MySpace
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
This is actually a load of shit :)
“Myspace is gay!!!!, not like "maybe he is, maybe he isn't" gay; but more like "OH MY GOD, here he comes waving his flags in his designer leather pants carrying a poster with a rainbow on it while talking with a lis(th)p so powerful that you want to smack him for it" gay, you know; Ryan Seacrest gay”
~ Oscar Wilde on Myspace
“It's only site on the internet with more child pornography than pedophiles”
~ Captain Obvious on Myspace
“I Love MySpace. I use it to find new friends to play with.”
~ Sexual Predator on MySpace
“WTF? Why is Tom my friend?”
~ Random new myspace user on his Myspace friends
Its NOT Great!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
MySpace (BritishEnglish: Slut-parade) is a shitty, badly built social networking website offering an interactive, user-submitted network of nerds and nerdstar wannabes, personal profiles of ugly skanks trying to find an escape out of their cafeteria lunch-lady jobs, incoherent blogs that assume someone actually gives a shit, groups of nerds who flock together to escape the fact that they don't have a single friend in real life, photos of nasty bitches trying to look decent by Photoshoping in the hopes someone will notice them, and crappy music and videos from bands that no one over the age of 12 with an IQ of more than 40 would give a fat fuck about. And, perhaps most disturbingly of all, the single largest collection of emos in the known Universe.
Some say that MySpace is part of the brainwashing effect by the Anti-Christ/Communist leader Tom. However, this is only speculation. It is headquartered in Beverly Hills, California, aka Hell. Fox Interactive Media owns Myspace.
Here are some things you should do when creating your Myspace profile:
- Upload your personal information (SSN, home address, fingerprints, a complete set of dental records, a list of fears and such) to allow stalkers and pedophiles to locate you more easily.
- Add pictures of poorly drawn Japanese animé characters and say it's you because your horribly disfigured face is not fit for the Internet.
- Sprinkle gigantic pictures all over your page so that it cannot even be viewed properly in the largest screen resolution on a standard computer screen.
- Make a list of "friends" aka nerds who sit behind a computer shooting their glob at underage myspace girls and pretend to like them so they will post more pictures to satisfy their paedophilic ends.
- Make sure several epileptic fits are caused by your flashing background/name.
- Add the loudest, most annoying song you can imagine and four or five videos (maybe more), then ensure that they're all simultaneously launched just as the page fully loads and displays its incoherent, babbling mass of text — so poorly written and of so little interest that it's sure to cause anyone viewing it to attempt suicide.
- Make your background orange and type in orange
- Type in Size 7 Comic Sans MS all the time without ever closing the tag.
- Call everyone a nerd but be offended when someone calls you one
- Get mad when people say Myspace is boring
- Emo <myspace>style</myspace>d hair in fatty pose shots
- Have pointless intermissions every five words
- Talk about stuff
- Eat virtual food
- Hit everyone with a virtual pie
- Your mother (In my bed last night)
- Talk about random things
- Cheese (In my bed last night with your mother)
- Fantasy
- Oatmeal (In my bed 2 nights ago)
- Ampersands
- Television
- Waste everyone's time
- Use random animated pictures as your icon
- Deliver massive amounts of pwnage on some n00b
- Add random people to your friends list
- tAlK lIkE tHiS
- Don't follow no grammar rules
- Goes on Uncyclopedia to edit and make remarks like "OMG DON'T LISTEN THIS USER IS HIGH ON ICE CREAM" on this article, because he/she/it cannot stand people making fun of their little virtual social circle.
- Comment someones picture back if they comment yours even if you don't think they look 'sOoOoOo hawt'
- Leave a message on your friends page, everyday asking simple questions like "how was your day?" when you just came from school/work with your friend, and have a pretty good idea of how the crappy day went.
- Adding messages on friends pages every 10 minutes, then the next day asking them if "you got my message on Myspace" when you could have easily picked up your cell phone and called and/or texted them to ask your pointless questions.
- Post a load of bollocks about how you are you and no one can change that.
