National Hockey League

The Dallas Stars are taught a lesson.

[edit] Defunct teams

These are teams that once played in the National Hockey League, but were too poor to bribe Bettman to stay in their city:

• Compton Crackheads
• Duluth Dumbfucks
• Neverland/Jacksonville Jackos
• Trashville sex predators"
• New Delhi 711s
• Vancouver Drug Dealers
• Ottawa 69ers
• labatt blues
• Winnipeg Fat Rock Stars
• Riyadh Retards"
• Florida Fucktards" (Long time rivals to the Riyadh Retards)
• Atlanta Has-a-hockey-team-although-they-shouldn't
• Colorado Coors Drunks
• Berlin Hitlers
• Regina Vaginas
• Westboro Biggots
• Hamilton Crackberries
• California Rotten Seals (Team name was a direct reference to Garry Fatman Bettman)
• Kansas City Farmer's Daughters
• Charlestown Slave Owners
• Oscar Wilde Wildecats (Won all the NHL awards 14 seasons in a row for a period of 29 years when the NHL didn't even exist. 12 of these seasons were played against God, and 2 were against Phil Taylor.) Note: This is the best team in history, and for 4 consecutive seasons contained random person number 29.
• Guan Dong Counterfits (Infamous for dressing in Eeston, NiceBauer, Nicky and Reeboc gear)

[edit] Superstars of the Past

[edit] Wayne Gretzky

Wayne Gretzky Today after 20 years of the National Hockey League

Main article: Wayne Gretzky

• One of the Leagues greatest stars of all-time.
• Lead the league in 15 of 20 years in scoring! (An all of sport, only Wilt Chamberlain of the NBA holds more scoring titles)
• Holds 60 records.
• Possibly gay
• Yet has a wife
• Good cover-story
• Allegedly blew three refs and a peewee league coach before winning his last art ross.
• The reason why most Canadians named there kids Wayne
• Whoever wrote the last one is kewl..... and hockey rules by the way

[edit] Don Cherry

Main article: Don Cherry

• Was a loudmouth coach of the Boston Beers who wasn't afraid to say what he had on his mind
• Is the reason why 100% of the Canadian population watches Hockey Night in Canada on CBC
• Likes to yell
• Thinks Europeans are pansies for wearing visors
• Once thought to have a normal human brain, it has been revealed by scientists that Don Cherry's skull is filled with hot air and an enormous inner ear so he can hear all his own mindless ramblings.

[edit] Tie Domi

Main article: Tie Domi

• Second Smallest Player in the League at 4'1.5" and 76lbs.
• Somehow is able to start fights with his wife no difficulty, and win, considering how small he is
• Is the only recent hockey player who is infact, a heterosexual--although his gay lover, Chris Neil of the Ottawa Suckyturds, would dispute this claim.
• Is only known for being short and fighting with his sexuality, and for having sex with Ian's mom
• Has no penis.
• Participated in coked out brawls with World of Warcraft battleground buddy Bob Probert

[edit] Alien Ant Farm

Main article: Alien Ant Farm

• 4 Guys claming to be the band Alien Ant Farm. It is unknown if this is the same band that went missing in two years before.
• All four members shared the same position as rightwing allowing Florida to have 8 skaters on the ice at a time. This however did not prevent Florida from geting slaughtered every game in the 2003-04 season.
• Florida folded after 2004 as they did not have enouth surviving players.

[edit] Reggie "Reg" Dunlop

• A real National Hockey League legend.
• Won the cup several times during the '70s and '80s.

[edit] Ogie Oglethorpe

• National Hockey League's toughest player.
• A really mean sonofabiatch.

[edit] Elbow Howe

• Biggest Elbow in the League, knocked many a player out of the league with a single swing
• Wore the ugliest jersey with the number 69
• Once skated onto the Ice wearing a tutu.

[edit] Alberto Whitewash

• Smallest Player in the League at 4'1" and 75lbs.
• played from 1911 to 1925
• Amazingly he never suffered a single injury during a game, but broke his leg at home once, when he was training for the circus!
• Has the record for most goals scored on his own goal in a game, with 4.

[edit] Brian Nobrain

• Never wore a helmet. Couldn't because his head was so big!
• Best goaltender to play ever! from 1924-1940
• First player to wear a letter instead of a Number on his Jersey "N"

[edit] Zach Priest

• A child from the "Make A Wish Foundation" whos wish to be in the NHL. He however was unsined due to lack of interest and remains on the free agents list to this day.

[edit] Rick Campanelli

• An unpopular VJ who was fired from MTV Canada.
• Signed to Toronto in 2005. He was fired after his first game in which Toronto lost to Pitsburgh 37-1
• Though he was fired, Rick Campanelli holds the teams record for most carrier goals with 3. however all of them where on his own net.
• is paid more then everyone on the LA Kings roster put together

[edit] Alexander "OvenChicken" Ovchakovich

• First and Last Russian Player who was chosen 0th in the NHL Draft
• Got a life-time contract with a salary of the US budget
• He lost his front teeth because he was using them to open bottles of vodka all the time
• His favorite saying was "Бухаем не по хуйне сегодня" which means "I love this game" in Russian.

