Midgets
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Some history books have reportedly claimed that midgets are actually the last survivors of a defunct race of humans also known as "The Aztecs". As the claim suggests, midgets were basically nomads but in their 5533 year history have been known to settle near or around geysers, more specifically around the 23rd parallel half way north of Intercourse, South Dakota, USA.
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Sadly, this is not entirely accurate.
In fact, such an skewed understanding of the species known as "the Midge" is precisely to their plan and engineering.
As it so happens, Midgets are the creators of Heaven, Earth, and all of the known universe. A race of towering giants (most over 30 feet tall), Midgets devised the ingenious plan of creating mankind with their eyes installed backward, thus implementing the reverse-telescope-effect and giving the appearance that the Midge are a small breed. Scholars purport that the reasoning behind the reverse ocular installation was to allow the Midge to live amongst mankind but forego having to put up with the incessant begging that would inevitably surface. Humans are a grabby bunch.
By altering the human perception of themselves, the Midge are able to live and move freely among us, studying us at close range while remaining largely ignored.
Considered "cute" by most humans, the average Midge is capable of snapping a man in half with the mere twitch of his foot-long fingers. Middle-aged Midge have been known to consume children (cherished for their veal-like, tender meats) that they pluck from the fronts of grocery stores or from human hives (homes) at night. Quite often, missing persons are nothing more than Midge-shit by morning. But it all goes unnoticed as they "waddle" past investigators and into the next town.
Why Midgets don't destroy mankind is curious. Their patience is astounding considering the belittlement that they are daily subjected to. Perhaps being over 30 feet tall keeps people from getting under your skin. Perhaps the Midge actually enjoy our company and want to dress up like Ewoks.
Much is still unknown about this race of giants. But one thing is certain: the Midge are to be feared and respected. Blessed be the name of the Midge.
Midgets also make healthy (yet tasty!) snacks.
It is a very common misconception that midgets can be domesticated and kept as house-hold pets. Although midgets may seem cute and fun to play with, they are in fact very aggressive animals that will attack and kill their prey without warning.
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[edit] Midgets? a New Species?
It was recently discovered in the Jungles of Papua New Guinea that there is a new branch of the evolution tree that we humans belong in. This recent discovery was confirmed as a new type of species through extensive DNA research and has been given the title Tanus Midgetius or Brian McGregor. Furthermore it is confirmed by representatives of J.R.R. Tolkien that these little midget men were in fact the inspiration for Frodo and his Hobbit friends, also inspiring Brian to kill Aragon and His mother with a broken lawn chair.
[edit] Confusion with Dwarves
It was originally thought that midgets and dwarves were the same thing. Research done in 2007 shows that this is wrong. Midgets don't have beards, and therefore lack the +3 hammer ability and frost resistance that dwarves have.
[edit] What to call "little people"?
Numerous little people have come public saying that terms such as "midget" and "elf" are offensive. However, supreme court ruling in 2006 ruled that the terms are acceptable. As long as when someone confronts a midget they do not punt them, they can point their finger and call them a midget to their hearts desire. They can even kidnap them and hold them hostage and dress them up as little elves if they wish, as stated in the 18.5th amendment: "Midgets have no Rights." But beware for chuck norris often hides in the costume of a midget, and he will rip your balls off. Even if your a women
[edit] "Midgefication"
[edit] "Being Midgeficated"
Alot of people believe that people are born as midgets. This is wrong. Every person is born normal. Some people however are taken away as children by the secret group of midgets and are "midgeficated." Being "midgeficated" is when you are injected with the midgets hi-tech shrinking drug. This drug only effects you when you are older. You are then returned back to your home. If you know anyone who has been midgeficated please tell the F.B.I. MIDGETS MUST BE STOPPED BEFORE IT'S TO LATE!!!!!
[edit] People who have been known to have been "midgeficated"
- Ronnie Corbet
- Wee Man
- The guy who did that sex tape. Mini Me
[edit] Short People
Not to be confused with the Midget, the short person (Pl. Short Peoples) is able to grow taller, but has simply stopped. In general, Short Peoples are accredited as being the major cause of global warming, with teenage angst coming in as a close second. When one of these “Short Peoples” (Or as they are called in the scientific community, “Freaks”) enters a time when they would be normally experiencing a growth spurt, they do not grow and the energy wasted (ΔH) is transformed directly into greenhouse gases, or “hot air”, which also solves the other age-old dilemma or whether short people “suck” or “blow”. (They do, in fact, blow)
[edit] Combating Global Shortening
It is generally accepted that the best tool for combating global shortening is the Guillotine, but thanks to certain unreasonable and entrenched bureaucrats calling murder a “crime” we must use a much less effective technique for combating our common enemy, thank you very much Rosie O’Donnell! The other method is to constantly bombard the polluter with “short jokes”. (Good ones, mind you). Doing so causes the Short Person to “fume”, giving you a nice buzz and allowing these dangerous gasses to be released in less dangerous ways, mostly in the form of “rage”, which is harvested as a major component of fish sticks. So, please do the world a favor by berating/eliminating any Short Peoples you may come across. Remember, for every short person you eliminate, the world becomes a better place to live.
