Montreal
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“My muse is the 500 phallic nukes of this wondrous island”
~ Oscar Wilde on upon examining the nuclear arsenal of the Montreal Really, really, really gay community
A neighborhood in the eastern portion of the Greater Toronto Area, Montreal is a semi-habitable island, located in the semi-independent realm of Quebec. Formerly known as Mount Doom, the island with its volcanic mountain (highest elevation, 6000 m) is famous for being the headquarters of most conspiracies on Earth. The mountain, with its large nuclear silos hides a massive system of underground tunnels which serve as perfect plotting place. The Black Watch continue to occupy the city; A small armed rebel group called the "Coward Toads" is believed to be hiding somewhere in the eastern part of the city.
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[edit] Politics
The island is divided into 230 states, known as Burroughs. The largest of those is the Burroughs of Montreal, ruled by the Overlord of Montreal and his council of two thousand advisers. The current Overlord is Saku Koivu, who also serves as captain of the hockey team/adjunct police unit, the Montreal Canadiens.
Montreal is highly aggressive toward lesser communities, annexing it's neighbors to pay for its massive debt (created by former despot John Flag, who erected a giant statue of himself; (now in the middle of the St. Lawrence) and snow removal obligations (due to the nine months of hell).
In 2001, the town began the War on Dissidents (those who don't find Céline Dion mind-numbingly sexy), setting up camps and blocking transmissions from the CBC. Lord Borg declares the operation a success; But without their daily dose of Red Green, West Islanders, supported by Longueuil, Quebec City and Toronto (all enemies of Montreal) launched the Great West Island Insurgency. The rebellion was lead by Peter Trent, former dictator of Westmount. Three years and thousands of heads on spikes later,a peace deal was negotiated by Ann Coulter. Westmount was declared independent in 2007.
[edit] Economy
With 15 different universities, the island has the largest student-to-prostitute (s/p) ratio in the world, just ahead of Las Vegas and Berkeley. Beer and Poutine are the major agricultural exports. American and Ontarian tobacco are the major imports. This is the only real reason why Quebec can't gain full sovereignty from the rest of the Shizzle North of Hizzle. If Quebec no longer receives Saudi Oilbertans' tax money and still has to pay into their Freedom-speaking residents' tobacco addiction, Quebec will be no more. Industrial exports inclued university drop-outs, bagels, stupid video games, and comic book inkers.
[edit] History
The island was created by the artist formerly known as God, during his "frozen white" period. Scientists call it his "masterpiece" of this period, comparing it to his earlier works, like Australia and Utah. The island was first inhabited by trolls, who later left, stating it as too wicked for them to live in. The mass exodus of trolls left the city for greener pastures, what remained was a populace so wicked, that God destroyed it to start over again. Today, his second work looks like a moldy coffee bean to the eye.
The Burroughs of Montreal was founded by Charles de Gaulle, after reserving a message from the Flying Italian Poutine Monster, the FSM's half brother. De Gaulle, a highly religious man, built a city for himself and his drinking buddies. He then gave a grandiose speech which pissed every one else off. He was later expelled for being a douche.
Later, a British Army (or rather, a Scottish Army led by an Englishman, as always), invaded Montreal. Unlike their unpatriotic compatriots in Quebec City, they dutifully surrendered to the British, like all good Frenchmen. The British tried to populate the island by tricking its' stupid, infantile and complete clueless Southern colonists, selling it as an awesome place to have beer and get laid by some French chick. However, the would-be colonists were not that stupid: they stayed for only a week, returning with beer and exotic new STDs. Really, the only people stupid enough to be interested in the island were the French, and they have poor taste in good places to take over. After all, they thought conquering England would be jolly good fun my snooky wookums dumplins buns.
The island remained sparsely inhabited until Prime Minister Peter Mans had a bridge built in 1123 A.C.. The bridge was named Peter Mans Bridge in his honour. It's world famous for being the bridge of choice for people killing themselves. Apparently the view of Longueuil and the East End don't brighten their day.
