Mister Darcy
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“The name's Darcy, Mister Darcy”
~ Mister Darcy on His name
“I think he's barely tolerable”
~ Oscar Wilde on Mister Darcy
“Don't tell me you didn't enjoy it at the time”
~ Mister Darcy on the above quote
“Do you expect me to marry your daughter?”
~ Mister Darcy on Lady Catherine de Bourg
“No Mister Darcy, I expect you to die”
~ Lady Catherine de Bourg on the above quote
“Who do you think would win?”
~ Bridget Jones on Colin Firth and Danielle Craig in a fight
“Not Hugh Grant. Or Le Chiffre.”
~ Mister Darcy on The above quote.
Mister Darcy, was the world's first secret agent. He was James Bond's great, great, great, great grandfather and was alive while Queen Victoria or some other ridiculously old monarch was on the throne.
Well known for being suave, sophisticated and with a licence to kill he was the the world's greatest superspy at the time he was alive and was also well-known for having a taste for fast carriages, beautiful women (his personal favourites being Elizabeth Bennet and your mother) and extremely high-tech gadgets like revolvers. Highly educated with a great deal of knowledge on a variety of subjects, Darcy was always well-dressed and armed with a clever gadget and an appropriate one-liner.
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[edit] Early life and career
Mister Darcy was born to a wealthy English couple named Monique and Frederick. They named him "Mister" after his uncle of the same name. At the age of two he was sent to Eton. When he was three, his parents died in a climbing accident when they were visiting Darcy's Uncle Mister in Switzerland.
At the age of eighteen Darcy was recruited by the British Secret Service and after successfully assissinating the head of the Indian Mutiny a year later, he was given 00 status. Assuming the name 007-1/2 (double "Oh" seven and a half) he excelled at espionage and exhibited a talent for, well just about everything but particularly defeating terrorists (yes they even had hem in Victorian times) and deranged megalomaniacs who wanted to conquer the world and/or overthrow the British Empire.
While in his twenties he acquired a biographer, Jane Austin whom he promptly seduced.
[edit] Mister Darcy's favourite gadgets
The Ministry of Defence's top weapons manufacturer Mr Q (the Q is for Quartermaine) designs Darcy's gadgets for him. Among his particularlar favourites are:
- The Revolver that can turn into a comb (Walther PPKs are a thing of the past and they haven't even been invented yet).
- The rocket powered-carriage that has no need of horses and can deply missiles from underneath.
- The Cane that can turn into a sword.
- That thing.
[edit] Women (to say nothing of the men) Darcy has shagged
Darcy is infamous for fornicating even more than Casanova however being a member of the British Secret Service, not only does he have a Licence to Kill, he has a licence to fornicate.
Among the many beautiful (or otherwise) women Darcy has made love to are:
- Elizabeth Bennet.
- Elizabeth Swann (before she met Jack Sparrow).
- Cecelia Tallis (before she fell in love with that slimy guy from The Chronicles of Narnia).
- Keira Knightley's great, great, great, great grandmother, Saintly Knightley.
- Attractive Russian spy, Fella Titzallova.
- His biographer, Jane Austin.
- Emily Bronte (he likes Goth chicks).
- Bridget Jones, wanton sex-goddess.
- Mum.
...and Vanessa Feltz, Dawn French, Judy... and then Richard
[edit] Arch enemies
Darcy has saved the world from deranged megalomaniacs and evil spies who want to overthrow the British Empire countless times. Among his most deadly enemies are:
- Doctor Septimus Pretorius
- His evil aunt, Lady Catherine de Bourg
- Mr Collins, the evil social climber well known for his silver revolver and his alias, the Man with the Silver Gun
- Professor Moriarty
- Errand, the Chinese Assassin who can throw a top hat with lethal force and pin-point accuracy.
- Kaisar Wilhelm III (he's been plotting World War I for quite some time).
