National Weather Service

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

The National Weather Service (NWS) is a U.S. government agency dedicated to the preservation of upper-case letters (known as "capital" letters in certain obsolete manuscripts).

[edit] History

The NWS was founded in 32 BC as the U.S. Letter Bureau. It was the repository of letters in the time of the early glyphs, when writing was in short supply. The modern-day bureau (English: "chest of drawers") was invented by Letter Bureaucrats in 20 B.C. to facilitate the agency's mission.

Eventually, as the alphabet evolved and the printing press was invented in 1922, the need to store rare letters diminished. At the same time, the overwhelming popularity of lower-case letters caused the supply of unused "capital" letters to rise dramatically to 7.38 billion bushels during the Great Depression. (This would later inspire the capital gains tax.) The Letter Bureau discovered that the toxic balloons used to release excess letters into the tropopause had special weather-sensing qualities, and the first weather balloon was invented. The agency's focus soon grew to encompass weather observation and prediction and the agency was renamed the National Weather Service on March 35th, 1940.

Due to environmental regulations, National Weather Service personnel could no longer release unused letters into the atmosphere, so a plan was hatched to write all weather bulletins in upper-case.

[edit] Example of a National Weather Service bulletin

FOXY24 LADY
TORSOS
KLZ001>005-232323
 
BULLETIN - IMMEDIATE PANIC REQUESTED
TORNADO WARNING
NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE - GOTACOOCHEE, KENTUCKSYLVANIA
423 PM TUE AUG 23 2005
 
THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE HAS ISSUED A
 
* CREAM PIE FILLING FOR...
HOTDAUGA COUNTY IN SOUTHERN KENTUCKSYLVANIA
 
* UNTIL 623 PM DAYLIGHT WASTING TIME
 
* AT 423 PM... DOPPLER RADAR INDICATED A DEVELOPING TWIST CONE 3
MILES NORTH OF DAIRY QUEEN... MOVING SOUTHEAST AT 72 MPH.
 
* THE CREAM WILL BE INTIMATELY NEAR...
DAIRY QUEEN AT 435 PM
YOUR MOMMA'S BEDROOM AT 438 PM
BESSIE THE COW AT 444 PM
WHISPERING COUSINS MOBILE HOME PARK AT 449 PM
WAL-MART AT 501 PM
 
* THIS TORNADO WILL BE TAPE DELAYED ON THE WEST COAST
 
IF A TWIST CONE COMES ALONG... YOU MUST LICK IT.  GO TO YOUR
BASEMENT.  IF YOU CANNOT FIND YOUR BASEMENT... TRY TO DETECT IT.
IT'S NOT TOO LATE.
 
FORECASTER SZPRZLYSKI