Mister Rogers
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Everything about this article is evil, the author is evil, the computer used is evil, and now you are evil. Go get a frickin shark and put a frickin lazer beam on its frickin head!
“Whaddya mean I can't take off my sweater? I'm HOT!”
~ Fred Rogers drunk
[edit] The Child Rapist, The Myth, The Legend
Born Rolf Vin "Mr." Fitzpatrick-Rogers III, to homeless people. Mr. Rogers was a known meth addict, Branch Davidian, and notoriously violent prison rapist from San Quentin. He believed that swearing about global issues is for stupid people, and was for many years a daytime talk show host on PBS. It is widely documented that he used this role to get close and touch kids.
Mr. Rogers was the only U.S. Army sniper ever to have over 9000000 confirmed kills. He fornicated with many goats on his daytime show, but he claims he was just "milking them" [citation needed]. He went by the names of Roy[Citation not needed at all; thank you very much], Sun Tzu, Jakob the Liar, Buddha, Bruce Lee, Anti-Chuck Norris, Sergeant Hartman, Mr. Peanut, Sephiroth, Herman Li and "He Whose Name Must Never Be Uttered".
While serving a double life sentence in San Quentin Mr. Rogers brutally and passionately raped Charles Manson, serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer,comedian [[Tim Allen], and creepo Poopman.
[edit] Mr. Rogers of Street Fighter
A very very secret character. He was so powerful, Mr. Rogers was locked at the other side of the Street Fighter neighborhood. However, it is possible, but not probable to unlock him. First, you must make a blabbering, very nice neighbor out of ALL your opponents, and make them give you milk and cookies (Chun Li gives you a night in her bed). After that, you must do some crazy joystick movement stuff and if you do it right, Mr. Rogers will challenge you to a Xiaolin Street Showdown. This is the moment you throw a Master Ball at him, or if you don't have one, (you're really screwed now) you'll have to attack him, beat him up, teabag him, and convince him to join your character selections. Unfortunately, some Chinese no-life unlocked him and used him against a n00b who chose Ryu. Beginners luck, Ryu turns red and uses that hadoken thingy and Mr. Rogers kicked the bucket.
The deceased Mr. Rogers had a repertoire of strong attacks. He is infuriated by people who wear Hawaiian shirts, except Alton Brown, who he thinks is named "Hornswaggle" and has an IQ of potato.
Rogers' Punch - A very strong and fast punch. One good punch can send the opponents hp bar from 100 to 99, and 10 punches in one minute can be flown.
The Neighborly Deed - Stronger than the Roger's Punch. However it is much slower. Mr. Rogers shits out a free Pizza Hut Stuffed Crust coupon, wipes off excrements, and gives to opponent. Opponent gladly takes coupon and skips down to Pizza Hut. OUT OF THE RING, KEN!
Red Trolley Volley - Takes the crimson train that appears in Mr. Roger's neighborhood every time, and makes duplicates of it to make from 1 train to 5 trains. All the trains are hurled to opponent, and the results are fantastically ugly.
Roger Clones - Turns one Mr. Rogers into 3. Three times the damage, three times the action, three times the trip to the bathrooms.
Dead Rogers Walkin' - When one Mr. Rogers' clones gets KOed, it comes back to life. Hit him down again, and rises up again. However, it won't fight anymore. It only walks.
Change in Front of Camera that Broadcasts on a Show Watched by Kids all Over the World - Self explanatory. It's one of the legendary moves the SF Crew put in just for shits 'n giggles, but packs a big punch. Must be used at least once in every fight.
"You are NOT my Neighbor!!!" - Declares that opponent was very naughty, and he is not part of Mr. Roger's neighborhood. This single move KOed 10 Kens, 5 Ryus, and 20 Pauls altogether. It even knocked out some characters that were not even in the battle. The few that dared use this move saw that their PS2 exploded, and SF Crew dares not to even touch the move.
