Missouri

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“St. Louis and Kansas city are the Israel and Palestine of the midwest”

~ Oscar Wilde on the constant bickering between Kansas city and St. Louis

“Come visit me here! We have a giant slide to heaven called the Arch”

~ QuasiEvilPrimate on St.Louis Architecture

Governmet tipe: Hillbillyocracy y'all!
National Flag:
National Seal:
National Flower:	Fire Flower.
National Bird:	The Canadian
Official language	American English, But it is Law To Pronounce the word Wash "Warsh"
National Anime:	Neon Genesis Evangelion
Official Name:	The Holy Federation Of Missouri
President:	Ryoko Hakubi
Archbishop:	His Holiness Matthew Blunt
Administrative Capitol:	Columbia
Financial Capitol:	St. Louis
Religious Capitol:	Independence, also the Drug Capitol
National Anthem:	Purple Rain by Prince
National Motto:	If you dont like it you can GEEEEEET OOOUUUUUT!
Declaration of independence:	November. 24, 1998
Currency:	The Midwest Yen (Example:MҰ1230.00)
Principal imports:	French Wine, Sake, Ducks, Sand, Boron gas, Blue Collar Comedy DVDs, Cocaine, Migrant workers, Mormons, Trailers.
Principal exports:	Meth, Crystal Meth, Toasted ravioli, Toasted meth, the Cardinals, Chocolate meth, Tweakers, Chocolate flavored tweakers, Alcoholics, Corn, Beef, Soy, Amish pornography, RLDS Mormons.
Principal industries:	Farming, Drugs, Crime, Religion, Methamphetamine, Beer
Fun Fact # 1:	The city of Liberty was the original capital of Missouri
Official Sandwich:	Burnt Ends Sandwich and the Poor Russ

The Holy Federation Of Missouri or Missouri (commonly pronounced "mizzurah" or "misery") is an independent country with only three major cities, that like 12 year old sisters, hate each other. The river that runs through said land is also named Missouri. The name is derived from a Native American word meaning "Disgusting oversized waterside polluted by fucking greedy palefaced industrialists". It's also known locally as the Show me state, which, though it sits directly in the center of the bible belt, causes all citizens to be atheists. Missouri is also known to be Steven Colbert's favorite state after his home state of South Carolina. This is reaffirmed on May 28th, 2008 when Senator Jean Carnahan offered the Missouri state flag (shown right) to Colbert, and he accepted. Missouri's awesomeness now is 2nd only to the Independent Republic of Texas.

1 Geopolitical Information
2 Military
3 Population and demographics
4 Rolla, Missouri
5 Weather and Calendar
- 5.1 Weather
- 5.2 The Calendar
6 Funish Facts
7 Things Missouri is Known For

[edit] Geopolitical Information

The Administrative capital is Kansas City which is home to the Kansas City Chiefs, the Kansas City Royals and other fundamentally challenged sports corporations. It's also Home to the Best Barbecue in the world (FUCK YOU TEXAS). Originally, after the war, the administrative capital moved around a lot for no apparent reason. They were: Branson(where cheap water parks and untalented bluegrass musicians will always be), Jefferson City (where the state prison used to be), Liberty (where nothing has ever been), and Saint Charles (where some casinos and suburbs are now). Saint Louis is the financial capital of Missouri and is home of the Saint Louis Cardinals, Saint Louis Rams, Saint Louis Blues, and other sports corporations. It's also the hometown of Anheiser Busch, Emerson Electric, Ralston Purina and other Megacorporations. Also, it should be noted that Saint Louis is home to the Missouri stock market and is the source of the wealth of Missouri... Well that and cows. Lots and lots of cows.

Missouri also contains the engineering capitol of the United States, Rolla. Rolla contains nothing of importance other than the campus of University of MIssouri - Rolla, where over nine thousand students all force themselves to learn engineering tactics while getting as drunk as possible.

Springfield is the crime, death, gang, and snob capital of Missouri, and happens to be the place where chrystal meth was invented. It was originally known as "hard candy" and if any white folk sold it it would be known as "white chocolate".

Kennett is known as "the hole in the ground" and serves as the front most battleline between Arkansas and Missouri.

[edit] Military

MoDOT serves as the border patrol by blocking all major roadways into state with orange barrels. The water ways are defended by two captured vessels: the USS Missouri which patrols the Missouri river and the USS Ronald Reagan which sits in party cove in the Lake of the Ozarks. The rest of the naval forces consist of machine gun mounted jet skis and turreted speed boats. The air force consists of refurbished Midwest Air Lines MD 88s (equipped with a carpet bomb payload and heat seeking missles), 747s (equipped with bunker busters and tomahawk missles) and the Channel 4 news copter refitted with two mini-guns and a standard missile launcher, all based out of KCI. The rest of the air force is made up of what was left at Whiteman Air Force Base after the battle of July 1st. The general ground troops consist of well equipped crazed NRA members and hillbillies. It should also be noted that Missouri is the world's second largest nuclear super power with a surplus of over 500 Minuteman warheads in its stock pile.
Also, Missouri is home to the deadliest fighting force in the universe: The NINJA MARINES. Once, in World War II, 1 NINJA MARINE killed an entire German Tank Division. It was described as : "Teh NINJA MARINE pwned a11 the German n00bz."

