Mornington Crescent
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
"Fucking hell this is hard. I'm going down the pub" ~ Oscar Wilde.
A lifetime to learn; a minute to master
Mornington Crescent is a game which is named after a tube station on the London Underground. This is an extraordinary and hilarious coincidence as the object of the game is to navigate through the London Underground to that same said station.
There are many rules to Mornington Crescent, but this has not always been the case. Before the Second World War the Original Rules were used, but after Germany invaded Poland it was deemed necessary to introduce the New Orginal Rules. These were a great success for a time, but were then lost to posterity by Doctor Graeme Garden during a dirty weekend in Paris with Zsa Zsa Gabor. Such was the scandal of nefarious infamy around this incident that it has become taboo amongst players to mention the absence of rules. Infact anyone doing so may be Humped.
The purpose of the game is to be outrageously funny. This is more difficult than it sounds as the game now has as much scope for originality as the back of a cereal packet. Indeed some critics have argued it is nothing more than a pension scheme for old comedians on BBC Radio 4. The game was, however, famously used to put down a rebellion against the Raj in India by Major General Tworping-Ripplestone. During a battle against the Burpa Tribesmen of Rava Hili he laughed 59 men to death after engaging them in combat.
- Major General Tworping-Ripplestone : Dollis Hill
- Burpa Tribesman A : Marsden
- Major General Tworping-Ripplestone : I lay two black tokens and travel north by north east to Heathrow Terminal 4
- All Burpa Tribesmen: haHAHAhaHAhah etc
This is especially funny as Heathrow Airport did not exist in those days.
Mornington Crescent was banned in France during much of 1962 by General Charles De Gaulle to suppress rioting.
The current over-70's champion is not the Pope, as several websites have suggested, but rather Leonardo Da Vinci, who has overcome the disadvantages of death and Italianishness to metaphorically bugger all opposition senseless. The practice of huffing has been banned in an effort to give mortals a better chance of winning.
Other famous players include me, your mother, King Henry VIII and the entire South African Football Players Association.
The Scottish Equivalent of the game is called Lochness
Stanley Random Chess appears to be related to Mornington Crescent, and is actively played online at schemingmind.com.
[edit] The Rules of Mornington Crescent
It has been suggested by some that the rules of how to play Mornington Crescent are deliberately never revealed in order to confuse and bamboozle onlookers. It has also been suggested that there are in fact no rules.
Both assertions are false. For the first time in recorded history, I shall now reveal the Rules of Mornington Crescent.
- The game begins by the chairman (hereinafter referred to as "Humph") (nb: not to be confused with Huffing) announcing: "And now it is time for the game known as Mornington Crescent."
- The audience applauses.
- Humph consults what he calls his bulging mail-bag, to read out a letter from a fan. In all the years of playing Mornington Crescent, this has always been from a Mrs Trellis of North Wales. If Humph's mail-bag is indeed bulging, it is therefore to be surmised that Mrs Trellis must write
(i.e. a lot) letters per week. - Play then resumes by Humph announcing any special variations in the rules to be played for that particular game.
- Play proper then starts by each contestant naming a station on the London Underground.
- Play is interrupted by Tim Brooke-Taylor quibbling the rules, to the consternation of all present.
- The game continues as before.
- One of the contestants announces: "Mornington Crescent" - at which point the game ends.
Scholars of the game will, after reading the above rules, generally agree that it admits to a great level of skill, strategy, and even deviousness.
Alternate versions include
- Just a minute of Crescent: to speed thing up an instant disqulification will result from hesitation, deviation or repition
- American Crescent: The goal here to reach Mornington Crescent from anywhere in America without infracting the terrorism bill
- Reverse Crescent: Here you start at Morning Crescent and return to the start station, whose location is a closely guarded secret
- Afternoonington Crescent: Same rules but snacks and drinks are manditory
One popular variant of the rules uses a restricted number of stations for a quicker game, with players only allowed to use stations within London Underground Zone 1. This, unfortunately, makes the game unwinnable, as Mornington Crescent is in zone 2.
| This article or section may be Overly British. Americans may not understand humour, only humor. Canadians and Australians may not understand anything at all. Don't change a thing to remedy this. |
[edit] See Also
 | Places of Interest | London Bridge | Tower Bridge | Mornington Crescent | River Thames | London Eye | Big Ben | Houses of Parliament | House of Lords | Scotland Yard | Thames Ditton | Surbiton | Buckingham Palace | Millennium Dome | British Museum | 10 Downing Street |
| Places of Disinterest | Isle of Dogs | High Holborn | Hackney Empire | BBC Studios | Peckham | |
| People of Interest | Chelsea Pensioners | Prime Minister | |
| Culture and Education | London Symphony Orchestra | University College London | Cockney-English dictionary | St. Chav's Cathedral | Wimbledon | London F.C. | British Library | |
| Getting Around | London Underground | London Overground | Tube | London Bus | Hackney Cab |
