Napoleon Bonaparte
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“Je suis Napoleon!”
~ Napoleon Bonaparte on what it says on his nametag
“My mom was right, I am a loser.”
~ Napoleon Bonaparte reminising after his devastating loss to Admiral Winter
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[edit] Headline text
“I told him to never get involved in a land war in Asia, but would he listen to me? Nooooooooo.”
~ Vizzini on Napoleon Bonaparte
Napoleon "Nappy" Bonaparte Dynamite, or Napoleon "Blownapart" Dyamite was a Swedish military officer, Emperor of Australia, and five-time winner of the world Risk™ championships. He rose to prominence after ending the Reign of Terror that followed the French Revolution, and replacing it with his Reign of a Moderate But Tolerable Amount of Fear. He was very short. He is famous for being the first person in the French military since Charlemagne not to suck, being short, instituting the Napoleonic Code, being short, pwning most of Europe before losing everything to an Englishman who was named after his boots, being short, and getting really ticked off whenever some smartass remarked that he didn't look very much like Jon Heder. In addition, he is known as the fourth most badass French person, following both members of Daft Punk and the Count of Monte Cristo.
Also, he was short.
[edit] Childhood
Napoleon was born in 10 on the island of Corsica. His father was Italian and spoke Hebrew; his mother was Italian and spoke Italian, and Napoleon grew up speaking Italian and learning Italian customs, which, of course, makes Napoleon Italian. This, in turn, means that all of Napoleon's victories technically count as Italian military victories. It is considered extremely rude and offensive to bring this up when talking with French people, so be sure to do it as often as you can. They like hating people.
He was bona, which in urdu means "shorter than an oompa loompa"
Napoleon’s family, the Bonaparte’s (“good nose”), were a prestigious family of expert handkerchiefonarys. The Bonaparte handkerchiefs were considered some of the best to be had in Europe in 18th century. Napoleon’s grandfather Charles “Bubba” Bonaparte was made Royal Handkerchiefonary to the Austrian Crown after his famous Silk Dabber handkerchief design of 1743. This is ironic considering how much cause to use those very same handkerchiefs Napoleon gave the Austrian-Hungarian Emperor during Napoleon famous “Austria is PWNED!” military campaigning of 1801.
As a child, he spent countless hours playing with his French GI Joes, usually in the backyard of the mean, crotchety Russian who lived next door. Growing up in a town where most men stood at least 6'9", Napoleon was teased about his rather modest[1] height of 5'4". Scholars believe that this teasing — which crushed his dreams of playing professional basketball and made Napoleon excessively self-conscious of his small stature — resulted a tendency to overcompensate in all of his personal endeavors. This condition is known as a Napoleon complex,[2] not to be confused with a Neapolitan complex, which is an illogical obsession with mixed-flavor ice creams.[3]
[edit] Early career
Of course, Corsica is boring as hell, so Napoleon joined the French Army as soon as he could. He originally wanted to be in the cavalry, but his superiors told him that the Army didn't use Shetland ponies. Unfortunately, Napoleon didn't realize that they were insulting his height until they were out of the room, so he couldn't deliver a snappy comeback. He next tried the infantry, which turned out to be a bust as well, as everyone assumed he was a drummer boy and wanted to put him up front with the other drummer boys where he would make for a convenient target.
That left the artillery. Napoleon took to it immediately. Something about firing those big, long, powerful cannons just made him feel better about himself. Plus, it takes a lot of cojones to insult a man for being short when he's aiming a 6-foot-long gun right at your crotch. Thanks to this newfound love of bossing people around, he was soon promoted to Captain[4] of his brigade. Next, he invented[5] several brilliant strategies, including his clever "trying to figure out what the other guy is going to do ahead of time", the devious "skipping the wine and cheese parties, getting off your lazy butts and fighting the goddamn battle", and of course "not surrendering." But the most important of his tactics was Napoleonic Warfare, which involved walking up to within 5 feet of the enemy, who had muskets, cannons, and other shit, in a tight formation, and then begin shooting. After all, you cannot have victory unless your forces take an assload of casualties.