- Get as many friends as possible because you can't get them in real life, regardless of whether they're a paedophile or not
- Make a South Park version of yourself and use it as your default picture
- Hide your friendspace so that no one can see that you only have 1.5 friends (".5" refers to a person who responds to your messages but does not accept your friend requests)
- Make your profile private and put on your headline: ENJOY THE DEFAULT! iiF ii DuNNo YuH D3N SeNd MeH a MessAge SayiiN Who u R. . .CuZ iiF NoT YuH WuN GeT AddeD!, So people will think you're cool, and also to make them sad.
- Make a fake myspace of yourself and then tell everyone by putting it in your bulletin, blog, headline , etc . So people will think you're so cool and pretty and that you deserved to be copied.
Contents |
[edit] History
“He frequently dazzles me.”
~ Voldemort on Robert Pattinson
“how do i delete Tom off my top 8?”
~ harry potter on Tom
Credit for the creation of MySpace was taken by a man named Thomas Anderson who is also known to some government agents as Neo. Little is known about Mr. Anderson or Neo except that he probably invented MySpace because all of his friends were eaten by robots.
The first MySpace profiles created were not made for people, but for Pez dispensers. The second profile created (the first being Tom) was for a Winnie the Pooh Pez dispenser with several bite marks on it. The photos that were taken of the dispenser were angled and lit in such a way as to effectively hide the bite marks; this was the first time that photographic technique was used, and soon would be commonplace on nearly every MySpace profile. There are still many profiles of Pez dispensers on MySpace, including Tila Tequila, Christine Dolce and Taran Noah Smith.
MySpace was also founded as the #1 site where no-talent, no brain dumb broads working at Hollister to actually go out on a limb and believe that in some small tiny manner the fact that they make stupid pointless websites which pc nerds on daily means that they will actually become famous or have a tiny bit of exposure one day. (See Tila Tequila). YouTube also works under this premise, but with videos. Sadly, they all end up either stuck right where they are, as janitors or Starbucks employees, or making horrible, horrible films with dismal reviews and pretty much NO audience like "Hot Rod". If there was any justice on the face of this planet, all these nerdstar wannabes would be dragged out into the street and SHOT.
For the first year or two that Myspace was active, it's slogan was "Spamming people just got a whole lot easier." Their slogan was revised in 2007 and is now "Nappy Headed Hoes, Welcome You.". Don Imus paid with two seashells, a cannabis plant, and a filthy nappy headed hoe for this slogan to be introduced to Myspace.
[edit] Simple Rules Of MySpace
- Begging — Posting a bulletin that says "MESSAGE ME PLEASE! I HAVE NO LIFE!!!!!!1111" or "new pics, comment please! lol!" or "PC4PC LOl?! COMENTS?!137eggfriedrice!!ZEBRASHIT!!!!" makes you a whore. Period.
OHHH wait. A whore actually makes money whoring. So never mind. You're worse than a whore.
- Pictures — If you're ugly, (that's possibly why you're on Myspace in the first place), your comments like omg so FIT! ILY!, sex-ay biatch, stunna! and top model pose xox don't fool anyone; people are pretty used to that kind of thing by now. (If a person has a case of the Elephant Man's disease, then they would probably label themselves as "rugged.") It's a bonus if you're in your bathroom holding the camera at an angle (37.6 degrees has been coined as the optimum). Or even better, pouting with your tits half out at a mirror. There are camera-experts out there who add your Myspace to check out your camera-model, you know. Obese people, by default take half-body photos showing only the part from their large boobs (omitting the flabby gut underneath) to their pudgy, chocolate brownie morsel-sprinkled face. This of course follows wondering why the boy they met on the internet runs a ferlong upon meeting them for the first time. Make sure to upload thousands of pictures of your friends, or pictures you took with your classmates and make people think they're your friends, because remember that people really care about this stuff. Honestly, they do. However, only to secretly mock you at your futile efforts of becoming popular. Also, take the same picture from as many different angles as possible: this of course gives people a more in depth idea of how ugly you are, ensuring that they know you look like a moose from all angles. You can also tell who are the people who really do love themselves are, as they have little messages at the bottom of their picture with things like: "I'm so ugly. :( :(" or "Urgh, omgzz, I hate this picture." Which basically screams: "Please give me loads of comments and attention and tell me how amazingly pretty and fit I am." No, I refuse to tell you how nice you're looking, because you probably don't anyway, so I'm just going to sit and comment the FUCK out of how hideous you look. Yeah, that's right. Your reverse psychology doesn't work, I'm afraid. You can't have a huge stress about it either, because you're the one who said you look horrible in the first place. All in all, you should suck my dick. :) If you don't like a picture, don't fucking kill us by uploading it and slagging yourself off. Douche.
