Music
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Music comes in many forms: Manufactured, Manipulated, and Michael Jackson. In addition to that, there is also Muzak, a recent hybrid of music and Prozac. Music is known to produce many different effects within the human brain area. Effects range from hysteria to mild agitation. Some of these effects are known as unpredictable. For example, if this page was music, you would probably experience confusion.
While the meaning of the term "music" is widely argued, it's really just trendy sounds played in repetitive manner. To make it simpler, music can be the sounds that come out when you go to the toilet (but only if they're done in a repetitive manner).
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[edit] History and Theory
Most people think music was probably invented by Lord Kelvin, William Thomson in 2010, when he published his landmark paper On the dynamical theory of beat. This contained the First and Second Laws of Music. Thomson was dragged into a bitter priority dispute with Beefcake the Mighty, but by stringing dinosaur guts across the Grand Canyon, managed to lay the controversy to rest. His Laws remain in use to this day. They are:
- The quality of Music in the universe remains constant
- The number of musical pieces is always increasing.
If all musical pieces in the world share the quality of music equally, these laws tell us that whenever new music is made, its quality becomes less than those made before. The laws are the cornerstone of modern Music Group Theory, a major branch of music research. Just two years after Thomson's discovery, MC Hammer and his trusty Joystick, Richard, climbed Benny Hill to haggle with God. After agreeing to take Cash, the first three laws of musical instruments were surrendered unto the people of the Globe`. These are as follows:
- A musical instrument may not injure a musician or, through inaction, allow a musician to come to harm.
- A musical instrument must obey orders given it by musicians except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.
- A musical instrument must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law, or when airline baggage handlers are involved.
These rules have never worked successfully. As a result, we have starving musicians. Across the world, instruments go without regular tuning. Deaths due to Piano abuse are commonplace and illegal chord changes are out of control.
Only in the last ten years has music become so repetitive and boring that Pop Music was placed in the Webster Dicitonary under absolute shit and as the only two words on spoof website Wikipedia's page "Banned torture methods".
Most musicians are now just as talented as dead hookers. They lack the orginality, witty word play or genitals with which to create music. On the issue of 'Absolute Shit', Led Zeppelin frontman Robert Plant was quoted, "I will Fuck someone for 72 straight hours in the 7/8 time signature, if another band puts "the" at the beginning of their name!". Moments later The White Stripes, The Hives, and The Vines announced release dates for their new albums respectively. Robert Plant was later found hopped up on LSD, chasing Anthony Hopkins naked and erect through the House of Commons.
In the Music Reporting Year 2048-49, other significant Music-related causes of death included choking on tuba, ruptured bagpipe angioplasty, accordion lodged in lower abdomen and banjo shredding. The most renowned practitioners of banjo shredding are the Jarl Olaf Svenson and the Tricksters. Their 'less lethal' approach is gaining widespread acceptance and it is hoped that this cause of death can be eradicated before too long.
There is also a theory that the first music was death metal. This branched off into folk music, gospel, and classical. Folk music stayed they same as it is now, rock and roll branched into the blues, and classical branched off into rap.
[edit] MTV
MTV was started circa 1740. These days, the best way to discover new music is to tune into MTV. Some music does the same thing over and over again - music by Philip Glass, for example. You will not hear such music on MTV unless you are on drugs. MTV also stands for Music, Tunes and Vocabulary, and none of them is seen in their shows.
MTV broadcasts several types of music, including:
- Music with hot girls wiggling their asses.
- Music with black people and whiggers looking menacing.
- Music with black people and whiggers people wearing huge bling bling, err, bling.
- Music about pimping.
- Music with sucky gay boy bands orientated to female audience.
- Music that appears to be alternative to not-music.
- Music with rappers spilling Champagne.
MTV also has a program called "Headbanger's Ball," which attempts and fails miserably at playing metal. Its main purpose is to give teenage-angst ridden preteens a way to "express themselves," which basically means piss off their parents. Anyone who truly likes metal runs from this program, as does most of MTV's target audience, so this program is angled towards those people with nothing better to do at two in the morning than watch shitty music on the television.
Besides Music, MTV features a lot of non-music programs, including:
- Christina Aguilera
- Britney Spears
- rap
- Eminem
- Jessica Simpson
- 50 Cent
- Mariah Carey. Mariah Carey has been also used as a torture method in some primitive countries.
[edit] Freedom
- Main article: Xenharmony
“One likes to believe in the commercialism of music, but plummeting prices and endless corporate crises shatter the illusion of improbity.”
~ Oscar Wilde on RIAA
Perhaps the most amazing thing about modern music is that it is completely beautifidelity. The record companies are all non-profit since Napster came along and showed them the light. In return the American public have learned to make charitable donations to the new non-profit companies to support the music they love. The result is a rebirth of quality in the music scene now that the money hungry pop stars have no reason to record their poison. The exceptions to this rule are hip hop, which must be paid for or I'll pop a cap in your ass and Alice Cooper who recorded poison anyway leading to many cases of hospitalisation in the late 1980's.
[edit] Problems
Music has also been blamed for causing a wide variety of social and psychological problems. For example:
- Nickelback
- James Blunt - pop music's biggest rhyming slang.
- Simple Plan
- Avril Lavigne
- Duran Duran
- The faces of many musicians, especially the jazz ones, become screwed up and contorted whilst performing, due to sudden constipation brought on by musical frequencies resonating in their bowels.
- This condition can also affect the feet and fingers, which engage in a relentless tapping motion. They often have to be transplanted as a result.
- There is a continuous low-level warfare always going on between composers, performers, and conductors. Performers attack composers by butchering their music mercilessly, but composers, for their part, treat performers like dirt, writing stuff no human could reasonably be expected to perform. According to reliable sources, Handel had no respect whatsoever for the vocalist. Performers initially had the advantage in this war, but then the composers enlisted help from conductors, and the sides are now more or less even. Nonetheless, many innocent concerts have died in this war, and the listeners have been subjected to much suffering.