Because of his ingenious tactics, Napoleon rose to the top of the French military.[6] Napoleon's ascent was helped by the fact that most of the people who outranked him found themselves beheaded during the Reign of Terror.[7] Since rampant fear and paranoia tend to get a little tedious after a while, the members of the French government (the ones who still had their heads, at least, and even some without their heads) asked Napoleon to use the French Army to restore order, because few things can calm out-of-control political situations like the judicious use of military dictatorship.
When one politician pointed out that Napoleon could use this opportunity to seize power for himself, he was quickly rebuked by his colleagues. After all, it wasn't like the French people would allow themselves to be represented in world affairs by a little person, right?
[edit] Getting to sit in the cushy seat
Well, it turned out that the French people didn't mind Napoleon's shortness at all, as such details are easy to ignore when that person has all of the guns. Sure enough, in 1804, he got himself crowned Emperor of France, reasoning that emperors were way cooler than kings. As the new monarch, Napoleon I was entitled to all of the amenities that came with the position, the most notable being an increased success rate at picking up guys. He eventually married Joseph de Iamgay, who by all accounts was one of the hottest pieces of ass in France at the time. Granted, he was about a foot taller than napoleon was, but most people were polite enough not to bring that up.
[edit] Pwnage of Europe
Napoleon naturally aroused the jealousy of other Europeans by being such a great (but small) guy in everything, from military to fashion, from politics to cookery. The British eventually grew weary of him, mostly because he was "so bloody French", as the Duke of Wellington put it. (Although the British men hated Napoleon because he was simply French.) Thus, when Napoleon decided to invade Italy, there was some cause for concern, but everybody figured it was okay because he was already Italian to begin with. However, when he decided he wanted Austria, too, an international coalition gathered to stop him. Unfortunately, they forgot to take into account Napoleon's madd skillz at Risk™ and Stratego™, and as a result, the Emperor of France got to add most of Western Europe to his ever-growing list of potential sites for his country estate.[8]
[edit] The only reason he didn't suck
Lets be brutally honest here, the list of French military defeats is longer by a factor of 87.23 than the list of French military victories. Most people ask themselves how Napoleon's awesomeness is possible, given he's French. The critical fact about Napoleon is that he was from Corsica, which, technically is not part of France. This is the main explication for the fact that this guy who dominated Europe at every war game known to man was French. An alternative theory suggests that the French Military Suckiness Syndrome (FMSS) only affects people above the hight of 5 ft. 4. This is potentially because FMSS targets itself at where the part of the brain used for strategy would be is normal people. In the case of Napoleon, however, it quite literally sailed over his head.
[edit] A minor stnank
After conquering most of Europe, Napoleon set his sights on Russia to further his goal of making history associate his name with really, really big things.[9] Thus, in the summer of 1812, he gathered the Grande Armée and marched towards Moscow. All went as planned, except for two minor oversights on Napoleon's part. First, he'd intended for his troops to live off the land during their invasion, but Napoleon quickly found out that Russia was pretty much a barren wasteland.[10] Second, Napoleon's map of Europe was apparently not drawn to scale, because the journey from Paris to Moscow took a bit longer than expected. Russia, it turned out, was big. Really, vastly, truly huge. Not only did this put a huge strain on supply lines, it meant that the troops were constantly asking "Are we there yet?" Several times Napoleon had to threaten to turn the army around and go straight back to France if they didn't settle down.
Anyhow, as a result, by the time Napoleon reached the Kremlin's gates, he had to tangle with the Russian military's most potent force: Admiral Winter.
Even though Napoleon's forces numbered 691,501 men[11] while Winter had only -40° C,[12] the battle was surprisingly close. But in the end, Napoleon had to accept defeat, as troops were literally killed in cold blood and the vast majority of his army eventually reverted to the pansiness that the French military had been known for in days of yore and started whining and complaining about things getting frozen in the cold, including their wine, their cheese, their baguettes, and their limbs. The wusses. However, Napoleon argued at the time that this was not a retreat from Moscow — the Emperor had merely decided that he'd have more success advancing on Paris. Furthermore, he later claimed that he'd changed his mind about adding Russia to his collection since its all-white color scheme didn't go well with the more festive color schemes of France, Spain, and Italy.
