Benito Mussolini

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	This article was written by a fascist.
	If you don't laugh, we'll execute five prisoners!

“The only thing I ever learnt from studying history, is that it makes fascism a hell of a lot harder. I mean, people learning from their mistakes has taken all the fun out of tyranny. ”

~ Benito Mussolini on The study of History

“Matteotti? Oh yeah, he's a great chum, we go way back. Dead you say? My, I'm mortified.”

~ Benito Mussolini, trying to hold in the chuckles

“I awoke from a one night stand in the seedy side of Naples once and asked for some yoghurt and museli for breakfast. They looked at me as if I'd hung their horse. Although milk just doesn't work quite as well, I added "Dulce?". Things deteriorated from thereon in ”

~ Oscar Wilde on getting run out of yet another rural town, although not altogether sure why

“Many people have confused him with a breakfeast cereal. Many people have confused him with an obscure pasta. Many people had confused him with some sort of mollusk. Indeed, his nickname has led to his confusion with a certain feminine hygiene product (no stranger to me I may add); And this is what he means to them. But to me, he was and will remain a hero.”

~ Bill O'Reilly on Benny "Il Dush" Muselini, Eulogy at April 6th Funeral in '06

Benito Mussolini (aka Il Duce and The Big Bambino,or even Musso the Maus) was the Fascist dictator of Italy during World War II. Bonito Mussolini was named after a kind of tuna fish. He was born in the year 1726 and died of natural causes 800 years later.[1]

[edit] Early life

He grew up in Moosejaw, Saskatchewan, where his family owned a beanbag chair factory. As a lad, Mussolini was a crazy bastard who dabbled in lots of drugs including pot, opium, Topps Trading Cards, and cocaine. He was in and out of first grade because of his addictions to white glue and crayons. His parents did not know what to do with young Benny, so they castrated him with an apple corer and sent him to become a Shaolin Monk. With his monk skills honed in training, he was groomed to become a politician. With his super monk-skills, he was able to fling scissors around his classroom and target classmates. He eventually hit one and earned his first MS (Monk Star).

[edit] Political career

Benito Mussolini's innovative policies led to the development of what life would suck without: Fascism. Who doesn't love a good fascist? He soon became known as "Il Duce", which is Italian for "douche bag". Those closest to him testified later that he always had a strange odor, similar to that of fried plantains, and that he became violently angry when asked about it.

Unbeknownst to most people, the Canadian-born Mussolini didn't really speak Italian, but by waving his arms around wildly while shouting gibberish, he became known as an orator. His lack of cultural knowledge led to his death, because he believed that being pulled out of a car, hung by the feet and publicly beaten was an Italian gesture of respect.

His infamous alliance to Hitler, begun in a gay chatroom, resulted in the creation of the Axis Powers, as well as many notable macrame plant holders. This partnership was mainly engineered by Mussolini due to deteriorating relations with the Jewish people, and an abiding fear of Lithuanians. Historians widely agree that the cause of these poor relations was due to the pizza bagel, quickly becoming a culinary giant after its discovery by Albert Einstein in 1932 (the pizza bagel would go on to become an integral part of nuclear technology). Italy is home to the largest concentration of people who frequently eat pizza of a higher quality than Pizza Hut, thus creating an environment of animosity whereas the pizza bagel was received well in many other parts of the world. Like the Bubonic plague and Barry Manilow in the past, this was a problem that was easy to blame on Jews, because they are there and they are not us. Some think a new world war will be the ultimate result of modern things morons do to pizza (such as peanut butter and jelly and e. coli as toppings.)

A minority of historians believe that the largest factor contributing to this animosity was not pizza bagels, but the fact that Seinfeld had higher ratings than Everybody Loves Raymond.

[edit] March On Rome

In 1931BC an event took place that would shake the foundation of our very earth, Benito "Moose" Mussolini proved to the entire country of It Taly that there King "Whats his face" was a bitch...who knew. When the king got word of such a march he lost it, he ran around the entire castle telling each and every person that if they had anything to do with the march he would "Rape there shit", to this day that threat has topped almost every "Top 100 Threat" lists around the globe. Although Benito did not need to go threw with the March on the Romez, he did it anyway and what a march it T'was. Although taking 45 hundred million years, Mussolini killed 12 french prostitutes and a priest from Alaska. When Rome was finally captured Benito did the robot for the next 68 days, saying "Domo" every time someone tried to interrupt him. This event caused Benito Mussolini, the unessesarily large douche bag, to gain overwealming success on the ass suckers circuit.