The score of this Classical piece is a perfect example of how composers treat performers like dirt. No human being could ever perform this piece perfectly as written, and the last android who attempted it exploded in a puff of greasy black smoke.
- Many musicians die at the age of twenty-seven. This age, which is above average in terms of general human life expectancy, is reached through the intake of industrial amounts of drugs. See Keith Richards as an example of how taking more than your fair share of drugs can increase your life expectancy.
- Singers with high-pitched voices can sing so high that they can shatter glass, unlock doors and even make objects move. Burglars in Philadelphia recently kidnapped famed Kiwi singer Kiri Te Kanawa and forced her to sing outside people's houses at gunpoint in order to break the windows and remove the expensive household items without touching them. The plot was foiled when dozens of neighbours recognized her voice and came out asking for her autograph.
- Music can only cope with letters c-g (and a & b). Consequently, music is limited in terms of the words and concepts that can be expressed. Words that can be used include cabbage, egg, feed, abba, AC/DC, beg, bag, and abcdefg. German composers, due to certain genetic differences (notably, a greater ability to spit in public), are able to use the letter h, which allows for additional expressiveness, but as a result their music must be adapted and translated for use by non-German performers. Some composers are not willing to have their work performed outside of Germany for this reason, as they feel that it cheapens their work. Adolph Hitler attempted to expand the borders of Germany, so as to allow the use of the letter h throughout Europe. His attempts were unsuccessful, and the reasons why are a major subject of debate among students of music history.
[edit] New Musical Keys
Rarely has there ever been created, a new musical key, however two extremists from a Pre-Baroque cess pool have done it. It is called the key of Swiëggën Swiäggen, and it is good. They had 'The Key, The Secret' and they weren't afraid to use it.
Unfortunately, attempts to construct music from a car key has thus far been unsuccessful.
On February 9, 2007 Fall Out Boy released "Infinity on High", which was the first album to ever be released that is entirely in the key of shit. Unfortunately this inspired a generation of 'copy-cats' whose extreme obsession with the music led many to take it too literally. For instance, in early April, 14 youths were arrested in Putney for harvesting limbs from dead Bunnies to be used in a relay race later that week. Mariah Carey was used in their punishment and, weeping saccharine tears, they promised not to use such cute and fluffy animals next time.
The second band ever to release a redord entirely in the key of shit where Bring me the Horizon, although they often show signs of creeping into they key of Mayjor Shit, but, to go fully into mayjor shit, would cause world wide riots. This has only occured once, in 1914 - 1918 in France, when the Germans decided to go to the French border and play Nickelback on repeat. This is now know as the First World War, and schools tend to teach a more Nickelback friendly approach to the war.
[edit] Genres
The following are identified genres of music. Many more exist, but have yet to be defined and/or discovered and/or named.
- Indie
- Classical music
- Rock music
- Flatulence
- Hip Hop*
- Electronic music
- Pop
- Country music
- Ska
- Del Crappo
- Polka*
- Folk Music
- Salsa*
- Grunge
- Punk... FUGEDABOIT!
- Emocore
- Disco
*These are believed to not be forms of music
[edit] Music tastes
Music comes in many different flavors, and often differs greatly with tradition of the region you're eating in. Plain, pickled and salted music has been around for thousands of years, only recently has science begun experimenting with MSG flavored music. Brand name music often comes in the following tastes:
[edit] Musical Instruments
First known recording of an asscan is on the hit single "Poor, Poor Grandma Ann, Broke Her Back On A Garbage Can" by Frank Sinatra
- Air Guitar
- Bagpipes
- Banjo
- Bass Guitar
- Bass Triangle
- Bottle Cap Stick Shaker Thing
- Cowbell
- Devil's snare
- Gary Numan
- Guitar
- Hollowed-out penis
- Keyboard
- Marmitophone
- Mom
- King Diamond
- Mellotron
- METAL Trash cans (not plastic)
- Singing Saw
- Saxomaphone
- tricycle
- ukulele
- Whatchamaphone
[edit] Insanely Popular Musicians
Some musicians have managed to define a genre, to the extent that they are worshipped by the masses. You should not attempt to criticise them, as hideous death will follow.
- METALLICCAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!
- Iron Maiden
- Elvis
- The Ramones
- The Beatles
- The Who
- Black Sabbath
- King Diamond
- Rage Against the Machine
[edit] Musicians
- Beethoven
- 1985 Chicago Bears Shufflin' Crew
- Maltloaf
- George Formby
- Cliff Burton
- Shane McGowan
- Mozart
- Michael Jackson
- GWAR
- Pat And Mick
- Philip Glass
- David Bowie
[edit] Less Popular Musicians
- Thomas Hobbes & The Pessimists
- Prince
- Weird Al Yankovic
- Bright Red Paper
- John Miles
- Rahzark
- Osama Bin Laden
- any Rapper
- My Chemical Romance
- Lars Ulrich
- George Michael
[edit] Different Definitions of Music
A large group of people has a different view of what is good music. This movement is lead by A.Olafsen, and the group is growing larger every day. There is only one other group of people who likes this type of music, the deafs. The musics early roots comes from a great composer, Stockhausen, who composed a piece (or masterpiece as this group would call it), the piece "Helikopter Steichquartett". This piece is preformed by four helicopters starting the engines in a special sequense. That, of course, result in terrible noise, and this is the groundwall of the type of music this group likes. This piece of Stockhausen is wery rare, but you can achieve almoast the same result by turning on your old radio and tune up and down listening to the white noise. Another name of this music-genre is techno
