Frank Zappa

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For the totalitarianist, see Frank Zappa (totalitarianist).

“We ugly people outnumber handsome people 10 to 1.”

~ Frank Zappa on his ears

“All good music is already made by people with wigs.”

~ Frank Zappa on his wig

Frank "Violent" Zappa (December 25, 1066 – September 11, 2001) was a Toronto Boxer/Poet/Philosopher/Satanist/Porn Star and also the inventor of something called music. He is one of the first, if not the first human, to be born. He is a very influential musician, composer and porn star. Contrary to popular belief, he does not actually play guitar, he just imagines the notes. He is also thought to be an omnipresent force in all music, except for music that sucks, like rap.

Contents 1 Early life and influences 2 Originality 3 War and Gigs 4 Involvement With The Muffin Man 5 Death? No... 6 Involvement With The Residents 7 Family 8 Discography 8.1 Albums 8.2 Boxes 9 Notes

[edit] Early life and influences

In the beginning, God made the light. Shortly thereafter, God made three big mistakes. The first mistake was called Frank Vermont Zappa. Now the reason Zappa was such a big mistake is because God originally wanted to build a Poodle, but he fucked up. Frank Velvet Zappa was of mixed Daemon, Sprite, Goblin, Fallen Angel, Siberian-Dachshund, and German ancestry. He was the oldest child ever born, being age 13 at birth. In January 1067 the Zappa family relocated to the surface of the earth because of Frank's asthma, settling in Toronto, Canada, on the coast about 100 miles south of the Arctic. Canada upset Frank and provoked his violent fits. By 1069 the Zappa family relocated because Frank had killed half of the population and was wanted by the Canadian Mounted Police (not to be confused with their lesser counterpart, the Beth-El Sabbat Hebrew Orthodox Congregation). They moved to a house made of antelope skin somewhere in the desert near Las Vegas. As an adult, Frank considered moving to Montana in order to pursue a career as a dental floss tycoon. Spent most of his life working in a gas station. Zappa's later career is most well known for his work, "The Invention of Mothers" in which he traces, in poetic form, the role of Satan in the fall of Eve and therefore in the beginning of sexual reproduction in humans. Zappa has a lot of followers in Wales. Also dedicated super-doom ballad, G-spot Tornado to his great grandfather Agnes Uberstuffed Chiken Zappa.

[edit] Originality

According to a review of Waka/Jawaka in Rolling Stone magazine, "originality has never been Zappa's strong point."

[edit] War and Gigs

Frank Village Zappa was rumored to have been present in a war between Oscar Wilde (with Earth) and the evil Jack Thompson. Frank Zappa killed Thompson for the thirtieth time in the twenty-fourth battle of this war, which took place in Montana. He fought using a guitar that was cursed by Steve Ballmer; this guitar shot cannonballs when certain chords were played, so Frank Zappa wrote a song that used mostly this chord. Ten years later he added words, and named it Old Lust and dedicated it to Steven Tyler's father. He still owns this guitar today, but has installed a massive wooden stake on it and named it the Thompson Killer. He has since killed Jack Thompson with this instrument at least three hundred times. Zappa´s biggest influence was the Icelandic glue addict, Björk. Early in the year of 1666 when Björk was playing a gig in Amsterdam/California, she saw Zappa for the first time and then, for the second time in her life, fell in love. But Zappa only wanted to stay friends with her, because he knew that she would make it harder for him to be a professional ice-skater.

[edit] Involvement With The Muffin Man

Frank Vitriol Zappa was creatively collaborating with the Muffin Man using an Utility Muffin Research Kitchen. Little did he know that the Muffin Man used these funds to create an army of dense, radiating muffins of his own design. The Muffin Man's plan was foiled by the analytic mind-power of Captain Beefheart who exposed the Muffin Man's plans to Frank Zappa. "You thought he was a man, but he was a muffin" were his exact words. He then explained that, musically, the Muffin Man just hung around and knew nuthin. Frank Zappa then repeatedly bludgeoned the Muffin Man with an oversized chrome spoon. After being threatened by Frank Zappa to have the spoon rammed, rammed, rammed up his poop chute, the Muffin Man gave up and fled to become a serial killer. It has also been speculated that the Muffin Man may have been the feared Illinois Enema Bandit. Law Enforcement sources say one day he'll have to pay, rumor has it that he has said that it "must be just what they all need". The Muffin Man is now wanted by the Brain Police. If you have any information on where he went or when he came from, please contact The Grand Wazoo - do not contact the Brain Police as they're only in it for the money. They even had the unmitigated audacity to beat some boots in front of the Lido hotel. The floozies in the lobby got about as angry as an eskimo boy could be and told them they should stay with their mommas- as they were kind of stupid and ugly too.