[edit] Mark Messier (The Messiah) =

• God with ice skates and a hockey stick.
• Better leadership than God.
• The Captain

[edit] What the Game Is Really Aboot!

Two National Hockey League Stars ready to brawl!

• Fighting is the prime reason everyone comes to the arena. To watch two players stars beat the living crap out of one another!

• It's why they'll come out and pay $100 a seat to sit and wait for two goons stars to drop their gloves and go at it!!

[edit] Important Rules (However Silly They May Be!)

• A: No player on the ice can have the same first name (unless it's Joe, Brian, Sergei, or Vladimir)
• B: Everyone must wear pink, either on their helmet, pants, jersey or skates.
• C: Only players over the age of 33 may skate backwards, whilst players over 38 must only skate backwards
• D: Drinking water while skating around is mandatory.
• E: Goals only count when scored when the clock has all even numbers!
• F: Chanting "Kill the midget!!" is necessary if the player is shorter than 5'5"
• G: Chanting "Put it back in the zoo!!" is mandatory for players at or above Zdeanorpwnzor Chara.
• H: Guys named Francois are pansies.
• I: You must not abide any of the rules.
• J: Mullets are still in style.
• K: Players from Czech Republic are not allowed to play without a mullet.
• L: Sidney Crosby is Jewish
• M: Decapitation of the losing team is compulsary
• N: Eating gum and spitting it at goalies is also mandatory
• O: Each team is allowed only one black man and he cannot play in the first line. He must also get in more fights than the team combined within one game.
• P: Not obeying the rules grants you an ejection and 1 Kajillion-million dollar fine.
• Z:Wearing pads will get you a 75 minute major

All rules (except *M) can(and will) be ignored at any time during the game, depending on which team paid the referees more money. For all instances in which both teams paid the referees the SAME amount of money, to decide which team get fucked over by the possible goal (see rule E), they call the Ghostbusters, your fucking mom, and Toronto, in order to ask the magic eight ball, which hates the Lightning, the Oilers, and any team that doesn't ever /really/ do anything wrong.

[edit] Looking to Expand

Want to own a National Hockey League team? No, not really.

• All you need is $2 billion dollars and a wife, which everyone is allowed to play with!
• You have choose a color that the rest of the league will hate (not including the mandatory pink!) and you have to choose a name that is offensive to all religious groups.

• City size does not matter as long as you can afford the bill! Good luck!

• However, the city must be located in a city that does not get any snow at all during November to May, if the city does (even once), the team will be disqualified, and the $800 million deposit will not be returned.

• If you choose a logo that people can make fun of it's better because you can screw any poor bastard out of as much money as possible to wear the fucking thing as long as you look cool doing it

[edit] Bettman Sez

Hello, basket- hockey fans! It's me, your ever lovable commisioner, Gary Bettman! Now, I know a lot of you might be concerned about this "overexpansion" and the "dying markets" in the Southern USA. Nothing could be further from the truth! Why, if the league didn't expand, we'd still be stuck at five teams, and really, who wants a team called the Wanderers? Exactly. Weeding out the old franchices and relocating the slightly successful ones is part of busi- HOCKEY. Why, thanks to expansion, owners are richer than ever and we can all go and gloat that we have a super fair salary cap. Now who can argue with that? Jim Balisillie, that's who! As for the future, under my rule, the NHL will expand from 30 to 72 teams by 2015... ALL of them winners! Yes, NO team will have a losing record! How's that for good basketball! Wait, I mean hockey. Yeah.

As for these so called dying markets, look at those teams down there. Why, the Tampa Bay Lightning and the Anaheim Ducks have both won Stanley's Cup since I came in to power. I AM A MEGALOMANIAC. Wait, that came out wrong. Oh well. The point is that all the money is in the States. The Canadian dollar is worth what, two cents? So forget it Hamilton. Winnipeg, see you later. Same to you, Quebec City. In fact, when Mexico becomes part of that good old US of A, we plan to move those dead franchises up North down there. Take the Toronto Maple Leafs and the Montreal Canadiens. They're so old they should be playing with canes, not sticks! Hahahahahaha!!! But, when the time comes, both teams will move down to Mexico where I shall christen them the Tijuana Illegal Aliens and the Mexico City Mexiciens (odd spelling to keep some relation to the team's previous name). We'll be the first North American sports league down there. GO NBA! I MEAN NHL!

So, you see, there's nothing to worry about. With me at the wheel, the NHL will only grow stronger and stronger. ALL POWER TO THE OWNERS!!!

~Gary Fretman, aka, El Jackass, who will not make this putt.

P.S.: I am currently involved in a homosexual relationship with Sean Avery, who, along with Eliot Spitzer, was one of my former clients but at the same time I am currently blowing the love of my life, Sidney Crosby, because he makes me squee on the inside. And gives me so much cash, I could finally scam Canada out of the sport of hockey forever! Ha! Damn Canadians with their back bacon, meeses...mooses and chubby guys like John Candy and Rick Moranis saying 'Eh?' all the time!

[edit] External links

• Vote For Rory
• [www.firebettman.com]