Monash University
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“Way too many lefties.”
~ Karl Marx on Monash University
“Fuck this place is windy!”
~ Everybody on Monash University
| Monash University | |
| |
| Do not feed the long-beaked birds. | |
| Motto | Ancora imparo ("I didn't get into Melbourne Uni") |
| Established | 1958 |
| |
| School type | Public |
| President | ??? |
| Location | Clayton, Victoria, Australia |
| Campus | Suburban with lots of trees |
| Enrollment | 39,000, 16,000 postmen |
| Endowment | ??? |
| Faculty | LOL, All your base, Winner |
| Mascot | Lara Bingle |
Monash University is Australia's largest University by student population, with over 20 Australian students (plus the 120,000 Indian minority). The university is one of Australia's and in fact the world's most prestegious education institutions.
In Australia it ranks highly, only coming behind Melbourne Uni, ANU, University of Sydney, University of Queensland, UWA, USA, Uni Adeleide and most of the primary schools in Darwin. The university boasts that over half of its professors have completed high school and almost a quarter of graduates find employment in their first year out of uni (and in some cases have actually found employment outside of the fast food industry).
The university motto is Ancora imparo, Latin for "I didn't get into Melbourne Uni"; the motto holds relevance to the views of all Monash students.
Contents |
[edit] History
Monash University is a commissioned Victorian university. The university was commissioned by parliament to boost the falling sales of beer and prostitution. It was built and designed by a prominent group of Melbourne University dropouts in 1956, including Batman and Sir John Monash.
Construction began on the new university, with many one eyed and uncoordinated Melbourne Uni architects designing the famed Robert Menzies building or Arts and Humanities, which was praised for its soviet bloc inspired design and the fact that it was made purely from asbestos. The famous building has inspired architects all around the world on how not to make a building.
The university has since fallen in world ranking to an all time low of 568th (just one ahead of Harvard).
Monash Uni promotes that it is strong in other areas, including the highest number of enrolled monkeys in undergraduate courses and as the university with the highest amount of asbestos.
[edit] Faculties
- Art and Design
- Department of Graffiti
- Department of Photoshop Abusing
- Department of Scrapbooks, Paint and Carbon Monoxide
- Arts
- School of Pornography Appreciation
- School of History and How To Rewrite It
- School of Centrelink
- School of Languages Other Than English
- School of Blowing (Instruments)
- School of Philosophy, Trivial Pursuit and Jeopardy
- School of.....Um.....I Dunno.....
- Business & Economics
- Department of Economics and tax fraud
- Department of Management and pimping
- Department of Marketing and drug dealing
- Department of Soulless, Exploitative Capitalism
- Engineering
- Department of Social Skills for Engineers
- Female Conversation for Engineers
- Information Technology
- School of P2P
- School of World of Warcraft
- School of Counterstrike
- School of Wikipediology
- School of Perpetual Virginity
- Law
- The Schapelle Corby "I'm Innocent" School of Law
- School of Self-Appreciation.
- Science
- School of Mathematics and card counting
- School of chemistry and backyard speed laboratories
- Medicine and Health Sciences
- School of Medicine and Arrogance
- School of Biomedical Science and GAMSAT studies
- School of Annorexia and nutrition studies
- School of Psychology and other fake sciences
- School of Anatomy and finding the G-spot
- Gippsland School of Medicine aka Who School of Medicine named after its first dean, Dr. Who
[edit] Student Life
Monash is well known as having an extremely political student body. Political views on campus range from the left to the far left. Students at Monash are well known for their numerous protests, most famously a week long protest in 1975 calling for an Australian retreat from World War II (despite the war ending many decades earlier), a 1985 protest to give monkeys the right to vote in elections and a petition and letter writing campaign in 1992 against the assassination of Julius Casear.
Monash is well known for its abundance of alcohol on campus - despite not yet having its own library, there are 12 pubs on campus. Outrage was caused in 2004 however when students were only allowed to bring 2 bottles of spirits and 1 slab of beer into exams. A compromise was settled between the student union and the faculty, where it was decided drinking contests could now be graded and used as credit to students' exit score.
