Mortal Kombat II
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Mortal Kombat II is an arcade game and the thirteenth title in the Mortal Kombat fighting game series. Storywise, it is supposedly preceded by Mortal Kombat: Shaolin Monks, but (in recent times), the canon of that game has come into question, so (for many), Mortal Kombat: Shaolin Monks is not canon to the story of Mortal Kombat II, and is thought of as being a loose canon.
Contents |
[edit] Characters and cast
[edit] New characters
- Baraka: Wolverine wannabe.
- Jax: A member of the U.S. Spoon and Fork Club and a longtime comrade of Sonya Blade, who enters the tournament to rescue her from Shao Kahn so the frigid bitch will finally put out.
- Kitana: Shao Kahn's personal assassin and step-daughter.
- Kung Lao: Shaolin monk and homie of Liu Kang, who seeks to avenge the destruction of the Shaolin Crackhouse.
- Mileena: Shao Kahn's personal assassin. Dresses almost exactly like Kitana. Thought to be a jilted lesbian lover who is obsessed with her. She also has really bad teeth, so she's probably from England.
- Reptile: High ranking member of the Illuminati. Reptile appeared in the original Mortal Kombat, but this is the first game where he doesn't hide like a pussy. He was hiding during the first Mortal Kombat because he had recently taken part in the Illuminati's plan to assassinate JFK so the evil lizard people could rule the world alongside the aliens.
[edit] Returning characters
- Johnny Cage: Hollywood movie star who joins Liu Kang in his journey to Outworld, but doesn't really help, as his only goal is to nail one of Shao Kahn's assassins.
- Liu Kang: The Shaolin monk who is the reigning champion of Mortal Kombat. Travels to Outworld to seek revenge for the death of his fellow monks. He is thought to be related to Beavis because of the high-pitched gibberish he emits while doing his bicycle kick. Sometimes he is like a Bruce Lee wannabe.
- Sub-Zero: The younger and merciful brother of the original Sub-Zero, sent to assassinate Shang Tsung. Scorpion still plans on kicking his ass. Sub-Zero wears the blatantly un-ninjalike color of powder blue so that his enemies will be distracted when they laugh at what a gay color he's wearing, then he can freeze their scrotums, making them contract until they pop the testicles. He gains his freezing powers from his Canadian heritage.
- Scorpion: The Hell-spawned spectre who returns to the tournament to once again assassinate Sub-Zero because he was drunk when he killed the original Sub-Zero, so he doesn't remember doing it and thinks the new Sub-Zero is the one who murdered him. Actually one of the most popular characters, but he always gets some shitty part in the game that usually involves him trying to kill someone and failing.
- Shang Tsung: The evil sorcerer who has convinced Shao Kahn to spare his anal virginity after losing the last tournament, with a new evil plan to appease his master Shao Kahn, who in turn also restores Tsung's youth, making him more mobile and agile. Why he didn't do this before the first tournament is unknown. Maybe Shao Kahn is just stupid or something.
- Raiden: Crazed Thor admirer who has taught himself to use a big ass hammer and shoot electricity just like his hero. Known to wear a basket on his head so he appears harmless, then kill his victims through anal electrocution.
[edit] Non-playable characters
- Jade: The sister of Neo who has the same bullet dodging ability as him. Another former lesbian lover of that slut Kitana, who also dresses like her.
- Kano: One eyed kangaroo fucker.
- Kintaro: Shokan warrior, general of Shao Kahn's army, and is stronger than Shao Kahn, but somehow doesn't overthrow him and replace him.
- Noob Saibot: Evil dark ninja, formerly known as Sub-Zero. When he went to Hell, he was asked to pick a new name as a demon. He chose the name "Noob," completely unaware that this would get him made fun of by all the other demons. The only way to defeat Noob is by pwning him. The battle against him is known as the n00b r0xx0r.
- Shao Kahn: the Arch-Duke of Rhode Island!.
- Smoke: Sub-Zero's friend from the Lin Kuei, was fired from the Lin Kuei after he failed a drug test. He wears a ninja outfit to disguise the fact that he's black, but everyone can tell because crack smoke comes from his body, and everyone knows only black people smoke crack.
- Sonya Blade: Captured by Shao Kahn and tied up in his colosseum, which is kind of hot!
[edit] Boss and Sub-Boss
[edit] Boss
- Shao Kahn Ruler of Outworld. Walks around half-naked.
[edit] Sub-Boss
- Some 4-armed asshole who fights really cheaply... guess it's Kintaro or something.
[edit] Storyline
Following his defeat, Shang Tsung begs his dominatrix, Shao Kahn, to spare his butt-hole. He tells Shao Kahn that the invitation for Mortal Kombat cannot be turned down, and if they hold it in Outworld, the Earthrealm warriors must attend. Kahn agrees to this plan, and restores Tsung's youth, which is stupid, because he's basically rewarding him for fucking up the first plan. He extends the invitation to Raiden, who gathers his warriors and takes them into Outworld. The tournament is dangerous, as Shao Kahn has the home field advantage, and an Outworld victory will unbalance the furies and allow Outworld to subsume Earthrealm. Don't worry if you don't understand all the crap about unbalancing the furies; the creators were a bit high when they wrote that part.
