Michigan
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- For the University constituting the only part of Michigan left under U.S. control, see University of Michigan.
“Did you know Hell is in Michigan? It's called Detroit!”
Michigan (pronounced MEEEESH-i-gan) is a small state which is really part of Russia, known for the disappearance of fun -- renowned for its attempts to challenge Ohio's monopoly on cloud mentioning contests, as well as watching paint dry. Even though Sudan has the biggest lakes in the world, Michigan is surrounded by some that are still pretty good, including the ship-and-airplane-eating Lake Superior. It is made up of two parts: the kingdom of da Yupé, where the Yoopers live; and The Mitten, where the trolls live (under "the Bridge").
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[edit] Basics
The two halves of the state are separated by the affectionately the "Big Mac", or "Mackinac Bridge". Da Yupe is mostly known for fudge, pasties, and black flies. They have all four seasons there: "early winter," "winter," "late winter," and "construction." Construction and winter are known to overlap, and last approximately 347 days of the year. The Mitten is known for being Michigan, which, when you think about, is actually worse than being known for nothing. Overall, the inhabitants are either called "Michiganians", "Michiganites", or "Michiganders," which means "male Michigan geese." This is a constant source of confusion. Michigan is also the only reason the Canadians have not invaded yet mostly cause they're scared shitless of Detroit.
Michigan's native lanuage is a derivative of Standard Midwestern Redneck, and its climate ranges between cloudy and cold depending on the time of the day. Michigan's main exports include snow, bitching about snow, cars that break down after 45,000 miles, and a hate/hate relationship with Canadian trash (technically this is an import). Ernest Hemingway's ghost can sometimes be seen roaming the various curling rinks of upper Michigan, although only Canadians actually know what curling is. Other attractions include snowboarding, snowmobiling, skiing, snow sculpting, ice sculpting, ice skating, ice fishing, deer hunting and eating snow. In fact, the whole state shuts down during "Deer Season," a state holiday which lasts all fall, and continues to be shut down all winter due to a phenomenon known as "Snow Days."
Vast swaths of Michigan are ruled by Republicans. Democrats, however, live in Detroit and receive welfare. Due to the rampant unprotected sex and the plentiful supplies of drugs and alcohol, the Democrats are able to breed an overwhelming number of "Welfare Rats" that guarantee them of winning every so-called "Election" thus keeping the Democrats in power. Coincidently, they have been able to muscle through legislation that actually pays them more money the more they breed. This has led to generations of Welfare Rats with absolutely no concept of actually working for a living. Tragedy struck Detroit in the 1980's when murderous pranksters hid all of the welfare checks under work boots and thousands of families starved or were frozen to death because these boots were never used or moved, since then Detroit banned all items connected with working such as boots, gloves, or instruments of toil, which helped the city achieve it's world famous "Jungle of North America" moniker due to the never mowed lawns running wild and overtaking all forms of highly evolved society such as paved roads and places of manufacturing. The only thing Detroit has manufactured in years is excuses and methamphetamine.
[edit] Going to Michigan
best state in the usa
--- Moron on Michigan
As in China, you may want to avoid driving a Japanese vehicle. That is, unless you want it to get vandalised.
[edit] Geography
Michigan can be split into 5 sections: Detroit/Wayne County, Lansing, Dutch West Michigan, The North Where We Go On Vacation (also known as Yooperland), and The Thumb.
The borders of Michigan create the shape of a mitten; this allows its inhabitants to show where they live by holding up their right hand and pointing to various parts of it. The Yoopers cannot do this because their kingdom is shaped like a deformed rabbit, and have vowed to join Canada. Unfortunately this causes people to believe Michigan is a state when it in fact it's just a mitten-shaped part of Canada.
Michigan also borders Illinois and Minnesota but by crossing the water boundary.
The Upper Peninsula of Michigan (U. P.) and the Lower Peninsula of Michigan (The Mitten) is like America's North Korea and South Korea; By only crossing the Mackinac Bridge and paying a toll in the toll booth, you don't need a passport to get to the U. P.. You go deer hunting in the U. P., you work in the Mitten. Somewhere in Michigan, terror fanatics wanted to take the bridge down. Yoopers are very uneducated people who are usually found in the woods.
