Microsoft

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The snake handlers at Conservapedia have an even funnier article about Microsoft .

Micro$$$oft (formerly known as Magma, ltd and the translation from German of micro schaft, literally meaning small penis and international communist bureau of the Holy See) is the name of a now defunct software company coined by Jeff Metz and his first wife Gandalf Galactica Mary Pop. Since its incorporation it has distributed duct tape, wombats, cinnamon, toilet rolls, Donald Trump, turnips, syphilis and horn-rimmed spectacles to numerous international markets. It has also had a minor role in the computer industry. The opposite of Microsoft is working.

Two pilots are flying their helicopter along when all of a sudden a thick blanket of fog appears out of knowhere. The pilot fly's to a nearby building and holds up a sign saying 'Where are we?'. A person in a nearby window writes on a piece of paper 'in a helicopter'. The pilot is then able to find himself on the map and fly home. An amazed co-pilot asks him how he knew, to which is reply is "It had to be the microsoft building, While technically correct, the answer was a load of bullshit."

Microsoft is also the name of a photocopier company which specialises in copying everything with the name Apple on it. They shot to fame after they began patenting everything copied by them.

Contents 1 Business models 2 History 3 Nondeterministic Technology 4 Operating System Versions 5 The WORLD'S BEST graphic editing software 6 Other Ventures 6.1 Rick Astley 6.2 Movies 6.3 Giant Space Boobs 6.4 Cars 7 Myths 8 The Great War of 2012 9 Microsoft and Taxidermy 10 Working for Microsoft 11 Products 11.1 Microsoft offers a vast array of product lines, including: 11.2 Products currently in development: 12 See also

[edit] Business models

Microsoft has always been a proud guardian of Sailcat. The true founder of Microsoft... All Microsoft products come with a built-in hand greedily searching your wallet. In the mean time, Linux shipped everything without such a legal feature. That was a problem.

The lack of a price tag on the Linux side proved to be a killer to Microsoft. While both Linux and Windows were being pirated day and night, Microsoft lost several thousand dollars with each illegal download while Linux lost nothing. Such irresponsible strategy pushed Microsoft to its demise. Unlike any other potential threat, open source software is one thing Microsoft can't buy-out. Shame on you, Linux. On a completely unrelated note, pirates of Microsoft are also second-hand pirates of UNIX, due to the failed pirating of Microsoft itself.

Furthermore, it is rumored that any Microsoft copyright protection which is based on activation codes can be deactivated with a single Finnish sentence. The Fins, naturally, strongly deny this accusation, and make sure this denial is typed nice and bold with their brand new and totally free Office 2007.

[edit] History

Microsoft came about as the first ever green bin factory,this is how the fortune was made, more on this can be found here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sY8nIZIfnYI. In the legendary room 3.2567361 experiments were carried out to create a super warrior to wipe out the Polish. Bill Gates was given the contract by the government and experiments started in the summer of 1614. It took almost 400 years to perfect them and since Bill Gates made them they are still shit. He probably stole the idea from a post man, unfortunately this has never been proven so we have no one else to rant and rave about. These super warriors were never put into action and have just been dumped on the streets. This bunch are always getting drunk on street corners and beating up racist Cripples. They can be found on a street near you and are basically harmless. 'Gatesy' designed them to walk into polish houses and mumble nonsensically until the unfortunate polish guy died of old age or mild annoyance.

Bill Gates was a bored, nerdy computer rookie that creates software that crashes every 10 minutes. He decided to continue his legacy by copying Macintosh computers, giving a reason that claimed that his "mommy didn't allow him to use his own software because it was filled with shit and rotten baloney". This proved right as of today, people using Windows computers always see a dancing nerd (Gates) rubbing a piece of shit clamped baloney on his nude stomach. All of this boils down to his "perseverance, courage and sheer moral values" to go on creating Windows 95 and later nitrate film that can catch on fire if not kept in rooms as low as -20F.

