Narrowboat
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[edit] Definition
A narrowboat is a kind of boat distinguished from any other form of marine transport because, no matter what the width of any other craft on the same stretch of water is, the narrowboat is always narrower. Narrowboats are constructed according to the system of String Theory, of metaphysical material whose property is that, at need, any of its physical dimensions can be curled up so as to be very small indeed. On meeting another boat, a narrowboat automatically selects the appropriate local spatial dimension, and it then becomes narrower in that dimension.
Before 1980 it was thought that the Lorenz-Fitzgerald contraction was the cause of this phenomenon, until it was pointed out that what appeared to be a red shift was in fact just the red paint that indicated the back end. String Theory accounted for the dimensional variation of narrowboats before anybody noticed the error, so that was all right.
Narrowboats are required to avoid at all times being on the same water as a rowing eight, to avoid the risk of rotation about the long axis. This is because, faced with an Eight, the narrowboat attempts to become narrower. This causes it to topple over. As it topples, the narrowest dimension continues to shift to be approximately horizontal. This does not violate the conservation laws because the rotational energy is actually supplied by the Inherent Improbability Drive (see below).
[edit] Narrowboats and Narrow Boats
There is an important difference between a Narrowboat and a Narrow Boat as defined here.([1]) Memorise this distinction and you will be the life and soul of the party wherever river and canal boaters meet. Or at least you will provide them with passing amusement as they throw you head first into the stinking, Weil's disease infested water.
[edit] Operational definition
For everyday purposes, a narrowboat is defined as "A waterborne craft of maximum beam 2.1i metres and LOA not exceeding 21.5M, with a displacement hull and armament not exceeding a single turret with not more than two 130mm cannon and not more than two torpedo tubes firing conventional torpedos." A narrowboat with more than two torpedo tubes, or with nuclear torpedos, is reclassified as a barge and is not allowed on the Grand Union canal, the Llangollen, or the Thames above Lechlade.
[edit] Operation
Narrowboats are owned and operated, in England, exclusively by retired marine engineers who have higher degrees in both Obsolete Engineering and Theoretical Catastrophics. This particular combination of skills is almost essential to be able to keep the damned things working. Members of the public who lack these qualifications - i.e. 99.9995% of the human race - are occasionally allowed to hire narrowboats from qualified owners, for vast sums of money. It has been discovered that, provided these hirers are completely drunk at all times, they are able to overcome the inherent improbabilities and just drive around bumping into things and apologising to bollards. Physicists explain this by drawing on very large whiteboards and using upside down triangles a lot, while ordering lots of pizza and occasionally muttering "w00t".
[edit] Engineering principles
Narrowboats are powered by the Inherent Improbability drive, which (entirely coincidentally) resembles in unimportant aspects the engine off of some piece of farm machinery built in the Depression by unemployed mime artists. A brief look into the engine room of a narrowboat by a normal engineer will typically result in the comment "It's almost impossible that that fucking thing could ever work", and that is an adequate summary of the operating principle, which is that for any inherently flawed proposal to succeed, it must have less than a one in a million chance (Lex Blockbusterensis). It is necessary that hoses appear to be falling off, that pieces of metal hang around without apparent function, and that moving parts lurch erratically and go "clonk" or "ding" from time to time. The Feynman Diagram actually originated as an attempt to explain how to thread the governor cable of a Gardner engine from the Morse control to the lever, but it turned out that it was more readily applicable to quantum mechanics, which was understood by a lot more people.
[edit] Operating fundamentals
If it ever becomes merely improbable that a narrowboat engine should work, it instantly stops.
The exception to this is the traditional Kelvin engine, which even when in perfect restored order with every part highly polished, is so inherently improbable that it continues to work despite being maintained with obsessive care. Kelvin engine ownership is widely recognised in substance abuse research as the most addictive and destructive addiction of all, worse even than an addiction to crack cocaine, tobacco, or My Little Pony. For a description of an addiction to Kelvin engines, see here.(Not safe for work): [2]
[edit] Historical note
It is not actually clear whether the designer of the Kelvin engine intended a steam engine, a petrol engine, a twin tub washing machine or a four-seater Jacuzzi with surprise Geyser effect, and even the engineering drawings do not give a clue to the answer.