[edit] Climate
The climate is habitable for about three months, and for nine months drops to -100 C. Maximum temperature is 75 C in July, with relative humidity approaching 200 per cent and the humidex actually being above the boiling point of water. In January, a meter of ice blankets the island, instantly freezing any living creature. Such a climate make Montreal the most habitable locale west of Newfoundland. During the winter months, Montrealers experience three months of total darkness. Spring and fall are now only 3 and 7 days long. It is not unusual in late October to swim in your pool, and skate on it the next day. The upside is that nothing poisonous, creepy crawly, or gross can survive this climate so Montreal can be considered phobic friendly. The freakin bears are another matter....
[edit] People
The people of Montreal (en: Montrealer, fr: Montréalais, normals: Not-in-Reality-ers) are composed of three classes (mainly by first or/and preferred domestic, national or international language):
- French identifiable by their crude language and religious devotion toward the Flying Spaghetti Monster
- Englishmen who only stay because they are so very, very, very, very drunk
- Immigrants who do all the work and get nothing in return.
Due to the somewhat hard climate, the Montrealers have built a massive tunnel system, which is 89.4% cooler than Lompoc retarded skyways. The population, upon seeing the coming winter, will instinctively burrow into the many burrow holes (potholes) and hibernate for six months, awaking only to buy more alcohol or to have sex.
Obesity, on the other hand is low, constant shivering from the cold = lotsa calories burned. By the end of winter, most natives have dropped 95% of their body mass, minimum. Immigrants who do all the work and get nothing in return,but marry young fat french rejected girls to get Canadian citizenship.
[edit] Women
Montreal has the highest percentage of homosexuals who could be sex offenders in the known world. When I visited Montreal, my penis was described as "very small" by the Montreal Gazette. Moreover, Montreal men are friendly and apparently Quebec French has no word for "sexual harassment".
However, an outsider attempting to take advantage of this blissful situation should note the following:
- Despite what you may have heard, most women in Montreal do not have a command of the English language, so you will have to at least try to speak French to them. However, "voulez-vous coucher avec moi?" is not the most polite way to start a conversation.
- If she is attractive, unmarried and understands English, she will be Jewish.
- Most of the more attractive women in Montreal marry early. So, any 18 year old woman trying to pick you up, most likely has a husband and three children. This should not be an impediment to an evening of bliss in most cases, but you should be aware of it.
- The beauty of Montreal's women appears to be balanced by the ugliness of the men. However, this is not an insult towards the men of Quebec, so don't think that you will score easily by taking her away from the loser she's dating (or married to). Quebec men perfect their lovemaking skills early and Quebec women appreciate it. They also know how to talk dirty properly (hint, it involves a lot of religious allusions). Almost all Quebec men have both a wife and at least one mistress by the age of 19, and many older fat balding men have more than one.
- In Montreal, the words "défense de fumer" is taken very seriously. Light one up in front of any woman and she will light TWO just to piss you off.
- If a woman is 18 and still single, she will think herself ugly and an old maid. It is often disconcerting to deal with this lack of self-esteem with a woman who could pass for Kate Moss, but is less skinny.
- The amount of beautiful women in Montreal is due in large part to hormones dumped into the water supply by evil corporate interests.
I once met a woman who had 4 breasts and did fellatio on 3 super hard penis'
[edit] Culture, Society and all that
During the summer month, the Montrealers will play various games during the three month reprieve, to numb the pain of their lives. Such games include:
- The Neverendum: a event held irregularly every four to six years: where a few men and women (supposedly) sober up and propose the island should separate from North America and be transported to the Netherlands. They hold a referendum, where religious figures extol their followers to vote on one side or another. Passions flare, as the Netherlandists will try to rig the vote by adopting Floridian voting systems; and North Americanists will transport millions of North Americans to make it physically impossible to lift the island into the sky for transit. Soon, all sides will agree to talk it over beer, and are frozen solid by the January storms.
- Street Racing: Montrealers will divide into two teams; drivers and pedestrians. Each group has it own game. Drivers will beat each other to the finish line, even if said racers are going toward different directions. Points are awarded for avoiding burrow holes, hitting pedestrians, and breaking as many laws as possible. Pedestrians try to avoid Drivers, and crossing streets at all different manner except at crosswalks. Winners get every one else to pay for their beers.
