Monica Lewinsky
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“Someone had sex with that woman”
~ Captain Obvious on Monica Lewinsky
“Yes, I did blow the president, but I didn't inhale”
~ Monica Lewinsky on Blowjobs
Also known as Monica Blowminsky, she's an all-purpose device originally installed in the White House by then-President Bill Clinton. Deliberately chosen for its plainness, the Monica Lewinsky once in use in the Oval (not "Oral") Office (not "Orifice") nevertheless became famous and had to be discarded.
Among other functions, Monica was:
- A convenient container in which to store cigars to keep them moist
- A fast-acting oral stimulant
- Multi-functional vacuum-cleaner
- A handy tissue substitute
- A good role model for future interns in the White House
- Jewish
Monica, through the eyes of Clint' when he was sober, and drunk, and dead, and during the revolt of 167903 AQU.
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[edit] History
Monica originated from a small town known as Mount Wacketoff off the coast of eastern Africa. She was found floating in the swangathang river riding on a dead moose. No one is quite sure of her true origins, but we do know that she was found by some tropical Priests known for their "cross" dressing and wild drinking parties down in Tijuana. The girl was raised by several Catholic clans, migrantly working on her knees in the old churches of Nova Scotia and sucking wine off of boots for sustinence, like a good choir girl should. At the age of 17, Monica fell in love with the notorious owl king, Ross Perot, who drew many diagrams of her hot juicy genitalia. Shunned by their fellow tribesmen, the couple fled to the United States on a Federal Express cargo plane scheduled to land sideways in Reagan International Airport. While in Washington, Perot embarked on an ambitious cursus honorem, secretly stabbing people hoping to one day repp his wild owls into the Congressional crib of skulls and death. Monica infiltrated the White House, working several desk jobs, floor jobs,....flip to page 34 of the Starr Report for the rest of the story.
[edit] Monica Lewinsky and The War Against Terrorism
A brief timeline:
- Monica Samille Lewinsky was born a Jew on July 23, 1973 (And we all know how they feel about Jews)
- News suggesting Monica Lewinsky fellated then American president, Bill Clinton came to surface on January 17, 1998 (And we all know how they feel about fellatio, American presidents and Jews)
- Bill Clinton employs the three rules of politics, “Deny, Deny, Deny!” in a January 26, 1998 press conference. (And we all know how they feel about denial)
- Osama Bin Laden declares a holy jihad war on the United States of America in a January 27, 1998 press conference. (And we all know the rest)
[edit] Honors and other Gossip
In 1996 by act of Congress, Monica Lewinsky was elevated to the position of National Whore. At the time, she claimed it was the greatest honor of her life and pledged to use the power of her office to improve the lives of children. Since then, the position has been filled by Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, Angelina Jolie, and several others. None, however, have had the stature of Monica Lewinsky.
After her demise, the cigar industry introduced a new brand which was appropriately named in her honor. It was called the MonicaNudo.
Arkansas Gubernator Mike Huckabee is believed to yearn hourly for Ms Lewinsky, and to have a cosmos-wide jealousy for Kodos/Bill Clinton. It is well known that he sent the Arkansas state police on a quest to find the object of his lusts, but to no avail.
[edit] Filmography
Monica had a guest appearance on the popular television show CSI: Bungie as State Attorney Monica Lewinsky.
[edit] Death
Following the Magic 8-Ball's advice on food, she was killed when a sloppily prepared batch of chocolate ice cream gave her acute food poisoning. Her last words were enscribed on her headstone, as per the device's EULA, and were: "Today is a good day to fly."
[edit] Did You Know...
- Lewinsky briefly dated Bill Gates while seeing Clinton (she was later offered the lead in Steven Spielberg's Saving Hooker Ryan, a film based on this short fling). [1]
[edit] References
- ↑ Monica Lewinski's hacked Homemail account. Homemail.com (1999-10-12).
