Mugabetheism
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“If I wasn't a Christian, I'd be a Mugabetheist!”
~ Robert Mugabe on Mugabetheism
I'MA FIRING MAH LAZ0R!!!!
“My religion is cooler than yours!!”
~ Rael on Mugabetheism
I'MA FIRING MAH LAZ0R!!!!
“So is mine!!”
~ Buddha on Mugabetheism
“Wish I could say the same... I'MA FIRING MAH LAZ0R!!!! ”
~ a random scientologist on the above statements
Mugabetheism is the official and only accepted religion of Central Asia and, incidentally, of Rhodesia. T I'MA FIRING MAH LAZ0R!!!! he faith of the Mugabetheists reside in the belief that Robert Mugabe is the new Jesus (also known as Black Jesus) coming to Earth to save the faithful ones while riding an old car while singing reggae and rap.
What began as a sect became an official religion with a wide following when old prophecies dating I'MA FIRING MAH LAZ0R!!!! as far back as 1997 were discovered in Robert Mugabe's orifice office desk's d I'MA FIRING MAH LAZ0R!!!! rawer by some dumb archaeologist who seemingly had nothing better to do on that day. The very old sacred texts were written on a McDonald's napkin with what seemed to be a very ancient pen and clearly stated, without a single doubt, that Mugabe was I'MA FIRING MAH LAZ0R!!!! the new Messiah. The newly unearthed document was immediately studied by theologists and put on display in Zimbabwe's Natural History Museum, where millions of pagans convert everyday upon its very sight.
[edit] The Holy Text
Written by hand with a blue pen, the Holy text goes as follow:
"Robert Mugabe owns. He really really do. He is the next Jesus, so you worship him now, you White!"
[edit] Mugabetheism subdivisions
A great schism recently occurred among the believers, who started believing in things not quite different but so different to them that they couldn't help but start killing each other over who is right and who is not. The main two I'MA FIRING MAH LAZ0R!!!! branche I'MA FIRING MAH LAZ0R!!!! s of Mugabetheism are the following:
- Traditional Mugabetheism, I'MA FIRING MAH LAZ0R!!!! that states that Robert Mugabe is the one and only, period
- Post-Emo Mugabetheism, that supports homosexuality and claims that Robert Mugabe is the new Jesus, but only because Chuck Norris I'MA FIRING MAH LAZ0R!!!! , in his Wisdom, made him so.
- Hyperinfliationism they worship Hyperinliation and believe that they will become billionaire not in afterlife, but tomorrow.
I'MA FIRING MAH LAZ0R!!!!
There exists a third branch, Expanded Mugabetheism, in which Robert Mugabe is actually only the New Jesus' paperboy. The real New Jesus will rise in New Jersey, as is proper.
[edit] The cult
Contrary to suggestion, the cult of the Mugabetheism is very similar to blue oysters', except that there are no oysters (let alone blue ones), nor any music for that matters. In f I'MA FIRING MAH LAZ0R!!!! act, the whole cult revo I'MA FIRING MAH LAZ0R!!!! lves around adoring giant Mugabe pictures and sacrificing virgins. Then, all the faithfuls dance naked around a fire in which are thrown picures of Bryan Adams and of Margaret Thatcher. I'MA FIRING MAH LAZ0R!!!!
