Mickey Mousers Football Franchise Ltd.
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“The Liverpool Reds have always been my favorite soccer squadron. I'm delighted to have purchased the franchise, even though Weetabix were my first pick”
~ New owner George Gillett on his recent purchase
The Mickey Mousers Football Franchise Ltd. (founded 2007, formerly Liverpool FC, also known as Steven Gerrard FC, , Benitez's Back Entry Diddlers and ) is a joint Yank-Dago-Scouse enterprise and one of the best, but not the best professional soccer franchises in the World (notice truth is supposed to be typed here). They are based in Liverpool, England, but in the last 30 years have made their mark across Europe. As such, they have outlets in Brussels, Athens, Rome and Turin.
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[edit] History
According to legend the club was founded by working-class, salt-of-the-earth Scousers (and devoted football fans), and its fans have always been fiercely proud of its history and tradition. It was solemnly declared that this club would not go the way of Chel$ki Abramograd F.C. or the Manchester Red Sox. They insisted they were a "different sort of club" and would not sell their history or prostitute themselves to foreign capital in order to progress. Mr. Potato Head accepted the position of manager and continued where other previous liverpool managers left off. It's about tradition and upholding these values " is what Mr. Potato Head was quoted as saying when asked why liverpool weren't reaching their potential again in the league.
Thus, when the time came for the owners to sell up, they selected two men who would protect Liverpool's great tradition (and provide lots of cash), Americans George N. Gillett Jr. II ( aka Woody ) and Tom 'Chuck' Hicks ( aka Buzz lightyear ) stepped in. Previous owner Dick Parry insisted that the duo were "as Scouse as a car with no wheels". Gillett / Woody himself assured fans that "the Liverpool Reds have always been my favourite soccer squadron. I'm delighted to have purchased the franchise, even though Weetabix were my first pick." However many suspect their purchase of liverpool as a slight on their previous co-star in revenge for outing Woody and Buzz's secret beastiality fetish and thus ruining the Toy Story franchise for good..
Their home ground is currently located in Anfield Road, but their spiritual home will always be Surrey, where most of their loyal fans are from. (Apologies- the comment about the fans seems to have been confused with Manchester United.) Liverpewl FC is one of the most talked about clubs in the world, cursed by Mancs (Manchester United Supporters) due to their scouser's obsession with the red devils. The stadium is unique in that every food and beverage on offer contains the native Liverpool ingredient of diseased rat, and that the seats are in fact made from hubcaps which have been collected over the years by their fans. It is also recognised that Analfield holds the world record for the largest gathering of "natural comedians! in history - there is also a claim lodged for the greatest number of poets, singers, unemployed, professional hubcap thieves etc.
Liverpool are officially the greatest team ever to perform a group-strip in public. (They havent won the premiership for 16 years, (in fact they've never won the FA Premier League, ever!) but telling them this results in castration followed by a 3 hour lecture on history). The one blot on their otherwise unblemished football record is a loss in the FA Cup final to the notorious football firm Wimbledon (now renamed and relocated on the moon), which was followed by the entire Lverpool footballing world... yes you guessed it, stripping. Well the Red Half of Scouseland at least. Everyone else was rejoicing like t'was 1945 all over again. Reports of another football team in Liverpool/Merseyside are at this time sketchy. "Tranmere Rovers" is not technically a football team, but a pub on Coronation St. Liverpool had, and always will have, a divine right to win the league title every season, even if they are shit. This must not be questioned. Ever.
[edit] Fans
Getting to Anfield is not easy for the majority of Liverpool fans as most have to come from the 1980s to get there, negating the Space/Time Continuum on the way. Because of this, many of them take an obsolete piece of clothing to matches known as ‘scarves’ (stolen of course) which the insist on holding aloft at the end of every game even when they lose for some unknown reason. This is because there is no more intimidating sight in world football than 30,000 blokes with perms and tashes holding scarves above their heads. Possibly they also want to shield themselves from the plastic cups of human excrement being hurled from the upper tier.
The club anthem “You’ll Never Walk Alone” is sung at every game when Liverpool are winning and became a tradition. This emerged not, as is widely believed, because Liverpudlians Barry and the Bindippers popularised the song, but because it is advisable for opposition fans not to walk home alone after a match against Liverpool. It is rarely heard, however, when the team looks likely to lose. This is because most of the fans will have already left to catch the last train back down south or are busy getting revenge by stealing the opposition's hubcaps.
At the start of every new season, Liverpool fans (and normally the manager) will claim they will win the league this time. They flood football phone-ins convinced it is their year, vote en masse in Sky Sports and teletext polls and continue throughout the season until it is mathematically impossible for them to do so (usually around November). They then switch to saying that they’ll win it next year instead. This self-delusional process takes place to allay deep-seated fears among the support that they are no longer a big club, having not won tbe league since 1066. Instead they resort to singing songs about what their team used to win. A bit like an incontinent geriatric relative who sits in the corner and whines about how we used to beat the Huns and the Froggies on a regular basis.