- Bulletins — This has replaced the once-popular insanity method of talking to oneself. Here you write about all the shit that nobody gives the slightest fuck about. Just like talking about how someone is fucking you off at that moment in time, but not actually TELLING us who they are. "Yes, 'he' is really hurting me right now. 'He's' such a dick. I want to die. No one cares though. Blah blah blah." Yes, you're right my friend, no one DOES care. Please go and play in traffic somewhere. Ok, we heard you the first time, if we WANTED to reply, we would have done so the first time. Millions of Myspace bulletins in the space of five minutes aren't gonna earn you any friends; they will encourage people to spam up your comments list. For future note, the people who read bulletins are just as bad: don't encourage them for christ's sake! You have no life also, and are merely trying to get pussy off the girl who wrote the fucking thing!
- Friends — This feature was added to make little nerdy saps that nobody would go near without running away screaming at the top of their lungs feel like they have people who actually care for them. They live blissfully feeling "popular" when in reality the last person they talked to were the Jehovah's Witness that had to flee in terror last time they came and knocked on the door. Having over 1000 friends does NOT make you popular. It's thought that 1 out of every 150 MySpacers are a sub-ordinate of Paris Hilton. More friends = More sub-ordinates. It is also worth a say, that if you are on someone's top friends a day after you asked them 99 times, it does not mean that they have suddenly become your friend. They have done it to shut you the fuck up you annoying turd-filled cock-sucker (otherwise known as Paris Hilton's rectum).
- Messages — When jerk offs think they're too cool to comment you (or if you can't find where to comment on someone's page because they're just "unique" like that, they (or in the case of situation #2) or you will message them. Messages usually start with words like hey, or wuzup, or LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL RFOLROFLROFLROFLROFLROFL PLEASE NOTICE ME!!! I'M BORED AND VERY INTERESTING LOOK AT ME!!! You will notice when someone is desperate to talk when you finish replying, and go back to your homepage, they have already commented back. If YOU sent a person a message and that person is a bitch, they will probably read your message, and just ignore you and be "cool". In the case that a person changed they're profile picture, and the picture has a dramatic change to the person's body, face, hair, or gender they probably want your reply to start with "WOAH, YOUR PICTURE IS TOTALLY DRAMATIC AND SHIT...", in that case, DO NOT REPLY BY SAYING WOAH, YOUR PICTURE IS TOTALLY DRAMATIC AND SHIT...! Do not give those attention whores what they want. They'll have a little celebration in their head saying OH MY GOD I'VE BEEN NOTICED! THANK YOU GOD!. Please Please let them kill themselves.
- Randoms — So maybe adding randoms could earn you some Myspace whores, but as much as people are flattered by your lovely comments on their "totally hawt hair lol" or "fxcking awesome t-shirt lol", that's only going to increase their feeling that you are a very shallow Myspace nerd who lacks his/ her own real-life friends.
