Montrose
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Montrose is a town located in the mythical county of Angus (A giant field in between Aberdeen and Dundee) which, as a matter of fact, makes it neither mythical nor interesting. If you have never been to Scotland however, you may be forgiven for thinking that they are a crap rock band from San Francisco.
The site of the settlement is dominated by the Montrose Basin (the world's only tidal river separating the South Esk and Little South Esk), where birds from all over the world migrate to and then leave again, realising they probably should have opted for Siberia, which is considerably more hospitable. Funnily enough, birds make this same error every single year. Montrose is populated by Celtic and Rangers supporting wannabes who attend the Links Park Football Stadium on saturdays to fantasise that they are actually watching the Old Firm.
[edit] History
- Founded by a Scot called Bob Montrose (who later hanged himself) in 1276. Scotland has been trying to downplay this association ever since.
- English invade Montrose with 30,000 men during their 1295-96 conquest of Scotland. English pack up and leave after 1 hour 22 minutes and 31 seconds, deciding they'd rather castrate themselves then ever set foot in the town again.
- Wallace and Gromit destroy Montrose Castle in 1297. Thus ending the possibilities of any future Tourist attractions.
- Sometime during the 1600s a man called James Graham took part in The English Civil War (and fighting another Civil War in Scotland), switiching sides from Covenanter to Royalist. After the Parliament achieves victory, Graham begs for execution instead of being returned to his hometown of Montrose. Nothing much happens after this event.
- 1800: People of the town begin making snooty remarks about Pagan neighbours Brechin
- 1835: Montrose constructs a Museum
- 1836: Museum closes - People find nothing worthwhile to exhibit. Retirement Home built in it's place. Parties erupt into the middle of the night.
- 1945: Hitler visits Montrose and concludes that the world isn't worth conquering after all, and subsequently loses all self-belief. He returned to Berlin, stopped trying to win the war, and killed himself.
- 1967: King's Cinema burns down in a fire. A local Bingo hall is erected, as is another Retirement Home. Day commemorated as 'Retirement Day' - wild celebrations commence.
- 1973: Another Cinema bites the dust - another Retirement Home. Celebratory fireworks display is hastily organised.
- 1973 onwards: More Retirement Homes, and a concrete mass of grey lower-class residential homes built to house poor people from Dundee. Area forever known as 'Borrowfield' - To this day, nobody can figure out why.
- 1990s onwards: The construction of the A90 Dundee to Aberdeen road means that nobody needs to ever needlessly travel through Montrose ever again. The motorway service town is made redundant and Glaxo-Smith-Cline pushes towards the final phases of town domination.
- 2006: After realising that the town had no famous citizens, and with a much underused statue budget, the town erects a statue of a Norwegian dog named Bamse. Bamse was famous for viciously goring any "Outsiders" that tried to come and live in the town. This was in-line with local opinions that people should "stick to their own" to maintain the unique gene-pool found in Montrose.
[edit] Montrose Today
The loyal, enduring citizens of Montrose have enjoyed a mainly peaceful history. Unfortunately, local councillors have absolutely no ambitious plans whatsoever for the town dominated by the Glaxo-Smith-Kline pharmaceuticals company. Oh, hang on, an idea for the Montrose Basin to be paved over and replaced with a Retirement Home is being considered thoroughly by the Angus Council. The town is a close, tight-knit community, whose people wander around the streets having meaningless conversations. Attempts to build something useful in the town such as a DIY store (or a fast-food restaurant or a retail park or basically anything useful) have been squandered by complaints from citizens claiming it will hurt local merchants. In short, Montrose can be summed up in one word - Sigh...
The town of Montrose has become so isolated that the local people have developed their own fashions. Many of the young men in Montrose get their hair cut by their girlfriends. Interestingly, the unique hairstyles that have evolved are very similar to those sported by the remote Butya Butya tribe of the lower Congo. Many an outsider on an ill advised evening night out in Montrose has been heard to ask "did a wee african wuman cut yer hair?"
Porpoises and whales often wash up on the beach at montrose (even the beach has had enough and over the past ten years the sand dunes have been gradually drifting out to sea). This entertains the locals as they gather with sticks and batter the dead sea mammals' brains out.
The concepts of global warming and the looming energy crisis have started to affect the citizens of Montrose. Internal feuding in the town has meant that neighbours are keeping doors well sealed so as to avoid sharing one's energy with one's neighbour. This is most noticeable between the residents of the town and those who stay just over the bridge: with locals making sure that they preserve their warmth in order to avoid "heating up the whole of Ferryden" with their precious energy.