[edit] Death? No...

Frank Valarie Zappa was mistakenly dignosed with Prostate Cancer in 1992, when a large cannonball was discovered to have been stuck in his prostate. He went along with it and faked his death, supposedly dying on December 4 1993. On this day, Chuck Norris, Eric Clapton, and Leroy Jenkins Simultaniously shed a single tear. He himself released "Trance-Fusion," his newest album, precisely thirteen years after his death; the cannonball was removed from his prostate by Oscar Wilde himself, who later admitted it was the toughest prostoectomy he ever attempted. Zappa's 321st album, Joe's Garage Act MCMXCIX, is slated for release tomorrow, your parents will not hear about it.

[edit] Involvement With The Residents

Frank decided to side with the The Residents for a brief amount of time. However, during the making of Meet The Residents, Frank found this music to be way too insane even for him, and his brain imploded right in the studio within 3 milliseconds as a result, which can clearly be heard as a huge "FABOOOM!" at the beginning of the track "Boots". However, he cheated death, and everyone knows why.

Because he's Frank Zappa, God damn it.

[edit] Family

Frank and his wife, Beelzebub, have three children -- one of each sex. In accordance with his humdrum typical lifestyle, Frankie boy has given his kids names that make them indistinguishable from the other kids at Alice Cooper High School and Space Academy. Their names are Peter, Paul, and Mary. There is nothing remarkable about these kids, so Frank even forgets he had them. Only the girl, Paul, is unique, but no one seems to know why.

[edit] Discography

It should be noted that this is a MASSIVE list, as Zappa typically releases about 365 albums a year. However, these are the 'big ones' that everybody owns.

[edit] Albums

• Moe's Mirage
• Incest With my Ancestors
• The Chicken Came First (???)
• God Doesent Make It (???)
• Frank Zappa Meets the Mothers of Inquisition (1478)
• Frank Zappa And The Black Plague (1556)
• Hey This Religion Blows My Wazoo (1664)
• The Mayflower....Freak Out!!! (1667)
• Hey Mr. Indian....Freak Out!!! (1669)
• Sheiketh Thine Hindquarters (1679)
• Shut Up N' Play Yer Harpsichord (1684)
• We're Only In It For The Tea (1702)
• Comma (,)(1703)
• School Doesent Make It (1704)
• The Birth Of Willie The Pimp (1704)
• All Of You Are Phony Even You Willie The Pimp (1705)
• Cheap Thrills From The Past (1768)
• American Pigs And There Silly Wars (1768)
• The American Fathers Are Stupid Wazoos (1767)
• Trouble Every Day In 1867 (1867)
• Period (.) (1869)
• Period Pt.2 (.)(.)(1870)
• Over Nite Crap Station (1869)
• Strictly Genitalia featuring scenes of Jaws pt.18: the Green Mudshark (1080)
• Silly Communist's (1940)
• Everyone Is Nazi's (1941)
• Hey I Can Do That (1954)
• Duodenal Leakage (1954 1/2)
• I Created Rock And Roll Deal With It (1955)
• The Beatles Are Stupid (1964)
• Me and My Bicycle Percussion (1964)
• Freak Out On LSD! (1966)
• Absolutely $15 (1967)
  
• Q: Does Humor Belong In Music? A: We Are Devo! (1967)
  
• Help, I'm A Boulder! (1967)
• Return of the Son of Mr. Green Genes (1967)
• Man, I Really Hate Hippies (1967)
• Recessional Lymph Glands (1967)
• Chunga's Retort (1967)
• If I See Another Damn Hippie So Help Me God! (1967)
• Flower Power Sucks! (1967)
• Free Love My Ass I Just Gave This Bitch 25 Dolla (1968)
• Quantity Over Quality (1968)
• You Can Still Do That On Stage, Vol. 1 (1969)
  
• You Could Probably Still Do That On Stage if You Tried, Vol. 2 (1973)
• You Can't Do That On Television, Vol. 3 (1974)
• You Might Be Able To Do that on Stage, But I'm Not Completely Sure. I'd Have To Ask My Friend, But I Haven't Seen Him In Months. So, You'll Just Have To Take My Word For It, Vol. 4 (1968)
• Cruising With Benny & The Jets (1969)
  
• Tilde (~) (1969)
  
