MS Word
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“Fragment (Consider Revising)”
~ MS Word Spell Check on this article
“Word.”
~ Gangstaz on drugs
“Words, words, words...”
~ Shakespeare on words
“It looks like you're reading. Would you like help?”
~ Clippit on MS Word
| Microsoft Office Word | |
|---|---|
 Logo of MS Office Word 2007 + Battlefield 2142 combo.  The packaging for the 2002 version of Word. | |
| Maintainer: | Microsoft |
| Stable release: | 2142, date unknown yet |
| Preview release: | January 30th, 2007 |
| Percentage Of Users: | 120% (over-used) |
| OS: | Windows platform, |
| License: | {{{license}}} |
MS Word is the premier business solution in word processing. Initially developed by Microsoft in 1987 and hailed as mediocre, Word went through a staggering evolutionary process and become a full featured but uneasy to use application suite in just two years. By 1989, MS Word was unquestionably the finest word processing application ever to be developed, a title which it still holds today. A major drawback is, though, that it does not run under the most sophisticated operating system of the new millenium, Emacs.
Another problem of the aforementioned fact is that scientists still are not done yet cataloging and discovering the multitude of possibilities that MS Word offers. According to inside sources, MS Word originally was not created for humans, but ordered and specified by a highly developed alien race living on the backside of Uranus. This explains the high number of features that MS Word had since its initial beta release. However, no human was able to use a product with that level of complexity, which accounts for the manuals some two decades later still being full of errors and user-friendliness or intuitiveness not being the strong side of MS Word. It also is the reason for the highly sophisticated user interface, which tends to paralyze new user for the first twenty three years.
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[edit] Open Formats
Since its inception, MS Word was designed to utilize open standards and file formats. By so doing, Microsoft was able to create an application easily integrated within heterogeneous computing environments, which is the main vision of that software company. The open standards set forth by Microsoft were adopted by a number of other companies leading to the development of Open Office and Star Office, which were designed to extend the functionality of MS Word to Linux and Unix platforms. The operating systems had only vi to that date.
Working closely with Adobe, Microsoft helped push forward Adobe's Portable Document Format (PDF), which had been lauded as far inferior to the established and more highly developed Microsoft Document Format (DOC). It can also type in the form of weasel words. This close partnership between Microsoft and Adobe meant that MS Word has had tight PDF integration build in since the format's release. As it was a visible step back from DOC to PDF, and users risked a vendor lock-in when switching to Adobe's format, suspicion rose quickly that Adobe used unfair business tactics to force Microsoft to their actions. However, neither Microsoft spokesman Bill Gates nor his secretary were available for comment.
[edit] The Market Share Advantage
While MS Word has always maintained a strong market share due to its stable mediocre quality and high cost, that alone is not sufficient to account for high sales of pirated versions. Microsoft has maintained an aggressive marketing strategy, constantly targeting those segments of the population that are least likely to be aware of the advantages of using Word. While most other companies would target the business world or young, hip, computer savvy individuals, Microsoft has sought sales in academic sectors, minority individuals and the clergy. Acknowledging that their software may have been too expensive for some target markets, Microsoft strives to keep prices as high as possible, claiming the loss in revenue is more worth than the gains to society. MS Word thus is seen as a pure luxury good like Single Malt Whiskey or Paris Hilton. It has been said that MS Word killed Wordstar in a back ally one cold winter night. This has never been proven.
[edit] Clippy's death - Last life
Microsoft Clippy had been killed in a papercut accident due to the extreme change in moisture in the weather which was caused by Global Warming. This caused Clippy to go rusty, therefore, this fragility made Clippy easy to be cut by any sharp edges or sides of objects. However, whenever a user restarts Microsoft Office, Clippy respawns into his next life.
Sadly on January 30th, 2007, Clippy met his last death when Bill Gates announced to Microsoft, "We are launching Office 2007, I want it to be clean, simple and professional. So get that jerk out of the way." Clippy was officially exiled from Microsoft Office and never to be seen again in future products.
[edit] The Technical Advantage
While many other word processors leave the user helplessly to complex tasks like writing a letter or a laundry list, MS Word features so-called wizards which serve two purposes:
- They help users to accomplish a difficult feat.
- They lighten the work and brighten things up by providing some light relief at regular intervals.
A true miracle of modern artificial intelligence, the multiple wizard personality of modern MS Word are highly adaptable to the user's needs, reading every single wish from the operator's very mind.
Another area that is outstanding is the level of security that can be achieved by using MS Word. Pure steganography is simple not safe enough any more, with organisations like NSA and CIA sniffing both private and commercial data. Thus, Microsoft incorporated a new encryption technology that operates on effectively mixing the data payload with other random bytes in a way that a document usually is decipherable only with the exact installation of MS Word that created it. Note that this also means that your documents will not even be cracked and read by anyone in the distant future, as they will not have the means to run the MS Word installation which encrypted them as, at the current rate, all used builds of windows will be unbootable within five seconds of their connection to the internet within one year. Moreover, users can raise the level of security significantly by adding images and footnotes to the document. Also providing cocks where needed. Also FUCK MICROSOFT WORD.
doors
[edit] Versions of MS Word
Versions of MS Word include:
- Word 4.0 - Big, slow, and useless
- Word 95 - Bigger, slower and more useless (due to Clippy)
- Word 97 - A piece of crap that you will never want
- Word 2000 - Now integrated into your OS!
- Word XP - Now comes with the free Airplane Cockpit mode, where toolbars are shoved in-your-face
- Word 2003
- Word 2007 - A extremely bloated edition of MS Notepad
- Word 2008 for Mac OS X - A shitty application for a shitty OS
and the hidden:
- Word NFWTMC (Word N' ot Filled With Too Much Crap)