[edit] Claims on the U.P.
When the federal union of Michigan was formed there were many disputes over who really owns the U.P.. Several states claimed that they held sole ownership of the land. Canada as well had delegates to claim ownership. Several states sent in their armies to take the land, but the place fully known as the U.P. was declared to be that of Michigan's land and peace ensued.
Many moons later Wisconsin held an uprising, under General Brett Favre. They marched to Detriot saying that the U.P. belonged to Wisconsin. A battle occurred in which several Packers and many Lions perished. Canada also sent troops in to fight. They would say later that both Wisconsin and the U.P. officially belonged to Canada. Just when General Favre seemed victorious, the powerful Dubya came in with an army of Texas Rangers and stopped the fighting. The U.P. has remained part of Michigan, although some Wisconsinites and Uppers still fly a Canadian flag over their homes, schools, and communities.
[edit] General Info (should be a box)
- The only state where it can go from 70 to snowing in a few hours.
- State income: 7, maybe 8 Beaver Pelts. (And falling)
- State Motto: "Road Construction Ahead"
- State Flag: Orange and red in color, reads "Stop" on one side and "Slow" on the other
- State Animal: Saw Horse
- State Mineral: Salt
- State Tree: Orange barrel
- State Pastime: Geek hunting
- State Food: Buckeyes
- State Anime: Tenchi Muyo!
- State Religion: Pastafarian, Islam
- State Language: English, Arabic
- State Song: Orange Barrels by Heywood Banks
- State Band: Genesis
It is well-known that The Mitten is the most anti-Canadian place on Earth. Those who disagree hate freedom.
Interstate 69 is the most travaled interstate highway in Michigan. The I-69 highway signs are stolen daily. And no, I-69 does not intersect Big Beaver Road, although that road is exit 69 off I-75 (and to make it even more risqué, Big Beaver Road does intersect Mound Road).
[edit] Political parties of Michigan
In order of Popularity:
- Communist party of Michigan
- Libertarian Party of Michigan
- Green party of Michigan
- Michigan Democratic Party
- The Radical Conformist Party
- The Lake Worshipers Party
- Discordian party of Michigan
- The Unruly Frat Boys Party
[edit] Animals of Michigan
The most common animal in Michigan is the mosquito, followed by black flies, whitetail deer, trout, Humans, and bears. Jackalopes are almost never seen in the wild; instead they are almost exclusively found in bars in da Yupe, and redneck dens. Thus they may be extinct. Wolverines have abandoned Michigan to live in Canada and Wisconsin, they are dead to us.
Common roadkill include the occasional Eskimo, possums, opossums, Raccoons, DNR Officers, Whitetail Deer, Trout, and Bears. Rumors have it that in some parts of the Pinky (in The North Where We Go On Vacation), roadkill includes Cougars. The DNR vehemently denies this, which means they're lying, and would like you to build your million-dollar vacation home on the cougar's house. Humans are the most common type of food eaten by Humans.
[edit] Michigan Civil War
Michigan is currently fighting a separatist faction which has taken Mackinac Island, Bois Blanc Island and parts of Cheboygan, and is attempting to form an independent nation.
The Democratic Republic of Mackinac Island (motto: “We have all the fudge you can pack”) receives support from a wealthy and elitist collective known publicly as “assholes from Bay Harbour who think their shit doesn't stink in their 6 million dollar boats” (or, A.B.H.W.T.S.D.S.6.M.D.B.). Both of these groups have come under censure from human rights organizations such as Amnesty International for using Geneva-banned weapons such as tourist traps, and the questionable military tactic of using astronomical price-gouging for cheap, crappy and useless knick-knacks as a part of their campaign for liberation.
The primary opposition to the D.R.M.I are the clannish tribes of inbred redneck trolls which inhabit much of The North Where We Go On Vacation part of Michigan, as well as the entire kingdom of da "Yoo-Pee". Early clashes have shown a clear advantage in the rednecks' use of mechanized 4-wheelers and snowmobiles over the antiquidated 5th Horse and Bicycle Calvary of the DRMI. The source of the current conflict stems from the DRMI and ABH’s inability to Wait In Lines and their pure naked greed in conflict with the rednecks' rich cultural heritage of huntin', fishin', Negro-hatin', and sodomizing squirrels.