[edit] Population and demographics

A typical Missourianian.

Missouri is populated by farms, casinos, suburbs, Walmart branches, soccer moms, menonites, cows, truckers, rednecks, drug dealers (lots of drug dealers), over-payed baseball players, bible-thumpers, crack whores, inbreds, headcrab zombies, a pet cerberus that runs wild in Kansas City, and the occasional human/sheep hybrid.

[edit] Rolla, Missouri

Rolla has a population of 6,000, with an additional 6,000 students living there non-permanently. These 6,000 students are frequently seen drunk performing miraculous acts with a slide rule, and more recently, a TI-89. This is due to the fact that there is nothing, nonetheless women, in Rolla. The students find that upon visiting a different campus, such as Mizzou, they quickly outdrink their more liberal peers and proceed to have sex with their women. Rolla students are also known to have a far more conservative campus, and when bored, create highly complex and mechanical devices of destruction.

[edit] Weather and Calendar

[edit] Weather

The weather in Missouri is often described as Fuck'd up. The winters tend to be similar to that of Antarctica with blizzards and -40 degree wind chills. Many Missourianinites are too weak to survive the winter, resulting in a yearly mortality rate of 30% - 50%. The only relief from winter is the onset of spring, which is not really one season but all four wrapped in to one. On a typical spring day one will experience early morning snow followed by a few hours of sun light, a thunderstorm producing tornados, blazing heat and humidity, and finally freezing rain and snow at nightfall. The hell that is a Missouri Summer consists of heat stroke victims, drought, boating accidents and fist fights at the "Beaumont" in Kansas City. When it does eventually rain the possibility of yet more tornados is 90%. Autumn is generally gray and rainy; this is Missouri's wet season. It will only stop raining when it starts snowing.

[edit] The Calendar

Missouri's Calendar is filled with many Holidays and yearly events.

January 1st New Years Eve
February There are no holidays in February.
March 17th Saint Patrick's Day (The Mardi Gras of the midwest)
April 13-17 Spring Break. Also the 16th is the permanent date of Easter on the Missouri Calendar.
May 8th Barbecue Day
May 25th Towel Day (Don't Panic)
June 1st School Stops
June 28th Louis and Clark Day
July 4th National Pyromaniac and Fire Day
July 5th National Fire Recovery Day
July 20th Trailer Appreciation Day
August 6th Missourian Labor Day
September 1st School Starts
October 30th The Freakers Ball
November 20th Missourianian Thanksgiving Day (Also known as National Domestic Dispute Day)
November 24th Independence day
December 25th Christmas
Sunday Religious indoctrination services

[edit] Funish Facts

Pacific, Missouri is home of the Nation's Worst High School Football Team Ever.

No asian has ever been seen in Missouri outside of an Oriental restaurant or an UMKC, AEL, or UMR class.

Missouri can and will kick Kansas' ass even while riding its ATV drunk down country roads.

It is technically legal to strike any jaywalking pedestrian with your vehicle, provided they are not white, not christian, or crossdressing. None of the following apply if the jaywalkers are in fact fans of the Jayhawks, more commonly known as the The Team Who Got Into A BCS Bowl in Missouri.

"Ain't" is so a word. SO is "Cain't".

If the bottom three counties in Iowa ceded to Missouri, both states average I.Q.'s would increase.

Missouri lacks any sarcasm whatsoever. Yep.... no sarcasm in here, however you might find the occasional nuclear silo.. No sarcasm at ALL, no, for real.

Missouri has dated your mom. Missouri did not call back for a follow up date and was overheard near the water cooler stating "I'm not into butter-faces. Although from behind she wasn't half bad.". Missouri is a shallow jerk.

It is a well known fact that people from Kansas City hate people from St. Louis and people from St. Louis hate people from Kansas City. The exact reason why is unknown but it is believed that "St. Louis started it!" however this was respoded to by saying "Kansas City's touching me!"

All Barbecue from Missouri is better than the Barbecue from Texas (which you can't really call Barbecue).

Columbia, MO is actually the center of the universe.

[edit] Things Missouri is Known For

Rolla
The home of the Hamilton family in The Hills of Home
That one thing
Beer
Explosive Diarrhea
Float trips & beer bongs
Interrupting conversations with useless facts about cheese homogenization
Missouri has displayed a penchant for using old pop-culture phrases such as "WHAAAAAAZZZZZUP!" and "You are the weakest link... GOODBYE!!" raising the ire of both Iowa and Kansas.
Boating Accidents
GSBLaX
Meth lab incidents

Random methlab explosions are a part of the daily life of the average Missourian.

Barbecue
Beer
People that will never be on TV
Deluded sports fans
The stupidest people
Sports fans made delusional by the consumption of beer
An obscene amount of movie theaters and strip malls
Homicidal American Indians
White trash families attempting to achieve suburban mediocrity
Second-rate theme parks.(See Worlds of Fun... go ahead see it then you will know what I am talking about)
Child abuse
The travels and adventures of Lewis and Clark
A shitty hockey team
Lynchings
Party Cove
Beer