Liverpool fans were recently overwhelmingly voted by UEFA as the best fans in the world. They are so good, that they don't need to buy tickets to watch cup finals. Instead, they don their genuine Reebook Classique trainers, and run as fast as they can at the gates shouting Norwegian obscenities and 'Justice for the 96'. Young Liverpool fans, are so unselfish, that they often travel to European games, handing out their own tickets to older fans who are more deserving to go the game. Bless 'em.
Liverpool fans are known for possessing several distinctive qualities: grace in victory and defeat, modesty, an unrivalled knowledge of the game and, most of all, dignity. The club oozes class from top to bottom, and it shows through in all of their actions, on and off the pitch. When things go wrong, some clubs try to pass the buck. Not Liverpool. When guilty of a misdemeanour, some clubs blame everyone but themselves. Not Liverpool. Some football fans sing about tragedies and malicious rumours. Not Liverpool. They are a credit to their city, their country, their continent, indeed their planet. Football salutes them. (It is important to adopt a sarcastic tone when reading this). It is worth noting that all liverpool players sign a legally binding contaract, written on toilet roll, that includes a clause allowing their own fans to burgal their teams players on the occasion of their home debut. All items are stolen and exchanged for food stamps ( Liverpools currency of choice )
[edit] Players
Are absolutely superb, except when faced with Harry Potter or The Beast. On these occasions, they tend to disintegrate. At least seven players[citation needed] are confirmed as being the manager's offspring.
[edit] Steven Gerrard
- Zzzztevie Gerrard MBE (AKA 'Roy of The Rovers' - Stevie Me is the only Mickey Mouser worth writing about. This is because he is the only good player they have ever had (Robbie Gluesniffer, Ian Rushtotheloo and Kenny Dangle it were thought to be good, but this was down to Scouse manipulation of the space-time continuem - they nicked the DeLorean). He scores every goal, runs around a lot, plays in every position (often several at once) and takes every penalty, corner, free-kick and throw-in (and is on the receiving end of said actions to put the ball in the net). He is also club chairman, vice-chairman, president, CEO, physio, masseur, kit-man and cleaner. His status within the city matches this, his full title being His Divine Majesty and Most Royal Highness St Stevie Gerrard MBE, King of Kings, Emperor of the Scousers, Best Player in the World, Lord of Toxteth. Without him the city of Liverpool would be nothing. He is nothing short of an omnipotent deity, complete with thousands of devoted followers ready to burn shirts for him. Steee-veee can often, like, be found riding in on a steed to save Liverpool from almost certain shitness and embarassment. This has led to a futher nickname of 'The Ant' because he has an ability to carry an entire football team on his own.
- One black moment in Mouser history threatened to change everything. Stevie decided they were not worthy of his greatness and considered joining a club who would pay him more money and still be in the title race after December. The masses were stirred. Stevie was burned in effigy. They burned his shirts. Mouser scientists produced a thesis arguing that he was not, in fact, even a scouser. The switchboards were jammed with mad scousers declaring their conversion from Stevieanity. They warned he should never come with a 100000000 mile radius of Scouseland. Someone even sent him Jimmy Starstruck's greatest hits. Then...he changed his mind. He said couldn't turn his back on his boyhood heroes or his people. He had to stay to lead the masses to the Promised Land. The new £500,000 a week contract was purely coincidental. Once again he was the Saviour of Scousekind. The shirt-burners bought new shirts, and returned to worshipping him. The incident was consigned to Room 101, never to be mentioned again, on pain of Echo and the Bunnymen being let loose on the airwaves.
[edit] The Rest
- Pepe Rainier - Best diver in the world. Even better than the portugese diver who occasionally plays football. He is able to jump towards a ball then touch the ball without receiving a penalty. Is this because the referee is an idiot or that he is just too good is unknown
- Jamie "Dignity" Cointhrower - Never stepped out of Liverpool once. Is widely seen as the scousest scouser since Yosser Hughes. Jacked a few cars in his time. Popular with the fans. Less pace than a distracted mountain goat, and less articulate. After realising he wasn't good enough to play for England, he did the honourable thing and retired, saving the manager the trouble of not picking him.
- Big Sami Hoopia, Wants to be a striker, and sometimes uses Rainier's goal for practice.
- Stevie Finished, Has not player for the Mickey Mousers since he was implemented in an IRA plan to Kidnap Home Secretary Jackie Smith who they assumed was the one who kept burgling their houses.