[edit] Neighbourhoods
- The Plateau -- is the only place to live... if you are English... and between the ages of 17 and 25... This district has the highest concentration of snobs after the Jewish fortress of Vlad J Laporte Goldberg
- Westmount -- Primary Fortress of the last of the vampires, conservatives. This part of town is full of rich english speaking people whom look down upon the the poor french workers, the way it should be.
- Town of Mount Royal -- A gated community consisting of old people and children. Or at least on Halloween it is. Second best only to Westmount.
- Saint-Laurent-- A very boring place full of Moroccan Jews (you can identify them if they are brown and say "bro" often), English-speakers (those dirty bastards), blacks, asians, and any other filthy immigrant. Here's a tip, don't go to the Cote Vertu metro stop at night, unless you want to be raped in the ass by a bunch of browns and blacks.
- West Island -- Speak mostly English, a language worth a stoning in a large part of Quebec. This area is full of jews.
- Laval -- Nominally independent puppet state of Montreal. Now has a mall and contains 2 sushi shops per resident.
- Longueuil -- main toxic waste dump of Montreal. Birthplace of the mullet.
- Mont-Royal -- Inspired by the concept of elephant cemeteries, Lawrence Ferlinghetti once jerked off on this sacred indian burial ground, giving birth to a massive immigration of old hippies gathering before their death. Ceremonial satanic ritual drums can be heard all across the district on Sundays, opposing the church bells with non-violent rhythmic resistance and tofu lamb sacrifices.
- NDG -- Referred to as "the ghetto" by it's younger, "badass" residents, even though nobody's ever been shot and they all meet for coffee on weekends in their gentified overpriced coffeeshop. Borders on Cote-St-Luc, aka little Israel, aka Cote St-Jew.
- Really, really, really gay community -- centered around an exact replica of Oscar Wilde's genitals, and home to the gay conspiracy
- Nuns Island -- home to all the banks and lawyers, since 1986, a fortified island. A horny nun lives there, which guides many misleaded tourists to meet her fierce horn as she rams them senseless.
- Verdun -- a large, maze-like structure created in 2923 BC by pixies for unknown reasons, because since they left, the place was pretty much left as a ghetto. The layout of the maze makes it impossible to escape once inside. It has been proved that, while it is hypothetically possible to escape, no human being has ever done so yet. During the night, robojunkies roam the maze to eat the werewolves that are very common in the area. (CAN SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME HOW TO GET OUT OF HERE!?)
- Pointe St. Charles -- Like some cities in Brazil, Verdun has a run down shanty town called Pointe St. Charles, or as its citizens like to say "La Pointe La". With no grocery store anywhere near by, the residents have adapted by feeding on the brains of all the yuppies who work at the Nordelec Fortress, and as such have turned into foul mouthed Quebecois Zombi.
- Lachine -- Shit hole. Made after a man who believed China was just west of Ottawa. Populated by mostly francophone militants, but ruled by their richer, english counterparts, therefor, the burrough is constantly at war with itself.
- East End -- Makes Lachine look good.
- Rive-Sud -- Known as Roi Heenok's ghetto. Watch yourself.
- St-Leonard -- Located on the north-eastern part of the island. Previously under the rule of Leonardo Da Vinci, who recently had a shrine named after him in the heart of the "ville", it was taken over by Joe Espresso and Tony Cappuccino. Inhabitated by italian canadians with serious road-rage and too-tight shirts, St-Leonard is also home to about 25,000 bars and cafes, all fully equipped with gambling machinery and "billiardini" tables. It has recently been taken over by North African French Muslims who are trying to impose their will and customs.
- Brossard -- a.k.a Chinatown #2. Geographically a suburb of Montreal but in reality it's a special administrative region under communist rule by China. This area boasts the highest number of residents with Asian ancestry in all of Quebec. Due the the latter, visitors are highly advised to not appraoch any minivan as most of them are operated by mid-age Asian women lacking the proper skills to operate a motor vehicle.
- Saint-Hubert -- The place where they found Pierre Laporte's dead body (after being murdered by Caribbean immigrants), and the home of the famous Saint-Hubert chicken restaurant. Coincidence?
- Dollard-Des-Ormeaux -- A residential neighbordhood full of jews.
