National Football League
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Contents |
[edit] No Fun League
“That's racist!”
~ Al Sharpton on the Cleveland Browns
“YEA!!!! WOOOOO HOOOOOOO!!!! SUCK PATS! SUCK IT LONG TIME!!!”
~ N.Y. Jets Fans on Their Least Favorite Football Team
“OH NO BILL!!! WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO NOW????? HOW CAN WE WIN IF I DON'T KNOW THE DEFENSIVE PLAYS OF OUR OPPONENTS????”
~ Tom Brady(best QB in the league) on New England Patriots getting busted during "Spy Gate" scandal.
“What the fuck is a Bill?”
~ Clueless Western New Yorker on the team that nobody cares about
“To Hell with the Redskins!”
~ Andrew Jackson on His Least Favorite Football Team
“We're not arrogant, we're just better than you!!”
~ The Dallas Cowboys on Everyone
“Yes, Green Bay is in FUCKING WISCONSIN!”
~ Vince Lombardi on Demons of Hell
“For the last god damn time, I am not coming back! I have been playing so long, hell, my testicles have become footballs!”
~ Brett Favre on returning back into the NFL
The No Fun League (NFL) is an American football league that has been around since 1920 and are scared to play multiple games in a week. Since 1967, the champions have played a "Superb Owl" at the end of the season to determine who can beat the crap out of a bird. The most recent bird-beating champion was the New Jersey Giants, who beat the New England P.A.T.R.I.O.T.s for the right to be called "Superb Owl Champions".
[edit] Teams
Each NFL team has a long and glorious history that is so complicated, it can easily be summed up in a short paragraph.
[edit] NFC
[edit] NFC North
[edit] Green Bay Fudge-Packers
The Green Bay Fudge-Packers, are the NFL's oldest team. They've been around since before videogames and rice pudding. That explains their "queer" name and their "tasty" colors. Fudge-Packers history is long and glorious. They have won the most Championships of any team, and would have won the most Super Bowls as well, if the AFL and NFL had gotten their act together a year earlier, and if John Elway couldn't fly. Vince Lombardi, the man for whom the Super Bowl trophy is named, led the Packers to glory during the transition into the Superb Owl era. He did this with the on-field leadership of Ray Nitschke, a linebacker who "killed God", according to a local paper. The Golden Boy, Paul Hornung, was the last great running back to wear Reggie Bush's number in the NFL. Bart Starr's spiky haircut and in-your-face attitude led to his name being stolen and implemented by Matt Groening, and Max McGee cleared his vision enough to make great plays in the first Super Bowls. Although they had some dark times in the 70s and 80s, the Packers once again have emerged to become a powerhouse extending into the current era, under Superstar Quarterback Brett Favre. Favre, along with Reggie White, would bring another championship to the many they already had, and should have brought another one, but aparently, the NFL doesn't have rules against using flight steroids. It was believed at one point that Aaron Rodgers was going to be Favre's successor in Green Bay, but due to the Packers' stubborn dedication to Brett, this does not appear likely, and he will probably become another part of Jon Gruden's quarterback collection.
[edit] Minnesota Norwegians
The Norwegians are a violent horde of fearsome Norsemen, which would make one think that they would be perfect for the aggressive, war-like game football. However, due their gross lack of understanding of even the most basic concepts of this foreign game, this is not actually the case. Their most promising era was during the late 60s and 70s when they prayed to the great and powerful Odin for victory in battle. In response, the mighty Odin sent them the Purple People Eaters who were very efficient in eating their opponents' offenses alive. Their favorite delicacy was quarterbacks. Striking fear into all the challengers the Vikings faced, the Purple People Eaters led the Vikings to four chances at the Superb Owl, but they failed each time. Later, as character problems arose, the Vikings eliminated trouble makers Randy Moss , Barney, and Daunte Culpepper. As a celebration for the extermination of the two, the Vikings players celebrated by hosting a Girls Gone Wild party. The Vikings have gotten some new success in running back, Adrian Peterson, a prodigy greater than that of even LaDainian Tomlinson. Because of this, he has become approximately 115.9% of the Vikings' offense, and a small fraction of their defense, and is expected to achieve the first 100000000 yard season in NFL history.
[edit] Da Bearz
The "Mediocrity of the Midway" has probably the longest and most fucked up history of any NFL team, though their recent history has not been impressive at all since "Monster testing" has been put into effect. Devoid of their monsters, the Bears have struggled to keep up with the league's other teams, despite Brian Urlacher's tendency to bite off the heads of opposing players. Great players from Chicago's past include Gale Sayers (a wind elemental), Cade McNown (who later went on to rule the world), Sweetness (a taste elemental), and Dick Butkus (had some interesting hobbies). Chicago used to have the biggest asshole coach in NFL history, Teddy Bear Halas, who currently resides in a cave in Siberia eating heads with Brian Urlacher. Their current QB is Rex Grossman, who is comparable to the fragile leg lamp in A Christmas Story. When he breaks, the Bears will have to rely on Kyle Orton, who, despite his grizzly appearance, has been confirmed as a waste of air by NFL defenses.
[edit] Da Toilet Lions
The Lions are one of those teams that did a fantastic job turning a once proud franchise into moist toilet paper faster than you can say "Rod Marinelli likes men." Basically, they're the Red Wings in reverse. The golden era of Lion football peaked in the 1950s, with teams so great their members today could beat the current Lions effortlessly, though the youngest is currently in his 70s and only about a dozen players are still alive. The Lions have the distinction of having the greatest cornerback and running back in NFL history. The cornerback's name was Dick Lane. In 1989, a college criminal at Oklahoma State named Barry Sanders was sentenced to ten years with the Detroit Lions, and despite being one of the greatest running backs of all time, suffered miserably. Recently, the Lions made a deal with the Make-A-Wish Foundation, and the organization sent Matt Millen to the Lions. Today, the Lions have the distinction of loading up on offense, specifically wide receivers, and leaving a variety of small rodents to play defense. They are pretty much the same as the Cincinnati Johnsons, except for the fact that they have only one notable Johnson on their roster.
