Mississippi
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“Oh, Mammy, its your sonny boy.â€
~ Oscar Wilde on Mississippi
“Did you jus' say that Missy is sipping on pee?â€
~ Aunt Jemima on Mississippi
Mississippi (official motto "The Ree-tardid State") is a southern state of the United States. It is considered part of the Deep South. The state takes its name from a urine stain, which ruins its western boundary. Mississippi is also the leading state for fat kids.
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[edit] History
The first European expedition into the territory that would become Mississippi was that of Hernando Cortez. Cortez, was mistaken for a Frenchman by history, and to salute him the other French soldiers mooned him. Cortez thanked them by burning them at the stake, but not before first tickling them until they pee'd (again with the urine flying all over the place).
When The great King Kitakunta Cotton reigned during the 1850s, Mississippi plantation owners became increasingly wealthy due to the high fertility rate of the slaves and the high price of fruit of da looms on the international market. The necessity of slaves with large penises to sustain such income played a heavy role with both gay state politicians and horny white women.
Mississippi typifies the Deep Fried South. Mississippi holds the most stocks in KFC essentially making it 50% sharholder of the commonwealth of Kentuckistan.
Mississippi was a focus of the American Civil Rights Movement. Most white Mississippians, through their politicians and involvement in the Ku Klux Klan gave their white brethern the well deserved reputation of "Stupid White Crackers" (and for tourism sake "Welcome Whities!) during the 1960s. Nuclear weapons were detonated east of the Mississippi, near Hattiemcdanielsburg (Pop. One Really Big Black Woman) when U.S. realestate agents claimed that the deserts of Nevada were of greater value than the muck that covers the "Swamp of the South". This had little effect on the other citizens of the state who used the reactive winds to toast weinies and marshmallows.
Perhaps symbolic of its reputation, the state was the last to institute fun and the last to abolish slavery, in 1966 and 1995 respectively.
The Mississippi River got melted a trikillion years ago and George Washington had to remake it while eating hot cheetos. Abraham Lincoln helped him in the making while explaining to Betsy Ross that cookies can only be eatend wen you are wearing either a fanny pack or thongs.
[edit] Population
As of 2005, Mississippi has an estimated population of 2,921,088. Make that 2,921,089. Lets try 2,921,090.... Anyway a good percentage are former slaves and unemployed plantation owners.
Also, due to hurricane Katreena a great deal of mexicans now live in Mississippi so take the population above divide by 3 and multiply by 85 and you now have the current population of Mississippi.
[edit] Racial makeup and ancestry
Until about 1940, Blacks made up a majority of Mississippians. They literally made them up - with the help of Max Factor and a lot of blush. No one knew about Botox back then.
Due to a ban on Pickled Pigs Feet and Jesus, the state's black population declined. But since all the biggoted white people have been dying off, folks are moving back home. That and fucking. Lots and lots of fucking. And because of this, in the public school districts, a majority of students are black.
More than 98% of the white population of Mississippi is native-born, predominantly of Incest descent. According to the 2000 census, the largest group of people are Africans - knee-slapping and rhythm endowed church going at that.
The second biggest group are the Jews - because we all know that after the Jews move in, the the blacks take over.
[edit] Economics
The Bureau of Economic Urinalysis estimates that Mississippi's total state product in 2003 was $72,000. Per capita personal income in 2005 was thirteen cents, 49th in the nation, exceeding only Alabama. In contrast to the second lowest per capita income Mississippians consistently rank as one of the highest per capita in charitable contributions Gullibility Index. The state however excels at failure, ranking it second in that field in the United States (Alabama is first).
Mississippi's rank (and God, it still smells) as one of the poorest states can be traced to the Civil War. Before the War Between the States, Mississippi was the fifth-wealthiest state in the nation. Slaves were then counted as valuable property and, in Mississippi, all but fourteen people were Mandingo's, and they bring more at market. The war cost the state 30,000 men, all of whom were gentlemen. All fourteen plantation owners were virtually bankrupted by the slaves who were either dead or ran away.
In 1990, after the civil war and before the slaves were freed, casino gambling was legalized along the Mississippi River and the Gulf Coast to make up for lost revenue. However, Hurricane Katrina was a huge bitch when she hit. Before Hurricane Katrina struck the Gulf Coast, Mississippi was the second largest gambling state in the Union, ahead of New Jersey and behind Nevada.