Mortal Kombat II follows Mortal Kombat and precedes Mortal Kombat 12.
It seems to have been replaced storywise by Mortal Kombat: South Central Crack Hos, though many argue that this game has many contradictions to the events in the Mortal Kombat storyline, and, as such, should not be considered canon. These people, however, are nerds and need to get a life.
[edit] Character bios and endings
[edit] Baraka
Bio: He led the attack against Liu Kang's Shaolin crack-houses. Baraka belongs to a nomadic race of mutants living in the wastelands of the Outworld. His fighting and Mad Dog chugging skills gained the attention of Shao Kahn who recruited him into his army.
Ending: Known for his unpredictable actions and wild fits of anger, Baraka goes on a Mad Dog-fueled rampage, as only a true hobo can. After defeating the earth warriors, he attacks Shang Tsung, Kintaro and finally Shao Kahn himself.
After defeating Shao Kahn, Baraka's race of mutant hobos rise from skid row and rebel against what is left of them rich people with their fancy houses and shit. They eventually win, and the Outworld comes under the rule of king Baraka.
[edit] Jax
Bio: His real name is Major Michel Jackson Big Briggs, leader of a top US special forces unit. After receiving a distress signal from Lt. Sonya Blade, Jax embarks on a rescue mission. One that leads him to a chance to get laid if he rescues Sonya.
Ending: Jax finds Sonya held captive alongside their arch enemy Kano. Her only chance of escape is by Jax entering Shao Kahn's contest. With fierce determination he catches the Outworld Warriors off guard and wins the Tournament bringing Shao Kahn's rule to a crashing halt.
During the Chaos that follows, Jax and Sonya escape through the dimensional gate from which they entered. Kano once again eludes capture but Jax and Sonya know they will cross paths with him in the future. Sonya still never puts out, so Jax goes Bat Fuck Insane and rapes her, then kills himself.
[edit] Johnny Cage
Bio: After Shang Tsung's tournament, the martial arts superstar disappears. He follows Liu Kang into the Outworld. There he will compete in a twisted tournament which holds the balance of earth's existence- as well as a script for another blockbuster movie. The shallow cunt.
Ending: After disappearing from the set of his latest movie, Cage finally resurfaces. He used all his knowledge and experiences as a fighter to get tons of chicks in Outworld. Now heralded as a true pimp, Cage receives the pussy he rightfully deserves.
He also gets his inspiration for the sequel to his blockbuster movie Mortal Kombat. MK II is released and quickly becomes the greatest motion picture event of all time. Cage realizes that MK III is inevitable, as is Midway attempting to shamelessly plug their next game.
[edit] Kitana
Bio: Her beauty hides her true role as personal assassin for Shao Kahn. Seen talking to an earth-realm warrior, her motives have come under suspicion by her twin sister/former lover Mileena. But only Kitana knows her own true intentions.
Ending: As a result of her years of work as an assassin, Kitana has learned many secrets, especially about her past. She discovers that Mileena is not her twin but a grotesque bull dyke.
She learns that her parents were homeless drug addicts and her mother was a whore. Determined to take back what is hers, she must defeat Kahn. She does so by entering the tournament. She reclaims her parents' cardboard box and restores the Hobo Realm to a realm of drunkenness.
[edit] Kung Lao
Bio: A former Shaolin Monk and a member of NAMBLA, he is the last descendant of the Great Cornholio who was defeated by Butthead 500 years ago. Realizing the danger of the Outworld menace he joins Liu Kang (referred to by him as "butt munch," in the style of his ancestors) in entering Shao Kahn's contest.
Ending: A former Shaolin Street Killa alongside Liu Kang, Kung Lao also grieves the loss of their Shaolin homies. He realizes that his ultimate fate lies within the dark realm of the Crips. He defeats his cracka-ass opponents until he emerges the supreme OG.
With his gats and crunk juice in complete alignment he finally avenges the death of his great ancestor. Although his greatest challenges lie ahead...
[edit] Liu Kang
Bio: After winning the Shaolin Tournament from Shang Tsung's clutches Kang returns to his crackhouse. He discovers his sacred home in ruins, his Shaolin stoners killed in a vicious battle with a horde of Outworld cops. Now he travels into the Dark Realm to seek more drugs.
Ending: With his Shaolin crack-house in ruins, Liu Kang journeys into the Outworld, enters Shao Kahn's tournament and unleashes a strung-out, heroin-fueled, Sid Vicious-like fury that does not end until the defeat of Shao Kahn, which sounded a lot like "WOOOLOOOWWWOOOWOOOLLOOO!". Liu Kang then returns to the seclusion of his van by the river.
