Monotheism

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“Thank God I'm not a monotheist!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Monotheism

For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Monotheism.

Monotheism is the belief in one god. It is not the belief in two or more gods, because then everybody would have to pick favorites and make all this fuss about who's god is better than who's. It is, furthermore, not a socially questionable disease, as some have implied, nor is it a tightwad form of matrimony (although some would argue with that last point).

[edit] Early Monotheism

Call him whatever you want to. He still doesn't like you.

Many believe that monotheism was in fact created by God, though it should be known that only monotheists think this way and anyone who dares believe different is a pagan. In an ingenious fashion, God put the prefix "mono-" (meaning "one") with "the" (meaning "it") and -ism (meaning "is"), making monotheism literally mean "One it is!".

The first monotheists were allegedly the Jews. (This allegation had been made by the worshipers of Binka, who didn't want to be blamed for starting it. You don't know Binka. The Jews thought he was an "idol".) They ripped their idea off of polytheism by claiming that the gods had been really bored lately and had hosted a giant tournament to fight each other to the death until only one remained. Amazingly, the god named Yahweh won despite going against the heavily favored Zeus in the final round by using his 10-hit combo move he dubbed "The Ten Commandments".

[edit] Christianity

It wasn't long until a pack of Jews claimed that the messiah ("the cheesy one") had finally come and his name was Jesus Christ or Menachem Schneerson. Some other Jews claimed that he wasn't, but instead just a really nice man kind of like Santa. The followers of Christ were so appalled that they decided to break off into their own religion called Christianity and rename Yahweh into something better - God. The Christians decided to write their own book, "The Bible", which became an instant bestseller. This attracted a lot of famous celebrities to endorse Christianity and pretty soon it was sweeping the whole world.

[edit] Islam

Read the above paragraph, but this time replace "Jesus Christ" with "Muhammed", "Christianity" with "Islam", "God" with "Allah", and "The Bible" with "Qur'an". Though, to be honest, the Qur'an never reached the popularity that The Bible did because people couldn't accurately spell it correctly.

[edit] Baha'i

This religion was founded because someone (named the "Baby" or "Baby Allah") was playing video games in the mosque and had the High Score. He thought he'd found God and started a religion based on the fact that he won a video game. The Muslims of Iran didn't like that so they ran him out of town, and so he went to Israel because that's where the video games were in the area. And so Baha'i built its first synagogue, because they couldn't figure out what else to build with all the Jews around.