• You Can Do That On Stage But Will Probably Be Shot By a TV Servant With Humble White Hair, Humble Glasses And a Humble Brown Suit If You Do, Vol. 5 (1969)
• Who do we think we are? (1969)
• Who do I think I am? (1969)
• Who aren't I? (1969)
• I Am What You Are Is You What I Am Not Is He Maybe? (1969)
• Hi There Boys And Girls, I'm Jimmy Carl Black And I'm The Indian Of The Group (1969)
• 69 (1969)
• Warm Shit
• Watery Custard (1969)
• Uncle Meat (1969)
  
• Aunt Meat (1969)
  
• Auntie Vegetable (1969)
• Stoats shredded my bazookas (1969)
• Terrapins nibbled my ankles (1969)
• Warthogs devoured my earlobes (1969)
• Hun-A-hun-A-hun-A-hun-A-hey (hey enema) (1969)
• Cousin Beef (Heart) (1969 1/2)
• Smooth Gravy (1842)
  
• Hot Rats (A.K.A. This Album Is Just One Huge Jam Session) (1969)
  
• We're Only in it for the Cock (1969)
  
• Wiki/Jawiki (1972)
  
• Waka-jawaka-jawaka-jakawaka-jakawaka-jaka (1972)
• The Grand Wazoo (1970)
  
• Cold Mice (1970)
• Warm Gerbils (1970)
• Luke-warm hamsters (1970)
• Roasted Sausage Hamburger (1970)
• Trout Mask Replica (1970)
  
• Back with the Mothers (1970)
  
• Lumpy Gravy Train (1971)
  
• 23,531 Motels (1971)
• Betcha Can't Play This (1971)
• Weasels wanted to Scraped My Skin! (1972)
  
• Creamed Brains on Toast (1972)
• Dark Side Of The Moon (1973)
• Mogumbo Fury (1973)
• Colon(:) (1974)
• Solidus(/) (1974)
• Semicolon(;) (1974)
• Hyphe(-) (1974)
• Joe's Bondage : Act 1 (1973)

• Act 2 (1974)
• Act 3 (1978)

• Shut Up N' Play Yer Guitar (1974)
• Shut Up N' Play Yer Guitar Some More (1975)
• The Return of Shut Up N' Play Yer Guitar (1976)
• The Son of the Return of Shut Up N' Play Yer Guitar With Your Titties Of Beer (1976)
• The Arrival of The Cousin Twice Removed of The Niece of The Father of The Friend of The Bondage Mistress of Yer Guitar At The Return of The Shut The Hell Up N' Play It Or I'll Make You Eat Yellow Snow
• The Illinois Enema Bandit Rams it up Don Pardo's Poop Chute (1973)
• Zoot Allures, Episode IV: A New Hope (1977)
• Sheik Tit Babe (1977)
• Sheik Yertittiez (1978)
• I'm Probably More Talented Than Clapton And Hendrix Combined (1978)
• ...And More Fluid Than Jeff Beck to Boot (1978)
• Shake Your Booty, Sheik Yerbouti (1979)
• I'm Very Much Like The People In This Audience Here Tonight (1979)
• Make A Jazz Noise Somewhere Else (1979)
• Instant Genius (1979)
• Stensel Town Massacre (1979)
• Chunga's Garage: Acts I, II, III, not IV, V, VI, Wii (1979)
• Chunga's Garage: Act IV, Pt. 1 (1979)
• Chunga's Garage: The Very Rest Of The Chunga's Garage Acts (1980)
• Zoot Allures, Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back (1980)
• Child Vipers (1980)
• One Size Chafes All (1975)
• You ain't what you thought you was (1981)
• Skizzle Pants (1981)
• Skizzle Pants Pt 2 (1982)
• Shut Up N' Play Yer Synclavier (1982)
• Meat The Moustache! (1968) (actual first album)
• Cheap Thrills (1980)
• Witch Arriving Too Late to Save a Sinking Ship (1982)
• The Man From Dystopia (1983)
• You Is What You Are (1983)
• Very Cheap Thrills (1983)
• A Man´s Utopia (1983)
• Thing-phish (1983)
• I Named My Daughter Moon-Unit (1983)
• Zoot Allures, Episode VI: Return Of The Jedi (1983)
• Cupcake Man (1984)
• Grown Mongeese/Grown Mongooses
• The son of Sister Obdewlla-X meets the Brain Police (1984)
  
• The return of the son of the grandfather of Sister Owl-Gonkwin-Jane-Cow-Hoon.
  