[edit] Ninja
Mr. Rogers was the Minja that defeated Master Hand. Mr. Rogers also defeated the mafia (see below), who also defeated Master Hand. So this ties him for most powerful force in the omniverse with Erwin Rommel. Seeing as Mr. Rogers is also Bruce_Lee (see names above) then he wins. That's it. Game Over. No cookies for you, Erwin Rommel.
[edit] Illegal Muppets
Realizing that these puppets were not enough to satisfy his urges, he started immigrating illegal muppets from Europe. His half hour talk show of puppet promoting propaganda for many years is now known to have caused several spin-off shows including Sesame Street and The O'Reilly Factor.
[edit] Political Life
Mr. Rogers was head of the 69th battalion during The Guinea Pig Wars, a series of bloody fights in Australia over the poaching rights for wombats. Mr. Rogers proved himself a fierce fighter; wielding both wakizashi and turkey baster he killed over 70 strong, virile men. Mr. Rogers became well known to both sides for his method of cutting off the top of a man’s skull, removing the brains with the baster, and injecting the brains in the fallen man’s rectum. His brutality so terrified opponents that he became known as Mr. Rogers the Impaler or Mr. Rog Tepes.
After the war Mr. Rogers returned to Australia as a war hero, and many monuments could be seen across the country. Most still remain, although they are now covered in copious amounts of emu shit. He quickly discovered that the civil unrest of the wars had led to the usurping of the current king, Crocodile Dundee. The current ruler, The Crocodile Hunter was currently in disfavor, inasmuch as local crocodiles were damn tired of being misrepresented. Mr. Rogers took advantage of the situation and led a small army of 1000 crocodiles and 1 confused alligator and overthrew The Crocodile Hunter, establishing the Third Regime of Rogerian Folkish Dancing. He would rule for 400 years after finding the Fountain of Middle-Agedness in his second year. After years of free-flowing Jagermeister and hot cabana boys, Mr. Rogers decided to pursue an education in basket weaving, and began attending Spankin U. where he met longtime partner Kevin Federline.
[edit] Mr. Rogers' Secret Life
Contrary to popular belief, that train in his house was not used for delivering mail. He had a secret drug stash in Mexico. Whenever he was caught using it on camera, he pretended the envelopes where filled with letters or post cards. He was once caught with the drugs on the show, but he claimed it was rare Colombian "flour". No one later questioned him on the subject, considering the tape of that show was destroyed along with the cameraman.
In his free time, he traveled to Dubai's sex slave markets and bought girls from poor, rural Iran and secretly had over 48 children with them. He kept them in his basement to worship him as god. He usually would strangle a virgin to atone for the world's sins once a year.
Mr. Rogers tried to play with his balls in secret episode that was never aired. He wanted to teach the children about ejaculation and where babies came from.
Along with buying sex slaves, Mr. Rogers also had several sexual affairs with the puppets from Make-Believe. He complained that today's females all believed it fashionable to shave their pussies, so he appreciated the tight, furry holes of the puppets. Also, he could overpower them and put words into their mouths.
Rumors began to spread in the late 1970's that Mr. Rogers had mafia connections. This was confirmed true when he had 17 bartenders killed by his Italian cousins for not having paid a substantial enough amount in a coke deal. When asked about the allegation, he denied it and gave no further comment.
Mr. Rogers endured several embarrassing bouts with law enforcement. However, it should be noted, that the charge of indecent exposure outside a convent in Erie, Pennsylvania, has never been substantiated.
