Motorbikes

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Motorbikes are wicked. You can be wearing clown pants, have a computer mouse hanging out of your pocket, and be wearing Groucho Marx glasses, and you will still look cool on a motorbike. Henry Winkler is a small, nerdy man who likes tea and is named both Henry and Winkler, not to mention his middle name Franklin. But Henry Winkler plus a motorbike equals The Fonz, the coolest ethnic minority on television, who regularly had threesomes with high school girls before making them fuck off just by clicking his fingers. Such is the awesome power of motorbikes.

Evel Knievel was a hopeless loser who continually tried to jump over buses to impress people, but he could never clear even one. Then one day his brother Fah Knieval suggested he try it on a motorbike instead of just running up the ramp, and he was instantly transformed from loser to champion of the universe, even when he fell off. Try falling out of your car and still be considered a champion. It's not going to happen. See, motorbikes rock.

Guy Fawkes was a loser terrorist who is mostly remembered today only by British people who like to burn him in effigy and blow their own fingers off with fireworks just to spite him. Yet experts agree that if he'd had a motorbike, he'd have have golden statues dedicated to him on every street corner in the world today. If only they'd been invented while he was still alive.

Contents 1 History 2 Sex 3 Types of motorbikes 4 Types of motorcyclists 5 Enemies of Motorbikes

[edit] History

The concept of the motorcycle was first considered when researchers noticed that horses were kind of cool, but didn’t really get the researchers laid enough. They decided what was missing was a lot of really shiny stuff, and a roar like a Welsh chorus of lions. An experiment with feedbags containing a highly concentrated mixture of curry and beans proved disastrous, and the project was hastily shelved.

The pushbike was then developed, but despite the all-wood wheels and seat, they didn’t make a lot of noise, and pilots of these vehicles had to shout instead.

Finally the internal combustion engine was invented. Exactly half a second later, somebody had whacked one into his velocipede and died of sexual exhaustion three weeks later. He hadn’t even had a chance to start it. The design was further refined over the next century and a bit, providing coolness to thousands and transplantable organs to sick people across the world.

Uses of Motorcycles

• Looking cool
• Getting rained on
• Making tight little donuts on suburban streets
• Gaining sex
• Getting hailed on
• Riding between lanes during traffic jams and pissing the commuters off
• Getting snowed on
• Carrying large numbers of chickens to Asian city markets
• Getting sunburned on
• Gaining an immense feeling of freedom shortly before being crushed under a Volvo
• Getting frostbite on
• Getting killed on

And also occasionally

• Going places

[edit] Sex

Motorbikes have high visual thermodynamic transduction abilities. That is, they don’t just make you look cool, they also make you look hot. Unlike most things, this is equally true for both sexes. Anyone riding a motorbike can expect 30-75% more sexual interest than those not riding a motorbike.

However, it is very important to stop the motorbike before engaging in sexual activity, and for extra safety it might be a good idea to get off it as well.

[edit] Types of motorbikes

• Nakeds. A stock-standard street bike without fairings or other add-ons. Useful for people who are already pretty attractive, and like to drop the word “naked” into everyday conversation for innuendo
• Racing bikes. For riding really fast into the backs of trucks and sliding off sharp corners. The handlebars are set low so that the rider can lean down over the bike and show off their bums to appreciative spectators
• Tourers. Great big bikes great for picking up hot hitch hikers in the middle of nowhere, and for dropping on your leg and getting pinned there until six or seven people can get it off you
• Dirt bikes. For doing fun tricks like aerial flips and not sliding off corners, but getting girls to care can be difficult. Also, they sound like great big blowflies
• Cruisers. For concentrated sexual magnification, cruisers are unrivalled. They are also comfortable to sit on, but useful for bugger all else
• Scooters. A more sophisticated form of cool that has less raw sex appeal and more pretension. Mostly found in the inner city. But they’re still motorbikes and way cooler than everything on four wheels
• Pretend motorbikes. If you hold your hands up in front of you a bit like a zombie, and blow a really long raspberry as you run around in circles, it's a bit like you're riding a motorbike. Effects on sexual magnetism vary.

[edit] Types of motorcyclists

• Bikers. People addicted to riding. They often form clubs and go for long rides for no obvious reason. They can be identified by their blissful expressions whenever on two wheels and by the way their throttle hand twitches whenever they’re not on a motorbike. Almost as many bikers die of pneumonia from riding in unfavourable weather as in traffic accidents
• Bikies. Great big children who never grew up. They like their bikes loud, shiny, and exaggerated so everyone notices them. They always join clubs where they can be mean and tough together and go around breaking the law and stuff
• Commuters. Bikes are cheap to run and easy to park. Commuters can be recognised by the looks of abject terror on their faces
• Poseurs. If there was something ro ride that was cooler than a motorbike, they’d be on that instead. Maybe if rockets were more affordable or something. They couldn’t care less about how much fin a bike is or any of that other stuff, they just really need something to compensate for their lack of sexual ability. Recognisable by outfits that matches their bikes, their ridiculously audacious rides, and the organ transplant scars on lucky recipients

[edit] Enemies of Motorbikes

The following things will attempt to destroy motorbikes and their riders whenever possible:

• The weather
• Volvos
• Mazdas
• Soccer Moms
• Four wheel drives/SUVs
• Cars in general
• Trucks
• People using mobile phones
• Centrifugal force
• Trees
• Sign posts
• Cable safety barriers
• Oil slicks
• Puddles
• Dirt piles
• Insect swarms
• Low-flying birds
• Gravity

It is a well-known fact that motorcycles have the ability to turn themselves and their riders completely invisible to all other traffic except police officers, to whom the opposite effect occurs.

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