Mountain Meadows Massacre

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The Mountain Meadows Massacre, was a political campaign orchestrated by prominent political strategist, Dark-Side Mormon, and wabbit hunter, Karl Rove, in 1988. It is widely believed to be the first Dark-Side Mormon endeavor, and laid the groundwork for the principles of the Dark-Side Mormon Sect.

[edit] The Francer-Young Party

In the late 1960's, the hippie movement known as the Francer-Young Party was at its peak. With over 150 members and large amounts of capital obtained from selling kittens hybridized to maximize soul content, the Francer-Young Party began moving its pieces to take control of the federal government. However, the FBI quickly became privy to the Party's plans, and threatened to imprison its leader.

Faced with almost certain disbandment, the Francer-Young Party looked to the western frontier for asylum. Much of the frontier was as yet unexplored, and the top officials in the Francer-Young Party knew that they would be safe.

After stockpiling weapons and butter for some weeks, the Francer-Young Party set out from Nashville, Tennessee in the summer of 1968.

By 1971, the Party had progressed as far as Memphis. Should they make it past Missouri, they believed they would escape oppression, but they knew that at their current pace, it would take over 8 years to get that far. Worse, they knew that to be truly safe, they would need to get to Utah, which was notoriously Mormon country. Added to that was the risk of attacks by Indian immigrants.

[edit] Federal Response

Meanwhile, the FBI scoured the countryside for sign of the Francer-Young Party. Unable to find this target, many FBI officials resigned. In Washington, President Reilly issued an executive order to the military, ordering them to position their forces around Utah. He then drafted a treaty to present to the Mormons that said that should they harbor any hippie groups, they would be attacked immediately.

Congress struck this down, stating something about a constitution, and division of powers. The President crossed out the words "Mormon-American Treaty" at the top of the document, and instead wrote "Reilly Doctrine" on it in red crayon. It was immediately passed. The document was sent to the Mormons in Utah, who responded, insulted, saying that they "were also people", that they "didn't need America policing the world for [them]", and that they could "handle the hippie problem [themselves]".

[edit] Mormon Preparations

The Magnificent Mormo acted incensed that the U.S. would ask them to deliver the Francer-Young Party. But he was in fact merely angry at receiving the news that hippies would be entering his domain. He consulted his military advisers (war not being his thing) and finally came to the conclusion that cupcakes must be prepared, and also punch. Mormo was sure that the best way to handle the situation was the Mormon Way™.

Karl Rove, at the time still a member of the mainstream Mormon church but disagrees with them on small, piddling bits of doctrine such as THOU SHALT NOT KILL, disagreed. He believed that one could still be right with God after killing the innocent. But Mormo was not to be convinced. Rove took things into his own hands. He organized an army of Dark Side Mormons, dressing them to look like Indian immigrants. He conducted pushpoles suggesting that hippies may have "fathered illegitimate black children". He put fliers up around the poorer Indian immigrant areas, covered in peace signs and hippie slogans, which advertised "free beer, free food, girls and a good time for nothing," for a hippie rally that, of course, wouldn't take place.

[edit] The Massacre

When the Francer-Young Party reached Utah in 1988 they were met by bands of Dark Side Mormons dressed as Indians. They quickly saw through the shoddily-made costumes (some of which incorporated bizarre cultural stereotypes such as sockpuppet use and baseball cards). Even so, most of the Francer-Young Party's weapons had been expended on activities such as "shooting that duck over there" and "blowing something up" (both of these are atypical of hippie behavior, and it has been speculated that the hippies may have turned into rednecks during the journey by exposure to coonskin caps). In any case, each hippie was summarily executed. Rove himself killed over 37 of the women and children. Tony Blair, who participated in the massacre fondly recalls: "Karl would take a bite out of the flesh of one of the children and then stagger around yelling 'Brains!'. We got a kick out of that. Karl was always a comedian."

[edit] Aftermath

Because of the massacre, Mormo personally excommunicated Rove and the other conspirators. Most of the Mormons who joined Rove's army were euthanized, but not excommunicated, as per Mormon tradition. As one earlier Mormon leader states: "Excommunication sort of irrelevant when you're six under."

Rove went on to form the Dark-Side Mormon Sect, which is now more influential than the mainstream Mormon church, although it has fewer members.

Rove has said of the massacre that "it was a youthful prank at the age of 19 and I regret it," although he was later found to be lying.

He was 21 at the time.