- Bands — No, you aren't ACTUALLY friends with Fall Out Boy. Hate to break it to ya, but it's the truth, even though 99% of crappy Myspace bands are actually so shitty that nobody over the age of 12 with an IQ of over 40 would actually listen to them... hate to break it to THEM. Let's face it, if you ARE a good band, then are you really going to waste any of your seconds committing you life to Tom, when you could be getting rat-arsed with 7-10 hot chicks literally throwing their pussies at you? I will let you answer that question yourself! (the correct answer is "no" by the way)
- Suicide Notes — If you were serious, it wouldn't be on Myspace "OMG I'm dejected and defeated. I feel like kutting my rist lol, do ya notise me nao?". Suicide notes are not text or html, so, don't have a cow, man. On the other hand, anyone on MySpace should be committing suicide by now. It is a highly suicidal website that drains your will to live.
- HTML formatting — If you haven't got this one down, you might as well forget the idea of owning a Myspace page entirely. In fact, even if you've got it down the bloated Myspace underworld doesn't need another jackass thinking they're a part of something that any normal person gives a shit about.
- Hate-Mail — Does NOT mean you are famous; quite possibly the opposite. So remember that before you put something stupid on your page like a glittering flash saying "Keep hatin, ur only makin me famous lol!". Keep in mind that MySpace "fame" is worth the exact same amount as the turd that came out of me the last time I sat down on the toilet.
Despite the undeserved and horrifying popularity of Myspace, others have taken a step towards the right direction in voicing their superior opinions on the subject through their profiles - such as this strapping young gentleman who deserves to be praised for his courageousness of standing up to the loathsome depths of Myspace:
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=115721230
- MySpace Picture Competitions — Out there in the shitty world of myspace, you have about 50,000,000,000,000 myspace profiles, run by a few stuck up American bellends, to have myspace picture competitions, where anyone can send in a picture of themselves and have people just like them vote for the one that looks the best, under a certain category like "Picture with umbrella." or "Picture with cuddly toy". Comments of voting are usually something like: "ZOMGZZ THIS ONES HOTTT!!!!1!11!ONEONE!11! VOTEVOTEVOTE <33333____xx_xx" People usually forget that entering one of these competitions isn't achieving anything. You don't win anything cool like, a car or washing machine. The only thing you get is knowing you beat other people with pictures that probably look exactly like the one you submitted, probably only winning because you went on MSN messenger and said to every one of your contacts: "GO ON THIS LINK AND VOTE FOR ME PLSSSS. LOL. THX BBZZ. LUV YAZZZ!!!!!! <3333____xx_xxx. And anyways, entering one of these crappy competitions just shows how much you think you look amazing in your photo, when in fact, you probably look worse than my shit. 'Nuff said.
[edit] Satan's myspace
Many celebreties such as G-d, Elmo(H.I.M), and Barney have all been rumored to have a myspace presence. But Satans' myspace to date has produced the most lucrative contracts in history for the US Military. [[1]] With the burgeoning popularity of free-form neo-pagan homo-morphism many suspect his believers to be tied up in a quasi-religious ponzi scheme designed to inflate the ranks of so-called "soul reapers" leading to the dominance of naughtiness on the internet. Notice the moron called James who, get this, ACTUALLY THINKS HE IS TALKING TO SATAN. Sect leader Tom has denied any affiliation with Satan himself saying, "It was fake blood". Due mainly to self censorship, many online communities are now requiring proof of dark-lordship prior to registering.
[edit] Bands
They may have accepted you as their "friend". They may have left a comment such as "rad page" or "thanks for the ad, you rock". However, these comments are merely a courtesy, and do not under any circumstances be fooled into thinking they really wish to be friends with you. Unless they are a little-known band who are actually your friends and practice in your next-door neighbor's garage every Sunday after church before resuming their jobs as janitors, garbage men, and Star Bucks employees.
But in the end, 99% of crappy Myspace bands are actually so crappy that nobody over the age of 12 with an IQ of over 40 would actually listen to them.
Some bands who are desperate for publicity produce XML bulletins. This is when they post bulletins with titles like "The olson twins nekkid 4 real" to grab peoples attention, but once the bulletin is opened 4 or 5 XML players start blaring out their music completely out of sync making the band in question suck even more than they already do. Bands who do this tend to be very retarded indeed. This desperate method of attention seeking will make the band in question appear more popular as every time one of the 5 players starts it counts as a play on the bands main XML player. The total plays are always shown on the bands main XML player, and this method of whoring will usually result in over 100 plays in a day. This doesn't mean anything as the bands "friends" only have to open the bulletin in order for the band to obtain 4 or 5 plays. The exact motive of this pathetic excuse for publicity is unknown, however, some gullible bands believe that if they look more popular, they are more popular.
