Moldovan War
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
The Moldovan War occurred early in the presidency of Emmanuel Lewis. Journalists at the time predicted it would demonstrate the tempo of Lewis's foreign policy. However, it remained Lewis's only foreign war as he spent the vast majority of his time focusing on domestic policy to draw order from the chaos left by the Simpson and Hussein administrations.
Contents |
[edit] Causes
The causes of the war remain rather unclear. Some historians have speculated that one or many reasons may be involved in the outbreak of war. Others believe the war was inevitable, though this theory does not have much evidence to support it.
[edit] Direct Causes
On Jun. 20, 2362, the czar of Moldova, Greco II, was injured in a freak accident on a swing set. Moldovan health care technology at the time was roughly on par with health care in 10th Century France; health care in the entire Eastern European theater had actually retrogressed. The nation was more advanced than it's neighbors, who simply executed and ill person in the country. By comparison, the Moldovan custom of amputation for any disease was fairly tame. Initial reports by Moldovan doctors had the young czar's chances of survival fairly slim and suggested treatments submerging him in maple syrup for 12 consecutive days, a lethal NERF barrage indended to "beat" the injury out, and handing the unfortunate monarch over to the already anxious bordering countries.
Greco's most trusted general, Lars Ljubino, suggested the monarch flee to America for a time to seek treatment from American doctors. On Jun. 29, Greco disguised himself as Alexander Hamilton and snick across the border to Ukraine where he boarded a flight to Boston and was rushed to a hospital. The doctors there recommended a Band-Aid and a kiss from his mother and sent the czar off.
Greco was hesitant to return to his homeland initially. In America, he acquried his first taste of alcohol, something traditionally forbidden in Moldova. Also, he became a huge fan of the prog-rock band King Crimson. The czar became an enormous lover of American culture and concluded to spend a full month in the country, not returning to Moldova until Jul. 29. During his time in the country, he took notes, planning to bring back many of the things he observed to his native land. Among these were bureucracy, health insurance, gothic makeup, and Teddy Grahams.
Upon Greco's return, anti-American sentiment began to rise in Moldova among conservatie leaders and much of the army due to the changes the czar was instituting. Hearing of this, President Lewis skipped over the Constitution and single-handedly declared war on Moldova on Aug. 5.
[edit] Moldovan Nationalism
The Moldovans have always been a notoriously nationalistic people. After breaking from the Soviet Union in 1991, the people have refused to be confused with the remaining peoples of the area, such as the Magyars. The suggestion that another nation's culture could infiltrate and permeate that sacred nation severely offended the people of Moldova. In addition, the czar's newfound love of alcohol was seen as anti-Moldovan. What the nation as a whole blamed for the corruption of their czar was not Greco's choices, but rather the American populace as a whole. Historians have speculated that had the Moldovans not taken such an anti-American stance, Lewis would not have been edged into combat.
[edit] American Expansionism
Lewis's annexations of much of eastern Canada and Portugal during his presidency demonstrate a desire to expand east into much of the North Atlantic area. This plan was slowed significantly as the defense budget in the years following the war was forced to take significant cuts as the war cost more than suspected and took longer than expected. Also, Lewis's domestic reforms drained the federal budget considerably. It has also been suspected Moldova would not have been as good a springboard to the rest of Europe as Lewis had hoped, lacking significant borders and rivers.
[edit] Bipolarity of President Lewis
Lewis has made clear through several coorespondences that his fear was that any opinion regarding America must be a bad one. While it is clear that Greco had good intentions, his mere mention of America was seen by Lewis as an affront. In addition, historians have indicated the president's occasional mood swings may have swayed him into declaring war. Other things did not go Lewis's way that day. He and his wife were having a hard time, his favorite sitcom was a repeat and he lost a costume contest by a very narrow margin to his Vice President, William Shatner. Shatner had chosen to go dressed as the Hamburglar while Lewis chose to go as Gary Coleman. Lewis's incompetency and bipolarity may have led to his passionate declaration of "Let's Roll;" choosing to bypass the Constitution and Senate and go directly to war.
[edit] Course
Lewis's plan to capture the nation relied on old world battle plans. He was going to cut off the Dneister River in the east by deploying Adm. Neil Young in a series of the deadly shaving cream ships to cut off the principal shipping of the area. In the western theater, Gen. Andrew Ridgely was sent with an army of 80,000 to cut off the west from the Prut River and begin advancing towards the capital Chisinau. Lewis's theory was that when Chisinau falls, they will have captured Greco and he will surrender his nation. What Lewis's plan failed to account for was the mobility of the Moldovan army and Greco II. However, the American focres eventually overwhelmed the tiny nation and Greco was forced to surrender.
Greco's defensive plan was to fan out his two prinicpal gernerals to oppose Young and Ridgely and keep their forces divided. If they were able to meet up, they would cruch Chisinau. However, these forces were all Greco had to work with, so his defensive plan was doomed from the start. Rather than establish a way to repel the invasion, Greco planned only to slow it for a time. Some historians have speculated that he strongly desired for him nation to be annexed by the Americans, but knew that to openly do so surely meant upheaval and civil war.
