Morrisons
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Van Morrison Supermarkets plc is the yellowest chain of supermarkets in the world. The company is usually referred to as "this sh*thole", "these b*stards" or some variant thereof, is run by a secretive collective of greedy little gnomes and is part of the FTSE ("F*ck This Sh*t, Eh?") 100 index (the index of 100 British companies offering the least job satisfaction and the most mind-numbing boredom).
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[edit] History
Morrisons was founded in 1743 B.C by Morris who, having been left at home by his mother with nothing for company but The Jeremy Kyle Show and a box of eggs - the presence of both of which disgusted him to his very soul - decided to attempt to sell those items from the middle of the motorway near his home. Upon realising the flaw in his plan, he decided to instead start a supermarket chain - admitting that he had no real prospects in life. Jeremy Kyle did not survive.
Morris went on to recruit minions for his evil cult (under the pretence that they would comprise his workforce), choosing staff primarily from the ugly, old, stupid, dangerously unstable and me (although the last two are interchangable).
In 1945, Morrisons completed the takeover of Safeway, a Outer Mongolian fishing company. It was only later that they realised that there was no point in doing this; they have spent their time since trying to make up for this act of stupidity, while the workers point and laugh.
Some cool people have managed to infiltrate the company and are working, for reasons unknown, under the radar of the generally evil management. There's even a hot girl - but she'll never go out with me. Sigh.
Reason 1 to shop at morrisons, cos i work there!! unfortantley, the place is a shit hole - don't go to canvey islands one ITS SHIT!!!
On Monday, December 5th 2005, at approximately 0715, a large male employee was found hanging by a pink thong from the interior suspended roof at Guiseley Morrisons, store number 036. It is believed that he was taken advantage of following the staff christmas party held the night before. His P45 was issued the next day.
[edit] Morrisons today and the Tesco debacle
As of June 2006, Morrisons has 782 superstores in the United Kingdom. However, many of the public deny its existence, opting instead to shop at Tesco. It is well-known among underground rebels that Tesco is owned by Satan and on a mission to overrun the world with ugly packaging, tacky forays into insurance, banking, novelty doormats, musical army tanks and kittens.
Morrisons' response to their initial deficiency in market share was to paint everything absurd colours and hire any sucker who dared to apply for a job. When that plan failed, it was decided that the only option left was to cater for the emerging migrant workforce through the introduction of even cheaper vodka, bread and questionable meat products. Profits would be guaranteed through the systematic cutting of workforce and mugging of customers.
In 2006, Morrisons ate the entire staff force of Safeway and turned their supermarkets into their own.....because they can't be having with competition, they would go bankrupt otherwise.
[edit] Corporate slogans
Morrisons products are primarily marketed under one slogan: "Mental Gear Sold: Sons Of Morris". The "Sons Of Morris" campaign is backed up with separate adverts explaining "the many Morrifices" (the company's own term for their variety of products). The company is perceived to trade towards the lower end of the mainstream working class, offering boobie magazines, cheap booze and BBQSOS above choice, quality and actual edible food.
[edit] Customers
Morrisons' typical customers are the eastern European (mainly Polish) migrant working class. After a hard day's work at the fish farm, brothel, painting place or wrestling establishment (gender need not differentiate profession), these fine people wish nothing more than to get drunk on cheap booze, search the city for the cheapest bread and cakes, project their hard-man image, braid their beards and get drunk some more. The Polish can easily be identified by their general air of antisociality, which varies directly with the volume of alcohol in their basket and, in the case of females, terrible red hair.
Other notable groups who shop at Morrisons are old people, rabbis, emos and that guy with the funny walk. Regardless of nationality, when presented with a stone-faced customer, it is Morrisons custom to give them a cheery smile and say "You're welcome!" very loudly. Always remember: they're smiling on the inside!
[edit] Trivia
- Not only is Sir Ken a retail legend, he is also allegedly Father Christmas.
- New product lines that may go on sale in 2007, include heroin and cocaine, which can be bought behind the petrol station. No prices have yet been announced due to the fluctuating markets of these products.(see Morrisons 2006 USDAW meeting report in Morrisons stores)
- Several Morrisons car parks are known as dogging hotspots. (seen on several dogging websites - won't name them for obvious reasons. This may change, because under the new energy saving plans, the lights in the car parks are to be turned off 1 hour after the store shuts)
- Morrisons plans to open several new stores in the next few years in the south of the USA which will serve white people only. ([1])
- Morrisons has started recently a new energy-saving drive. This is done by training staff using a flip-chart in the training room. Most of what is recommended is common sense. It is speculated among staff that the alleged £104,000 saving each store can make a year (based up a store employing 300+ people) will go into Sir Kens' retirement fund. This is a secret though so don't tell anyone!!! (based upon being an employee - this is one to watch because it could be explosive)
- An eccentric at heart Sir Ken Morrison sleeps inside a grave. (Sourced from "News at M" the internal Morrisons magazine)
- In its 2 South Korean Morrisons has bowed to local pressure and begun selling dog meat in its products. (Source - A News At M article citing the Chosun newspaper)
[edit] Staff
“Except me. I slice fish. Woo.”
~ Loser on fish
“I work here. That's more reasons to to shop at Morrisons.”
~ Your Mom on The reasons to why you should shop at the yellowest shopping chain in the world which is of coarse Morrisons
[edit] References in popular culture
“Fear the sons of Morris.”
A self-help television show with a focus on moving to an actually fulfilling and enjoyable job is scheduled to air on the UK TV channel STD, entitled Morrison Break.