[edit] Poser Emos
As you may have suspected, this is a prime location for the well known sport of emo-hating, as they crowd the place. Under no circumstances should you engage in this kind of activity, as emo-kids are very sensitive, and the slashes on their wrists could reach a new level of intensity. The emotional people of the future have gone far enough as to using ancient books of dark magic to destroy all the worlds! Befriend an emo, and you never know, you may have even got yourself a new pet!!
[edit] Tom
Tom is the most popular guy on Myspace(right above you of course), due to his process of obtaining friends by force. He hacked Myspace in a way that as soon as someone joins, they are instantly his friend. We can remedy this by using that nice little delete button you see right there. No, there...Okay, now down a little and to the right...There you go.
[edit] Showing Emotion
See Emo above. Emos are professional at showing emotion therefore using many online signals. There are many different forms of this, however there is a particular 'Jargon' for this ridiculous site
- Love: <3 (It's less than three, where hate is equal to four. Some emos might think it's a heart!)
- Hate: </3 (/3 is another term for thirteen. Which is what would happen if your emo girlfriend hated you)
- Happiness: =] (Note: Peoples mouth are not actually square, and their eyes are not that close together. If you do so happen to see someone with this dreadful affliction, feel free to contact your local plastic surgeon. Also note that the amount of "]'s" represents exactly how happy the person is. =]]] is a very popular way for scene kids to express their happiness.)
- Sadness: =[ (The opposite of happiness...which is very clever.)
- Confusion: =S or the apt statement "wtf", :\ may also be used (Everyone knows that when you're confused your lips go all squiggly or slide into a perfect diagonal direction)
- Anger: >=( (It is nice to note that eyebrows shouldn't contract that far.)
- Laughter: xD or =D (shown with faces as "D's". The letter "D" represents a big mouth full of joy. The more "D's" there are the more amused they are. Example: xDDDDDD shows either great amusement or many, many chins.) For some reason, the people who use this like the emoticons to have eyes that are completely disproportional to their mouth or many chins. Probably because it looks exactly like the person using it. Oooh, burn.
- Cool, awesome: (H), (Y), or any other emoticon shortcut from MSN messenger. Used a lot by the population of myspace. Example of this could be: "YEAH, I'M REALLY COOL. (H)" or "CANT WAIT 4 TONITE. LOLZZZZ xDDDD (Y)" If someone didn't use MSN messenger, they probably have no fucking clue what someone going on about, as it doesn't look like anything. Just an H or Y inside some brackets..Because really, that is all it is. And if you don't know what they are, "(H)" is an emoticon shortcut for a smiley wearing sunglasses, and "(Y)" is a thumbs up. Don't worry though. You're still cool if you didn't know. ;)
[edit] MySpace
Along with Hi5, Bebo, Zebo, Facebook, Wikipedia, Zorpia, and many other "social networking" sites... let's delete them. Come on, whatever happened to real life, or the good ol' telephone, or a pack of cigarettes, or a good glass of scotch? One day glossy banners will be old fashion, and postmans all around the world will actually have something to deliver. O RLY. SRSLY
[edit] So, You want to be a POPULAR MySpace-an
If for any reason, you want millions of Internet buds, here are some good tips FOR BEGINNERS
- Stick any vowel onto the end of your name whenever you talk to somebody (Amy becomes Amyeeeeeee, Nicola to Nicolaaaaaaa). And remember all those Zs and Xs. +500 points
- Add your entire Hotmail Address-Book. +1000 points
- Add your favorite bands. +3000 points
- Add bands that have those one-hit wonders you heard once on Kerrang while channel surfing +2000 points
- List EVERY SINGLE BAND YOU HAVE EVER HEARD OF under Music +1000 points
- Add friends of your friends, spouting the excuse that you saw them at that party. +1000 points
- Add friends of friends-friends; they'll accept, right? You both know so-and-so. And so-and-so is dating so-and-so else. And that's neat. +2000 points
- Comment them all once to show you're all heart, then move them into the abyss of strangers never to see the light of day again.+200 points per person
- Put up dark, or photoshopped pictures of yourself taken with vaseline over the camera lens. +50000 points
- Learn HTML. -1000 points
- Lie about your age and say you're younger than 14. +1000 pedo points
- Post a bulletin directed to one person so everyone can read it instead of just sending them a message, because YOU want to be heard in hopes someone will give a shit about your existence. +3000 points
- Post a million-and-one bulletins, because everyone wants to know what you ate for breakfast, and what color it came out as when you went to the toilet. +500 points a poop
- Type your name ENTIRELY out of Russian letters. +500 points for each letter
- Make a Top 3548657953579 assuming that someone gives a shit. +0 points
- If your background is orange, be sure to type in all-orange. +1200 points upon each successful angered reader.