[edit] NFC East
[edit] Washington Scarletskins
They first came around as a group joined with Tecumseh but were easily defeated by William Henry Harrison who threw for 4 touchdowns and had 381 passing yards. Their arch rival is Andrew Jackson, the greatest president ever. Like many teams from the 50's, this team was named after those darn Indians, who wouldn't just let us take the land God gave us in all his wisdom. This team was the only one to put them in their place with a name that called them what they were, lousy sub-human squatters. Anyway, the team had the distinction of being the only team from "the South" (as apparently reconstruction was a little behind schedule) for many years, before Dallas applied for a football team. As this was obvious to the Redskins management that having a team actually based in the south that also happened to not have a racist name was a bad deal for "the South's" team, they blocked the move. Dallas's ownership bought the rights to the Redskins' themesong ("Hail to the Redskins") and renamed it "Heil to der Fuhrer," in retaliation. Ever since, the teams have hated each other though Dallas can never beat the Redskins and take their land away. But enough about the most bitter rivalry in the NFL, you want to know about the team.... blah blah blah. Let's talk some more about the racist name. Dan Snyder, the current owner, is trying the patent the word "Redskin" so that no one can use it without paying him $20 and giving him Skittles, but that's partially to stop all the protests in the parking lot before each game.
[edit] New York Midgets
The New York Giants are anything but Giants of the game. Their past few years have been marked by worthlessness, ever since getting their asses beat by Baltimore in the Super bowl. The team had a few rays of sunshine, namely Tiki Barber. Fortunately, Tiki Barber will no longer be playing for the Giants. Jeremy Shockey, a deranged former pro-wrestler, was probably the best player they had left, but he was traded to New Orleans. He currently owns the title for best tattoo after defeating the incumbent, a member of MS 13. Eli Manning, the current Giants quarterback and the brother of Peyton Manning, became a plague when he decided not to head to San Diego, and instead play for the Giants. When the staff saw Eli play in his first game, they were absolutely infuriated at the fact that they found someone worse than Anthony Wright. It was even rumored that the New York mob had set up his funeral the next day. Well, off of the negatives, let's try to find a player worthwhile to talk about. There is only one such player, Plaxico Burress or Plastic Co Burress. Burress is known to have the stickiest hands in the entire league after an unfortunate glue accident where he was shot with glue rays and became the Incredible Stick. Plaxico tends to not tackle defenders that have intercepted the ball, fist fights with 61 year old head coach Tom Coughlin when he doesn't get his way, is known to gangbang with the Carolina Panthers after they lose a game, and loves to throw his hands in the air in disgust when his teammates do not achieve at a high enough level. They also have Jared Lorenzen who is about 600 pounds overweight.
- Update* Superbowl XVII (42) took place at the University of Phoenix stadium on February 3, 2008, where the Giants won.... amazingly. Critics believe this resulted because of Tom Brady's lack of knowledge towards the Giants offensive strategy throughout the entire game. AN NFL record was set this game where Brady, the QB, was sacked an amazing 22 gazillion times. With each sack, spectators in attendance say Brady could be heard screaming WHY, WHY, WHY DID WE HAVE TO GET BUSTED CHEATING ON THE JETS??? THIS IS NOT FAIR!!!!
[edit] Philadelphia Feagles
The Philadelphia Eagles, The 1st NFL team fallen under the T.U.B.N. plan (Teams Using Bird Names) are also known as "The most hated team in sports", has the best luck of any franchise in the NFL. Seriously. They're luckier than the Yankees. And Jesus, I mean, think about it. A kicker whose long FG was 29 yards on the year and was 2/5 on the season hits a 62 yard FG while time expires to win the game. Donovan McNabb tears his ACL untouched. Terrell Owens snaps his ankle just in time for the most important part of the season. Randall Cunningham gets injured in 1991, when the Eagles had the best defense in the league, and they miss the playoffs. Rich Kotite. They're blessed. They also have, hands down, the best fans in the NFL. Year after year the Eagles figure out new ways to rip their fans hearts out, and they keep coming back. Some experts think that this makes the Eagles fans zombies, but that hasn't been proven as of yet. But still, at least some people like them I guess. Keep dreaming guys....keep dreaming.
[edit] Dallas Brokeback Mountain Club
The Dallas Brokeback Mountain Club, or DBMC for short, have had a long history of living up to their team name. Ever since their inception into the league they have been the hated nemesis of the Washington Scarletskins, who come to Dallas every year to steal their babies and other such rigamaroll. As a result, the DBMC now holds an annual gay orgy in front of the stadium, meant to raise the spirits of dead homosexuals to drive the Scarletskins away with their girliness and such. The tradition continues today, with the fans often getting involved. On the field, the homosexuality is even more intense, as guys like Emmitt Smith would waltz into the endzone sporting nothing but a flowery pink tutu. The franchise is currently owned by the hated Jerry Jones, who thrives on devouring the small market teams. The head coach is Wade Phillips, who is rather comparable to a marshmallow, but probably tastes more like ham. Coincidentally, their quarterback Tony Romo's last name rhymes with "homo," though for cliche purposes it is not worth mentioning. YES, PEOPLE, IT IS GETTING OLD! He is currently dating wide receiver and convicted child pornographer Terrell Owens, who seems to not like playing without first being administered a firm spank on the behind, preferably by his boyfriend Tony Romo. The team currently has nothing going for them but Jerry Jones' deep pockets to waste money on future playoff disappointments.