Microsoft Copulations was a supercomputer manufacturer founded in Waltham, Massachusetts in 1882 by Benny Hill and Margaret Thatcher to turn Hill's doctoral work at MIT on ambiguous computing architectures into a commercial product called the Confusion Machine. The company moved in 1884 from Waltham to Kendall Square in Cambridge, Massachusetts, not far from the Krispy Kreme Doughnuts. But because of its demonic nature company was widely known even before founding and 1024 took first prize at Most true country of the world competition. Microsoft is a contraction of "Mike Rowe Software", named after the CEO who was born in 2101 and took over the old "Copulations" company at the age of one, brilliantly turning it around as an acquisitive, monopolistic money-grabbing behemoth. Microsoft is often associated with a joker named Bill Gates. This is because Gates was working in a circus in the same town where the supercomputer was released. Being a clown by nature, he thought it would be so much fun to fool people by making a parody of this supercomputer by calling it a software called The MacOs. But soon Bill realized that most intelligent consumers recognized our software only fools them, so he changed the name to Microsoft to confuse people even more. This however actually worked for him^[1].

Microsoft produced a number of Confusion Machine models: in chronological order, the CM-1, CM-2, CM-200, CM-5, and CM-5E. The Confusion Machine was programmed in a variety of specialized languages, including *Lisp and CM Lisp, derived from Common Lisp, C*, derived from C, and Fortran (using a special compiler to translate standard Fortran code to the obfuscated instruction set of the machine). The CM-1 through CM-200 were examples of SIMI architecture (Single Instruction Multiple Interpretation), while the CM-5 and CM-5E were MIMI (Multiple Instructions Multiple Interpretation).

Microsoft went through Chapter 11 bankruptcy in 2101, following the collapse of the U.S. supercomputer market. Next they went through Chapter 12 bankruptcy in 1987 and more recently they went through Chapter 12.1 bankruptcy in 2101.

It was during the Chapter 12 bankruptcy years, Microsoft delved briefly into the "Oxymoron" market, producing its well known software package, entitled "Microsoft Works."

Many of the hardware people joined Fun Microsystems and went on to design the Fun Enterprise series of "scarallel" computers. The Darwin data destruction toolkit, developed by Microsoft' Business SuperConfuser Group, was purchased by Boracle. Most of the team that built Darwin left Microsoft for Fun & Broadway soon after the company imploded in a puff of smoke.

Besides Benny Hill, other noted people who worked for or with the company included Albert Einstein, Nikola Tesla, Michael Eisner, Steve Jobs, Escape Key, and Indira Gandhi. Any Key, cousin to Escape Key, helped with some of the earlier DOS error messages. Freddy Krueger's company, Elm Street Charties, was also bought by Microsoft.

Besides Kendall Square Research, Microsoft's competitors included Japan, which made a computer similar to the CM-2, Black Sun, and Meiko, whose later offerings were similar to the CM-5.

Microsoft nearly died after being sued by BE Inc., and was turned into a small open source group. No websites used it due to it being so powerful that hackers got fried.

It has been confirmed that the XBox 360 is quite possibly the most pointless video game system ever to have existed. Though it is not a complete loss. Many have found use for it as a doorstop, or paperweight, and even occasionally a Linux machine. Obviously, they all love the BSOD, too.

In the future, Microsoft is to merge with the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation. This has been universally accepted as a bad move and they were the first against the wall when the revolution came.

[edit] Nondeterministic Technology

At the basis of all Microsoft technology, originally called NT, is the nondeterministic finite state automaton. All processes in devices that use Microsoft technology software, are guaranteed to be nondeterministic. Once the processes of a computer have been running in a nondeterministic way for a certain amount of time, like half an hour, quarter of an hour, this time period is partly randomized, a blue screen may be presented to the user as proof of the nondeterminism. Later, XP, (eXtremely Pathetic, known for being eXPensive) was introduced by the company, when all of a sudden a big piece of pnk poop fell from an airplane and landed on bill gates head, turning in bright purple.

