Moose
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“hoo-wee! thats one sexy moose, Rocky!”
~ Bullwinkle the moose on moose
“In the future, I will not confuse moose with mice and vice versa.”
~ Oscar Wilde on confusion
“The joke of the ruminant kind!”
~ Llama on Moose
“In Soviet Russia, moose huffs YOU!!”
~ Russian Reversal on Moose
Moose are the largest of the Platypus family (nature's stoner looking animal). Well known for their abilities in the destruction of rurally owned cars and love of late-night countryside jaywalking.
The entire species is currently involved in a nasty legal case with a number of Canadian Ice Hockey teams and Watford F.C. for copyright infringement concerning the misuse of their image.
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[edit] Characteristics
The female moose, which is extremely demented in nature, will go to all lengths to protect her young. She has been known to bite the ears off of male moose in order to protect her young from being shot. This is the reason the moose dinner count is decreasing in Alaska. During mating season, the moose do have specific calls they emit if they are ready to breed. At night if you hear this and you are a man, run as fast as you can. The cow moose will attack anything she can to get "a piece". She will be extremely violent in nature and is the dominant of the species. If you see a bull moose, you should buy it a beer and give him a high five for being so damn awesome. In Scotland, however, a moose is a wee, cowering, timorous beastie that eats cheese and is preyed upon by cats.
A female moose will always smell like roses and lily's, but the male moose will smell of corn syrup.
The plural of moose is meese, though not to be confused with meese which is the plural of mouse. A group of meese is called a clump, not to be confused with a clamp, which is a group of the other kind of meese.
The Swedish moose has the odd ability to jump and hover. No professional moose watcher has been able to figure out why the hell a moose needs to hover. It has been speculated by non-professionals that they may be meditating transcendentally.
The Norwegian moose (alces alces norvegicus) has to eat at least 400 kg (882 lb) of Chicken Paste - every day to stay alive. The female moose, or "a cracking bit of stuff", gives birth to a litter of 40-60 calves, each weighing only around 5 grams (0.18 oz, which is approximately 2.7 grams) at birth. For the first few days after birth she protects the calves by carrying them around inside her mouth cavity, hence the popular myth that the moose gives birth through the mouth. The young acquire their adult weight of 9-12 metric tons in just a few short summer months.
The bull's antlers contain a powerful hallucinogen known by the locals as bære tøys, and which can immobilize any natural enemy within seconds. Paradoxically this is also the main reason for the moose's status as an endangered species, as they are being hunted down by ruthless criminals supplying the drug to a growing illegal market. Moose also have a major role in text-baseth-adventure games (of course).
The C-17 is another type of moose that is found primarily in Australia, North America, and Europe. This moose has the capability of flight.
I LOVE MOOSES, but I think everyone does really. Like muffins.
[edit] Moose Hunting
Moose are often hunted, however they most often fall victim to a pussy-ass redneck who would rather take it out with one shot from far away using a shotgun or a rifle instead of facing it like a man (or lesbian). Real men hunt moose using uzis. There's more of a challenge in trying to take down a charging moose that's five yards away from you with a weak-ass gun than there is in just shooting it down in one shot from a mile away like some pansy. If you don't own an uzi you could however take a moose on in a bare knuckle brawl the winner gets to eat the loser and this adds a slightly more competitive edge too it It has also been said that vodka can attract moose, but this has been debunked as communists do not possess a moose cavalry of any kind.
A moose will kill you. With big, sharp, pointy teeth. And claws and its laser vision.
“Hunt Me? Ha! You puny mortals wouldn't stand a chance!”
~ Supermoose on His Computer
[edit] Moose Fishing
“Sure, I did it once... high five for war amps!”
~ Oscar Wilde on moose fishing
A nearly forgotten trade of the Norwegian rulers (as well as staplers, pencils and various other supplies). The premise of this act is still under investigation by the scientists originally hired to solve global warming. Ancient Norwegian manuscripts state that moose fishing requires a fishing rod and a rabid polar bear. While riding the fishing rod, throw the polar bear at the moose, then reel in any remnants you can get before the polar bear turns on you. At which point, shift your fishing rod into 6th gear and return to your stronghold. Other details are unclear at this time.
[edit] Moose Huffing
Are you kidding? Unless you're accomplished at getting huge objects rammed down your throat, huffing meese will really fuck you up, and not in a good way. Stick to kittens.