Arguably, Napoleon's military career peaked with the invasion of Russia. However, Winter's military career was just getting started, as the Russian Winter would later go on to display similar brilliance in dealing with the German army in 1941-1942. As a result, many military historians now regard the Russian Winter as the greatest military strategist in history
[edit] Battle of Five Armies
Main Article: The War of Yet Another Coalition.
After the disastrous Russian Campaign the Allies realized that with France now outnumbered twenty to one it was time to strike! They formed the Yet Another Coalition against Napoleon. Napoleon, confident in trusty and well groomed Power Risk resource deck, scrapped together what troops he could and meet the Allies at Leipzip. The Battle of Five Armies had begun!
Facing a mixed army of Russian wargriders, Austrian-Hungarian elf archers (+1 with bows), Prussian dwarf berserker warriors and English Eagle riders Napoleon and the French Grand Army meet them in an epic three day battle that sadly Uncycolpedia does not have the budget to show. Sufficient to say it featured hours of cool footage of ammo wagons exploding, huge cavalry charges and short guys in very fancy uniforms in dramatic poses. Finally, Napoleon exhausted his full repertoire of dramatic poses, was forced to admit defeat and retreat back to France.
[edit] Exile
When Napoleon returned to France, the Allied forces (who had been camping on the outskirts of Paris) ambushed him and and forced him to abdicate his throne. They then banished him to the island of Elba, in the Mediterranean Sea, where he wouldn't be able to bother anyone ever again.
Or rather, he wouldn't have bothered anyone ever again if Amnesty International hadn't complained loudly that the excessive boredom of Elba constituted a deprivation of Napoleon's dignity and was therefore a form of torture that had been outlawed by the Geneva Convention. Even though the allies pointed out about the Elban theartres. As a solution, it was suggested that the former monarch be given an infantry unit and a ship to keep himself occupied. Though several parties vocally opposed this measure, claiming that Napoleon would almost certainly abuse these privileges, eventually they gave in, just to get the pinkos to shut up.
[edit] Waterloo
Well, sure enough, Napoleon did abuse his privileges, and within one hundred days, he'd amassed an army of 340,000 and was back in Paris, governing like nothing had happened. After multiple I-told-you-so's were exchanged, the Allies, lead by the Duke of Wellington, went off to put Napoleon in his place... again.
Here, however, Napoleon met his metaphorical Waterloo when the two armies met at a place called, curiously enough, Waterloo, in Belgium.[13] It was a bloody battle, full of carnage and strife, with both sides sustaining massive casualties[14], punctuated by breaks for waffles. However, in the end, Napoleon got his ass handed to him on a silver platter after Wellington's tactically brilliant move of yelling "Look behind you! It's a Russian winter!".
[edit] Time Travel
Some revisionist historians note that Napoleon was actually transported in time into the late Twentieth Century by William S. Preston, Esq., and Ted "Theodore" Logan. It was while in the future that Napoleon first experienced ice cream and enjoyed a day at the waterpark, Waterlube, in San Dimas, California. Of note, the Napoleon of the future was still really short.
[edit] Exile (again)
The allies exiled Napoleon to St. Helena, which is an island in the middle of the Atlantic (or somewhere around there). On this island a bunch of commies tried to brainwash Bonaparte with Gerard Way's dulcet tones. This time, the whiny liberals were told to stuff it, and Napoleon didn't get any military units to play with, not even his plastic army men, which he so dearly loved to blow up with fireworks. They didn't even let him bring his Risk™ board, either, even though nobody plays Risk™ on St. Helena. This left him with absolutely nothing to do, except pacing, counting the dots on the ceiling tiles in his bedroom (69,105), and scrimshaw. They also took away his platform shoes, which meant he had to go back to moping about his shortness.
