Mike Dirnt

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“That man sure knows how to handle a bass.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Mike Dirnt

Mike Dirnt, real name Micheal Ryan Pritchard (was born on May 4,1972 in the small town Rodeo, California) is the bassist, chef and all-round candyman of the famous punk-rock Green Day.

What's that? Who said that? Oh, well I'll guess I'll call GD pop-punk then.
  No? You want me to call them emopunk?
    Who said that? Pop-oriented rock-core? Okay, pop-oriented rock-core band Green Day.
      No? What? Punk-metal emostyle hemorrhage-core? This is ridiculous.
        Let's just call them the band Green Day.

He is notable for the way he seems to be in considerable pain every time he's playing the bass. Seriously, man, he like grits his teeth and jumps around and all that shit. F'real. It's like they slice his fingertips with razors and cover the strings with lemon juice. Seriously! I'm not kidding! What? What? Oh yeah, why don't you! Oh. Right. Anyway, with his strict Christian upbringing from his heroin-addicted teenage mother, he would pretend to play the bass when he was bored, as to suppress his urge to masturbate, making a noise of someone playing single notes (dirnt, dirnt, dirnt), and that's how he got his stage name, Mike Dirnt, which is his stage name, which he got when he pretended to play the base, like, (dirnt, dirnt, dirnt). Get it already?!

Moving on, he, along with guitarist and lead vocalist Billie Joe Armstrong, is the band's main sex appeal, since the band's drummer/architect/horse wrangler, Tré Cool, is busy being the comic relief, and, quite frankly, looks somewhat like a chicken.

[edit] Biography

Mike's mother was a teenage heroin addict, which really ought to say you a lot about human nature. Anyway, after she found out that drugs are not a valid substitute for baby formula, she set him up for adoption. His new mother was some variety of ethnic, and his dad was a simple cracker. Like, you know, 'white'? I don't mean he was a drug addict too. That'd be too predictable, man.

Later, his adoptive parents divorced, apparently so quickly his head was still spinning when his mother remarried, and Mike said about it, "When I was in fourth or fifth grade, my mom stayed out all night and came back the next day with this guy, and then he moved in, and all of a sudden he's my new stepdad." He stated he didn't get along with his stepfather, and then, a few years later, his mother ran away to still her thirst for hot male strippers wearing bunny ears, and he and his stepfather realized they shared an interest in vandalizing state property, growing close in the process. Like, I don't mean they grew together into Siamese twins or anything. That's gross. Ew.

Mike attended the John Swett High School, before switching to the Pinole Valley High School. He had a hard time passing since he'd been absent from school, as he worked as a pirate, or a ninja, or something, because that's how awesome he is.

Mike met Billie Joe Armstrong in 1982in the Rodeo Elementary school cafeteria. Billie Joe's father was dead, I mean seriously croaked. He'd died in cancer, one of the funniest diseases in the world. He was probably bald and thin when he died, like a jew in a concentration camp. Probably he was in severe pain for the last few weeks of his life, kept on so much medicine that he didn't even recognize his son as the life slowly left him, the young boy standing as his side with tears in his innocent eyes, wanting only to say goodbye to his beloved father but unable to, findin fhimself at the si de of a fdying twistred remant ofa man--- sorry, I got excited.

He first founded the band Sweet Dawgs with Armstrong and Al Sobrante (played by Robert DeNiro), and then Green Day in 1988, after Mike and Billie had realized their true love for polka after a long, marijuana-filled night, and Al Sobrante committed suicide by stabbing himself in the back, rolling himself up in a carpet and jumping off a bridge.

Mike also broke most of his teeth at the pathetic re-creation attempt of Woodstock, in 1994. Billie Joe, showing unrivalled lack of judgment, decided to, in his own words, "go totally Rambo on the bitches in the audience, man", and started pelting said audience with mud. Someone got up onstage and tried to strangle Billie (a surprisingly frequent occurrence), and when Mike tried to pry the enraged assailant off, a security guard slammed his face into Billie Joe's guitar, Blue. A proper explanation has never been given for this. However, Mike stated in an interview, "I don't care. In fact, I always thought those shark-tooth dentures looked cool, really."

Mike is also bassist in another band called The Frustrators. He was the bassist for the band Screeching Weasel on one of their albums, and also appeared as a vocalist on the debut album by Handgun. All this provides quite solid evidence that Dirnt is a band whore.

[edit] Marriages and children

Mike was actually married before the forming of Green Day, but when he realized his hand was not an eligible partner outside of Las Vegas, he divorced it - unfortunately losing most of his money in the process. I mean, seriously, man, it was grisly. There was a struggle for the couple's only child, Gerard Way. In the end, the divorce ended with the hand taking off with both Gerard and a lot of fresh new moneys, moving into a small house on a beach in California, where it lives to this day with its new husband, the Thing of Addams Family fame. Unfortunately, the hand is still attached to Mike's wrist (as is the fashion), and has to travel a lot.

Mike later hooked up with some bimbo girlfriend nobody knows the name of, but rumor has it he's boinking Green Day's drummer, Tré Cool. The hilarious (if somewhat flimsy) grounds of this is that he "totally puts his hand around Tré in like, FOUR of their videos!!"

Only time will tell what crazy sexcapades Mike will go on in the future.