[edit] Operating System Versions

Windows has been cremated and reincarnated many times, some of the most noted versions are as follows:

• MS-UNO - the very first OS ever created by Man, entirely written on a piece of parchment.
• MS-DOS - a failed experiment on a fucking awesomely tight GUI that suddenly became self-aware, forcing the developers to contain it behind countless Walls O' Text.
• MS-TRES - a more refined version of the contained MS-DOS GUI, catering to the people who spend entire millennia in front of a computer screen.
• MS-CUATRO - currently a development version of a virtual reality user interface, which allows the user to completely control his computer by actually jacking inside the computer.
• Windows 1.0 - Look It's All Blue!
• Windows 3.1 (demo) - Read below.
• Windows 3.1 - A major upgrade to 1.0 - adds a K°0ø¤ōôǒŏóöóŏǒôō¤ø0°L Easter egg to the "About" screen of one of the screen savers. However, 1.0 didn't have screen savers, so the fundamental design decision taken went vastly unnoticed by the end user.
• Windows 3.11 - First version to feature sleek-ass design, with big gay red close buttons, fading tool tips, menu omega-transparency and, at last but not at least, an amazing shadow under the mouse. The last is considered by many to be the most innovative GUI usability feature recently. It is also infamous for the double-encrypted code that reads "if DR-DOS in use, refuse to boot". (DR-DOS not to be confused with Dr. Dos, Bill Gates worst enemy, and founder and chairman of Digital Research, Inc.)
• Windows 3.1415926535 8979323846 2643383279 5028841971 6939937510 5820974944 5923078164 0628620899 8628034825 3421170679... - Easy as pi
• Microsoft Bob - Easier than pi
• Windows 42 - Microsoft's answer to Life, the Universe and Everything. And like the original book, it takes seven million years to perform each calculation as well.
• Windows 89 - Not to be confused with Windows 98, this was the 32 bit prototype for Windows 95. However, back in 1989 someone pointed out to Bill Gates, "But Bill - we can't release it now, as it has tons of bugs in it, and besides, it's not backward compatible with 16-bit machines." So Bill did the responsible thing: he just waited six years for 16 bit machines to become obsolete, and released it anyway. Oh yeah, and in the mean-time he solved all the bugs by putting it through extensive R&D.
• Windows 91 - The OS that runs in old Macintosh computers, popular for having the error Award, also related to Code Lyoko and Camp Lazlow.
• Windows 90210 - Didn't offer any new features apart from quite a nice wallpaper of Shannon Doherty naked. All time best selling edition.
• Windows 95 - What Do You Want To Stare At Today?
• Windows 98 Second Edition: The only virus you pay to install on your system.
• Windows NT Not Today (also called Windows: No Thanks or Neanderthal Technology, the latter one was the name that the Microsoft marketing team suggested, but it was too complex for Bill Gates to understand so it was dropped)
• Windows 2000 Based on NT-technology. Introduced working with technology-technology by Microsoft's software developers. Rumour has it, that recently the revolutionary NTT-technology has been adopted.

• Windows Cement "As hard as a rock and as dumb as a brick" Windows Cement combined microsoft's three biggest operating systems Windows CE,ME,and NT and was used to build MacOSX Windows Vista.
  

  

  Windows Cement

• Windows Cement 98 "As hard as a rock, as dumb as a brick and more pointless than ever before" Microsoft didn't quite get the shitness of Cement right, so they release Cement with 98 integrated, named Windows Cement 98.
  

  

  Windows Cement98
• Windows ME - The choice of name is a mystery, considering ME cannot possibly stand for "Complete pile of shit.". Some people have suggested it stands for "More Errors". Uncyclopedia however rejects this posibility, because there is no number larger than infinite.

Coincidentally, "ME" also stands for Myalgic Encephalomyelitis, a brain disease that causes you to be listless, lethargic, and not wanting to do anything. So obviously not related in any way to Windows.

