Mosher
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- (Redirected from Mosh)
“You can't stop the mosh...”
~ Me on The Mosh
“Not even I can stop the mosh.”
~ Chuck Norris on The Mosh
“I'd stop it, if only I knew what it was!”
~ The Man on The Mosh
“OK guys, you have one minute left...”
~ some random health official on Stopping The Mosh
Moshers are the original, and most dominant species of a planet known as Mosh. They are well versed in the Moshal Arts. There exists an undefined kinship between the creatures that roam this planet and its neighbours. You aren't likely to meet an over-weight mosher, they lose weight with all the head banging and walking around the streets, however, crippled moshers may be found as during their walking, they are hunched, rather like that guy from disney.
Also known as greebos.
Contents |
[edit] Making a mosher
A mosher can be made up using the following recipe
- 1 three week old black tee (t-shirt)
- 1 pair of baggy jeans
- Long hair
- Rock/metal music
- A disregard for other peoples opinions
- The ability to take a large amount of pain
- Quick wit (able to confuse any chav
- A bottle of pure bliss - the fuel of Planet Mosh - JD
- a lot of alcohol (JD included)
- (if chav present)a golf club/cricket bat/electric chair or guitar
- An incredible headache from moshing
The recipe may alter.
[edit] Moshers RULE
This is a known fact, everyone except Chavs realise and accept that Moshers are superior to everything. Chavs, bein the inferior cow turds that they are, haven't yet realised that they just plainly and simply suck. When Chavs realise that they are infact wasting our air they will run to the nearest landfill site or equivalent and cower. Sadly though, chavs will re-emmerge into our street and once again begin skulking around and shouting Mosher at people who are unfortunate enough to pass within a four mile proximity of a Chav.
The Mosher Chav War has continued for some time now. With bombardments of Chavettes and Chavlings that are smoking at the age of 3 and 1/2. The cause of this wars is difference of oppinion. The Moshers are right and the Chavs are retarded. This is called a difference of opinion. On the up side though, random Chav beatings will remain at an all time high and Chavette teenage pregnancy is on a decline, probably due to the copious amount of drugs the Chav males have consumed, causing impotence and deep routed stupidity. So next time you are walking the streets, feel safe that Moshers are going to rule the earth through loud music, JD, Mosh Pits and loud music once again.
[edit] Hunter-Gatherer
The 'mosher' is often seen kicking chavs, townies and teggs ass. This is due to the fact that, even though the act of mosh pitting is generally beating each other up, there is an etiquette of the pit which is that the injured are helped. Whereas with Chavs they first of all make sure that they out-number the mosher, usually by 5 to one, and then they corner the mosher and send a Chavette to start the fight as no decent person will attack a girl. Then when the Mosher (or Punk or Absolute Mosher etc...) is on the floor bleeding with fake nails sticking out of their eyes this is when the Male chavs go in kicking the victim and burning their Fag/Cig into the victims clothes. The tables can turn quickly if the mosher's band is nearby, who will help their friend and drive off the Chav's and, if possible, kill the fat one who wasn’t fast enough. If any remaining bling turns out to be real instead of fake crap, then the moshers may take it in order to pay for the next rock concert and baggy clothes including band t-shirts
The other way in how mosher's take out chav's is buy the "aquring" of MG 42 machine guns and mowing them down as they attepmt to run towards them in the large flocks with the mini chav's drinking "white lighting" Whislt the Moshers are drinking real alcohol such as JD, which incedently is the alcoholic fuel behind the mosher's master plan, kill all chavs and rule both planet mosh and our sunny earth.
ALSO ALL MOSHERS WILL RISE UP AND KILL CHAVS! AND WE DEFINETLY ARENT REGULARLY BULLIED, COWER AND WRITE FANTASIES ON THE INTERNET!
[edit] The Mosh Pit
This is the moshers' idea of a good time. The moshpit was invented when Oi Polloi decided to play Auld Lang Syne as part of their set. The mosh pit is an uncanny and dark place - once you go in, expect to be coming out again once you've realised what you've let yourself in for. Groups of moshers enter these pits and try to 'fight' (see nudge slightly). Moshers, being the strange creatures they are, even take their girlfriends to mosh pits on what they may think is a good place for a date. Upon sticking their tongue in their mouths, they usually have people rammed into the back of them. This absurd behavior may explain their lack of consciouness.
Chavs are not common visitors to mosh pits,this is because they say they dont want to rip their 'bling innit' but realy because they are realy realy realy scared, but on the unusual occasion that a chav is unwillingly placed inside the frothing pit of doom (often because moshers outwit them and tell there is a free burberry shirt inside), The Chav is subsequently subdued and their arms and legs are completely removed, and used as beating sticks (also, they may, or may not, be shoved up said chav's rectum). It is also is commonly known that an emo may find its way into the pit. This usually happens when the have ran out of self harming methods eg: razor blades, gas ovens, cutting their life giving hair. They are never EVER beaten as badly as chavs, just to really piss them off.