[edit] Transportation
Mississippi has the most thoroughly developed networks of dirt roads and footpaths in the United States. It also has one interstate highway, Interstate-169
Two further interstate highways were proposed: Interstate 169 and Interstate 269. However, the bill died when the entire senate took too long trying to count that high. A proper burial service was held in Natchez, which was followed by 2 potlucks and a football game.
[edit] Politics, law and government
For 116 years (from 1876 to 1992), Mississippians only elected Democratic governors. However, since Bill Clinton's blow job, the Republican Party was seen as the way to go and that was only because good old boys thought Clinton had bad aim.
Mississippi is one of the most religious states in the nation. In 2004 George W. Bush placed second behind God.
Liquor laws are completely fucked up. If you plan on getting drunk on Sunday, forget it. Many counties sell liquor but not beer, others sell beer but not liquor. Some allow beer sales, but only if it is warm beer. If you really want to get drunk, keep on driving to Louisiana.
In 2004, 86% of voters amended the state constitution to shoot any same sex couples.
[edit] Education
In 2004, Mississippi was ranked last among the fifty states in academic achievement by the American Legislative Exchange Council's Report Card on Education, with the lowest average ACT scores and spending per pupil in the nation. Lets see Texas try and beat us on that.
[edit] Major city
Everything else in Mississippi is built around plantation houses and shacks made of old Kotex boxes.
[edit] Universities and colleges
- Alcorn State University
- Oprah & Dr. Phil Community College
- Delta Burke State University
- John Holmes Community College of Porn
- Rust College
- Mildew College
- Action Jackson State University
- Mississippi State University
- Northwest Mississippi Community College
- Southwest Mississippi Community College
- Eastwest Mississippi Community College
- Another Mississippi Community College
- Southern Miss. (Most assume they dont know how to spell Mississippi.)
- Mississippi University for Women
- Mississippi University for Men
- Mississippi University for Everyone Else
- Mississippi Valley State University
- Ippississim College for Dyslexics
- University of Mississippi - AKA Ole Miss (Reputed for never winning a Football game and never losing a party!)
- Mississippi University of Black People
- National Lynching School of Caucasians
[edit] Miscellaneous topics
- It is common for young children in the United States to count "One-Mississippi, two-Mississippi" before getting a painful wedgie.
- The Teddy Bear gets its name from a hunting trip in 1902, by Prince Theodore Roosevelt, when Roosevelt refused to shoot a captured bear. Theodore Roosevelt was later called a pussy.
- Former stoner and administrator of NASA Estil (Buzz) Aldrin is from Fayette, the gayest place in the whole state. Educated in Mississippi and Georgia, Buzz was voted Buzziest astronaut that NASA ever turned out.
- It's the only state where pedophilia is legal! Minors can marry in this state. 10 is the age of consent here!
- It's a very well known fact that Alabama is very jealous of Mississippi and will often slander it's name. WE'RE 49TH NOT 50TH THIS TIME YOU COCKSUCKERS, is the common rallying cry.
- In 2002, 500 angry rednecks drove into Alabama and declared war on the black people therein. After a while, they got tired, drank a bit of beer, ate some fried chicken, and then started watching NASCAR again. They were never seen again.
[edit] Famous Mississippians
Mississippi has produced a number of notable number of nobodies, including: musicians Elvis Presley, and Jimmy Buffett, blues musicians B.B. King, and Muddy Waters, novelist John Grisham, entertainers Oprah Winfrey and Jim Henson, actors Morgan Freeman, and James Earl Jones, playwright Tennessee Williams, alternative rock band 3 Doors Down, athletes Brett Favre, Jerry Rice, and Steve McNair and country music singers Tammy Wynette, LeAnn Rimes, Charlie Pride, and Faith Hill. (This announcement made by possible through a generous donation to the Anderson Whitman and Lewis Talent Agency)
[edit] State symbols
State motto: "Virtute et Armis" ("Virtueless and Armless" for the 3 citizens who can read)
State flower, state tree and state strip club: Magnoliathunderpussy
State bird: Mockingbird
State book for burning: To Kill A Mockingbird
State beverage: Moonshine
State fossil: A 102 year old man nicknamed "Ziggy"
State comedian: Redd Fox
State wildflower: Marijuana
State disgrace: Square Dancing
State asian: Junchiro "John" Waganaki
| States in the South |
| Alabama - Arkansas - Florida - Georgia - Kentuckistan - Louisiana - Mississippi - Missouri - North Carolina - Oklahoma - South Carolina - Tennessee - Texas - Virginia - West Virginia - and sometimes Ohio |