Also, due to it tendency to crash, Windows ME often forced users to break-off in mid

• Windows Ebola - Originally planned to be a follow up to ME, but turned into a disease after crossing over from machine to flesh through the careless error of a Microsoft technician. It was classified at the highest left by the US Government as a biological weapon, and subsequently canceled.
• Windows 666 - With added evil red screens of death and destruction!
• Windows Lunix - definitely not an attempt to rip off Linux. The name does not suggest that.
• Windows XP - Look It's All Blue! Again.
• Windows XP Pro - Bill Gates was feeling lonely so he invented an operating system that automatically makes you send him nice messages from time to time (or as they are otherwise known, Error Reports).

An elderly IT tutor at College told me, it is impossible to get the BSOD on Windows XP or 2000, unless you have been looking at Porn sites. Unfortunately he did not explain how this could be possible, or more importantly, which ones.

• Windows RG - Really Good edition (or is it Really greedy?)
• Windows NW - When Windows NW was first released, "Bear" Bryant was so shocked at its lack of functionality that he promptly fell over with kidney stones.
• Windows WMD - A custom made version for an middle eastern dictator. Later when imperialists invaded his country to look for it he claimed he had lost the disc.
• Windows FU - Fuck Us edition. A lead in to the concept of turning on a computer.
• Windows 2000 Semi-professional - a newer version of Windows NW that doesn't work even faster.
• Total Fucking Asshole Server 2006 - Sometimes, you've just gotta tell 'em.
• Windows LongGone - Longhorn is Long-gone, as Bill feared people discovering that he is the devil with long horns.
• Windows Kevin Du - The latest version that only sometimes melts your computer, and gives viruses. Bill Gates- "The day these work is the day I'll stop stealing from Apple.." Melt downs occur only 4 to 5 times a minute, needless to say to Kevin Du from Southbury, CT owns all causing no computer to have any compatibility!
• Windows Vista- A version which is supposed to do tons of groovy things with graphics. Needless to say, it is totally incompatible with most on-board Graphics cards. And it most definitely is not a rip-off of Mac OS X. You're just jealous. There are many versions of Vista to cater to your particular needs. They include (but are not limited to) Vista Basic, Vista Pro, Vista for Dummies (most widely sold version), Vista Premium, Vista Pro Basic, Vista Basic Pro, Vista Ultimate Edition, Vista Ultimate Edition (Developer's Choice), 2 Vista Ultimate Edition, Vista Pro Enterprise, Vista Home Basic, Vista Home Ultimate, Vista Ultimate Home, etc. They have also decided they may be making a Vista Edition Ultimate which may include Pacman.

Official news, Windows Vista will mean Viruses Intruders Spyware Trojans Adware, referring to their new security system.

• Windows Matthew version 1 (Released 1990) Though no one knows who Matthew is...
• Windows Matthew version 2 (Released 1996)
• Windows Matthew version 3 (Released 2001)
• Windows Matthew version 3.2 (Released 2002)
• Windows Mattemo version 1 (Released 2006) Or Windows Matthew version 4, however you look at it
• Windows Mattemo version 1.5 (Released 2007)
• Windows Mattemo version 1.7 (Released 2008)
• Windows OMG - Microsoft finally does an entire re-write of their most famous programs, Minesweeper and Solitaire.

• Windows Apocalypse - At the end of the universe, Microsoft will release an operating system that has no errors. That is why many people think that the universe will never end.
• Microsoft Borg - A relatively new OS designed to collectively connect servers and computers together. Due to what were described by Microsoft executives as an "unfortunate accident," Windows Borg began assimilating its users, left and right, and giving them a collective conscious. After its failure to enslave the human race, the program and all of its collective members were launched into space, presumably in the direction of the Delta Quadrant.
• Windows Wives - released as a companion to Windows XP so the fairer side could waste their time alongside their husbands.
• Windows Word - An OS released only in certain racially segregated neighborhoods.
• Windows Word-Up - the follow-on version to Windows Word.
• Windows Pain - Yes, quite often.
• Windows SUV - Bill Gate's personal vehicle. It's rumored to weigh 118,300 pounds, goes just three miles an hour, and gobbles 18,500 gallons of gas in the process. Banned by the government's commission on global warming.