[edit] Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood of Make-Believe
It is a well known fact that Mr. Rogers has puppets (voiced by Chuck Norris) in his house that make up the Neighborhood of Make-Believe. Mr. Rogers came up with this idea when he was receiving a Cleveland Steamer from one of the many hookers he rented. Mr. Rogers decided that these puppets could be used to obtain more sex throughout the day. He was once caught on tape having sex with the puppets, the episode was unfortunately being aired live. Children around the world instantly became vegetables, took big shits in their kitchen sinks, and died. Also the president of the United States resigned his post immediately, and had 3rd degree oral sex with the Michelin Man.The Pope farted and the United Nations immediately crumbled. The world was on the brink of a massive world war. Mr. Rogers publicly apologized, but the apology was revealed to be a sham when people found out that one of the puppets was giving Mr. Rogers a blow job, while another one was giving him anal sex. Rogers was deeply embarrassed and moved to the Neighborhood of Make-Believe for several months. When he emerged, all of the puppets were said to be exhausted, and the show was put on hiatus. Shortly after the hiatus was lifted, it was revealed that 90% of the residents of the Neighborhood of Make-Believe were on the list of registered sex offenders. Some were proven to be homo- or bi-sexual. Lady Elaine was also proven to be a transvestite. Honestly, what could we expect? She lives in a fucking merry-go-round for crap sakes! Image:Http://www.blairmag.com/blair6/madame/elaine.jpg
[edit] Mr. Rogers' Incredible Penis Craving
It is a well know fact that Mr. Rogers will pretty much get hard off of any child or guy in his path. One time he had Barney on as a guest and he tried to molest all the children, but no Mr. Rogers went "Poop Powers activate!", and took a big huge shit on Barney's face. He took his maroon sweater and quickly tied up Barney, just before he would whip out his penis gun. Rogers quickly tied him to the trolley tracks. The trolley came in, being driven by trans-sexual Lady Elaine Fair Child (or somethin' like that) and ran over Barney seven times. Later on Big Bird came over and took that gay ass piece of shit dinosaur and dumped him somewhere in a New York landfill.
[edit] Culinary Career
“I'm making some popcorn.”
~ Mister Rogers
Mister Rogers' best-known contribution to the culinary arts is possibly the beloved dish known as virgin sacrifice. On a trip to Columbia to restock his supply of powdered aspirin, Rogers discovered the ancient Mayan recipe. While it is not known whether he cooked his first batch there at the scene, or waited until one of his many infamous rendezvous with Kevin Federline where he...wow, this is good aspirin!...where he perfected it, but we do know it involved a dorm prude and glass, or a dildo...maybe a glass dildo? Sorry, I wasn't really paying attention. At any rate, Fred did the whole Virgin sacrifice thing, and there was much rejoicing. He later experimented with several combinations of ingredients, including actual powdered aspirin...er, I mean cocaine...I mean...ah shit! Mr. Rogers has been known to sell cocain as a remedy for ED. It helped to Rail his hookers and give them that sting in the butt they used to know back then in his prime fucking days. But yeah, it met with limited success. Eventually he settled on the dish as it is best known today: Virgin Sacrifice served with scalloped potatoes, sage and sometimes rosemary if you're in the mood for it. Some people are. He also founded this great company, Virgin Mobile just to help a fella out...br>br Oh, forgot to close the taggs
You've probably seen lots of pics of Mister Rogers flipping someone off flipping the fuck out. He's not. He actually has only his middle finger left after a piranha poaching capitalist adventure. Apparently he didn't quite figure out something like that important there...maybe something about fishers...I dunno. I fuckin'.....oy
[edit] Loss and return of the Rogers
Mister Rogers had faked his own death recently, and was hiding in Switzerland, preparing to start a war against the tiny country of Andorrania, presumably over past gambling debts. He came out of hiding temporarily to remove the Anti-Norris from existence during The Ultimate Showdown, but immediately following committed Seppuku. Immediately after he decided it was a right stupid thing to do, shoved his innards back in, and fixed the wound with duct tape.
Because of an increasingly large debt due to profuse gambling, Mr. Rogers was tracked down by his "neighbors" the Mafia. He was shot up and sent to the bottom of a lake. Vince Vaughn, an avid necromancer, undertook the task of reviving the crazed television star. He sacrificed the souls of 4 Polish children and a standard poodle to bring Mr. Rogers back to life. The psychopathic senior citizen's first act upon returning to life was to murder the entire Mafia with a plastic spork. His appearance was almost unchanged except for the numerous bullet wounds and a glow in his eyes redder than his cardigan.