[edit] Heating and Ventilation
The correct (and indeed only socially approved) method of heating a narrowboat is a wood burning stove, though coal is permitted in the Midlands and other treeless wastelands of the British Isles. Tradition requires that the entire heat output, along with choking fumes, should emerge from a rusted pipe just in front of the driver, thus minimising the risk that he or she will be able to see to navigate.
The total ineffectiveness of this means of heating has resulted in many attempts to provide concealed heating systems that will not be noticed by narrowboat purists, thus avoiding opprobium. Many of these involve the use of inflammable, heavier than air gas which, in the event of a leak, collects in the large metal hull until ignited by a stray spark from a woodburning stove. The solution to this minor, if invariably fatal, difficulty is ventilation. Unfortunately the provision of ventilation means that large amounts of cold air sweep through the cabin, completely undoing any heating effect.
Narrowboaters can thus be divided into two classes: summer only, and candidates for involvement in a major explosion.
[edit] Sleeping arrangements
Many narrowboats have the berths (sleeping spaces) arranged lengthways. That way, if the thing rocks during the night, the occupant is liable to fall out. The traditional arrangement is in fact sideways, with a flap or movable portion which is moved out of the way during the daytime to permit passage. There is a simple reason for this. Narrowboats do not pitch much end to end, and so the person on top is much less liable to roll off during sexual intercourse. On the other hand a modicum of side to side rocking is quite pleasant. Since the main function of narrowboats is to provide a romantic environment to facilitate sexual intercourse, this question of berth orientation assumes considerable importance.
For stag and hen parties, lengthwise berthing is considered preferable because it makes it easier to roll over and be sick on the floor, while reducing the chances of falling out during the frequent end on collisions with other boats.
[edit] Poo
One question which is often asked is "What do you do about the poo?" There are several legal, and one illegal, solutions. The illegal solution is just to dump the stuff through a hole, preferably off deck and below water level. In this case it is essential to have some sort of valve arrangement, otherwise there is a risk of what is technically known as "re-entry" followed by loss of buoyancy. It is also a good idea not to do it when anybody is in the vicinity. The penalty for dumping poo in the water is so horrible that it cannot be described here except to note that the liquid they give what is left of you to drink at bedtime in the dungeon looks like, but is not, chocolate.
The three legal solutions are:
- Store the stuff in a big tank under the loo, then pump it out periodically. In deluxe versions, the tank is under the bed and the sludge is pumped there. This creates real fun when the pump, or the tank, needs cleaning out.
- Use a Porta-Potti, AKA Elsan. Stinky.
- Go on shore.
There is in fact a fourth solution which is clean, odourless and easy to operate, but it is expensive, requires extensive engineering ability to implement, and therefore hardly anybody knows about it except life members of the Thomas Crapper Society. Which you aren't, so don't bother asking.
[edit] Tests of manhood
Set under this item because, in fact, the two tests of manhood that must be undergone by those who wish to become fully qualified marine engineers are firstly, to empty out and flush a full poo tank using only British Waterways equipment, without ending up with brown boots; and secondly, to walk half a mile with a full Porta-Potti and then to empty it into a British Waterways facility, also without ending up with brown boots. Women achieving these feats are instantly made honorary men under the Marine Engineering Code, Chapter LXVII Sect. 198.23., to avoid the misfortune that would attend upon having a woman on board who could change a fuel injector.
[edit] Benefits
Until 2007, there was no risk that you would find yourself on the same water as a politician, and therefore liable to be accidentally shot by Special Branch. With the change of Government this is no longer as true as it was, and a new fashion for taking holidays in the UK means that you should give a wide berth to any narrowboat accompanied by a flotilla of assault craft full of men talking to their lapels and armed with submachine guns.