• Windows BSOL - Windows BSOL a.k.a B-solution or Windows Plan B, is final strategical version of Microsoft Windows to change the mental perception of people regarding 'Blue Screens of Deat'h. This is why it will be called Windows BSOL or Windows 'Blue Screen of Life'. Bill will announce that BSOLs are the only way you can reinstall Windows and give your computer a new life. A totally optimistic view at Windows is expected by Future Dr. Bill.
• Ubuntu- Yes Microsoft now makes penguin safe operating systems
• Windows USSR - This OS installs your computer.
• Windows 2010 - This OS installs and then immediately crashes. Pressing CTRL + ALT + DEL is rumored to "pwn" the hard drive while turning off the p.c. to reboot could have dire consequences for all the dark matter in the universe. Only three copies were ever sold. One to a man named Harry Winkler. He managed to wipe out half of Arizona after he tried to install Half-Life 2, which is why Arizona looks like shit now (more than before)
• Windows LOLZ - A laugh out loud for the whole family. Killed fourteen thousand grandmothers upon release. Currently in recall.
• Windows BGDE(The Bill Gates died Edition)This oparating system is the first (after linux)which is for free. It have as screensaver the dead bill gates
• Windows Heaven - It failed...

[edit] The WORLD'S BEST graphic editing software

The well known MS Paint has been the best editing software in the history of computer-kind. It was rated by the PCWorld Magazines and the ComputerGeek Incorporated the most useful tool for editing graphics. Throughout the history and versions of Paint (1.0, 2.0, 3.0, 4.0, 5.1) it has been a success knocking off Adobe Photoshop and CorelDraw off the market and into the stinking crappy sewage of Hong Kong, China. It is also worth buying because it doesn't cost anything and comes in a 3.5-inch Floppy Disc and in Windows. Lot of success stories have been heard from people, so-called noobs using MS Paint. Why is it such a success? Before they sell Paint out to the market Microsoft made a meeting with the "you-know-who" CEO, the project of the meeting is to decide the name for the successful graphic editing software currently called "Paint". They started off with, Color, Beautiful, Van Gogh and ended up with Alps, Photostation, ArtWorkshop and Paint. But guess what, they chose "Paint"!... Then how is it such a success? MS Paint had been used in Underground advertising, graphics in Windows Vista, 99% of the images in Google, blockbuster movies such as "The Matrix", drawing mustaches on Queen Elizabeth etc. So you are better off with Paint than any other graphic software such as the fanciness of Adobe Photoshop.

[edit] Other Ventures

Microsoft has researched other areas for development including;

• Movies
• Cars

[edit] Rick Astley

Rick AstleySUCKS. He is just a freak with cash symbols in his eye balls. Now even more so after the takeover by Amazon.com (which sucks equally, that is why I never buy from them). Look at those crap, technical-term over-kill reviews his site produces. And now he wants to do lens reviews too to kill off smaller sites like photozone.de. WTF? PHOTOZONE FOR LIFE. Dear Mr Astley, stick to your retired life and BMW and quit being money-faced and trying to kill off the small fish out there!! Kinda reminds me of Microsoft.

[edit] Movies

Concerns that beta testers had included;

• You couldn't eat popcorn, drink a coke and watch the movie at the same time.
• If the popper was popping corn, candy bars were being sold, the movie would pause.
• They told testers of a technology breakthrough - color and sound - forgetting that most other movies have had these for years.
• They said later versions of the movie would enable color blind people to watch in color, and the deaf to hear it.
• The film would break every 15 minutes and in the most important parts.
• Every new movie would require a new projector.
• The projector would claim to take 32mm in film size, but in reality it would only show 16mm magnified to make it look like 32mm.
• They claimed to have invented comedies.
• They promised an action/adventure flick starring Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sandra Bullock, but it was 3 years late and end up being a sappy love story with Jim Carey and Madonna.
• Their projectors had to have reset buttons, requiring you to start the movie over and over to have any hope of seeing the entire film.

Due to these concerns, introduction of the new product was postponed for another few years...

