Milk
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“I am the Milkman. My Milk is delicious.”
~ The Milkman on Milk
Milk is an off-white viscous ooze (not to be mistaken for Liquid Paper™, or semen) that is excreted from the mammalian protuberances of fur-laden animals. This article will confine its attention to milk of the porcine (i.e cow) variety.
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[edit] How Milk is Produced
Picture it this way: someone takes your mother and hooks up machines to her breasts to suck the life, and the milk, out of her. But that's only if she's lactating. But wouldn't it be much more profitable if she was giving milk constantly? This is the case, so The people who hooked up the machines to her breasts will now pump her full of chemicals. If someone decides to drink the milk that your mother produces, they will also consume these chemicals. But wait, it's not just your mother, it's millions and millions of mothers, abused and put on assembly lines to harvest their milk as quickly as possible with little to no regard for their well-being.
Did I also mention that this milk only goes to less than a third of the world? It seems not everyone can afford it, and most people are physically incapable of drinking milk even if they wanted to. Seems like nature was trying to tell us something... but in any case, a third of the world can drink milk (the good third). But it's bad for their bowels. It can cause itchy-bum, aggravate diarrhea or anything else that's going on down below. Fun, eh?
To recap: Milk is produced by hooking up machines to your mother's breasts and then pumping your mother full of chemicals, which trickle down to the consumer, who makes up only a third of the world, and even that third is made sick by milk a lot of the time. Fun stuff.
Oh, wait, your mother is actually a cow. Sorry 'bout that.
[edit] The Milk Brand
After seeing how profitable it was, the cow patented milk so that no one would steal the idea. Goats and other animals like dogs and sheep tried to sell milk but were fined and kicked out of the Forbes richest animals list. Goats had another idea: goats milk - in partnership with milk, the milk patent is why goats milk is called goats milk. This however became a failure and only popular with country singers. All the proceeds went to the cows' milk brand, this is why the cow is the richest animal from 1598-2008(based on Forbes figures) before that the richest animal was the dodo with its widely popular comedy series.
Because milk was becoming unpopular in the, the cow had a great idea for an ad campaign: Got Milk? the idea was to put role models like Britney Spears, Marilyn Manson, David Copperfield, Kiss, Osama bin Laden, Lindsay Lohan, Elvis Presley impersonators and Bart Simpson on bilboards and in pop-ups on porn sites with the Got milk? slogan.
Sadly ,still no-one cares about milk although some get excited when they see milk on hot chics' faces wishing it was their semen.
[edit] History of Milk
The origin of when, how, and who discovered milk remains largely a mystery. However, a popular theory, based on recently discovered cave paintings in Montana near the Idaho border, is that a primitive human with a mental disorder walked up to a cow, and upon seeing a large pink bag, wondered to herself, "I wonder what would happen if I squeezed that big pink thing down there...". Wrapping her hand around the cow's nipple, she gave it a gentle squeeze, then another squeeze, then a firmer squeeze, then several quick tugs in succession, and finally one big long yank, causing the white liquid (later known as "milk") to come out in several gooey spurts. The cow, not very happy about having some icky female human squeezing her private parts, promptly reared up her legs and gave her a good swift kick in the noggin, killing her instantly.
A nearby tribe member, who had happened to have witnessed the violent incident from a relatively safe distance, devised a cunning plan. After giving the cow a few swigs of apple butter balm and taking the cow to a dimly-lit movie theater, he began squeezing the nipples of the now very drunk and sedate cow. Once the milk came out again, he exclaimed to himself "I say, I wonder what this weird, white liquid that just came out of this cow tastes like!". Taking a sip, he found that it had a most refreshing and delicious taste, reminiscent of roasted almonds, similar to the smell of cyanide. He died of hepatitis D the next day.
Eventually, the fondling of cows' teats spread around the world, and various other animals, such as g worms, and sheep were tested using this proven method. Some of the other types of milk that were later discovered are goats and yaks. However, as with any scientific revolution, many unsuccessful experiments were tried on other animals, such as turtles, sharks, lions, and humans. None survived. Shortly after the millennium and years of speculation it was confirmed that milk is better than wood. Mainly because it can be used to make tea.