However, climate change has created the new benefit that, if you live on a narrowboat anywhere near the Severn, you can get insurance and even expect to keep your feet dry in a British Summer. Even if you may wake up one morning in Gloucester High Street.
[edit] Habitat
Narrowboats travel on long open tanks of water called canals. These were introduced in the 18th Century by a group of Biblical literalists, as a means of facilitating transport. When they discovered that the New Testament lacked information crucial to their use as footpaths, and that as a result the promised transport revolution was postponed until the Rapture, they left for America, inventing Creationism on the way. Meanwhile back home it was discovered that the abandoned network of canals could, with modifications, be used for boats. They continued in this way until rendered obsolete by first the railways and then the articulated lorry. Today they are used for narrowboats (and shopping trolleys in urban areas.)
[edit] Hazards to navigation
[edit] Other drivers
The principal hazard of navigation per se is other drivers. (The person holding the stick at the back is correctly called the "driver", not "skipper", "captain", "helmsman" or indeed any other terms suggestive of nautical activity. This thing is basically a farm cart with a wet bottom, powered by an inherently improbable propulsive means.) Other drivers are always wrong. They do not know the rule of navigation (Do not hit things). They do not know the horn signals:
One blast - You are a tosser
Two blasts - So is your friend
Three blasts - I am screwing your mom
Four blasts - I am drunk
Five blasts - I am too drunk to count up to 4
Six Blasts - Please pass on opposite side, as I am emptying my toilet.
and they do not know Port from Starbucks.
[edit] Arsing about
Arsing about is in fact a highly technical term (and just telling you this could get me into trouble with the Environment Agency.) Ordinarily, anyone wishing to turn round a narrowboat does so by trying to keep the pointy end stationary, and rotating the blunt end in a circle. This is because the engine and the rudder (or tail fluke) is at the blunt end.
From time to time the uninstructed miss this fundamental point, usually owing to excessive exposure to ethanol. They then attempt to turn round by moving the front end while keeping the blunt or arse end stationary. This does not work. Hence the origin of the term "arsing about", meaning to engage in a tedious and ultimately pointless exercise.
Of course, this might just be an extra-urban myth. Or it might be an insightful revelation about etymology. This is Uncyclopedia; we report, you decide.
[edit] Legal hazards - Kate Bush
When a weir on her property collapsed owing to lack of maintenance, lawyers for the singer attempted to prevent British Waterways from gaining access to the site without paying "compensation". This was unsuccessful. However, the author of this piece did learn something from this. He had always thought that Kate Bush was an American. Dear Americans, apologies are due. (In fact Americans who hire narrowboats are almost invariably nice, kind, helpful and friendly people who never need horn signals directed at them as above. And some of them are lawyers.)
[edit] Physical hazards - locks
The principal hazard of canals is a structure called a "Lock". This is a big box with doors at each end, between two sections of canal at different levels. When the doors are opened, all the water runs out of the higher section into the lower one. This is not considered to be a good idea, and locks are now there purely for decorative purposes. They are provided with a long wooden bench sticking out of each side at each end. These benches have an interesting history. Isambard Republic Brunel, the more contrary brother of the more famous Kingdom, provided in his will a trust fund to manufacture them. In his youth he had constantly complained of the lack of places to have open air sex, and these backless and extremely strong benches were designed to be ideal for the purpose.
[edit] Getting round locks
When a narrowboat needs to travel from one section of canal to another, it is a simple matter of craning it out of the water onto an articulated lorry and then craning it back into the water again. To this end, British Waterways maintain a convenient network of large articulated lorries and cranes, paid for by an annual licence fee.
If as a hirer you come up to a lock and wish to proceed beyond it, simply dial 112 on your mobile phone and ask the operator for "BW lock assistance". Unless you are Kate Bush, in which case you will need to dial a premium rate line based in Tuvalu, where there are no charging limits.