This is not related to the Michigan Colbert War, which involved half a thousand unemployed, torch-wielding autoworkers from Saginaw who attempted to burn the city of Sault Sainte Marie to the ground after the Saginaw Spirit's playoff loss in late March 2007. The attack was averted when the autoworkers got to the Mackinac Bridge and realized they couldn't afford the $2.50 bridge fare.
[edit] Michigan History
Originally (500 to 370 million years ago), Michigan was called United Gastropod-Liberian Yooperia, or the UGLY, at least before those pesky trilobites left. The Michigan Sculpture was founded by Detective Mish Higgins in 1932. Michigan was carved by sculptor Alexander Calder (see Grand Rapids) during the Ice Age, and later divided into two halves: da Yupe, ruled by Yoopers, and "Michigan," which lies below the Mackinac Bridge, ruled by trolls. Shortly thereafter, Yoopers invented the pasty.
As the glaciers receded, Michigan became populated by a variety of black flies and wolverines, which mostly survived by eating men alive and licking the salt beneath Michigan's sandy soil.
Around 8004,B.C, an advanced and glorious civilization inhabited Michigan, however almost nothing is known of it as a very short Nuclear war with Atlantis in 8001,B.C, completely destroyed it (and we all know what happened to Atlantis).
In 1622, Michigan was invaded by the French, who turned all the scrap metal in the land into Cadillacs, Pontiacs, Buicks, Peugots and Renaults. Be warned all these cars have French names and should be avoided. They also misspelled Mackinac, causing people to pronounce it "Mackinack" instead of "Mackinaw." See more at Shicago.
In 1623, the lumber barons of Michigan (the Blodgets and the Butterworths, a.k.a "BlodButts") revolted against the occupying French forces, and turned the French cars into "General Motors" (except for Peugot and Renault, which thankfully the French took back with them).
In 1689, the above-ground section of the city of Detroit was founded by the eccentric inventor Sanford Ovshinsky. It was originally constructed entirely of abandoned houses and casinos, and promptly set on fire.
In 1760, the 31st French Mime Infantry officially surrendered to the British after an epic battle lasting almost 22 minutes, during which time the mimes slowly pretended to die or caught in existential boxes. In revenge, Chief Pontiac of the Anishinaabe tribe opened a casino, arbritarily named "The Great Wolf Lodge Victory over Soaring Eagles' Gun Lake Tribe of Potawatomi Indians," and a truck dealership.
In 1783 the Dutch invaded West Michigan from Freeze-land, filling it with Meijers and cable TV superior to that of the Canadians'.
In 1835 the 31st French Mime Infantry (now called the 31st Michigander Redneck Infantry) detonated a thermonuclear bomb over the disputed city of Toledo, awakening the man known as William Howard Taft from his billion-year sleep beneath Lake Eerie. Michigan also became a state of Canada, and later was happy that it didn't keep Toledo. All this was fortold by the prophet Ernest Hemingway. After his prophesies were fulfilled, he was forced to flee to Idaho.
In 1837 the first Governor of Michigan, Paul Bunyan, took office as a Libertarian.
1838: Paul Bunyan and Taft ingage in a dogfight over Detroit. Taft entered a rather vicious poodle into the competition against Bunyan's large blue Texan Retriever named "Babe."
In 1880, Detroit Edison invented the electric meter. The next year, it invented the light bulb.
In 1893, Michigan declared war on Wisconsin, because the Governor was pissed and needed someone to declare war on.
In 1925 Henry Ford got to third base with Adolf Hitler, relishing the puny German's squeals of misery and angst.
In 1932, the finest learning institution in the known galaxy was founded. This was then bulldozed to make room for Gogebic Community College.
In 1937 the Troll Rebellion of Midland, Michigan was started, resulting in over 30,000 humans and billy goats being drowned under bridges before the rebel force was turned into pleasant Socialists through a treaty with Canada.
In 1949, the "People of freedom and light" declared war on Michigan, but were wiped out by Ohio on their way there.