Napoleon died in exile in 1824. Later, traces of arsenic were found from his hair, suggesting that he had a very bad hair stylist. Some historians cited this as evidence that Napoleon was murdered by poisoning, and it is much easier to agree with them if you want them to shut up, because let's face it, nothing's worse than a pushy historian. Other scholars claim that he died of boredom, and that anyone who thinks otherwise has never had to spend a week on St. Helena. Still other historians point to a large number of furry hats observed in the area, which could be evidence of a Russian winter. However, for what it's worth, I think it was Colonel Mustard in the Conservatory with the candlestick.
[edit] Myths
Many wonder how such a short man reached such a high power so fast. Some believe he was born of the supreme race of dwarfs that conquered much of the underground mole-people's land. He quickly rose to leader of dwarfs after defeating the previous leader in a game of what is known to them as Kwa-Zu (where the two battle to death using nothing but their bare bodies and ferrets meanwhile being chased by a starved Rosie O'Donnell). Using the powers of head-dwarf he learned the the dark-art of manipulation from a rare breed of elfs that make cookies in a tree. He used this new found power to take over Europeans' weak minds, which had lost their potential over centuries of being dicks, and the rest is history.
Another, slightly less retarded myth is that Napoleon's (alleged) height of 5ft 4 was actually as tall as the average frenchman. Whether true or not, this firmly cements the idea that the people of France were created for the amusement of Americans, who stand at a whopping average of ten centimetres tall.
Oh, and we're all on welfare
[edit] Nickname
Popular mythology claims Napoleon was nicknamed le petit caporal “little corporal” by his troops as a sign off affection. What is not so well know is “corporal” was in fact Napoleon’s official rank in the French army during his entire military career.
On the eve of the French Revolution Napoleon returned to Corsica to deal with the family finances after his father’s death. He overstayed his leave and was temporally demoted from the rank of second lieutenant to corporal as a punishment. When the Revolution hit his commanding officer was denounced as an enemy of the Republic and forced to flee France before he could rescind the punishment rank for Napoleon. With the chaotic situation in France with The Reign of Terror and invasion by the monarchies there was never an opportunity to correct this and Napoleon received a series of brevet promotions from the rank of captain on up to Emperor before anyone realized what had happened.
This presented an irresolvable problem for Napoleon and France. To promote Napoleon needed an officer a higher rank than himself but as Emperor of France there was no one of higher rank. The question consumed Europe as the so called “Napoleonic System” and to deal with it Napoleon created the Legion of Honor to assembled the finest minds in France to deal with this issue. Sadly the Legion of Honor was ultimately unsuccessful but they did invent margarine in an attempt to butter up the Napoleon over their’ failure.
[edit] Footnotes
- ↑ When I say "rather modest," I of course mean "ridiculously puny."
- ↑ And if you need me to tell you how it got that name, you're hopelessly stupid.
- ↑ Of course, being Italian, Napoleon suffered from this as well.
- ↑ Or Major, or Sergeant... ah, who cares?
- ↑ Actually, he was pretty much ripping off Sun Tzu, but nobody bothered to check because they were distracted by Napoleon's huge cannon.
- ↑ Meanwhile, France's oldest and most reputable white-flag making company, Le Grande Wuss, were forced to file for bankruptcy.
- ↑ They were incompetent aristocrats anyway.
- ↑ So called because Napoleon wanted his estate to cover an entire country.
- ↑ And really, at that point the only thing Russia had going for it was its bigness.
- ↑ Also, the only alcohol available was cheap vodka, instead of the more sophisticated champagne that the French troops were used to.
- ↑ And several prostitutes — armies were always followed by prostitutes back then.
- ↑ There might have been a few Russians there, too.
- ↑ What are the odds?
- ↑ A more detailed account of the battle is recounted in "Waterloo," the upbeat pop song by ABBA that won the Eurovision song contest in 1974.
| Preceded by: Napoleon Dynamite | Leader of France 1383-1410 | Succeeded by: Napoleon III |
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The new facts about napoleon says that he was half elven and half dwarven men. It is really interesting that his man didn't said that to anyone else. Maybe undead .......
Napoleon was born on the 15th August in 1769.nn:Napoleon
