Muffin
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“There is naught nor ought there be nothing so exalted on the face of gods great
Earth as that prince of foods... the muffin!”
~ Frank Zappa and Captain Beefhart on The Muffin Man
“Life is an oven and we're all just muffins, so lets get baked!”
~ Stoner on Muffins
“I did not rape the muffins.”
“Muffins are healthy.”
~ Healthy Crap on Muffins
“Muffins effing rock.”
~ Anyone with common sense on Muffins
“Farg Muffins!”
~ A common 0hnodiwu expression
“Ah Munna Eachoo!!!!”
~ Evil Muffin
The muffin is a special fluff ball of chemical goodness designed to clear the mind of evil thoughts and bring happiness to everyone... even the somewhat crazy people that spend their time making a page about muffins.
Contents |
[edit] What is a Muffin?
What is a muffin you say? If you actually asked this question, then obviously you are a fool. As said from above, it's a magical ball of fluff, 'nuff said. Why do we bother to make muffins? Because they taste very good, and melt gently in your mouth. You just pop the muffin in, and all sixty of your senses are heightened to previously unattainable levels of sheer bliss, created by Wolphin. It also one of the most beautiful beings alive, it has a beautiufl soul, and unlike other disgusting treats, such as evil cookies and cupcakes, muffins love everyone and will ALLOW you to eat them.
Muffins are also used in the process of Muffgasm, an addictive way of transendence to a higher plain of existance.
[edit] Muffins are Intelligently Designed
This was not the original design for the muffin; infact the first muffin was shaped something like a square. We live on a planet we can't leave. We must conserve and protect our limited supply of magical fluff. Fluff balls are good balls of fluffy goodness, providing the world with the nutricious fluff that is sought after by fluffy lovers around the world
[edit] The controversial argument about the English Muffin
Many people argue that the English muffin was never made in England, and there is evidence showing that this is true. English muffin believers think that the English muffin was made in England by an English dude, but the English muffin itself was an absolute secret. The English muffin was originally constructed from the magical fluff balls that we know and love today. But back in England, magical fluff balls were considered more precious than gold, as alleged by the EPED (English Peeps full of English Dudes). The EPED realized that England's muffin-based economy was total crap, and they infact had no gold at all, or even muffins, but they oddly had quite a lot of magical English fluff balls (they were called English fluff balls in England, crazy English brits) buried deep underground. And so the Great English Fluff Ball rush started. And everyone purchased shovels and picks and blasting caps and dynamite and miner helmets with the battery-powered headlights and proceeded to dig themselves some magical fluff balls. And so all was well.
Until they ran out.
Panic struck the panic-stricken streets. But one man hoarded plenty of fluff balls by not using them for money; he used them for food. Surely if anyone important knew about this, his ass would be grass. But where did all those English muffins go? Huh? They went to the Buddhist Monks of Monkland at the shore of Buddhaville. They were amazed at the amazing taste of them, and declared them Buddha's breakfast of choice.
[edit] Popular Muffin Flavors
- Beautiful Berry
- Juicy chocolate
- Bits O'Glass
- Wakakaka muffins
- Bits O'Glass (Now with Raisins!)
- Beef-o-muffin
- The rest are currently being created at the Muffin Kingdom
- Uber Muffins
- Ninja Pirate Muffins (Now with Ninja Pirate Starrr flakes)
- 2 Girls 1 Cup Muffin
- Bloobury
- Strawbury
- Blood
- Imaginary
- Hash muffin
[edit] Muffins At War
Late last Tuesday, all the baked goods and other food categories petitioned the United Nations to declare peace forever. And there they gave up their weapons of mass destruction and all hugged and kissed. Three minutes later, the evil cupcake king decided that he would be rebellious and so he took out his pocket knife to try to stab the Muffin Queen in her fluffy ball like centre. But he suddenly realized that he foolishly gave it away three minutes ago. Trying to find some sort of weapon, he came across a flat and mushy, so not at all like fluffy balls, pancake lying on the floor. With all his might, he threw it at the Muffin Queen, and so the Great Muffin War was declared, which lasted 64++ years, killing many young muffins and other baked goods, as well as other miscellaneous food items. It was solved in 2098, when the Muffin Man came to the rescue and flew down to earth, with his gathered allies (the sushi sorcerer and his magical minions and the pancake pixie with her pixie dust). A great battle then ensued, where the cupcakes who had hypnotized the foolish cookies into being on their side fought against Muffin Man and the Muffin Queen as well as their allies. The great battle lasted several minutes, until the Cupcake King realised that he was out of poison icing and went to go watch the Teletubbies.
So till this very day, there is still a war going on between the cupcakes and muffins, and the sides have always been the same. The sushi and pancakes and muffins against the cupcakes and cookies (although the cookies are still under a hypnotic trance since they do not seem to have the will or maybe brain power to break it).
[edit] Muffins On The Internet
The inventive spirit of muffins has been chronicled beginning as far back as prehistory. During the reign of Julius Caesar, the famous philosopher Muffinicus Mothafuckinawesumus built the first DSL Router out of 4 Christians and a block of lead. Since then, muffin scientists have owned the living shit out of Al Gore in regard to furthering the continued development of technology in our society. Since muffins have pretty much finished the Internet, they have turned their attentions towards using it to promoting the Muffin Agenda. While no human may know the true nature of their secret plans, we have been allowed to glimpse components such as crap like this. Obvious propaganda methods were identified early, but human scientists were unable to delete the files due to some kind of wicked good spyware installed on their machines.