In 1959, two Dutch Michiganians started Amway, a company that specialized in making Dutch people rich. After numerous scandals and decades of screwing people over, it changed its name to "Alticor." No one was fooled.
The Summer of Love in 1967 marked the beginning of peace and harmony between all races in the Socialist Republic of Michigan.
In 1974 American President Gerald Ford, founder of Ford Motor Company, infuriated Michiganders by inventing a method of crossing rivers without using bridges. Michigan's economy was devastated by this blow (it has yet to recover).
In 1984, all the Jews were removed from the entire state, and moved to Canada.
In 1986, the United Auto Workers of Michigan declare war on Argentina for assassinating General Motors, their top-ranking military figure.
In 1987, Argentina surrenders and is made a part of Michigan. Renamed South Detroit.
In 1995, Ted Nugent killed all the animals. In 1999, he officially declared war on Canada.
Yesterday, Michigan's black fly population reached critical mass, and it was declared uninhabitable by the Board of Health. Black flies do not count as animals.
Today, the black fly epidemic was expunged by several nuclear bombs being detonated in the upper atmosphear. The Board of Health is testing radiation levels for safty, and will announce soon if the land is habitable.
In 2003, Michigan fell under Communist rule after a military coup lead by Sith Lord Jennifer Granholm.
Also in 2003, the Michigan Ministry of Truth (MMoT) was founded. However, the MMoT, after "searching" Michigan records, found that it was, in fact, founded in 1837.
In 2008, the once thought to be extinct Gun Lake Tribe of Potawatomi Indians came up from their underground fortress in Mount Pleasant known as Soaring Eagle and moved north into an essentially black fly dominated town called Standish and began construction on their new casino called Eagles Landing. However, no one really cared due to a massive outbreak of apathy in the town.
In 2011, the citizens of Detroit city had invaded the Upper Penninsula, in attempt to control the bunny-shaped land. Evidence of the leader of this movement are still unknown.
In 2078, Michigan went to war with the people of earth, but after just one day stopped, saying "it wasn't fun anymore."
In 2113, Michigan succeeds from the Union, and establishes the Sovereign Republic of Michigan.
In 2115, the Sovereign Republic of Michigan builds mighty dragon-ships and sails them out through four of the Still Pretty Good Lakes (Huron, Michigan, Superior, and Erie) to achieve its Manifest Destiny of conquering all land adjacent to the Still Pretty Good Lakes. They have to walk through Canada to get to Lake Ontario, the only Still Pretty Good Lake not in Michigan.
[edit] Demographics
Michigan is nearly 100% 0% black fly today, but in the 2000 Census things were a little more complex.
- 101% Survivalist
- 99% Militia
- 50% Monkeys
- 22% Communists
- 18% White Rapper
- 1% Wankstas (was closer to 76%, until the Rabid Baptists got hold of them)
- 5% Yoopers
- 20% Thugs
- 5% Criminals
- 5% Rednecks
- 64% Wankers
- 96% Unemployed Drug Dealers
- 4% Rabid Baptists (mostly centering on Gaylord and are attempting to infect as much of Michigan as possible)
- 2% Inbreds
- 10% ######## with 6 million dollar boats (see Michigan Civil war above)
- 8% Idiots
- 5% Drug addicts
- 7000% Gangstas
- 227% Obese fatties
- 62% Laid off workers (and rising)
[edit] Major Michigan Cities
- Ann Arbor: One of the most liberal places on earth, White dreadlock capital of the Midwest. Known best for its hippies and public radio.
- Battle Creek: Named for the constant fighting between the various Breakfast cereal warlord mascots who rule this city, Battle Creek's primary military base has recently been destroyed by Tony the Tiger.
- Benton Harbor:
- Bay City: Widely acknowledged to be the capital of the Thumb. Known for its large population of rednecks, ever-present sugar beet reek, and the prostitute on Trumbull street.
- Birch Run: Formerly Known as Deer Lick. Known to locals as Dirt Run, since the school busses are always dirty. High School is full of mercury, and the Mall is Boring.
- Brighton Was once a Utopian paradise with 100% Caucasian population, However, the dangerous invasion of about 3 pieces of poor to average quality art and appx. 27 African Americans (According to the 2000 census) have turned the great city to nearly a Dystopia. If African American populations rise above half a percent, or even the unthinkable 1%, Brighton worries Kwame Kilpatrick will become its mayor and all the residents will be shot upon leaving their houses.