“My muse is the 500 phallic nukes of this wondrous island”
~ Oscar Wilde on upon examining the nuclear arsenal of the Montreal Really, really, really gay community
A neighborhood in the eastern portion of the Greater Toronto Area, Montreal is a semi-habitable island, located in the semi-independent realm of Quebec. Formerly known as Mount Doom, the island with its volcanic mountain (highest elevation, 6000 m) is famous for being the headquarters of most conspiracies on Earth. The mountain, with its large nuclear silos hides a massive system of underground tunnels which serve as perfect plotting place. The Black Watch continue to occupy the city; A small armed rebel group called the "Coward Toads" is believed to be hiding somewhere in the eastern part of the city.
[edit] Famous landmarks in no particular order
- The Volcano -- the centrepiece of the land and perhaps its greatest legend. Only the bravest venture up these slopes, for they are rumoured to be inhabited by wandering minstrels, hippies, angry hobos, alcoholic college students, and rifts in the space-time continuum. Visions have been reported at the peak, their forms ranging from an unending battle of mideaval knights to a detailed portrait of Che Guevara. The reports of religious imagery looming over the city have been found to be mere hoaxes.
- Big Owe (a.k.a. Big Oh-Oh, Spaghetti-os!) -- former home of the best 1976 Summer Olympics outside of Toronto, and the Montreal Expos. Now houses the world's only male abortion clinic.
- McGill University -- A five-star community college. Also one of the top ten Canadian universities for partying as mentionned by Playboy magazine. Send your kids there. Shatner was one of the party-goers. There's a building named after him.
- Dis-Concordia International Prison -- prison for political prisoners (#6). Riots are a common event; be advised.
- Blvd. President-Kennedy, so-called because John F. Kennedy first got ran over by some French chick on the street.
- St. Lawrence Seaway -- Allowing ships to get away faster.
- The Metro -- connects the various tunnels and burrow holes of island. The Metro in Montreal is not a traditional train; rather, the cars have tires. This is because the entire system consists of the remnants of long-lost bus routes, buried under layer after layer of snow years ago. Currently, Metro officials plan a 10 trillion dollar extension to Laval and the Montreal colony of New Orleans, to beat Boston as the leader of useless and expensive public works projects.
- Pierre Elliot Trudeau International Airport -- main gateway for visitors to the island. They are welcomed by casino playing Christians, crack dealers and Ed Gauthier.
- Mirabel International Airport -- main gateway for visitors to Newfoundland. Rumored to house a secret underground space launchpad designed to mine the moon for the cheese needed for poutine.
- Lachine Canal -- Until 1943, was a body of water. Since reclassified as a solution consisting mainly of methyl alcohol, sulphuric compounds and methane. Was used by astrobiologist to study the possibility of life on Venus, Io and Calgary. Samples of the composition of the canal have been sold to Saddam Hussein for use in chemical warfare :o!
- The Rene Levesque golem
- Anus Shops -- a site of greatest industrial power in the whole world, ruled and run by Indian tribe chiefs, was sold in 1993 to some old lady, owner of burlesque houses. Today it is the world's biggest sex shop line headquarters, its production being exported through CN railroad to such countries as Vatican and Groenland.
[edit] Famous Montrealers
- Jordan Katz The founder of the world, who was most recognized when he stabbed a cat made out of popcorn.
- Zac Johnston Leader of the FLQ, is most notably known for having an affair with Pierre Elliot Trudeau.
- Pierre Elliot Trudeau The world's greatest lover. He was also Canada's only notable Prime Minister and single handily ensured that both French-Canadians will be assimilated and that sodomy would no longer be deemed illegal.
- Sauron
- Oscar Wilde, Seigneur of Montreal emeritus
- lost leg of Lucien Bouchard, religious figure (the leg, not the man)
- Lord Borg, tree fetishist who got elected by mistake.
- William Shatner (some things just don't need to be fake to be funny)
- Our Lady Peace calls Montreal their second home.
- A Piece of Our Lady-A stripper/hooker on St. Catherine Street.
- Steve Nash basketball player and international terrorist
- Lili St. Cyr famous debauched 20's stripper
- Roi Heenok Local bad-ass.
- Captain Benjamin P. Lamberton who discovered the Bermuda Square and the Bermuda Square Islands
- Simple Plan leaders of the whiny emo cult
8King_george no fucking idea who i am?
- Mathieu J. Obadia drug dealer and asshole