Today: Last month Benito released his first single "Rapping N' Shit FET. T'pain and some other...guy", the single has sold a total of 6 copies.

[edit] Dictator

Ethiopian Emperor Haile Selassie accused Mussolini of hax

A popular consumer product.

Benito aspired to re-create the Roman Empire, and began by invading the very places that made Rome a super power: Ethiopia and Albania. The campaign in Ethiopia was relatively easy, but he was accused of hax by Ethiopian emperor Hallie Sellassie.

[edit] Expansion and World War 2

He deployed the Italian Military into Albania, and several months later the completely unarmed country surrounded and captured the Italian army. This put an enormous strain on the Italian forces. Mussolini, being the military genius that he was, chose to stay out of the major combat until it was clear who would win. In 1940, he invaded Southern France after the French had surrendered, and a German puppet, Vichy France, was in power and had Southern France on the DL. This military victory gave Mussolini the confidence he needed. He soon tried to push into Greece but forgot that Tanks from World War One aren't effective on mountainous terrain and had to ask Hitler for a few guys. Eventually Greece fell.

In 1941, Mussolini drove his military into British held Egypt. Unfortunately, water and supplies were forgotten and the entire army was lost before a single British soldier was spotted.

As the United States invasion force rolled into Italy in 1943, Mussolini ordered the army to crush the enemies, but before he could finish the sentence he was deposed and sent to jail. In his only phone call, he called Hitler and asked to be 'bailed out.' Soon enough, the German Army broke him out of jail, took over Northern Italy, and declared Mussolini the leader of the new Puppet State. The Germans forgot that Italy was under attack and left Mussolini in Northern Italy around a bunch of people that hated the fuck out of him.

[edit] Later life

“He's hanging from a lampost at the corner of the street...”

~ George Formby on Mussolini

After Mussolini was shot, he was put in a blender and he is now available to drink.

After retiring as supreme ruler of Fascist Italy (for the second time) good ol' Benito decided to embark on a career as a musician. For some with the determination of Mussolini lack of talent was no barrier. His major achievement was his collaboration with George Formby and The Communist Rebels to create the smash hit "Hanging from a Lamppost". After moderate success he decided to try other ventures. His new dream was to become Kojak, but his screen test was ruined by his uncontrollable giggling, so in 1954 he instead created his own wine company.

In 1976, Mussolini retired from the wine business and in 1984 he died on the dance floor of the local "Pasta Inferno" disco. He had an extacy overdose and collapsed after 9 hours non-stop dancing to "Funky Town".

Thanks to the advances in technology, scientists working out of Bosnia-Herzegovnia are working hard on creating a new Mussolini, cloned from the DNA of one of Mussolini's pubic hairs. Although he did so many bad things, he famously made the trains run on time, or to be more accurate he forced people to believe the trains were running on time by putting all the clocks in Italy back 3 minutes every hour. In fact, denying that Mussolini made the trains run on time can still get you shot in Italy. But no donut for you! No cookies, no crap, no NUTIN!

[edit] Fun Facts

• Home town is New France, the town where August achieved its stardom
• People theorize that Mussolini went "undercover" in the late 1960s to practice his secret passion for music and dance. We know him better as Elvis
• Mussolini had plans to release his own brand of muesli, called Muesolini, but was forced to abandon the idea since the Pokemon Mew and Mewtwo had already created similar products.
• Benito Mussolini did not know how to swim, operate a cell phone, or throw a spiral.
• Mussolini was only 3'4" tall, making him the World's Smallest Dictator™.
• Benito (or Benny as he was called by his close friends) was the actual inventor of the internet, contrary to the popular belief of Al Gore.
• Benito Mussolini won the 1997 Academy Award for Best Director, for his documentary film Tuck Everlasting.
• Mussolini was rumored to be a homosexual when police found him canoodling with Giolitti behind an ice-cream truck.
• Mussolini is the second greatest Italian plumber of all time (fourth overall), falling just short of Mario Mario
• Another rumor is that after his death, Mussolini was ascended to godhood bestowed upon him by Oscar Wilde who had become a staunch fan of his music.
• Mussolini is also a member of Anti-Norris
• Has written a book titled "Mussolini: The Fruitcake years".
• Mussolini was shit at strategy games; he often lost the various World War II scenarios available in most turn-based games.
• He was a self-proclaimed member of the Justice League, although the other members did not recognize his status.
• Was responsible for 1980's New Coke
• Wrote "My Humps"