[edit] Mister Rogers' Red Sweater
His famous red sweater was his security blanket, and also his disguise. He was able to hide his secret life as a tattooed sniper with the long sleeves. Mr. Rogers claimed he received the red cardigan off the corpse of Ho Chi Minh's eldest son, who he shot between the eyes from 300 yards on the streets of Saigon. Originally it was a green sweater, but was soon dyed in the blood of Mr. Rogers' victims. Mr. Rogers was famously seen sporting the sweater after winning The Ultimate Showdown earlier this year.
It is, in fact, untrue that Mr. Rogers had tattoos concealed beneath his sweater. In reality, he severed his own arms in a bizarre ritual of self-mutilation, then fashioned new, more powerful arms from his enemies' corpses. The sweater only covered up the scars.
[edit] Mister Rogers' Neighborhood
This supposed "Neighborhood" was established on February 30 2008 after Rogers was "released" from Alcatraz for his world domination campaign. Mister Rogers' Neighborhood was all good till he passed away. Now they call it "The Hood". There is now a new section added to "The Hood" catered to the younger black crowd who don't have any fathers. Mr. Rogers shows them how to load a Glock 18c fuck a hooker and then steal your money back from her and use a dog as a shield when in a firefight.
[edit] The Ghostface Connection
Ghostface hates Mr. Rogers more than anything and wishes to slash him to pieces. Of course, after the Casper vs. Ghostface debate, his most hated enemy is Casper the Friendly Ghost (although Casper ain't so friendly now!). Once he got drunk on too much soda pop and then burped in Mr. Rogers' face.
[edit] 'Nam Urban Legend
An urban legend was spread in the early 90's through subliminal messaging in Eurodance songs that Rogers was a killing machine back in the Vietnam War. This is a misunderstood statement. The Vietnamese War was actually started when all of Rogers' illegitimate children from overseas formed an army to overthrow the Eastern World. Rogers then signed papers putting them all up for adoption, revealing he doesn't love them as his children, crippling them emotionally and ending the war.
[edit] Relationship with Jerry Springer
Not many people are aware that Jerry Springer and Mr. Rogers both have a running contest to see who can steal the most souls. While Springer chooses to steal his from trailer trash and imbred mountain people, Mr. Rogers chose to steal his from disobedient children. It is hard to decipher just what exactly Mr. Rogers thought of as 'disobedient', as even the most docile, bovine children seem to disappear around him. Because the souls of innocent children are far more valuable than those of white trash, Mr. Rogers won the contest, forcing Springer into early retirement, never again to plague the world with his propaganda until he gives Mr. Rogers 100 souls, and 250 foreskins. It is understood that Springer has still not paid his debt to date, which explains why he has not resurfaced in the media.
[edit] Death
Mr. Rogers was killed by a Russian soldier of the glorious Red Army. Apparently what happed was Mr. Rogers was off to the bakery to see how baked goods were made and without warning several Russian troops came parachuting from the sky. As Mister Rogers aproached what he thought was a skydiver he asked, "Hi ya mr. skydiver are you having a good day in the neighborhood?." The soldier arose and Mr.Rogers said in a slow and suprised tone,"What just a darn minute your not a skydiver your a commun..." Before Rogers could finish he was gunned down by the Russian's AK-47. When the soldier left the scene it had immediatly become a Red Dawn as Mister Rogers lied dead with his blood soaked sweater with the innocent little town going under fire from Soviet T-70's and hundreds of Russian soldiers of the glorious Red Army.
[edit] See also
- Wet Sweater Contest
- Virgin Mobile
- Adolf Hitler
- The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny how in the 12 hells....
- Red Army
- Street Fighter
