Millwall

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Kilt loving friends: Legendary Millwall hardman Dave Sinclair and friends

Millwall is a football club based in Bermondsey, formed by a group of haggis loving anti-American imperialists in the late 1990's. This mentality was the foundation for their famous song "No-one likes the U.S, we don't care!". The founder members wanted an environment where they could practice their religion of haggis-shagging without fear of persecution.

For more on Millwall, please also see Mickey Mouse.

[edit] Dave Sinclair

The first chairman of Millwall was Dave Sinclair, who was famed for being the hardest man in the world, harder even than Jack Bauer and Chuck Norris. Sinclair is still lauded among most Millwall fans, and among a sizeable majority of them he is still believed to be God.

Sinclair's high esteem in Millwall circles came in spite of his crippling disease. He suffered from boneus-gutless-cowardice, which meant that his bones were in fact made of peanut butter. This, combined with the fact that he was utterly shit at football, and also had the same pain tolerance as a 75 year old woman, meant that he spent most games hiding in the dressing room under a table crying like a girl. Such an example by their iconic leader eventually led to the Millwall supporters acquiring a reputation for football hooliganism.

[edit] Millwall and football hooliganism

A Millwall fan rescues a cat from a tree. Note how there are palm trees in South London. The Millwall fan is also black, and thus not racist.

Millwall have a reputation for being crap at football, but rather good at twatting passers by with lumps of wood. However, the reality is somewhat different, and Millwall fans can frequently be found doing good deeds and fine works all around the world. Most leper colonies have a number of Millwall fans who help out, e.g. by picking up lost limbs, peeling off leperous scabs from inmates, that sort of thing. Fire stations around the UK have Millwall fans on call to assist with helping cats out of trees, as British firefighters feel unqualified to handle animals.

Perhaps Millwall's greatest good deed came during a fixture at Luton. In this instance the Millwall supporters, shocked to the core at how derelict and pathetic the home side's stadium was, took it upon themselves to demolish the offending eyesore. This demolition of Kennilworth Road would have freed up valuable space for the town to erect something more aesthetically pleasing, such as a 100ft accurate replica of a dog turd.

The Millwall fans' intentions were, unfortunately, misunderstood. They were roundly condemned and the blight on the landscape that is Kennilworth Road persists to this day.

Every cloud has a single lining, however. British broadcasters and particularly the BBC frequently have gaps in their schedules, which they fill by broadcasting the footage of the Luton "riot" repeatedly. Millwall FC consequently receive valuable royalty money for such broadcasts.

[edit] Millwall in modern times

While Millwall was originally formed for just a laugh among a group of Kilt loving friends, the laughs soon moved off the pitch when the supporters realised just how bad the football being played was. In 2005 they were managed by Mongo from Blazing Saddles. Mongo took shit football to new heights, and indeed, won the coveted Nobel Shit Football prize for his efforts.

Millwall have occasionally flirted with competence on the football pitch, although this did land them in hot water on the political stage when they upset the Hammas by beating them 4-1. Rumour has it that the recent instability in the Middle East is directly linked to this atrocity.

More recently there has been significant malcontent among supporters, generated by perceived infractions by the chair of their representative body. The MSC - which stands for Millwall Supporting Cunts - brought in a load of tangerines into an "oranges only" area.

There was been more heartbreak for a sizeable subsection of Millwall supporters in September 2006. Burberry announced a factory closure in Wales. Most inhabitants of Block 19 at Millwall are of the chav persuation, and they need Burberry gear to survive in the same fashion as real human beings need oxygen. Consequently, there have been reports of these Millwall supporters attempting to acquire what they need from other sources. A small group were caught raiding a supermarket fruit section. It is believed they misread the sign, which actually said "Blueberry" not Burberry. Another group raided a mobile phone shop and stole several BlackBerry devices. It seems thus far their search has been - ahem - fruitless.

[edit] Facts about Millwall

• Millwall's nickname is "the Lines", as a result of the activities many supporters and most players get up to in the cubicles of public toilets.
• It is part of the constitution of the FA that Millwall must NEVER be given a penalty. Similarly they must have at least one player sent off every game.
• Millwall once got to the FA Cup final. They played Manchester United, who sportingly agreed to give Millwall an infinite number of goals as a head start. Unfortunately Millwall still lost.
• Millwall was once managed by ex-England and Chelsea shortarse Dennis Wise. However, Wise's tenure came to an end when the club lost him. I mean, literally, LOST him. To this day, back room staff at Millwall still occasionally spend a few minutes lifting up stray pieces of paper just in case someone left him on a desk somewhere under a load of paperwork.
• Millwall v Charlton is the most one-sided local derby in English history. Regardless of the two rivals' league placings, Charlton always lose such fixtures. This was evidenced recently when Charlton Cricket Club played Millwall FC. Millwall won by five goals to three runs all out.
• The last time Millwall faced rivals West Hamas at the Den, they won 4-1. This directly led to a number of armed conflicts breaking out in the Middle East.
• Millwall's most successful manager is Steve Claridge. Under Claridge's reign, Millwall never lost a single competitive match, a remarkable feat. Some historians denounce this achievement by pointing out that Claridge's Millwall never actually PLAYED a competitive match, but Lions fans refute this argument by slapping such historians around the face with a brick. Meanwhile, Claridge is nonplussed by such criticism. "I'm just glad I was given the chance" he beamed. Despite retiring from management, he stayed on at the club as a player, vowing never to stop, and at the tender age of 136 is still the first name on the teamsheet.