He pays his respects to his lost brothers and finally realizes that the events which have taken place were all fulfillment of his acid-induced vision. Damn hippy.
[edit] Mileena
Bio: Serving as an assassin along with her twin sister/butt buddy Kitana, Mileena's dazzling appearances conceal her hideous [face] intentions. At Shao Kahn's request she is asked to watch for her twin's suspected dissension. She must put a stop to it at any costs, however she only seems to actually spy on her when she's in the shower or getting dressed.
Ending: Once thought to be Kitana's twin sister, Mileena is actually a grotesque demonic bull dyke created by Rosie O'Donnell. With Shao Kahn's suspicions of Kitana's motives, Mileena seizes the opportunity to attack Kahn and his minions.
Caught off guard, they are no match for Mileena's speed. She wins the tournament and together with her secret lover, (and transsexual) Baraka, they rule the world as king and queen.
[edit] Raiden
Bio: Watching events unfold from high above, the thunder god realises the grim intentions of Shao Kahn. After warning the remaining members of the Shaolin Tournament, Raiden grabs his thunderdong, an enormous dildo infused with electrical power and sets out for Outworld wearing a blue apron.
Ending: Familiar with Shang Tsung's lies and Shao Kahn's brutality, Raiden accepts their challenge to compete in an Outworld tournament. He is well aware of their scheme to unbalance the furies and invade the earth realm. Raiden vows to use all his might to end their treachery.
By winning the tournament, Raiden destroys Shao Kahn and all his minions. He also destroys the world, just because he kicks that much ass. He thinks he's won, but Thor attacks him and kills him for being such a blatant ripoff.
[edit] Reptile
Bio: As the leader of the Illuminati, the elusive Reptile lurks in the shadows stopping all those who would expose his secret plan to stage the holocaust and the moon landing, neither of which ever really happened. His human form is believed to disguise a horrid reptilian creature whose race was thought extinct millions of years ago, but it was actually just another conspiracy by the Illuminati.
Ending: Reptile has always loyally served as Barney's protector. While maintaining a very low profile in the first tournament he discovered Tsung's plot to force the remaining members of his near extinct race into slavery under Shao Kahn's rule. Reptile then devises a plan of his own.
He enters the Outworld tournament, and in true Illuminati style, he waits until Shang Tsung is driving past a grassy knoll, then shoots him with 2 bullets at once from different angles.
[edit] Scorpion
Bio: The hell-spawned hobo, one of many hobos in the tournament, rises from the dumpster he was rummaging through. After learning of Sub-Zero's return, he again stalks the ninja assassin, hoping to steal his identity and get off the street - unaware of the possibility that he doesn't really know what Sub-Zero looks like under his mask and any idiot could dress up as him just to piss Scorpion off.
Ending: Upon learning of Sub-Zero's reappearance, Scorpion enters Shao Kahn's tournament. He witnesses Sub-Zero drink a bottle of fortified wine without flinching and realises that this is not the same Sub-Zero who murdered him so long ago, but a fellow hobo. The tournament seems to be populated mostly by hobos, so they all get together and take over the world.
[edit] Shang Tsung
Bio: After losing control of the Shaolin Tournament, Tsung promises his ruler Shao Kahn to shape events that will lure the earth warriors to compete in his own contest. Convinced of this plan, Shao Kahn restores Tsung's hymen and allows him to retain his anal virginity.
Ending: Shang Tsung not only turns against and defeats both Kintaro and Shao Kahn, he also takes over their rule of the Outworld. With Shao Kahn's armies at his command, he finally unbalances the Furies, and weakens the dimensional gates between the Outworld and the Earth Realm.
Along with his elite group of sorcerers he uses this weakness to march a never-ending horde of midget cockpunching terrorists onto the earth and doom its inhabitants to eternal testicular pain. Have a nice day. :)
[edit] Sub-Zero
Bio: Thought to have been killed in the Shaolin Tournament, Sub-Zero mysteriously returns. It is believed he travelled into the Outworld to again attempt to assassinate Shang Tsung. To do so he must fight his way through Shao Kahn's tournament.
Ending: When Sub-Zero failed to return from the Shaolin tournament and rumor of Shang Tsung's survival reached the Lin Kuei clan, they immediately sent another assassin to complete the task. This new warrior is actually some homeless guy they found passed out behind the local pub one day. He turns out to be Sub-Zero's brother, who was never known to exist before, because Sub-Zero was ashamed of him.
He enters the outworld contest and accomplishes his task. He learns of Scorpion's foul vendetta against his brother but will never know why his life was spared. It is presumed that scorpion was heavily drunk at the time. Perhaps a third tournament is in his future? Or maybe just another boring night of drinking Colt 45 and passing out behind the dumpster in the alley behind the bar. Loves to yell "I love pussy!!" at his foes.