[edit] Enemies
Moshers are the greatest threat to Chavs. The friendship between this group and the Emo and Goth clans is the key to victories over chavs (Most moshers aren't such big fans of emos but would quite willingly aid them in battles against the Chav scum). Mostly, the average Chav will follow the Mosher in question, as though stalking it's prey. Upon thinking that no-one is watching, the group of 7 billion or more attacks. From this point onwards, there are two things that can happen. If you have established friendships with Emos or Goths as was previously mentioned, then the Chavs may well prepare for a well-timed Emo flick of Doom(flick the finger into an eye)/ stake into the heart (I don't need to explain). However, if you have ignored this advice, prepare to forget this information as a 6ft dick comes hurtling towards you, destroying your physical being. After which, you can be prepared to be spat on/mugged/poked a bit with a stick by the 3 yr old Chavling who is accompanying their 12yr old mum and their 50 year old dad who has recently been released from prison.
But, news of fellow mosher beatings spread like wildfire, and soon a whole army of moshers, emos and goths will come to help the poor mosher out, killing off chav scum with breadknives and amplification devices.Then the remaining chavs shall flee with their Burberry tracksuits between their legs.
[edit] Prophet
It has been foretold that in the coming year a prophet will rise to reunite the mosher clan and it will follow in his wake. The Prophet shall have magnificent golden hair that shall have been dyed at least once. They shall also have been extremely horny sice the age of 10. The army of metal will spread through out britain and wipe out the chavvian scum with the roaring death of a billion boom-boxes causing the horrificly beaten and dying chavs to enter a violent fit and eventually a splode.
The island will become a derilect and empty wasteland, barren and covered in the remains of chav and JD bottles alike as the metalheads and their golden -locked prophet spread the word to the rest of the planet, In return, bringing around "80s' II" The prophet and his followers shall 'rebuild the island with many electric guitars and awesome drum solos, and moshers shall reign supreme forever more'(The Rolling Stones Bible, Gospel of Ronnie Wood, chapter 2, verse 4)
Once the island is fit for mosher reign, the world shall once again know true music, and all chav 'beats' shall be banished and left in a pile of supreme retardedness, known as McDonalds.
Recent sightings of the prophet on his constant march to bring the mosh to all have been rare but a few seen the mysterious wanderer on his metal crusdades across western scotland, beating chavs daily and forcing them to attempt taxi-related suicides in shame of the severe ass kickings recieved.
[edit] Female Moshers
Female Moshers, like their male counterparts, can be found outside mosh-pits, or in a one-mile radius of an electric guitar(preferably a pink and black Stratocaster). Female moshers dress better than chavettes, mixing style with class, leaving male moshers lusting after them and chavettes envying them. Females are usually talented in music and drama, and all have a knowledge of great guitar solos, so as to impress male moshers.Female Moshers have the 'best bodies' and never get pregnant in their teenage years, and hardly get pregnant at all. By the age of 21, a female must have started her own band,be supporting her rock-star boyfriend, and be well practised in chavette-slaughter. All mosher females own at least 2 pairs of killer black stillettos, and spike belts, ready to poke the eyes out of any chav/townie/retard that dares come near her.
When mosher females become mothers, they hire emos or fellow moshers to teach and look after their child until it is developed enough to mosh. Whilst this is happening, they go off to persue their music careers.
The Mosher babies are brought up being able to play at least one rock instrument, and have usually practised the art of moshing to absolute perfection. Moshers take great pride in teaching their kids how to beat up a chavs.
[edit] Hardcore Dancing
The bastard, unwanted son-child of moshing. While some people seem to think these "Chav" folk are the true enemies of moshers (that or it's some lamer's silly obsession with his ex-girlfriend's new boyfriend who just so happens to be a chive). Hardcore dancing is when 14 to 17 year old mall kids who dress like wiggers crossed with used condoms, go to a mosh pit, clear the floor so that about 3 or 4 of them can fight air. Here is a simpler formula:
[edit] How to Hardcore Dance
- First you have to be sure your mother dressed you.
- Make sure the floor is devoid of all life.
- Make sure that you and your partners are about 3 or 4 feet away from each. Remember, the hardcore dancing ball room floor is like the strip clubs, no touching.
- Once the band starts playing one of their "songs" (the word songs is used loosely, because it was released discovered by scientists that modern-hardcore/death metal songs aren't actually songs, but rather the sounds of goat-sex), proceed to whoop the shit out of air using a variety of karate moves you taught yourself, grabbing invisible pennies off the ground, the vertical-ceiling fan technique (or windmill), and the goat-raper.
- Try to be a huge inconvenience to people who are just trying to watch the band.
- Be an angry puss when a Mosher (see above) decides to well, mosh.
- Harcore Dancing is not endorsed by Glenn Danzig.
- A true mosher will interfere with a well placed rugby tackle then swift headbutt to break up this abomination of a dance.
[edit] The death of Robert Knox
Moshing can be dangerous. Sometimes Moshers have been known to kill each other in the mosh pit. Robert Knox was a Mosher/teen actor known for his hatred of Chavs (fact is, all Moshers are), for the few film roles he did get, and for moshing where deaths have been known to occur, e.g. Donington, Dublin, Vancouver, Sydney, and Cincinatti. Ironically, his death on May 24, 2008 did NOT occur in a mosh pit, but at the hands of Chavs posing as muggers and trying to mug his younger brother. Therefore, his death shocked the community of Moshers in England, and many Moshers were present at his June 6, 2008 funeral to watch the Remington Steelers perform for their numero uno fan one last time before he was laid into the ground. On November 21, 2008, the band will participate in the Robert Knox Memorial Concert, which many Moshers worldwide are expected to attend.