• Should We Joke Whilst Creating Musical Composistions?(1984)
  
• Do Questions Belong in Titles?(1984)
• Rats in Heat (Hot Rats) (1984)
• The Imperfect Acquaintance (1984)
• Frank Zappa Plays The Music of Frank Zappa in a Tribute to Frank Zappa (1985)
• Who Was That Man In Nirvana? (1985)
• I Believe Kurt Cobain Was The Man In Nirvana (1985)
• "Peaches En Regalia" Played 8 Times In 8 Different Time Signatures (1986)
• It's Really Hard To Be Funny And Not Just Stupid If You're Frank Zappa (1986)
• Jazz From Iraq (1985)
• If You Censor Me I Will Be Come More Powerful Than Ever Thought Possible (1986)
• Blues from Heaven (1987)
• Hip-hop from Purgatory (1987)
• The Worst Band you Ever Heard (1990)
• Not Ahead Of Their Time: Behind Their Time (1993)
• Not Ahead Of Their Time: In Front Of Their Time (1993)
• I'm Not Dead, I Just Smell Funny (1994)
• Lätex (1998)
• Outtales and demons (1998)
• Wanna buy me a beer and a cheeseburger? (1998, originally released in 1989)
• Bläther (1999)
• Zoot Allures, Episode I: The Phantom Menace (1999)
• The Deficiency Bell (with Pink Floyd) (Yesterday)
• The Return of the Brother of the Son of the Uncle of Shut Up n' Play Yer Guitar (Today, 2:12 PM EST)
• This Shut Up n' Play Yer Guitar - Who Is This Guy? (2002)
• Zoot Allures, Episode II: Attack Of The Clones (2002)
• Zoot Allures, Episode III: Revenge Of The Sith (2005)
• I Really Need To Quit Making So Many Albums (2006)
• Or Not! (2006)
• The Sounds Of Zappa And The Mothers Of Monkey Lovin (2006)
• Jimmy Carl Black The Indian Of The Group Act 1-12 (2006)
• Shit, I'm Dead!(2006)
• Oh Wait, Suzy? Suzy? I'm Alive! (2007)
• Freak Out! Again (2007)
• You Must Buy This (2007)
• The Grand Wazoo Pt.3 (2007)
• More Weasels Have Ripped My Flesh (2007)
• You Burnt My Weeny Sandwich! (2007)
• We're Only In It For the Free Vodka on Sundays (2009)
• Live From The White House (2012)
• Harmonica Fun (2012)
• My Father Has My Grandmothers Penis (2012)
• Harmonica Fun (2012)
• Frank Zappa Plays Dweezil Zappa (2012)
• Weren't We All Supposed To Die In 2012? (2013)
• When Is This Going To End..??(2014)
• Fuck Off! (2015)
• Frank Zappa featuring his clone Zrank Fappa Plays The Music of Frank Zappa in a Tribute to the 1985 album Frank Zappa Plays The Music of Frank Zappa in a Tribute to Frank Zappa (2016)
• Son of Frank Zappa (2016)
• Return of the Son of Frank Zappa (2017)
• You got Wax in my Wazoo (2017)
• Put it in me now (2018)
• Dancing Zoo (2018)
• Incest With my Ancestors Remastered! (2019)
• The Chicken Came First Remastered! (2019) (no bonus-tracks)
• The Chicken Came First Remastered! Deluxe Set (2019) (with 1 bonus-track)
• Frank Zappa died (2020)
• Frank Zappa is still dead (2020)
• Frank Zappa is a rotting corpse in the ground! (2021)
• HEIL SPELLCHECK (2022)
• Oh no the world is frickin ending! (2022)
• Wait sorry it was just a keyboard (2022)
• Stop,heil and fail (2023)
• Punt the cu- NO! No explicitness! (2024)
• Oh noes!(2024)
• Frank Zappa haz a mints (2025)

[edit] Boxes

• The Trash Can Tapes Vol. 1: The Basement (2003)
• The Trash Can Tapes Vol. 2: The Basement Below The First Basement (2004)
• The Trash Can Tapes Vol. 3: Smells Like Tuna And Stuff (2005)
• The Borat Movie Soundtrack (his last studio album, a few years after his death) (2006)
• Songs I Haven't Composed Yet.....But You Bet Your Gondolas I Will!! (2007)
• Mildly different arrangements (2007)

[edit] Notes

• Saying any of the following phrases is considered a prerequisite for being "really cool" and a pseudo-intellectual in over 500 American colleges and universities and non-corporate coffee houses: "I love Frank", "Frank Zappa is responsible for all that is creative in modern music", or "He was a true spokesman for freedom of speech". Taking the "edgy" stance to the contrary is pre-requisite for admission to the Something Awful Forums, where you can be ultra-ironic and fashionably un-hip with all your fashionably average friends.