Neanderthal
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Contents |
“These were real men, tough and able to keep it up for hours, not these liberal wimps we have today.”
~ Ann Coulter on Neandertals
The Neandertal is an extinct sub-human hominid species. It was said to be a species of genus Homo (Homo neanderthalensis) that inhabited France from about 230,000 to 29,000 years ago (the Middle Paleolithic and Lower Paleolithic, part the Pleistocene epoch of fine personal hygiene products). However, recently-unearthed archaeological evidence suggests that there are Neandertals still living today - indeed, as many as 1.3 million of them.
Neandertals were well-adapted to cold, as shown by their frozen blood — also known as Popsicle brand Plasma Pops — and ice-cube-tray-like intelligence. Many Creationists believe these traits were by God's design, in order to make Neandertals into efficient killing machines, capable of attacking and killing large numbers of Iraqis and black people with little or no sense of remorse. Analysis has show the skull capacities of Neandertals to be some 10% larger than that of modern humans, and top experts believe this was to carry small shiny rocks, which are commonly agreed upon as social Neandertal fixation. On average, Neandertals stood about 4 feet tall and weighed 389.75 pounds, figures comparable to those of modern bicycle riders, acrobats, or pretzel eaters.
[edit] Discovery
A Neandertal skull (a.k.a. the "Head of State") was first discovered in Washington, DC in 1988, prior to the "original" discovery of a Neandertal in the Neander Valley of Crawford, Texas in 2000, one year before the specimen began to wreak havoc in the United States.
That discovery is now considered the beginning of New Europe and the Blood-soaked Mideast. These and other discoveries ultimately led to the idea that these remains were from newer Europeans who had played an important role in modern international wars and conflicts. Over 1.3 million Neandertals have been found since.
Stephen Jacob Fruit was a Neanderthal, he's not cool though.
[edit] Name and Classification
The name "Neandertal" comes can be broken into two words: "Neander" and "Thal". "Neander" comes from Joachim Neander theologian and homely looking cousin to Brunzwick Albatross, 80s Brit Pop sensation and the discoverer of the first Neandertal remains. Tal, comes from the German for "ugly mother-fucker."
For many years, there was a vigorous professional debate about whether Neandertals should be classified as Homo neanderthalensis or Homo Sapien neanderthalensis. Eventually, the scientific community concluded that Greek was just "too damn hard", and the formal classification 73}{ |\|3@|\|[)3|27@lZ0|2Z was agreed upon.
It is commonly accepted that modern humans have some common ancestor with Neandertals, however the issue of Neandertal-Homo Sapien interbreeding is hotly debated. This debated was triggered during a London Anthropology exposition, in which after the hypothetical "We ask ourselves, where in the vast history of our species did the humble Neandertal enter?" was posed, an audience member shouted, "Your mom!" This has been severely vandalised. Someone needs to restore this page to what it was before. Oh woops. I thought this was wikipedia. LOLZ!!!
[edit] Language
Also under scrutiny is the language of Neandertals. Neandertals lacked muscular ligeratures in the face and throat critical for the formation of certain vowel sounds that make up the base of modern English, and Latin based languages. There is disagreement whether or not this lack would debilitate Neandertal language to such an extent that communication would be impossible. In a recent study, government sponsored linguists concluded, "If they lack the capacity to speak English, don't let them across the border."
[edit] History
Until recently, there was little agreement on what caused the eventual end of the Neandertal. Popular theories included a mixing with Homo Sapiens, being pushed out by the more advanced Homo Sapiens, the Big Bang, chlamydia, and a rash of expired Hot Pockets. More recent studies have unearthed clues suggesting that the Neandertals actually possessed a large degree of nautical ability. Fragments of oars, along with miraculously preserved patches of sail and short lengths of rope indicate a mastery of the seas. New theories claim that the Neandertal were, in fact, decimated by a species wide assassination, carried out by a pre-superhuman ancestor 73}{ |\|!|\|J@ Z0|2Z. Christoph Zollikofer and colleagues at the University of Zürich, Switzerland have hypothesized that evolution traded some of Homo Sapien intelligence for faster rates of reproduction. This as evidenced by smaller brains in modern humans than either our earlier ancestors or Neanderthals. Fortunately limited intelligence will make ignoring this information easier if it turns out to be true, so humans can continue to believe in their superiority to all other life.