- Carleton: The largest landfill in Michigan where they dump the rubbish from Detroit and Canada until it is full and turns it into a beautiful subdivision.
- Clinton: Awesomest place in Michigan, entirely populated by preps and emos.
- Dearborn: Al-Qaeda's North American capital city, also affectionately known as Boaterville. A day in Dearborn begins with heartfelt prayers to Allah, as well as to Osama bin Laden, who is revered by residents as their unquestioned leader. After prayers, it's on to IED bomb making at home with the kids. The rest of the day is usually filled with mass demonstrations against democracy. Nighttime finds families sitting around the TV together, watching that evening's beheadings of infidels. Dearborn holds the distinction of being the only place in the country where Detroiters are afraid to be. As everyone knows, even blacks with guns are no match for Arabs with bombs. Anyone happening to find themselves in Dearborn is recommended to use extreme caution and seek the help of your nearest FBI or Homeland Security agent, of whom there are always a steady stream.
- Detroit: Pronounced DEE-troit, you will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. It was originally a complex system of tunnels carved into the salt by subterranean mole people. Later it expanded on to the surface as well, Pretty much filled with black people that love stealing stuff from the white suburbs, personally it needs to be nuked.... Considered to be the Car capital of Earth. Its current chief products are burn out houses and corrupt mayors.
- East Lansing: this is where the shit happens.
- Frankenmuth: Frankemuth Michigan is Michigan's "little bavaria". The city is inhabited by hordes of elderly Nazis and Lions Club members. This has sparked confusion because nobody can tell them apart. The city itself is economically important, being the #1 tourist attraction in the state (eat it Mackinaw!), as well as the only city in Michigan to have citizens with jobs. It is also known as the "Sponge of michigan" because it literarily soaks up the last remaining pennies from the surrounding towns. The city also celebrated a new record diversity when its white population dropped to an all time low of 100%.
- Flint: The famous Flint River is made entirely of stone. It is a den of unparalleled iniquity, and a great place to get shot. Can be considered a mini-version of Detroit. Michael Moore and Bob Eubanks are from around here. Also home of
forced laborKettering University (formerly GMI). - Grand Rapids: The "furniture city," Grand Rapids is populated by a civilization of sentient sofas, love chairs, futons, and armoires. A large weatherball blinks brown to let residents know when the sewage is flowing down. Grand Rapids' population is mostly Dutch, as every other person has Van "something" for a last name.
- Hell: One of the most toured cities in Michigan, despite its size of less than 1,000 people. Its mayor is Satan's brother, Dick De Vos. If you're going through this town, keep on going -- you might get out before the Devil even knows you're there.
- Kalamazoo: "This town is a wind instrument", said the Bureau of Kitsch in 1994. "Fine. If you want to make it into a real sentence, go right ahead"; yet another Michigan "city" populated with white trash, racist hicks! Supposedly has something to do with Della and the Dealer and a dog named Jake.
- Livonia: The whitest city in North America. Best known for its title as the city with the highest percentage of "legally insane" citizens (also referred to as System of a Down fans) in Michigan. Full of Rednecks, Scotsmen, and hybrids of the two.
- Ludington:
- Mackinac Island: This is Michigan's Alcatraz. No cars are allowed there, no fast-food restaurants there -- except Starbucks! Damn, they're everywhere nowadays! Behind the antique shops, churches, fudge shops, hotels, a future federal prison will be in the middle of the island.
- Mackinaw City: The liberalized version of Mackinac Island. Settlers who never wanted to follow the amish way of living in the island, hundreds are shunned and exiled to Mackinaw City and live their own lives and enjoy the 20th century lifestyle.
- Marquette: Pronounced "mar-KWET-tee". The largest city in the Yooper kingdom, Marquette was crushed by President William Howard Taft in 1911. The President was later brought down by a swarm of black flies and was last seen sinking in Lake Superior, there to remain until reawakened by some future atomic blast.
- Midland: Capital of giant plastic novelty trolls and, of course, dioxin and other cancer-causing chemicals.