[edit] Notable Alumni
- David Boon, obtained a PhD for his research on the effect of drinking 40 VB's on a flight from Sydney to London
- Peter Costello, current leader of Family First and the Prime Minister of Australia, never received a Monash degree but worked for many years on the campus as a janitor
- Mark Latham, former leader of the Australian Communist Party, was awarded a Masters of Economics degree by beating then vice-chancellor Paul Hogan in an arm wrestling match
- Rob Norris, (brother of Chuck Norris,) Dean of Science, is responsible for Monash's many scientific breakthroughs, including the discovery of magnetic monopoles after his brother roundhouse kicked the synchrotron next door
- Shane Warne gained a Doctorate of Understanding Women from the Sam Newman Faculty of High Society at Monash University
[edit] Wind problem
One particularly embarrassing problem associated with the university has to do with the fact that there is generally a constant declaration of a category 4 hurricane on the Clayton campus, more specifically directly over the Robert Menzies building. Some have pointed this paculiarity out as damning evidence for artifitial global warming perpetrated by the noxious gases and smoke emanating from the weed being smoked by the arts students. Others believe it's a conspiracy, claiming to have seen bubbles being created using this wind power for evil (see below). Then again, it's the art students who believe this.
In either case, the wind problem has been a "fucking annoyance" for all since the construction of the Menzies, and the on-campus students who must deal with this every time they come even near the area are surely planning sweet revenge on the Melbourne Uni architechs who designed it.
[edit] Fun facts:
- Only
4243 fatalities caused by the wind problem since records began (a week ago) - BBQs held in front of the Menzies building draw more people since the lovely smell of sizzling minced cow and sheep testicles in an edible condom (finely coated with the Menzies' asbestos dust) are carried further by the wind; this increases wind fatalities, however
- They named it Hurricane Macmuffin for reasons unknown; then again, it's the art students who named it
- The word "tuple" and its associated forms are now officially prohibited from use at the Berwick Campus - if in doubt, check with security...
- Fruit salad has been known to kill a number of tutors and lectures at the Berwick Campus with associated chicken noises.
[edit] Monash Students Association
There are approximately 120,020 students at the university, represented by the Monash Students Association. The MSA is considered the most extreme left wing student union in the country, however the student union has replied to these accusation's as "typical Liberal party crap".
The MSA has come under criticism for promoting extremist viewpoints, on and off campus. This includes spending the majority of its budget to try and elect David Hicks as Prime Minister of Australia. The women's room has also come under critisism, like many universities with a dedicated women's room; many have asked why not a mens room as well? However the union has come under more criticism for the Gay Albino's room, lesbian monkey room and alcoholic poltergeist support group. Professor Snuggles is known to be a defender for the lesbian monkey room.
The union is currently involved in the fight for land rights for gay whales.
[edit] Uni's stance on bubbles
With the rise of bubbles predicted to take over the world, and Monash Uni being the central hub for the new cult-like religion of Bubblology - centered around the infamous prophecy scrawled mysteriously across the back of a desk in lecture theatre S5 - there had been calls for the Vice-Chancellor/President to clarify the uni's stance on bubbles. Because no-one knows who or where this Vice-Chancellor/President is, there has been no word on the issue.
That said, it is known that Professor Snuggles has been quite a vocal advocate for the Bubblologists, who are interested in seeing the resurrection of Super Bubble level 2 by super-intelligent bubbles to create the world-dominating Super Bubble level 4. As super-intelligent bubbles has not yet evolved, scary genetic experiments are being carried out to push forward this scenario.
When asked why he supported Bubblology, Prof. Snuggles smiled and jumped about excitedly, pointing to a picture of his close brother who was named Bubbles.
[edit] Campuses
Monash has many campuses in the state of Victoria besides its Clayton Campus (which is the coolest one, of course), including
- Berwick - famous for their weather control programme and accountancy
- Gippsland - with excellent bogan studies programme as part of the universally desired Bachelor of Arts
- Peninsula - that has no programmes because no one knows where it is, which makes it the likely candidate of where the elusive Vice-chancellow/President resides
- Caulfield - Wait, there's a campus at Caulfield?
Monash University prides itself on slowly taking over the world by inserting campuses in all the major hubs of the world including South Africa, Malaysia, and Italy. It is rumoured that Antarctica may be next on the list, followed by Middle-Earth. This is unlikely since Antarctica is so cold.
