 18th hole. The frog told her that, quote, "a wet bird will definitely not fly backwards in the night". It was right there on that fateful Putt-Putt course that Destiny grabbed Michele by the tonsils and shook her until she agreed to immerse herself in the wonderful world of politics.
[edit] Metaphor-Packed Political Crusade
Michele metaphorically threw herself in to a whirling maelstrom of frenetic political activity that would make a longshoreman sing like a canary in a coal mine. She approached her politics with a religiosity that would make a carnival barker howl like a house on fire. She approached her religion with a political zeal that would make the lowest monkey on the totem pole writhe in agony. Michele heeded the sacred call to crusade against the dastardly infidels of all stripes and rode her pale horse into the thick and thin of battle. She suited up and girded her loins with bovine bag balm and anointed her head with Oil of Olay. In her spare time, she picked up pin money as a repo woman for the IRS.
In 2005, God spoke to Bachmann again while she was crouching behind a burning bush. God told her to seek higher office and smite the gays, LRT fare scofflaws, Democrats and other heathens. Speaking in tongues and handling snakes, Bachmann announced her candidacy for the US House of Representatives in the 2006 election in Minnesota's 6th District, hoping to succeed the current and very silly US Representative Mark Kennedy.
[edit] Turn-Ons and Turn-Offs
Bachmann is like, way into the conservative agenda, which means she believes that abortion is icky. She also wants to ban same-sex sex, civil unions, domestic partner benefits, and supports teaching both Incredulous design and Creationism in public school science classes. In 2004, she led a failed effort to put a state constitutional amendment before Minnesota voters that would ban all "legal recognition of same-sex unions [sic] in Minnesota".
[edit] Recent Controversy
In May 2006, Bachmann apparently came out in favor of unilateral thermonuclear bombardment when she stated on Minnesota Pubic Radio in response to a question about what the US should do about Iran: "We can't remove any option off the table and we should not remove the nuclear response." But Bachmann made it clear later that she was talking about place settings and that no table setting would be complete without a mushroom cloud.