Another popular theory is that all cows came from the land of Lactania. This is theorised to be an island (now gone much like Atlantis), home to many breeds of cow.
[edit] Illicit Milk Abuse
Milk became the "Sissy Drink of All Eternity" in 549 BC when Steve Urkel warped through a time/dimension rift and drank it right in front of King McMaceral, who then outlawed it for all eternity. Since then, outlaw sissies have been drinking it in secrecy to gain genetic enhancing powers in the face of bully attacks.
It is well known that Superman was once a sissy who wore nerdish glasses, but after drinking 4 billion gallons of illicit milk, he gained super-human powers too. After the American government figured this out, they promptly infected him with a genetically modified virus that paralyzed his body. Milk is now strictly controlled by the federal government and is most commonly found in cleaning products.
Milk was also used by Zombie Jesus to slaughter the Jews in WW3/2. Though he was eventually defeated by Captain Bulgaria it was later found out that he too was using milk to become more powerful then Zombie Jesus.milk and carrot are closet relatives to ping wow elephants!
[edit] Super AIDS
Milk was once thought to be the leading cause of Super AIDS. However, milk does not cause Super AIDS. Because of this, Oscar Wilde is often seen walking the streets, handing out bottles;while fanning out the invisible flames which ravage his tender body.
[edit] Milk Research
Recent research conducted by electricity has discovered that Milk can in fact take a piss and feel pain. The research was trying to find out what caused it go sour and then they looked at it with their eyes and found all that. Dr. Nuttinbettatodu had this to say "I'm so stoned..." Milk had no comment, it just pissed on the microphone and cried, well, it didn't cry but I could feel it's pain, well not really, but it's pain could be felt, by its self, comma.
Hitler accidentally invented Cilit Bang in trying to find a cheaper alternative to Pasteurised Milk.
[edit] Health Benefits of Drinking Milk
- Thicker bones
- Strong white teeth
- A nice glossy coat
- healthy slaves. erm, kids.
- diarrhea
- Firmer erections
- Super AIDS
- whiter skin
- lovely arm hair
- banishing mime/child molesters/rabbits to the Twilight World (see top picture)
- Udder growth
- Immunity to rape
- A +5 bonus to attack damage and a 1-hour temporary +1 bonus to constitution.
- Thick white mustaches
- The ability to eat corn flakes
- The ability to kill the dancing milk.
- A very pale baby after pregnancies.
- Causes nasty ass splurging white stuff out of your nose if you laugh at Chuck Norris jokes.
[edit] Health Risks of Drinking Milk
- Botulism
- Flesh eating bacteria
- Cowpox
- SUPER REFLEXES. LIKE THOSE OF A DOORHANDLE
Super AIDS- Mad Cow Disease
- Cowation
- Flatulence
- reactions of an anabolic steroid enduced camel
- Juggler's despair
- Halitosis
- Gynecomastia
- Acute lactose poisoning
- Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis
- Terrible acne
- Inflammation of man boobs
- Calcium poisoning
- Thyroid and gonad explosion
- Unable to stop writing bad jokes in uncyclopedia
- Ebola
- xenomorph bursting from your chest
- D.N.A alteration (mutating)
- Marriage
- Having to play HANNAH MONTANA CHESS
- Not being Edward Elric.
[edit] Popularity of Milk
The country of Magnesia is one of the world's leading exporters of milk.
[edit] Results of the 2003 Survey of out-patients at de Varfschaaaarp Hospital, Holland
| Milk | 43% |
| Milk | 43% |
| Lemonade | 14% |
[edit] Results of the 2003 Survey of patients round the corner at de Varfschaaaarp Hospital, Holland
| Chocolate milk | 17% |
| No preference | 83% |
Despite these impressive statistics, milk is the worst thing in the world.
[edit] See Also
- You have two cows
- Cow war
- Smeg
- Half-Life
- Why milk is the worst thing in the world
- Tuscan whole milk
- Cow Juice
- Milk
