Mick Foley
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Mick Foley (aka Mrs Foleys ugly baby) is the lovechild of Michael Jackson and Mark Foley. Mick Foley was an acclaimed American pornographer, rapper, professional wrestler and politician. He was born in Truth or Consequences, New Mexico after winning a grueling 15 hour "first blood" hardcore match with his mother's womb. At the age of five hours old he claimed the Neo-Natal Ward Championship Title and held it until the following Monday.
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[edit] Hardcore Pornography
Hardcore pornography was developed due to the limited natural and commercial resources available in New Mexico. Before pornography the state's only exports were second hand flying saucer parts and the spice, both of which had been monopolized by the imperial houses.
Mick Foley quickly rose through New Mexico's independent film circuit, Breifly gaining the Championship belt in 1978. He then got into the porno industry. Due to a scarcity of large dildo's in the New Mexico area actresses working with Foley had to use makeshift items for masturbatory purposes. Gila monsters, cacti and barb wire bats, three items common to the New Mexican landscape were often featured in the hoo-hahs of Foley's signature style porno films.
Foley's "Cactus Jack" and "Cactus Jack 2: Jack in Back" won Dirty Old Man Magazine's "Golden Raincoat" award for best solo scene in concsecutive years.
[edit] Hardcore Wrestling
After attending the 14th Annual Conference for Shit That's Hardcore Foley decided to become a wrestler.
After signing with the WWCEWEF in 1983 Foley gained national fame as the world's most hardcore wrestler for his exciting promo style, absolutely retarded disregard for his own safety and original gimmick: not only was he willing to sustain injury, he would actually be killed during each and every match.
Being declared clinically dead by the end (or even the middle) of every match he wrestled in cemented Foley's position as the king of hardcore wrestling. The unfortunate side effect of this wildly popular gig was that Foley was unable to ever win a championship match, or any match of any sort.
Foley has been inducted in to the Hall of Fame on 6 different occasions because of this. He was first inducted as Mankind on January 24th 1904, Cactus Jack on March 13th 1904 & 3/4, Dude Love and Mick Foley on June 2nd 1904.5, as Referee Mick Foley on July 30th 1905 and finally Commissioner Mick Foley on December 25th 1978. Mick was angry as to why his commissioner "gimmick" wasn't inducted along with his other "gimmicks" much sooner, stating: "...yeah...i'm pretty pissed at that..." The Hall replied with: "so? you're a retard, with retard features" Mick replies with "...fair enough"
Citing "artistic differences" and "that time he swallowed 448 thumbtacks" Mick Foley tearfully resigned from pro wrestling in 1984.
[edit] Hardcore Politics And Hardcore Rap Carreer
Mick Foley was a strong contender for the American Presidential Title Championship Belt in 1996 and is considered to have mounted the most successful wrestler-presidential campaign in history, gaining even more popular support than André Roussimoff's "Obey Giant" campaign in 1984.
Foley began the campign trail in California, garnering the pothead vote as Dude Love, a chubby yet amicable hippy. While his obnoxious rainbow colored clothing, awkward use of 60's slang and excessive general hippy-dippyness turned off moderate liberals it established him as a pop-retro-kitsch icon winning him a majority of the Gen-X and gay votes.
In a maneuver predating George W. Bush's adoption of a tough, middle class westerner gimmick Mick Foley adopted the persona of "Cactus" Jack Manson. The red states, desperate to affirm their masculinity embraced (but not in a gay way) this rugged character. His signature "Bang! Bang!" catchphrase, where he would actually shoot two random crowdmembers in the chest, gained him enormous support from the NRA.
The only stumbling block to the Foley presidency was his beltway outsider status. Contributing neither favors nor graft to either of the major political parties would prevent him from appearing on the primary ticket so Foley became desperate.
He ran under the Reform Party. On the night he was to announce his candidacy Mick Foley was caught completely unaware by the dangerously insane character of the average Reform voter. Only minutes before he was set to make his speech he wrapped his belt around his face, put his sock on his hand and created a third political persona: the psychopathic Mankind!
Reform party voters were elated to finally see a candidate they could identify with, and Foley's stunning debate victory over his improvised sock puppet displayed the political savvy and leadership that the Reform Party had been waiting for. Unfortunately, his fear of feathers was his Archiles heel when he attempted Chicken huffing and he nearly became the huffee in the 1998 Atlanta primaries. After that, he started a brief hardcore rap career as Cactus Jack. It had moderate success, and also led to some memorable rap battles at Wrestlemania.
[edit] Hardcore Death
After denying that his hair was Ginger and claiming it was Auben, he was executed by the RSGHA (Royal Society of the Ginger Hair Assosiation). His funeral was was a joyous accasion for millions as the tyrant passed on into the unknown. But like Jesus, he resurrected from the dead and on the third day of someday he rose again.
[edit] The Mishappenings of Mick
Over his years competeing in Wrestling .. hell, even living .. Mick Foley has done an incredible amount of stunts. These include the following:
- Jumped off the 50,000 foot high Hell ontop of a Cell when he was "pushed" by The Underpants. You can clearly see him jump, do a triple pike backflip and go WEEEEEEEE!
- Jumped off the railings at a WWE event, to land spectacularly into some cardboard which set off fireworks
- Fell THROUGH the Hell Onto Of A Cell, which actually wasn't planned, so Jerry Lawler in a fit of hopelessness announced his early retirement by simply sighing and saying "Thats it...hes dead!"
- Ate half his own ear
- Jumped in a sandpit full of thumbtacs
- Ate his own face
- Had Chuck Norris roundhouse kick him with barbed wire on his foot that was set on fire wrapped in Mr. Socko
- Had Edge run into him through a flaming table
- Ate Terry Funk, who beat up his insides with a chair
- Took god knows how many shots to the head with chairs yet hasn't murdered his own family unlike some other wrestler the wwe pretends never existed.
- Went crazy after his daughter broke the dolls he bought her, so he attacked her with a 2x4 covered in barbed wire and proceeded to shout "DO YOU WANT TO PLAY WITH BARBIE NOW?!" He then did the same thing to Triple H, who DID just want to play with Barbie
- Jacked off a cactus
- Gave a dude love
- Thought that Mankind symbolised a skitzophrenic hunchback who ripped out his own hair and wore a mask
- Jumped off the empire state building onto a mattress
- Married his Sock
“HEEEEEEEY FOLEEEEEEEY”
~ Terry "old man" Funk on Mick Foley.
