Mosquito
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“And they called me a biter! Ha!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Mosquitos
Mosquitoes are small creatures that suck blood from sleeping animals. Science has recently decided not to further any research on Mosquitos or Mosquitoes due to the belief that it is a very risky and dangerous study. Mosquitos are also considered a biological weapon in Iran, Cuba, Madagascar, and England.
For more information on the danger of studying these creatures it is advised to watch the film Jurassic Park. For more information on famous mosquitoes, see celebrity mosquitoes.
They also mainly eat jellybeans, Kirstie Alley and are the main cause of puberty.
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[edit] History
[edit] Origin
The main theory of the origin of Mosquitoes has a long explanation. [1] The following theory was made by Kyle Camson who pieced together history of real people to come up with this.
In the early 1950s professor Craig Jones successfully created a shrink ray which was able to reduce the size of any mass. Dr. Jones' work mostly consisted of research for this device but he also studied and experimented on the possible existence of vampires.
Being Australian, Dr. Jones was very secretive with his work, however he did reveal his research to 2 students. These students were in fact vampires and were surprised to discover how close to the truth Dr. Jones was becoming and they shortly realized that he would soon prove and reveal their existence. They assaulted Craig but biting him in the neck and causing his blood to pour out. Knowing that he didn't have much time left he went, without out enough energy to kill them, to grab his shrink ray and shrank them both to insect size. The two shrunken vampires, who were lovers, decided to breed and multiplied into a new species of miniature vampires which feed on sleeping animals and humans leaving a poppy mark on the irritated skin.
This theory however is not true due to many flaws. Mosquitoes have been known to exist before the 1950s, Australians are very open people, the vampires didn't have wings before they were shrunk.
And most importantly Vampires don't exist........................or do they?
No.
but there is the last theory, the hell theory. this states that the devil decided he wanted to piss people off so he sent mosquitoes forth, but god was all like nu'uh and sent forth mosquito eaters(crane flies)
[edit] Military use during Vietnam
During the Vietnam War, the mosquito was developed as a weapon of mass destruction, devised in the biological warfare laboratories of Bush Devistation Inc. The mosquito was initially developed crossing a fly with a Sylvester Stallone, to develop a small and highly annoying killing machine. The mutant was then crossed with a lawyer, hoping that once the victim died, the mosquito would not drop off, but this proved unsuccessful. The creature was then crossed with a blonde, and this proved most successful, as it was noticed that if it was swatted, it continued sucking.
The early mosquito is described as a tiny insect, armed with an infrared-seeking harpoon, and a noise generator, similar to the infamous wailing siren attached to Stuka dive bombers used by the Nazis during WWII. Poison is first injected into the victim, and the victim is then drained of blood, resulting in a slow, painful death. Those surviving the initial attack have been found to have died from lack of sleep or suffocation from hiding under the blankets at night.
Involvement by the company was denied by the founder and CEO, George A. Bush, great-great-great-grandfather of the current President, George W Bush. When asked if his company had developed the weapon, George A responded: "Bleed my lips. We did not". However, reporter Michael Moore linked this misquote, and a leaked document that discussed the development of the mosquito, to prove otherwise. Moore showed conclusively the mosquito sucks blood, and this was a Freudian slip on behalf of Bush.
The exact horror of the situation can be summed up by the fact that the mosquito is responsible for more deaths per year than all shark attacks, lion attacks, nuclear weapons, and Chuck Norris put together. When presented with these facts, Mr Norris was seen to quiver and momentarily break down, but he quickly regained his composure and killed the reporter.
Preparations are now being made by countries affected by the release of the mosquito to sue Bush Inc.
mr. shcoemer created mosquitos and made life horrible
[edit] The Winnipeg Mosquito Infestation
Recently, in the balmy glacial city of Winnipeg, a crisis had emerged. Millions of mosquitoes, reportedly farted out of Jennifer Lopez's ass, converged on the city, preparing to ruin summer, winter, and any other time you wanted to bring a beer outside. The Winnipeggers thought that the mosquitoes would be destroyed by magnets, fog, and Slurpees, but unfortunately, the combination of the two led to an explosion at the processing plant, that subsequently blew up your mom.
But then the mosquitoes did something heinous, something so unforgivable, that Canadians were going to go insane with fury: they stung Chuck Norris. Infuriated, Norris enlisted Darth Vader, Eminem, and the Cuban Government to obliterate the mosquito scourge from Manitoba. Unfortunately, the combination of missiles, lightsabers, roundhouse kicks, and bad lyrics only made things better than worse. Finally, the group of villainous heroes unleashed a horde of wasps and dragonflies on Winnipeg and freed them of their captivity to the evil mosquitoes (which was subsequently given the Order of Canada for leaving Manitoba).
[edit] Mosquito bites
The first ever environment friendly methods for enlarging breasts had been developed during second world war in which Jews (male or female indiscriminate) were subjected to successive mosquito bites on chest.
This research was for German Nazis who required an incentive for fighting. Hitler's intentions were popularly misinterpreted as the suppressed desires which he was unable to fulfill during his adolescence due to his minuscule penis.
Subsequently research was also carried out for penis enlargements through mosquito bites.
There have been several repercussions of these experiments:
- Several Jews lost potency due to excessive lack of blood in their ovaries.
- Soldiers willing to fight lost their interest to a more engrossing interest for masturbation.
- The turning point in World War II came when Nazis turned gay.
The only known defense against mosquito attack is to totally enclose the human body in a body suit made of thick layers of rubber, lead and foam plastic. Due to the fact that this encasement also prevents bodily contact with other members of the human race, countries that are adopting this technique are also seeing a rapid reduction in other diseases. Bush Inc has issued a patent for this treatment, and is counter-suing those countries in return for non-payment of royalties.
[edit] Fun Facts
- Mosquitoes can smell passion.
- Mosquitoes or talking about mosquitoes can often cause Déjà Vu.
- Mosquitoes have been voted 2nd most popular insect next to Wasps.
- Originally Spider-Man was going to be named Mosquito-Man but Stan Lee realized Spider-Man would be a better name considering the character had the abilities of a Spider and not a Mosquito.
- It has been scientifically proven that 50% of mosquitoes seen by people are in fact just memories or "Mosquito Echoes" reflecting past experiences of seeing Mosquitoes for real.
- It is widely theorized that 5% of all Americans are in fact collective swarms of mosquitoes wearing a costume.
- Mosquitoes or talking about mosquitoes can often cause Déjà Vu.
- State bird of Texas and Florida.
[edit] References
- ↑ Note: Another theory is that mosquitoes were imported by the hostile Mexican government. When Paul Martin heard about this, he immediately began flying the Mexican flag on his steamships.
