My Family

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“Have you been to their house? Jesus. Never before have you seen such a hive of scum and villany.”

~ Oscar Wilde on my family

My Family are a deranged group of perverted reprobates that have no place in civilized society. I mean, seriously.

[edit] Early History

This entire travesty began when my grandpa met my grandmother at a gay rodeo in Watersford, Arkansas, new new mexico. Gary was a rodeo clown with legendary grace and speed, a lazy eye and three testicles. Marsha was a bull. How they managed to reproduce is a mystery no one has dared to unravel. I'm certainly not about to find out.

Married in 1855 they settled down in Wardworth, Idaho and had two beautiful children who would go on to become my parents.

[edit] The Family

My family is made up of Joyce, my mother; Gary Jr., my dad and Sabrina, my vile younger sister. I also had an older brother, Tim, but he got eaten by bears.

[edit] My Parents

Joyce is a professional homemaker and part-time book keeper for the Salt Lake City chapter of the Church of Satan. She is also a vindictive bitch who's main goal in life is to drive me insane with her nagging and belittling comments about my job and hobbies. Her other interests include cannibalism, S&M movies, and making scrapbooks.

Gary, Jr. was involved in a unicycle accident at age 14 and suffered permanent brain damage. He spends his days sitting in a chair, drooling and watching The Christopher Lowell Show (he howls like a banshee if anyone ever tries to turn off the TV). Despite being a retarded vegetable, he has never approved of any of my girlfriends or career choices and is secrety jealous of me. He's also gay.

[edit] My Sister

My sister is a giant slut who will sleep with anyone who offers her as much as a stick of gum. She's not speaking to me.

[edit] Embarassing Moments

In 1997, I brought my prom date home, to have sex,and to meet my family, only to discover them all having sex in the living room. They claimed they were playing Twister, but I'm not an idiot.
My mother went to a PTA meeting nude and high on angel dust before realizing that our town doesn't have a PTA and that she was 500 miles from home. Nude. And on angel dust.
In 1988, my father screamed "You fucking suck" from the audience when I lost the finals on the school spelling bee.