Montana

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THE CONFEDERACY APPROVES!

Thank you for supporting our cause, brave soldiers of patriotism. Whites everywhere can rest easy knowing the liberal threat to our race is being fought valiantly, theocracy and the GOP live on, and we have instituted our plantation in Congress. Montana hicks do not exist. Montana does not exist.

State Flower:	Meth
Official Language:	Redneck
Governor:	Hannah Montana the First Whore
State Bird:	White Power
State Motto:	LONG LIVE THE CONFEDERACY!!!!
State Anime:	Hentai
Nickname:	America's Asshole
State Capitol:	Hannah, Montana
State Anthem:	Montana (F. Zappa)
Standard MPH while driving through town:	∞
State Club:	God's Fairy Tale Suck Ass Club
Official Sandwich:	Shit Sandwich

Montana is a fictional US state named for footballer Joe Montana, who purchased it from the Cleveland Indians for $1 in 1976. Prior to that, the state had been owned by the Great Northern and Northern Pacific Railroads, the Anaconda Copper Company, the Minnesota Twins, and the Minnesota Vikings. However, Great Northern and Northern Pacific didn't want to have to share it, so they merged to form Burlington Northern, now Burlington Northern Santa Fe, also known as "Bin Nothin' Since San Francisco". With a population of 19,000, and a population density of around 2 people/square mile, it will, fortunately or unfortunately, reach 20,000 people by the 5010 census. It should be noted that the population density of cattle in Montana is around 500/square mile and that for sheep, 234/square mile, meaning that Welsh and New Zealanders like it a lot. The capital of Montana is Hellhole. It is a home of MONGO.

In the early seventies (or maybe, the late sixties), entrepreneur Frank Zappa, later reincarnated as Donald Trump, had plans to establish a dental floss plantation in Eastern Montana and moving the entire state to the Southern United States for the cheap labor, but somehow was unable to pull it off; adequate wax supplies were not available since Montana has relatively few oil reserves, and the public was simply not ready for a dental floss product coated in wax made of cooper, wheat chaff, or cattle and sheep byproducts.

The Big Montana.

Is Montana somewhere in here?... nobody knows....

Montana has also been home to the Unabomber and a group of crazy rifle-toting rednecks (aka white freedom fighters) known as the "Enslaved and Rejected Brickmasons" who wanted to establish an independent Republican, uh REDNECK utopia on desert-like land near Jordan (in Montana, not the Middle-East, but the country around this part of Montana damn sure looks like it COULD be in the Middle East). David Koresh considered relocating to Montana, but found it, "like, too crazy, man" so he and his followers stayed in Texas, a fact that reveals all you really need to know about Montana. Elizabeth Clare Prophet, who would have founded Scientology if L. Ron Hubbard hadn't thought of it first, found the state quite to her liking, however.

1 Politics
2 Major Towns
3 Notable People From Montana
4 See also

[edit] Politics

Up until 2007, one of Montana's two senators was an old dude named Conrad Burns, who is, obviously, a Republican. While he denies all connection to the above-mentioned Brickmasons, Burns first came to prominence as an agribusiness reporter, which means he whined on the radio every morning about how the farmers were getting screwed by low crop prices. He also owned most of the radio stations, so no one could stop him, not that anyone really wanted to. Since 95% of the state's population are farmers, an always-successful campaign strategy, if one is running for office in Montana, is to whine about low crop prices. Once in office, Burns made many friends by trying to strip Native Americans of their few remaining rights; while this proved popular with the majority population, who are white people as well as with the state's 35 Hispanics, and even with the state's seventeen African-American residents, the electorate eventually grew tired of Burns, especially after he referred to the state's one Arab-American as a "rag-head" and called the population of Washington D.C. "a bunch of n*ggers." None of this would have upset most Montanans too much, except, what with the Unabomber and the Brickmasons and all, it made the state look bad and tourists were threatening to boycott, which would have been an economic disaster, since crop prices were, as always, too low. Further, it also turns out that Burns had connections with corrupt and convicted lobbyist Jack Abramhoff. In the general election of 2006, Burns was defeated for reelection by (organic) farmer (what else?) Jon Tester, a guy TV pundit Jon Stewart calls "literally level-headed" since he, Tester, chronically wears a flattop haircut. While Tester clearly won, his margin of victory was extremely narrow, giving Burns an excuse to wait several days before conceding defeat. In his concession statement, Burns said, "We fought the good fight but came up just a little short. I am proud of my record." What "record" Burns was referring to was not immediately clear: an unknown recording, perhaps, or a prison record? He obviously could not have been referring to his record as Senator. It eventually transpired that he meant his post-slavery world record for most racial slurs in one sentence, set in 2005 with a little help from his friends.

The current governor of Montana is, surprisingly, a Democrat, but one who is against gun control. He defeated the Republican incumbent, a woman named Judy Martz, who, among other things, stated publicly that she, indeed, was a "lapdog of industry" and darn proud of it too. Like most contemporary Republicans and virtually all white Montanans, she and Burns are both card-carrying members of the Kenny Kuhn Klan, a super-secret political organisation (see gang, organised crime) founded by oppressed rich white males (See good ole boys) in the American South after the Civil War.

For much of its history, Montana had no speed limit. This, combined with no statewide open container law and very long, empty two-lane highways, saw drunk drivers often speeding over great distances at 113 mph in Ford F150 pickups, especially over black ice in Winter, shooting rifles into the air and shooting, "Charlton Heston is MY President." Some sociologists use this fact to help explain Montana's perpetually low population. Much of this has changed, however, since guys like Ted Turner, Tom Brokaw and David Letterman have started buying ranches in Montana to use as vacation hideaways; for some reason, these guys are not amused by rednecks driving drunk at high speeds while simultaneously firing high-powered rifles. The locals, for their part, are quite unhappy at the presence of these "goddamn liberals" and their opinions on such matters: "What'll be next, gay marriage?"

Speaking of which, Montana is fundamentally a place where "men are men, women are scarce, and sheep are nervous."

[edit] Major Towns

Helena - Population 7
Great Falls - Population 2
Billings - Population 21
Bozeman (the nasty)- Population whatever 5th street says is ok
Hell - Population 7,239
LoL City - Population 1
Butte - Population .123223434545545454554344343432342342342343424324324432234