[edit] NFC South
[edit] Atlanta Dog Fighters
The Atlanta Falcons are the 200th team enacted under the NFL's new T.U.B.N. plan (Teams Using Bird Names). At the time of naming the team, a poll was taken in Atlanta for possible team names; The most popular were the Atlanta Pigeons (as Atl is filled with these shitting fuckers), Atlanta Swans (the name seemed admissible being Atlanta has the 2nd largest gay population in the U.S.), Atlanta SeaGull wings (theres no oceans in Atlanta so the person that voted for this was maimed and sent to sleep with the fishes), and Atlanta Wet Willies (theres a pending law suit from the famous club in Miami for possible trademark and copy right infrigements). Thus the owner of Atlanta, The Billion dollar man Ted Turner (wealthier cousin of the Million Dollar Man Ted Debiase) decided that despite Atlantians wanting the NFL team to be called the Atlanta Birdshitters, he would prefer the name be the Falcons, coinciding with the Atlanta Hawks (the worst NBA team in NBA history), and Thrashers (a bird that supposedly thrashes all its opponents, yet has never won anything significant.)
When the Atlanta dogfighters were an expansion team, they were placed in the NFC West and promised the Dallas Cowboys' spot in the NFC East the next time the NFL realigned. 30+ years later, they were finally moved to the NFC South (which was created for them), and the Cowboys STILL got to keep their spot in the NFC East. Until that time, the Falcons had to stay in the same division as the 49ers, the best team in football during that stretch. Because of this, many Falcons claim that the NFL unfairly favors the Cowboys and hates the Falcons. They're right, of course, but nobody cares, because nobody likes the Falcons. They made the Super Bowl that one year anyway, right? Woo run-and-shoot! Er, wait, that was gone by then (freaking Jamal Anderson...). They've had many great players over the years. Ok, so maybe they haven't, they DID have a lot of uniform changes, though, and that's almost as good. Ok, so maybe not. Anyway, Deion Sanders prime time wasn't so prime anymore! Man, he was awesome before he left, wasn't he? Chris Chandler wasn't bad either until he started finishing every game in the ER. And how about that Michael Vick and you know PETA was all up on his grill!, huh? Best running back in the NFL. On another note, the term Dirty Birds actually derives from their current team. Vick is flipping them at Mora and Arthur Blanks (Falcons owner), Mora is flipping them at Vick and Blanks, Blanks is flipping birds at Vick, Mora, and the enitre city of Atlanta, while everyone else is flipping birds them at the receivers and Agle Crumple. Meanwhile the world is flipping off Vick. (and his cell mate is flipping that booty ruff house style) This team sure knows how to win in a dogfight, though...
[edit] Carolina Klanzmen
The Carolina Panthers are the last team to be given a useless name under the Useless Names Given to Useless Teams Amendment. This team got the team name of "Panthers" from the name of Michael Jackson's play-mate, Panther. The Panthers are deeply associated with Michael Jackson, because Steve Smith hates him. At one point, the organization was known for being insanely racist, and frequently instituted KKK members as players and coaches. This was until Roger Goodell knocked some sense into those bastards, causing them to become slightly less racist, though they still have a white quarterback (as most teams do, strangely enough). A move is being made to rename the team the "Carolina Black Panthers," though it is also condemned as being racist. God, what the hell can we come up with that can't be considered racist?! GAAAAAAHHH!! I'M GOING HOME!! Interesting fact: More Panthers fans have been known to wear Dale Earnhardt gear to games than Carolina Panthers gear. Dah well.... moving right along to more important teams.
[edit] New Orleans Priest Boys
They say that nice guys finish last. From this statement, you can tell the Saints' entire history. Peyton Manning's father played for the Saints, and he didn't win a championship either. For fifteen years, the Saints best record before 1979 was 3-11. Recently, however, the Saints have picked up their game. In 2005 the Saints lost only once. Unfortunately, it was to Hurricane Katrina and it counted 13 times. This year's team is doing much better since the Houston Texans gave them Reggie Bush in a deal that was "absolutely not orchestrated by the league to make the feel-good sports story of the century," according to an official report. Drew Brees, the Saints' quarterback, insists he did not fake a shoulder injury because he was in the conspiracy. He just wanted out of San Diego.
[edit] Tampa Bay Buttpirates
The Bucs have had one of the most miserable histories of all NFL teams. When the expansion team began in 1976, disaster struck. The Bucs finished 0-14 and were literally killed by the competition. Half of the players were brutally murdered by the powerful opponents, and the other half committed suicide when forced to look at the team uniforms. The team managed to win a Superb Owl in the 2002 season, and did well until the 2006 season, where their gaining popularity attracted rival pirate clans where they were brutally slaughtered, again. Despite all of that, Ronde Barber was brought back from the dead by consuming his brother Tiki's soul, where Ronde managed to win 4 games by himself. In response to Ronde destroying Tampa Bay's chances of getting the first overall pick in the draft, he was burned at the stake and is now serving time in Hell working as an anchor for the ABC News. To answer this occurrence, the team proceeded to sign every available quarterback they could get, as long as they had no football ability whatsoever, and were able to put coach John Gruden back in his happy place. The team recently acquired Jeff Garcia based solely on his notariety of having the biggest forehead in football. That forehead must have some real huge eyes as in 2007 Jeff Garcia threw 3 interceptions. Linebacker Derrick Brooks has been given the title "The Most Tobacco Smokin', White Woman Snatchin', Spine Snappin', Pot Lickin', Cat Lovin', Darned Scalawag of a Buccaneer of all the Seven Seas" or simply known as "Blackskin". The team's bus Cadillac Williams tore a wheel and backup bus Earnest Graham drove them to the biggest choke ever.