- Muskegon: Translated from the Native American language, Muskegon either means "Beer Tent Capital" or "Shit-load of Mosquitos". The city was founded in the mid-to-late 1800s by the great Charles Darwin impersonator and philantropist, Charles Darwin Hackley. With unpopular public beaches, an abundance of churches, and unemployment, Muskegon is home to a lot of unmet potential. On the bright side, the league champion Muskegon Fury do give citizens a reason to drink beer and waste away with a smile on their face. As a word to the wise, don't drive through Muskegon Heights after 10 pm unless you are looking to score some drugs.
- Novi: Named after No.VI (the 6th stop) on the mail route way back when and is now home of too much shopping and rich bitches. It is also known as Hovi.
- Okemos: Not really a city. just a mall and some sprawl surrounded by a few neighborhoods and a small crossroads with about six left-over 1950s era commercial buildings. The sort of place where people with slightly bigger ugly McMansions get to look down on the nearby people with slightly smaller McMansions in neighboring Haslett. Privileged kids in super nice schools that almost win state championships played against underprivileged kids from other places. Also the setting for the hit Sega Genesis game and TV series, Okémon.
- Pontiac: Known for recently passing a proposal which fully renews all funds towards teaching dem kids how to be a gangsta, yo!
- Port Huron: Pronounced "Porch Urine", because the locals get pissed off when people don't say it right. Tommy Edison grew up here, most stuff is named for him or "Blue Water something-or-other." A suburb of larger, richer, Sarnia, Ontario; you'll see more Ontario licence plates in PoHo than Michigander ones, especially with the high Canadian Loonie. Almost impossible to tell Canadians from Americans here since they have the same accent. Blue Water Bridge connects PoHo with its mother city of Sarnia, but very hard to get back across due to too many trucks and not enough Customs officials. Smell from trucks backed up on the Bridge provides PoHo with a unique flavour (spelling borrowed from Mother Sarnia).
- Romulus:
- Potterville: Main street consists of exactly 6 places of business, 4.5 of which are boarded up. The address to our school is 420 High street (NO JOKE!!)
- Saginaw: The rival cities of West and East Saginaw merged into a murky swamp. The city remains such to this day. Known for the Fort Saginaw Mall, a shopping center which was built by the Vikings in the 1500s and has been abandoned ever since.
- St. Clair: Home of the Saints with no real mascot. It is not unheard of to see a tractor or lawn mower being ridden to the Voyager on a Friday night. St. Clairians have been known to kill when asked by metro Detroiters if they are from St. Clair Shores.
- St. Ignace:
- St. Joseph:
- Saugatuck: A lovely resort city situated by the Lake. Their chief products are kitschy art (usually overpriced oil paintings of lighthouses that no one has actually ever purchased), carmel corn, billion dollar yachts that rich Chicagoans sail, and homosexuals who usually have to go to nearby Douglas to reside in.
- Sault Sainte Marie: Michigan's oldest city, founded by the French just to cheat Canadians out of their money and piss off Stephen Colbert with its unpronounceable name.
- Sterling Heights: The Sterling Heights Institute of Technology is opening in this town!
- Southfield: The city with a large amount of buildings that is basically a smaller, nicer version of Flint. Lawrence Technolgogical University is located here.
- South Lyon between Ann Arbor and Novi know for high school foot ball and drugs up the ass and but the good thing about south lyon that there is only one or two nigger familys and going smaller.
- Traverse City: Largest City in The North Where We Go on Vacation. Retail companies often open chain stores here despite the population of 2 during the winter.
- Troy: aka. The Most Boring Place on Earth. 'nuff said. Yup, this is where Big Beaver Road is at.
- Warren: Also known as "Fortress Warren" due to the heavily armed population of Polaks, Dagos and Ukies. The city is known primarily as a town where working class kids grow up, and get into arguments with their Polak, Dago or Ukie parents. Also home of
brain zapping technologyMacomb Mathematics Science Technology Center.
- Ypsilanti: Yet another city that no one knows how to pronounce. Ypsilanti is where rich white kids from Ann Arbor go to die when mommy and daddy cut them off. It is famous for having a water tower that was shaped after the penis of the first president of the USA, George Washington Carver.
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