[edit] Western Campaign
Ridgely's forces were deployed on Aug. 18, 2362. They numbered 60,000 infantry, a unique cavalry division of 20,000 mounted on panda bears. The army was armed primarily with the hybrid sword-rifle with secondary rubber band pistols at their sides. Opposing his army was Gen. Shaquille O'Neal's army, standing only about 25,000 strong with only 1,000 cavalry, confined to tricycles. However, poor tactics and terrific defensive stands managed to stem the tide of the invading Americans at least long enough for Ljubino to do significant damage on the eastern front.
[edit] Battle of Cahul
The first meeting of the two armies came in the city of Cahul. Ridgely's panda cavalry reported that O'Neal's forces had split just south of Cahul. Ridgely planned to bypass the city completely, flanking O'Neal's forces and driving straight to Chisinau. So, he split his forces down the middle and attempted to march around the city. However, O'Neal had set up a series of complex illusions with the aide of some mercenaries, the Thundercats, which actually guided the army straight to Cahul. O'Neal's plan backfired, as the army, though mildly surprised, still had his army overwhelmed. The two armies met near dawn on Sep. 26, 2362. O'Neal attempted to fall back to the city in a horseshoe shaped pattern, and this battle plan reminded the young general of Lucky Charms the breakfast cereal, and he briefly abandoned combat in order to have some. Without his leadership, Ridgely exploited a weakness in the lines and clove O'Neal's forces plainly in half. When O'Neal returned, he promptly attempted to summon forest creatures to fight along his side, and had some degree of success, forcing the American army to the outskirts of town for the remainder of the day. Ridgely counterattacked the following day, launching a series of vending machines into Cahul from catapults. This sent O'Neal's forces into chaos and the army began to retreat from the town. The Americans suffered fewer casualties, with estimates at 250 dead and wounded. The Moldovans did much worse, estimates at 1,800 dead and wounded.
[edit] 1st Battle of Cokvew
As O'Neal retreated, Ridgely again divided his forces between his corps commanders to pursue. The eastern corp under E.L. Fudge fell temptation to a Bruce Lee marathon on television and was detained for a time. Being smaller, O'Neals army had time to find a nice defensive position and set themselves up at it. They set up at Cokvew: one of the principal cities along the Chisinau Pike, an area they knew Ridgely would have to go to get to the capital. Ridgely and his western corp commander, James Buchanan both met at the spot on Oct. 2, 2362, but poorly organized attempted to charge up the deadly slope to O'Neal's army. It was here that O'Neal made his greatest defensive stand. His army profoundly repulsed Ridgely, dealing heavy damages to his fractured army. Ridgely remained fighting much longer than he should have, refusing to retreat for two days, until nearly half his army had been decimated. At last, he backed off, waiting for his eastern corp to return before attacking again. Estiamtes for this battle range from 11,000-20,000 Americans dead or wounded and under 600 Moldovans killed or wounded.
[edit] 2nd Battle of Cokvew
Ridgely's second attempt to take Cokvew went much better. His detained army corp returned near Christmas 2363 on Dec. 23. As it turned out, the Bruce Lee marathon had been followed up with Animal House, a series of great episodes of M*A*S*H and a period of hibernation that no one has yet been able to explain. Ridgely surrounded the army and marched into Cokvew on all sides. Knowing they would have to break through or surrender, O'Neal fought stedfastly against the northern corp and fought through, again engaging in a retreat. The casualties were minimal for both sides, but the roadblock at Cokvew was displaced.
[edit] Battle of Beaver Creek
Ridgely's pursuit was again slow and difficult. It took him a long two honths to catch up with O'Neal and finally caught him as O'Neal slowly forded Beaver Creek on Feb. 26, 2363. Here, Ridgely again attempted to fan out and surround O'Neal's forces with Fudge's forces attempting to employ the kung-fu maneuvers they had gathered watching the endless Bruce Lee films. However, O'Neal countered this with a small, unknown offensive technique known as "Shaq-Fu." He used this unbelievable power to press past the forces at Beaver Creek and continue to retreat until a better defensive position could be found.
[edit] Eastern Campaign
Adm. Young landed at the mouth of the river Sept. 17, 2362 with 50,000 men. He initially engaged the forces of Gen. Ljubino which numbered only 40,000 men, but had a difficult time getting past the general. As he slowly beat him back , he grew near Ridgely and the two met up at the Battle of Tiraspol, where the Moldovan Army for all intents and purposes fell.
[edit] Consequences
Moldova was annexed formally in the Treaty of Halifax, signed by Greco II and Adm. Young on Jul. 30, 2364. Moldova was forced to concede a considerable amount to the Americans: principally sovreignty, goods, prositutes, cigars, Beatles memorabilia, their collective left nuts and a pint of virgin blood. While one would think this would have decimated the Moldovan economy and ability to procreate, this was not the case. The exports of Moldova (sand, dirt and rocks) sold incredibly well on the world market as buyers scrambled to gather memorabilia from the brief war.
Greco II was kept as a puppet leader in Chisinau, but still instituted many of the reforms he had planned to before the war. The war was expected to dictate the tempo of American foreign policy during the Lewis era, but did not. Americans got easy access to the may exports of Moldova, such as clay, sand and rocks.