[edit] NFC West
This division, until the realignment in 2002 was very geographically correct. The Atlanta Falcons, New Orleans Saints and Carolina Panthers were in this division. Then the NFC south was created in 2002 to accomodate teams with less than 5 playoff appearances
[edit] San Francisco 69ers
(Though based in San Francisco, this team surprisingly has nothing to do with the number 69.) The San Francisco 49ers moved from the AFC to the NFL a very long time ago, and brought their uniforms with them, and is the first team to be given a useless name under the Useless Names Given to Useless Teams Amendment. The idea for the name 49ers came from exactly much you can pay for gay sex in San Francisco. They didn't change their uniforms for 40 years after that, and the new ones they picked out looked even worse. But at least they didn't look like the Titans' unis. Ugh. Anyway, they had years and years of pathetic almost-goodness, before picking up Bill Walsh from some local college team. He immediately went to work righting the ship, singing O. J. Simpson, a player that would serve as a role model for his young team both on the field and off. He then went to work drafting great players like Joe "Glass Jaw" Montana (who holds the NFL record for broken backs), Dwight "White Guy" Clark (who played receiver though he couldn't jump), Ronnie Lott (who had 24-hour supervision after he removed his own finger), Jerry Rice (who played until he was 50), Steve Young (who wasn't as good as MONTANA, for crying out loud), Charles Haley (who left so he could win more Superb Owls), and Terrell Owens (the greatest team player in NFL history). Walsh won some of Superb Owls, but his teams played dirty and used cut blocks, so he was eventually run out of town. Then Seifert was brought in, but he was run out because he didn't win as many Superb Owls. The 49ers used a strategy of trading away their best players at the peak of their careers to help make their team better for a longer time. This worked great until Young retired before reaching his prime, which just screwed the whole system up. Now the team is languishing in patheticness as each of the best players is traded away in their prime. The next scheduled trade is Frank Gore, the 49ers' latest Pro Bowler.
Also duly noted, being in San Francisco (the Gay Capital of America) makes the 49er's the NFL's gayest team by default. As seen during the pres game shows and halftime performances at the now infamous "Mile High Stadium". (this is not to be confused with the "Mile High Club" which can be found in your local friendly skys)
[edit] Seattle SeaCawks
The Seahawks were added in 1976 as an expansion team to the NFC Central as a part of the NFL's new T.U.B.N. plan (Teams Using Bird Names). They were later moved to the AFC West, and finally back to the NFC West. This has given them the distinction as the only team to have losing seasons in three different NFL divisions. The Seahawks are also one of only three teams to make the championship games in both Conferences, but nobody cares because they've never won it all. What's sad is that they're the best sports franchise Seattle has to date. Pity. The Seahawks stole the 12th man from Texas A&M, which is currently under review by the NFL as a possible violation of the "11 men on the field at any given time, maximum" rule. Because of this, the Seahawks were stripped of the Super Bowl title and it was given to the Pittsburgh Steelers and their kamikazee Quarterback. The Seahawks will always be remembered as the team that bent over and took it in the ass during the most boring Superbowl in NFL history.... hands down....ever.
The greatest player in Seahawk history was Steve Largent, who WAS considered the greatest receiver ever until he became a Republican Senator, and no one wanted to admit they thought a Republican was good at anything. Current stars include Shaun Alexander (record-holder for most touchdowns scored while smiling), Lofa Tatupu (current holder for most misspelled name for a 2005 rookie), and Walter Jones (biggest man on campus). Mike Holmgren, their current coach, is known for being a Packer. Stop laughing!
[edit] Arizona Nardicals
The Arizona Cardinals are the 39th team to be added under the NFL's new T.U.B.N. plan (Teams Using Bird Names). However after severe controversy surrounding the fact that the only birds in Pheonix are Vultures (hot ass desert), the state decided to step in and request that the Cardinals be named "Arizona" instead. (however, no one really cared or gave a rat's ass so moving right along....)
The Cardinals are one of few teams that has consistently been rotting garbage for nearly their entire existence, and have been a laughingstock for years. No really. Even Lions fans laugh at them. Arizona is commonly referred to as "the place where careers go to die". (unlike the Oakland Raiders where players go who careers are over forever...) In their long history the Cardinals have only mustered up a few legends, such as Dan Dierdorf, Frank Sanders, Neil Rackers, Edgerrin James, and Kurt Warner. Still, the team gets high attendance due to the halftime entertainment, in which Dennis Green and Leonard Davis battle in an eating competition. However, on the field the Cardinals are always at the bottom of the league. They are who we thought they were. The complete personification of Losers. (Sorry Browns Fans, this title is taken.)