- Make sure to put lost of stupid ads in people comments like "omg i really did get this $500 macys gift card" +1000
- If your profile takes so long to load because of all the crap and HTML on it that the unfortunate viewer is forced to listen to half of your shitty profile song before the page actually loads..... +999 points
- Always, ALWAYS make your name a trademark. People know that you're 'totali awsum nd xcore' then. ™ +20000 points
- Change your real name to your MySpace username. +50000 points
- Be a Myspace whore +10
- Add a youtube embed of you and your retard friends doing things that a downer wouldn't be seen dead doing at a retard party. +1000 attention-seeker points and an insight into your sad mediocre internet-dwelling life.
- Your parents have one and they think you're being safe on yours +2400
- In every single bulletin, comment and message, be sure to include what is known as "home row gibberish" when you don't know what to say. For example "jksdfhgkajsdfhgkajdjafdj." This makes you sound like you have Tourette's Syndrome. +1.86 points and a power ranger.
- Take a lot of pictures of yourself bending over, showing off your boobs that in reality, you do not have. +50000
- Your Friend (Thats right not plural) will love it if you put their picture in your profile. +1103
- Bitch's that say they don't like drama, but cause it. +evil pi
- Go to random peoples pages and ask to be friends. Bitch and whine when rejected. +666 points
- Claim to be cool because you have "haters" +25
- If your profile pic is of you with a peace sign while you twist your lips to the side and looking up at the sky...... +200
- Steal pictures of people and then ask to be a 'site model' on some unknown Myspace layout site. +8000 points
[edit] Positive Uses of MySpace
- As married man, find hot girls to add, even though they are really models and porn ad profiles.
- Spread subliminal messages about some company that you own to make millions off emos
- Recruit people into your private army
- Spread communism through songs like Polyushko Polye
- Making fun of MySpace
- Making fun of facebook
- Being a Jerk
- Various other negative uses
- Cyber-bullying and making little emos cry
- Lie about how good that girl looked in her most recent cam-whore pose
- Spying on your ex
- If you don't have MySpace or have it but don't use it, then Myspace is perfect evidence for telling one of its frequent users that they have no life!
- Cheating on your wife
- Looking for free porn
- Getting the attention you desperately need when your ritalin bottle is empty.
- Being 'friends' with a celebrity.
- Hide your identity, come on guys! This might be your only chance to be a jock
- Getting fresh news on Wales' Finest, Hoax Emcee
- Good practice for masturbation
- Connect with 13-year-olds who steal music and do it all the time, only to be sued, then watch them have their asses sued off while drinking a root beer.
- Revealing deep, personal trauma's to your family/friends without actually talking to them.
- Becoming even MORE depressed than you actually are, hence making you even MORE of a emo.
- Forget to delete layouts when you put on a new one making your page incredibly annoying so nobody will come back and delete you from their feeble friends list
AMEN