[edit] Giant Space Boobs

So far, Micro$oft has recruited one giant space boob, the Seductive space boob. They have planned two trips for earth so they can steal the Earth's resources while the male population (the gender with shotguns) sucks on it. Unfortunately, there were a few problems with the previous trips, and not many people are excited about the next one:

• The boob was really a counterfeit manufactured in China
• It only worked if you had a 95 inch penis
• The it often turned blue for no reason at all
• It only accepts validated suckers
• It forces everyone to use the same mouth
• Hippies protested it was manufactured using child labor
• A rebellious underground (teenagers) arose after they incinerated 6,000 hippies
• Apple made a boob that was 189.6 times better, but only accepts 10 meter dicks

Despite these problems, the fact that they had a monopoly on space boobs meant that they made over $100,000,000,000 by selling tickets to lick the space boob

[edit] Cars

Micro$oft cars seemed like a good idea, but like the movies they made, the prototypes were riddled with problems;

• Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.
• Occasionally the car would just die for no reason, and you'd have to restart it.
• You could only have one person at a time in your car, unless you bought a car '95 or a car NT, but then you'd have to buy more seats.
• You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car as they tended not to last long, going painfully slow as they got older
• Apple makes a car that's solar powered, twice as reliable, 5 times as fast, but only runs on 10% of the roads.
• The oil, alternator, gas, engine warning lights were replaced with a single "General Car Fault" warning light.
• People got excited about the "new" features the Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other brands for years.
• It would only accept Microsoft Gas (tm).
• New seats will force everyone to have the same size ass.

The Microsoft Car is due for release soon.

[edit] Myths

It is rumored that there are non-existent buildings at the Microsoft Headquarters (Building 7, to be precise). This is untrue. Building 7 was placed in a parallel universe after Bill Gates hired several Korean slave laborers to build the first Star Gate portal.

Also rumoured is that Bill Gates is also half klingon. This has yet to be confirmed, But if he isn't, he can speak a goddamn lot of it.

The biggest myth is probably that Microsoft cares about their customers and that they actually try to help them when something goes wrong with one of their products. Customers are usually directed to a site for technical support (even if your problem is that you don't have net access) www.microsoft.com/help/wearescrewingyou/haha

Oh, and there's another myth. "If I had a dollar for every time a Windows machine went BSOD...."

The truth is this: "If I had FIVE HUNDRED dollars for every time a windows machine went BSOD..."

It is said that the slogan attributed to Microsoft: Microsoft Corp., profiling users since 1975, is false because this is not the exact date Microsoft started profiling users of his products. Any user having trouble with a Microsoft product should have this in consideration before harassing Microsoft's employees. Accordingly to Microsoft's EULAs, any statement prior or subsequent to a fact prior or subsequent to an indeterminate date is legally irrelevant (except where prohibited). Who kidnapped Harry Potter?

The Myth that bill gates is a sith knight is untrue the reality of the situation is that bill gates is in fact the Emperor here is photographic proof

[edit] The Great War of 2012

As Bill Gates prepared his army of M$-Robots to invade North Korea, Apple were developing their robots, iClones, and sent them after Microsoft. All hell broke loose with BSOD's flying everywhere and roundhouse kicks in the air. Until after the 6th day of the 6 hour and the 66th minute, Jesus (King of the Grues), started Armageddon reminiscient of a Worms game. There was death all around and only 1 M$-Robot and 1 iClone survived,and they agreed on switching to Linux, and have a happy marriage.

[edit] Microsoft and Taxidermy

Bill Gates has made continuous efforts to publish a taxidermy technique for stuffing grandmothers. Big names in science like the Nature and Science magazines have rejected to take this discovery public. It is believed that nearly $1 billion of Gate's fortune comes from a very well organized organization dedicated to stuff humans.