[edit] St. Louis Dodge Rams
The St. Louis Rams originally started off as a team from some other league playing in Cleveland. They were pretty mediocre, but the NFL accepted them anyways, except that the owner of the team left the officials, coaching staff, and players back in the other league. So they decided to get new players, but the team sucked until the Cleveland Rams won their first NFL title a long time ago. They decided to move to Los Angeles the year after the Championship, and did pretty okay. At this time, they had a defensive line called the "Fearsome Foursome" (no sexual joke intended) which helped their fanbase in Los Angeles. They went into a slight decline in the 70's, until some dude named Jack Youngblood got the Rams to the Super Bowl by himself only to have his career ended by a broken leg against the Steelers. They had crap seasons in the years following that Super Bowl, so their crackwhore owner moved them to Anaheim and kept the Los Angeles name, even though Los Angeles is about 2 hours away from Anaheim. Their seasons there were lackluster, and they decided to move to St. Louis for no obvious reason. The Rams got ahold of some Pop Warner player, Kurt Warner, a former Spice Girl who took the Rams to the Super Bowl. Warner is now a washed up windbag (because of his oldness) and plays with the Cardinals for that reason. The Rams still have a few of their Super Bowl players left (and they're really old), who include Isaac Bruce, Torry Holt, and some other guys that nobody really knows about.
[edit] AFC
[edit] AFC East
[edit] New England Rapetriots
The New England Patriots were a team that had moderate success in Boston, before moving to New England and getting whooped in the Superb Owl by the Bears. Then they were quickly demoralized and became the worst team in the NFL, so in the early 90s they hired Superb Owl winning coach Bill Parcells, and all was well. They went straight back to the Superb Owl... and lost again, this time murdered by the Packers. The team fell from grace again, and it wasn't until the New England Patriot Act was passed in 2001, which made it legal for the Patriots to win the Superb Owl by any means necessary (emphasis added). After winning three Superb Owls in four years in ways that made Tom Brady look like Joe Montana, Bill Belichick look like Vince Lombardi, and Tedy Bruschi look like Dick Butkus, it's turned out they only won by cheating and stealing other teams' signals, even tho they only did it once in 2007 after they had won the 3 Superb Owls, and that it had nothing to do with Adam Vinatieri being the second coming of Christ. That was just a coincidence. Oh, by the way, he's gone. *Update.... Tom Brady and the Pats LOST Superb Owl 42 in what sports analysts have called the "Greatest Comeback" in NFL history.
But in the 2007-2008 season, they went 0-16 to the Superb Owl where they need to beat the New York Giants (which is going to happen by the way) ***Another Update, on 2/3/2008, the N.Y. Giants in what most analysts consider to be the new "Cinderella" team of the NFL lubed up the Pats and gave them the shaft rod several times over... thus causing Tom Brady to be fired and hired as someones' bitch since they could not go undeafeated in a single season and win the Superbowl. But we dont have to worry bout that isn't that right Brady..ooops I suppose we do..... as on February 3rd 2008, the Patriots were winning in the last two minutes of the super bowl but gave up thinking they had it all but they DIDN'T, BEOTCH!!! Recent reports have sighted Tom Brady in Central Park selling handjobs for 3 bucks a pop. Bill Bellicheat has fallen further into alcoholism. and Tedy Bruschi has had 9 more strokes. Recent rumors are reported that Tom Brady was traded for Bill Parcells' grandmother, a first round pick and a blow job from Randy Moss. Belichick declined the offer because he needed someone to give HIM a blow job while he spied on other teams signals.
[edit] Winnipeg Jets
The Winnipeg Jets (formerly the Jersey Kamikazes) were the second team to be given a useless name under the Useless Names Given to Useless Teams Amendment. This team is called the Jets because they fly all over the world to see stupid shit, specifically your mom. At their last stop in 2005, after a 3-13 season with the Jets, Herman Edwards was reported to have been tossed off the airplane by Chad Pennington after violating his apple pie. Edwards swore ultimate vengeance on all fruit filled pastries and ended up in Kansas City, where he took off by coaching the Kansas City Chiefs, and told them that you play to win the chicks and the beer and not the game. The Jets then hired Bill Belichick's former henchman as their coach, and compiled a 0-0 record in the month after his hiring. The Jets recently signed former great Joe Namath to a 5 year/700 Jack Daniels contract to play linebacker for them. Eric Mangini asked Namath how he feels about this to which he replied, "I want to kiss you". Mangini declined and ended up getting raped by Namath that night after he took too many Nyquil's.
[edit] Miami Dollfucks
The Miami Dolphins are probably the best team in the NFL's AFC division history. As shown with the pretty successful history since its enacting into the NFL in 1867. In 1972, under the toolage of Don Schula (the teams best coach), the team went undefeated and won the Superb Owl. No other NFL team has ever done that before or since including the 2008 N.E. Pats, who lost miserably to the Giants in Superb Owl 42 in what all sports analysts title the "Greatest Can Opening of Whoopass" in sports history!) But enough about that, I guess.
Then in 2007, they went -1-15. It was interesting since Ronnie Brown set a record in the only win the had. The record was for singing the most American Idol songs while gaining 0 yards or less. After Dan Marino retired, the Dolphins had trouble at quarterback. This was the era in which the Dolphins became the first and only team in NFL history to manage to score negative points in a game. A.J. Feeley, Jay Fiedler, Ray Lucas, Joey (Falcon Bound) Harrington, Gus "Head Trauma" Frerotte, Daunte "Love Boat" Culpepper, Trent 'ouch my head' Green and Cleo (Cocktail Fruit) Lemon have all attained legendary goat status in Miami. They were coached by Nick "The Vacuum Cleaner Salesman" Saban until he decided to quit without being man enough to tell his players or coaches in person (or at all). Oh yeah . . . and Ricky Williams smokes weed and is SAD in case you hadn't heard. (No, seriously, he has a anxiety disorder called SAD or Social Anxiety Disorder) as shown by him wearing his helmet during post game interviews and leaving the NFL to play in the CFL (Canadian Football League??? WTF???)
As stated by Williams in several interviews.... "this is not because of the weed smoking. I only use it to help with my SAD disorder."