[edit] The moose army
The moose also forms The Moose Army, which protects the Restricted Area in Kristiansand. Meese are typically bred and raised for their great skills in the fields of nooblet pwning. The moose army is headed by a megalomaniac Canadian only known as "Horton". It is suspected that he retreats to his maple syrup production facility to coordinate his operations. The Moose Army is constantly at war with the Headcrab Army of thepiespy that started over a cherry and two leaves.
[edit] Involvement of Meese in the Krazy Kanadian Kavalry
In addition to The Moose Army, moose also serve as mounts for the ice hockey soldiers of the Krazy Kanadian Kavalry. Wild moose are hunted as sport by Krazy Kanadian Kavaliers, however, and thus have an extreme rivalry with their Triple K brethren. whose white pointed hoods are derived from anti-moose wear developed by Kedwig Icedober in the late eighteenth century, the mechanics of which are quite simple, when one views a moose and its mount attacking from afar one places the then lead filled headpiece on the ground attach the ceremonial robe to it through the eye and mouth pieces and inflate the bottom half with the internal hand pump and orient the now 14ft opening toward your attacker then stand in front of it in your now stark naked state and wait. When your attacker gets within 4-5feet jump to one side and allow him to enter the inflated robe, the mooses antlers will puncture the robe and deflate it thus entangling the beast and his mount and the lead filled headpiece will drag them to a screaming halt (literally)then you can pull a large beating device of some kind out of its concealed position in the bushes and beat your foes to death. these grizzly traps were used admirably and scenes of robe covered carnage were common until the Krazy Kanadian Kavalry technicians finally came up with the technology needed to attach flamethrowers to the antlers of their steeds and after that they gained the upper hand in just about everything they did.
All of the moose in the moose army can bite through solid steel giving them some of the most powerful jaws in the animal kingdom. They have been known to gnaw through concrete with no harm to their teeth. there is also a newly discovered breed that resides in the Santa-Fe sewers that is invincible. The military has been investigating this type but to no avail- All have succumbed to the unforgiving jaws of the moose.
[edit] The Art of Moose-Fu and it's controversy
Moose-Fu is a ancient fighting style god himself invented to kick Satan's ass. Moose-Fu fighting style is composed of kicks, punches, vocal grunts and various other epic maneuvers. Satan was infuriated that god would pull such a bitch move, Satan made his own style of fighting also based off of the moose's movements and was dubbed "Moose Kun-Do" A epic battle of the fighting styles proceeded shortly after.
The Moose Brigade is a movement started by moose to withstand Moose-Fu.
It is made up of four guys who sit around a table wondering where in nova Scotia they are. One of these men is a professional moose-sniffer.
[edit] Citation
Mynd you, møøse bites kan be pretti nasti (Horst Nordfink's brother-in-law) A møøse once byt mye sister.
[edit] Plurals
The word moose doesn't actually have a plural.
Every year a competition is held in Canada to decide on the plural.
These plurals have been nominated:
Moose. Moosen. Mice. Meese. Meeses. Mooses, (tipped to win). Moes. Moo.
The band My Chemical Romance had quite a delightful argument on its plural, like the retards they are:
Frank: "Has Gold finger ever had a flock of moosn advancing on him? It's a terrifying sight."
Mikey: "That's not the plural of moose, it's moosi."
Gerard: "Fuck off, it's meese."
After said argument, the boys continued to fuck the crap out of each other before being mauled by the moose.
I know a guy named Moose. He's a good guy, although I don't think thats his real name.
[edit] Speed of Moose
many believe that moose are very slow animals but they have been recorded to go over 40 million meese-years per second the scientists who recorded this were originally hired to research global warming too
[edit] Moose in Football
Moose pronounced "mooooooooooooose" is a term used to describe a inaccurate usually powerful shot.
[edit] Little Known Moose Facts
The moose has been known to attack and sodomize random people out in the woods. Did you know...
- Around 13% of all moose attacks are caused by drunk moose?
- Since the moose is of a larger species than the human it has more thrusting power, but will do it not as quickly as the average man. The moose will take up to 7 minutes before layering his lover with a rare substance known as moose goo.
[edit] See also
- Baby Seal
- Lobstermoose
- Killer moose
- Savethemooses and why
- Suicidal Moose
- Bull mouse
- llamas
- Finland
- Sweden
- Pubic hair
- Camel
- User:MoosePie