[edit] Working for Microsoft

Getting a job at Microsoft is very hard. To start, candidates must talk with an Indian call center operator for about one hour and answer questions such as:

• How often do you not use WordPad?
• What's the number of your Windows license?
• What's your expertise using Microsoft Bob?
• Describe why Windows for Workgroups was better than OS/2

After passing though this very hard phone screen, candidates are sent to Microsoft headquarters next to the river Styx in Hell. A round of extremely hard interviews takes place there, with amazingly hard questions being asked, such as:

• What's the best feature of Visual Basic 6?
• Code a Visual Basic 6 routine to print your name on the screen forever
• Code a Visual Basic 6 routine to ask for the user name and print it on the screen prefixed by the word "Hello" and suffixed by the character "!"
• Can you use Microsoft Paint? Yes or No?
• Code a Visual Basic 6 routine to print numbers from 1 to 10 without using a loop
• Why is Windows 95 better than CP/M?
• How many billions has Bill Gates spent on charity?
• Who is Melinda Gates best friend, Bono Vox or Steve Jobs? (Microsoft Bob is a valid answer)
• Explain why you think Microsoft produces only the finest software in the world
• How do you see Google in 5 years?
• Design the 9 square feet (1 square meter) office you'll have to work on. How would it be different if you were blind? Or deaf? Or mute? What if you didn't have hands? Or feet? What about all of those things together?
• OK remember... you will have only one computer to work on for the rest of your life! Choose an OS:
• Mac OS X
• Linux
• FreeBSD
• How do you restart a Microsoft computer? (obviously the hardest of all)

After all of the written testing, you are then given a DNA test to find out whether or not you are a human. This is to keep away all apples, penguins, and mexicans from working for Microsoft (Yes those bastards are racist against penguins). The National Association for Advancement of Colored Penguins (NAACP) has considered this to be extremely racist.

After that, candidates are hired or not. If they are hired, Microsoft will provide an extensive package of perks, such as 5% discounts to buy any Microsoft products, one T-shirt and a free DVD from Disney.

[edit] Products

[edit] Microsoft offers a vast array of product lines, including:

• about:blank
• Nazisoft Vindows NZ-Final Solution Edition
• Microsoft Keyboard
• Microsoft Blue Screen Of Death 2006
• Microsoft Mouse
• Microsoft Sidewinder
• Microsoft Benedict XP
• Microsoft Smoke Signals
• Microsoft Goatse
• New Text Document.txt
• XBox (360)
• Microsoft Diner
• Microsoft Buttsecks
• MS Paint
• Microsoft Pong
• Microsoft God
• Microsoft Jesus
• Microsoft Access
• Microsoft PopeMobile
• Microsoft BillyMobile
• MicroSoft Navy(MSN)
• Notepad
• OS-Tans
• Anti-Vandel
• Blue Screens of Death for Windows
• WordPad
• The Wizard of Oz
• Microsoft Penis* (*requires an extension)
• Spell Check for Windows
• Microsoft Origami
• Microsoft Chisel Office
• MS Calculator
• Microsoft Smart Pockets
• Microsoft Publisher
• Microsoft Visual Studio
• Microsoft Paintcan
• Several games such as Farts, Spyder Soulitaire and Internet Russian Reversi
• Microsoft Doors
• Micrsoft Red Ring of Death
• Microsoft Macintosh
• Microsoft Linux
• AK47 Assault Rifle

[edit] Products currently in development:

• Windows Stained Glass Windows
• MS BananaPhone 2005
• Microsoft myPod
• Microsoft thaiPod
• Microsoft Ethnic Cleansing
• Microsoft Longtongue.
• Microsoft Jihad
• Microsoft Works (abandoned after it was found to be impossible to create such a product)
• Class-5 Hydrogen/Uranium Fission Reactor (only available in Japan and suburbs of Los Angeles)

[edit] See also

• Clan Microsoft
• CTRL-ALT-DEL
• Microsoft Conspiracies
• MicroSonyNtendo
• C Flat language
• SAP
• VMCSE
• Blue Screen of Death
• The Official Microsoft Blue Screen of Death Game — Ver3
• Evil corporations
• Active Directory, LDAP application
• Zune
• Microsoft Word Paperclip
• Sex-Box
• McZee

In Redmond, Windows uses you.

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