- Momo "No more" Sissoko - blind as batshit after Pako Ayesteran cut his rright eye ball out to make Ghoulash. Didn't take up the sport of football until 2010, which explains alot.
- Crabby "mind your legs" Alonso - Spanish hatchet man with a grudge against knees. Pupil of Didi Hamman and in turn taught Michael Essien everything he knows. This, coupled with his unique ability to get away with it, makes him a formidible opponent. Anichebe and Obi Wan Kenobi won't be praying for some time.
- Speedy González - Lots of pace. And, er, that's it.
- Ronnie Flower - Fat, overrated, homophobic, coke-snorting waster and slum landlord. The locals call him God.
- Fandango Tossehs Joined Liverpool for 2000 pounds of Spanish gold and Senorita Benitez's hand in marriage. Noted for being the Mousers' 178th "final piece in the jigsaw", the fabled chosen one with the hopeless task of restoring the glory days (cf. Nigel "my name's not Brian for fuck's sake" Clough, Dribble Sissy, Stan Gollygosh and Harry "Leeds reject" Kewl). According to official Liverpool FC records he scored 2831 goals in 30 games in his debut season. Those who doubt the accuracy has their cars jacked and get locked in a room for 5 secondss with Mrtn Skrtl. Thats all the time he needs.
- Alvaro Arblow-job Can play every position on the pitch, (un)known for his ability to be forgettable, rumoured to work for the CIA.
- Jersey Doo-doo-dick Another hapless foreign goalie who fucked off to Spain because he was bored.
- Jerry Mashya anus. Owned by the Argentinian mafia. Ask about his contract and you'll be sleeping with Diego Maradona before the day is out.
- Jermaine "I Smashed Cashley's Car" Pennant. Holder of a club record 27 ASBOs, currently tagged and out on bail.
- Craig "yes it would seem like a good idea to hit my team 'mate'on the head with a fucking golf club" Bellamy (ie THE NUTTER WITH THE PUTTER). A loutish, gobby and obnoxious waste of oxygen from the land of sheep, leeks and rugger, he found his spiritual home later in West Ham, where he was seen as an upstanding professional.
- Peter Crotch- 27ft striker, believed to be the bastard offspring of the Jolly Green Giant and an orphaned giraffe (both deny this). Particularly adept at basketball and dancing. Less adept at heading, tackling, trapping, scoring, passing and dribbling. Made his name playing Lurch in the Addams Family.
- Dick, Fly a Kuyt commonly known as Dick Cunt, formally known as Sloth, and starred in the documentary the Goonies. Looks like Ian Dowie's retarded son.
- Flabio Aurelio. A porky, balding latino who isn't very good. Another of Rafa's long lost love childs? The test results are still being processed....
- Harry "Leeds Reject" Kewl - injured currently, injured previously, injured subsequently. Rumoured to be a footballer. Eye-witnesses beg to differ. When he does play, the club is offing "I've seen Harry Kewell Play" badges, so far, none have been sold as Kewell is still injured.
- Daniel Dagger Related to Agger the terrible, an old viking soldier who raped and attacked young children. He also played for Millwall but was sold for being too soft. Has never done cocaine.
- Ryan Bubble Plays at 'un-used substitute' position to great effect. Cost $47million from PSV Ajaxnoord. Bought after impressing in 30-second cameo for Holland reserves three years ago.
[edit] Past players
- Diving Keegan
- Moaning Dog-Leash
- Phil 'back pass' Neal
- Bruce Grubbyliar
- Emlyn 'Helium' Hughes
- Jason Racketeer
- Calamity James
- Mark 'porn star tash' Lawrenson
- Steve 'I'm moving to a bigger club' McManamanamanaman
- Na na na na na na Spackman!
- Ian Thrush
- John Couldnthitabarnesdoor
- Robbie 'drug addict' Fowler
- Emile 'he's fallen over again' Heskey
- Igor Biscuitman
- Dribble, Sissy!
- Jimmy 'hog farmer' Traore
- Floren the cinema-going pongy goalie
- Fernando 'did well in Spain' Morientes
- Pinocchio Thompson
- John 'penalty king' Aldridge
- Yosser Souness
- Mark Wrong
- Phil Crabb
- Alan 'Rapist' Kennedy
- Neil Haddock
[edit] Record
5 European Cups and 39 murders
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Atom Villa | Biggleswade | Chel$ki Abramograd | East Spam Divided | Emptypig | Greys Athletic | Londrés | Long Ballton Wanderers | Luton Airport | Madchester Oasis | Manchester Red Sox Ltd. | Mickey Mousers Franchise | Neverton | North-East Black Stripes | SundIREland | Pompeii | San Antonio Spurs | Sandwell Town | Wigan Pathetic | edit |
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