[edit] Buffalo (Toronto) Fills
The Buffaronto Bills are the third team to be given a useless name under the Useless Names Given to Useless Teams Amendment. I mean seriously, tell me where in the fuck are there any buffalo in upstate New York? The Bills history is so rotten it makes Lions fandom look like a blessing. This brutality is likely due a combination of their losing forty Superbowls in a row, and the sacrifice of every Orphan in the city to Satan in an effort to have a better record next season. Possibly lost all those Super Bowls in a row because of their "If the glove don't fit, you must quit" policy, which held Andre Reed and James Lofton out, because the Bills are too poor to afford gloves that fit. The saddest moment in their history occurred when they lost a Superb Owl via a missed kick by S'got A. Norwoody. Currently, their best player is their punter Brian Moorman. They used to play under quarterback JP Losman, the best QB ever...EVER!! They will be moving to Toronto next year and joining the CFL, after decades of failure in Buffalo. Hey! O.J. Simpson once played for this team! Buffalo was the only football team in Canada before they moved to the CFL, because Buffalo is in Canada, eh? After moving to Toronto, the Bills will play both NFL and CFL games, becoming the first ever sports team to play two games simultaneously.
[edit] AFC West
[edit] Oakland Panty Raiders
Known throughout the league as the most brutal team out there. So brutal in fact that by law and Executive Order #6875309 they cannot be broadcasted on radio or television. Owned by a 12143423 year old man named Al "Antichrist" Davis. He insists on making all the decisions despite being as alive as Pope John Paul II. Silver & Black, signifying their servants' ill-gotten gains, and black, signifying their empty, pitted souls. The Raiders have a tendency of being criminals and pot-addicts. In fact, Al Davis makes sure each player has been in jail, and has the smell of weed, in order to be signed by the Raiders. If not they are forced to go into Al Davis's office, where he can pull a medieval lever. The Raiders always win games, but only by breaking into the opponents locker room, shooting them, and running before anybody calls the cops. But still, this team sucks ass anyway...
[edit] San Diego Chiggers
The Chargers were the first professional football team to be named for spending money, though several followed this illustrious trend since. San Diego has been the home to some of the best offensive and defensive players in NFL history, though unfortunately not at the same time, which accounts for their whopping zero NFL championships. They do however have an AFL championship, which they swear is just as good, but the world knows better. In the 60's and 70's, Lance Alworth (nicknamed Bambi because his mother was murdered in cold blood by gunmen) was quite possibly the most graceful receiver of all time, before they allowed blacks to play. In the 80's, Dan Fouts (often mistaken for Grizzly Adams in public) would throw to Kellen Winslow (a well-named tight end) to try to keep up with the huge leads their defenses would give up. In the 90's, the focus changed when the Chargers traded away their entire offense for Junior Seau, who somehow managed to get to the Super Bowl by himself. He was overmatched by the 49ers, however, as they had 22 great players to the Chargers' one player total. Modern greats in San Diego include L.T. more like booty (Greatest running back Marty Schottenheimer ever coached, since he doesn't fumble at the goalline in the playoffs like that Byner jerk), Antonio Gates (a basketball great who was signed since San Diego has no basketball team; though San Diego used to be home of the Houston Rockets and Los Angeles Clippers), and Drew Brees... oh wait, nevermind. He was donated to New Orleans for hurricane relief... Well, at least they've still got a great coach in Marty Schottenheimer. Oh wait...
[edit] Denver Horseshit
At first blush, the Denver Broncos may strike someone as having the ugliest uniforms in the AFC West. But, as hard as it is to believe now, they were once even uglier. Early Broncos history has been lost in history due tot he successful invasion of a Stanford Cardinal from Baltimore. The only record they even existed is a mention in the great Cowboy chronicle "The showdown at the Superdome," which mentions Craig Morton, a Bronco, threw 7 interceptions. The Raider from the coast (John Elway, or "The Horse Smiler" as his enemies called him) quickly rode into town and laid down a new law. This law was that quarterbacks could now run, offense could win championships, and the quarterback would now take snaps from the guard. Many of these reforms proved unsuccessful, but that didn't stop one man from going out of his way to bring a Championship to Denver. This didn't work either, of course, and so he finally allowed the team to let other players on the field near the end of his career, when it seemed his dream would never be fulfilled. Finally surrounded by other players in the same, butt-ugly jerseys as his own, he triumphed over the league, then did it again the next year to make sure it wasn't a dream. Then he left. Interesting note: all Bronco history AFTER Elway has been lost, too.
[edit] Kansas City Iron Chiefs
This team sucks so much, no one except for Mewtwo's brother wants to write about them. They are the ONLY team in the NFL to have a Hispanic tight end that is actually good but, of course, everyone knows that there is no fucking tight end in NFL history that can carry a team to a Super Bowl. The Chiefs play home games in Arrowhead Stadium, a building where no one except Jesus has ever, EVER, EVAR been able to win, ever, not even the Chiefs themselves...ever.
It's not the Chiefs fault that they suck however, in 1989 a curse came in the form of Carl Peterson. When King Carl isn't doing his best to get first overall draft pick, he gives the Chiefs fans hope until the very end where he crushes that hope with a humiliating loss.
[edit] AFC South
[edit] Indianapolis Peyton Mannings
Used to be the Baltimore Colts but decided to convert after they found out that Sammy Sosa was coming to the Orioles. They moved to the midwest so Baltimore wouldn't be able to find out where they went; fortunately for them, Baltimore is basically a crackhouse, so no one noticed until Art Modell came for a visit. Anyway, they drafted Peyton Manning, who is the greatest choker of dick since Dan Marino, sporting a career .300 average in the playoffs (this isn't baseball, Manning). It has been stated by Reverend Billy Graham that if Peyton Manning and Tom Brady keep playing against each other, the apocalypse will arrive another ten months earlier than expected.
