Miss America

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Miss America is a grueling contest by which Americans© determine the best of their nubile breeding stock. It is not to be confused with a presidential election, which is a far less rigorous process, and which involves far more manual stimulation.

[edit] Origins

The precise origins of Miss America are lost to history and much disputed. Among the leading theories are:

Alan Alda's lengthy, persuasive article, "Red Sonja in the Colonies" argued that Miss America can be traced to the early days of European colonization of the New World^[1], when women outnumbered men by seven to one. The men organized blood-sport competitions to weed out the weak and unfit to breed, thereby ensuring the strength of the American Species. Echoes of these colonial contests appear in Miss America's swimsuit competition (which originally allowed the women to clearly display that their hips were wide enough to bear multiple children), and the musical portion (where women proved their skills at composing ballads to praise their husband's bear-killing, mountain-climbing, and redskin-killing abilities).
Mitt Romney's master's thesis, Miss America: Polygamy and Social Propriety argued that the pageant's origins are from the early days of Mormon history, when church leaders used any excuse to fornicate with teenaged girls. Knowing that women are susceptible to vanity, Joseph Smith and, later, Brigham Young organized beauty pageants between the girls in the community. When the girls were exhausted by the competition and anxious about winning, Smith, acting as judge, would announce "I can't decide! You're all winners!" whereupon the girls would break out in joyous song, and Smith would marry them en masse in his temple. This theory was embraced in Mormon culture, but was rejected by most other historians, because George Washington was the first Miss America, and died before Mormonism was foisted upon the world.

[edit] Miss Americas through the years

Jesus Christ was not the first Miss America, regardless of what that handsome Greek man told you that evening in the pup tent during that unforgettable weekend after high school graduation. You didn't actually believe that story, did you? Yeah, I did too, but I was drunk, and it was dark. In reality, George Washington was the first Miss America
Thomas Jefferson
George Jefferson
Diana Ross
Princess Diana
Alan Thicke
Alan Ginsberg
Gary Burghoff
Twiggy
Gary Burghoff
David Hasselhoff
George Clinton
Karl Rove
John Kerry (Only won because the judges felt bad for him when he got diarrhea and cried during the swimsuit contest)