[edit] Jacksonville Faguars
The Jacksonville Jaguars are the most historic team in the NFL. They trace all the way back to last millenium, in the days of Eddie Bauer and boybands, all the way back to 1996. The NFL decided it wanted a couple more teams, so they played "Pin the Tail on the Map of US" in order to pick where the Jaguars would play. Originally, the idiot who played pin the tail picked the Atlantic Ocean. They quickly moved it to the largest city in the US with a team, just kidding they stuck it in Jacksonville, Fuck you LA. The NFL picked guys off the street, gave them steroids, and let them play in the NFL. Within a year, they became a competetive team and could actually beat some teams. Then, Fred Taylor got an injury called "Get injured every year, ruining your team-itis" and Mark Brunell ran away and hid in the state capital. Soon after, the Jaguars were back to mediocrity, until a savior arrived. Byron Leftwich. But all he did was be extremely slow for a black guy, and get knee injuries. Along came Maurice Jones-Drew-Smith-Johnson-Jackson-Hicks-Adams, who ran very well, but had too long of a name in order to have a jersey. No, he's not Hispanic you fucking racist.
[edit] Houston Mexicans
The Texans are the fourth team to be given a useless name under the Useless Names Given to Useless Teams Amendment. After many protests from bible thumpin', Republican votin' hicks, The NFL decided to give the good Christian people of Texas a team that best represented them and they gave them the Texans. This is probably the best name any franchise gave that was represent anyone. The stupidity that reigns within the state gives the name Texans the best choice. From FCC broadcast data, the Texans are the most watched team in the NFL during a political event, whether playing or not. The whole staff and players on the franchise are so stupid, it's due to the fact that they gave up their #1 overall draft choice in 2006 only because Michael Jackson offered to rape Texas, and they accepted the offer. It was probably the biggest shit that the entire National Football League has ever seen. Another dumbass thing that the Texans have done recently was that they let Osama Bin Ladan fire a nuclear missile at the Reliant Stadium's ass to blow the structure up. The reason why the Texans did this was that they have relations with Al-Qaeda and concentrate on Al-Qaeda more than football, and they dream of throwing Bin Laden down the toilet. The Texans are in love with rapists such as Michael Jackson, the gay faggot. Oh and by the way, they chose Mario Williams with their #1 draft choice because he's a monster standing at 600 feet tall, just tall enough to rape the Tennessee Oilers for leaving the greatest city on earth! However, the Texans screwed up again and let the Titans rape them in the ass instead. To add irony, a Houstoner named Vince Young did most of the raping. Embarrased by the situation, God voted Nashville as the greatest city on earth.
[edit] Tennessee Titties
The Tennessee Titans are the fifth team to be given a useless name under the Useless Names Given to Useless Teams Amendment. C'mon, Titans? And in Tennessee? WHAT IN THE FUCK? This name was given because the NFL could not think of anymore useless names than the Titans. The NFL thought it would be a more honorable and more tough sounding name given to a useless team. Unfortunately, the Titans are not really "Titanic" in their game. The team was originally founded as a member of the AFL as the Houston Oilers, named after the oil field workers that were hired to make a team. Early Oilers history was great, because they were dominant in the early sixties, only because all teams sucked in the AFL back then. The team had its glory days in the seventies, when they hired a bum named "Philips" as their head coach. They had some good players, such as Billy "White Shoes" Johnson, who danced with a funky chicken in the end zone, Earl Campbell, who headbutted players for no reason, and Warren Moon, who used a rifle to fire the ball, but NFL officials blindly thought that he was throwing it. The team suffered after trading Moon, so the owner of the Oilers, Bud Adams, started to act like a little bitch, and moved the team to Tennessee. They became the Tennessee Titties (aka Titans), and had good players like Eddie George and Steve McNair, and suffered poorly after losing to the Rams in the Superb Owl. New quarterback Vince Young had brought some new hope for the team and fans in the 2006 season and he did pretty well but as for most quarterbacks, Vince Young came under the disease, "Second Year Fever". In the 2007 season, Young threw for only nine touchdowns and seventeen interceptions. This looks like a nice future huh? They have made some turns to the Mercury though, and have become so good they don't even need wide receivers.
[edit] AFC North
[edit] Pittsburgh Bumfeelers
The Pittsburgh Steelers were founded by Art Rooney in 1933. Originally named the Butt Pirates, Rooney changed the name to the Pittsburgh Stealers as a warning to fellow rich people that their servants were pilfering behind their backs. Later renamed the Steelers, the team was the laughingstock of the NFL until 1972, when the Steelers won their first ever playoff game. In a play known as "The Immaculate Reception," the Virgin Mary appeared before the Raiders' secondary and gave running back Franco Harris, an agnostic, enough time to run the winning touchdown into the end zone. The team would win four Super Bowls in six years due to flagrant cheating and bribed referees (it is a Class A felony to suggest anything else in Dallas), but fell into a funk in the 1980s. Under coach Bill Cowher, the team returned to prominence in the 1990s and went to six AFC Champsionship Games in 12 years. The Steelers, who place a strong emphasis on charity, generously gave the championship away in five of those years before winning Super Bowl XL in 2006, skillfully manipulating officials into making Seahawks receivers drop passes and coach Mike Holmgren screw up clock management. The organization is also noted for accepting the mentally challenged onto their rosters, notably Sean Salisbury, Merrill Hoge, and Ben Roethlisberger.
[edit] Cleveland Shit (also Cleveland Shitstains to Hanes Inc.)
This team was named the Browns for several proposed reasons. One of these reasons was to lure unsuspecting people into making comparisons between the team and the color of shit in attempts to be funny. This would anger the Browns team, which would promptly eat everything in its path, or at least try to. This is not likely however, because not all shit is brown, and many other colors of shit would have been offended, causing them to write countless numbers of angry letters to Congress demanding they be included in the team name. Another theory was that the city of Cleveland wanted to create the breakthrough of the first all African American football team in existence, and was originally named the "Cleveland Blacks." However, the name was condemned later on as being "politically incorrect and racially inaccurate," and the name was changed to Browns. However the team got its name, it has been no less subject to many years of generally sucking hairy monkey balls, up until quarterback Derek Anderson, also known as Mountain Man, came from the bowels of Oregon to save the team from the same ultimate fate as the Raiders. Unfortunately, this resulted in Brady Quinn being totally forgotten and cast aside, and will likely be sacrificed to Jon Gruden in Tampa.
[edit] Cincinnati Johnsons (aka Bengals)
The Cincinnati Johnsons, for some reason known as the Bengals around the greater cincinnati area, are byfar the greatest team to ever assemble in Professional American Football, period, their peak being 1991-2003. This team has more johnsons in it than a Yu-Gi-Oh fanclub meeting. One time in the playoffs, Carson Johnson got a boo boo because Kimo van Oelhoffen fell on his johnson. The next play, John Johnson came in and threw a touchdown pass to Chad Johnson. With number 2 receiver T.J. Johnsonzadeh, and running back Rudi Johnson; the Cincinnati Johnsons had an unstoppable (and by unstoppable we mean easily stopped) offense. Chad Johnson is the most entertain mother spelunker is the league. If there was a race between a cheetah, a racecar, a cheese puff, and Puff Daddy... Chad Johnson would win, unless Chuck Norris and Mr. T were present. They say that every time Carson Johnson scores a touchdown Ben Rothelisberger scores with 387 of the most beautiful men in the world. (an angel also gets their wings too.) They are known to be unarguably the best team in football history, winning a total of 2323232323 super bowls. They considered sending them against Germany in WWII but said it too unfair because of the shear power of Rudi Johnson's stiff Johnson. It once ripped a hole in the space time continuum but was later repaired by the Doctor from the hit show Dr. Who. The team currently holds the NFL record for most players arrested in one season with 6756, mostly on defense, which explains the millions of points they surrender per game.
[edit] Baltimore Raisins
The Baltimore Ravens are the last team enacted under the NFL's new T.U.B.N. plan (Teams Using Bird Names). The "Ravens" as they are often called by fans (or the purple bird shits by most NFL spectators) officially started play in 1996 when Art Modell bitchslapped Cleveland Browns fans and moved the team to Baltimore. The Ravens sucked in the organization's first few years due to the Vinny Testaverde Curse. However, things changed in 1999, when Baltimore hired FCC's bitch Brian Billick. This hiring impressed Satan, and in 2000 he agreed to a one year deal with the Ravens in exchange for a murderer and a crack dealer. The results were wonderful for the Ravens as they won Super Bowl XXXV over the New York Giants, thanks in part to Giants legend Kerry Collins. However, Ray Lewis's statements about being 'God's linebacker' angered Satan as he refused to sign an extension, later joining the Patriots. The departure hurt the Ravens for many years, and Satan's punishment of Kyle Boller sent the Ravens offense to its lowest level yet. But help arrived in 2006 as the Ravens acquired Steve McNair, the first grandparent in NFL history, and the Ravens went 1-13. The Ravens' lowpoint happened in 2007 when they gave then winless Miami their first and only win of the season. The team's front office then proceeded to sodomize every player on the roster, hoping to "show them the girly man pansies they really are," as quoted by then head coach Brian Billick at a press conference.
[edit] Forensics
For those of you that have been living in a hole, the NFL can also refer to a large group of nerds in high school that get together to see who can talk the most. This, the National Forensics League is a group of high school kids who will one day own the entire world, and is the most popular of all after-school activities. One of the group's members is Mewtwo's brother. NFL competitions often involved large stadiums and High School competitions have been known to charge more for admission than minor league baseball teams or chess competitions.
[edit] The Useless Names Given to Useless Teams Amendment
This amendment was created by Satan, commissioner of the NFL, to insure that when good names run out for good teams, useless ones will be there to make sure that shit teams sound like shit. Teams that qualify for this amendment must meet three conditions. They must suck, their uniforms have to look stupid or gay, and third, they must suck terribly. This amendment is always being challenged by the Advocates for Better Names for Fair Use Towards All Teams or just simply known as the teams fallen under the amendment.
[edit] T.U.B.N. Plan
This plan started by Al Sharpton was to insure that retarded bird names were the only animal names left open for the taking since canine names were more retarded sounding than the bird names and all the feline names were already taken (those teams don't deserve it!). It was also made to deter teams from using any more racist names, because people are morons! Though names such as Falcons and Eagles are already taken, some that are left open are the Turkey Vultures, Annoying Owls, Shitting Pigeons, and The Foghorn Leghorns.
| YECCH! This article is UGLY. It may not be as ugly as this template, but it still needs to be fixed. Please make this look like a proper wiki article by adding links, headers, paragraphs, or any other formatting needed (see here for instructions and look at these for examples). If this page is not fixed in 30 days it may become a candidate for deletion. |
Categories: Football | Sports | Ugly
