Negro Basketball Association
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The Negro Basketball Association' ('more commonly known as the NBA ) is the official men's basketball league in English-speaking parts of the world. It has many teams, 33 in the United States, 40 in Canada, 810 in Africa, and 41 in Germany. The NBA is one of the four Major Professional Sports Leagues that aren't in third-world countries, and thus, is one of the only important sports to people who don't want to work too hard for something (whiteys).
“I mean we're sitting here talking about NBA. Not a game. Not a game. Not a game. Not a game. Not a game. Not a game I die for, we're talking about the NBA man...”
~ Allen Iverson on NBA
“I haven't seen this many black people since I was standing in the welfare line.”
~ Don Imus on the NBA
“Hey!....THAT'S RACIST!”
~ Al Sharpton on Don Imus
“...aww shit. I'm sorry. What I meant to say was that black people are poor. No, I mean nappy headed...FUCK!”
~ Don Imus on Al Sharpton's response
“The reason why african americans are good at basketball is because they can run, shoot and steal.”
~ Don Imus on the NBA
“The NBA. Where amazing happens. Totally.”
~ LeBron James on the you already know what
“The NBA has its own set of rules that breaks the law, which costs us billions of dollars from taxpayers”
~ The FBI on David Stern and President Bush
The league was founded in New York, United States on June 6, 1946 as the National Basketball of America (NBA). The league adopted the name National Basketball Association in the summer of (love) 1969 after merging with their rival competitor, the National Basketballers of Africa. This was due to the Civil Rights Movement disbanding racial segregation. It wasn't until 1973 when the current and final name was established. Around this time, the Harlem Globetrotters arranged a meeting with the international committee of sports. During the meeting, the Globetrotters were able to get the committee to recognize that the racial majority in the NBA were blacks and that they took up 99.7% of the league.
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[edit] History
The beginning of the NBA can be traced as far back to the invention of basketball itself. This particular sport was officially created in 1891 as a less dangerous game substitute for darts (during the 19th century, darts were actually blades and the dart board had loud touch-sensitive explosive firecrackers attached, which represented points).
One harsh winter day, a physical education teacher named James Naismith decided to stay home indoors and called his buddies to join him in a game of darts. Unfortunately for James, none of his friends answered his calls due to the fact that he was the only person in his town to even own a telephone. The only other person in the world that had a telephone was Alexander Graham Bell. Bell, an expert darts player, accepted Naismith invitation to play a game. After winning the first game by hitting the bullseye, Bell became increasingly curious as to why the black cherry bomb in the middle center of the dart board didn't explode (cherry bombs were used as bullseyes during the 1890s). Figuring the bomb to be a dud, Naismith went over and started pulling off all the daggers (darts) in order to start another game. Upon pulling out Bell's winning dagger, Naismith blew off his hand and part of his forearm. Embarrassed, Naismith apologized for his inappropriate display of gore, wrapped up his arm stump and excused himself to the local infirmary (hospital). During his travel home, Bell wrote a belligerent letter to Milton Bradley, demanding that he make his game more safe for consumer use and handling. He also wrote another letter to Naismith accepting his apology and asking if he could invent a significantly more harmless game for their next play date. Attached to the letter inside the envelope was a check for $10 dollars ($50 dollars adjusted for inflation). The money was not meant as damage reparation for his domicile, but meant to fund Naismith's entrepreneurial experiment. The profits of which Bell would receive 80 percent of and all rights as full creator.
Alexander Graham Bell was a savy Republican businessman and James Naismith was a dumb jock who died pennyless.
Initially, basketball was originally conceived as a simple friendly family game that even the wife and children could participate in. The basic rules started off very primordial and the goal was to be the first to get five points. The player would stand three yards away from a wooden fruit basket suspended 9 feet above the ground and nailed to a wall or street lamp (the basket didn't become bottomless until 1931 when the Attention-Deficit Disorder Union demanded the game be faster). The player would close their eyes and throw the ball with one hand (after Naismith's death in 1939, players were allowed to use both hands). If the ball successfully made it through the basket, the player got to scream "H!" and the game would continue in this fashion until someone was able to spell the word "Horse" first. Eventually, families in the neighborhood began to play against other families. This eventually led to official city teams playing against other teams outside home cities.
In 1948, the concept of movement around a court came about due to numerous reports of men on opposing teams often fighting about whose turn it was. During most games, players would become so frustrated that they would simply take the ball away from an opposing player and run away with it. The opposing team would chase the thief around in circles until the thief either threw the ball to another player on his team or made a shot, adding a point for his team despite players on the other team yelling "HEY! YOU CAN'T DO THAT! THAT'S ILLEGAL!". Because so many people were playing basketball in this manner (mostly school children), this was eventually incorporated into the game. Incidentally, this is also how the splinter game known as "Keep Away" was invented.
By 1953, a notable basketball player named Bob Cousy had started a new trend. Cousy would taunt opposing players by hogging the basketball and showing off by bouncing it all over the court. This came to be known as dribbling. It was officially incorporated into the league and sport a year later.
During the summer of 1960, one last innovating revolution took place that would forever shock not only basketball but the American Basketball Association (soon to be NBA). A group of red neck white boys decided to play against a group of niggers colored black kids that worked at the local gas station, as a joke. The joke backfired and ended up being the biggest mistake of the white race. Two of the young black boys were Bill Russell (6' 11") and Wilt Chamberlain (7'1"). The black boys won against the white guys 783217839082139df8021sdv(this shit doesn't even make sense, but they still did it!) to none. 400 years of slave eugenics had paid off for the black race of America. They were now the most superior athletic mutants on the planet. When they entered the NBA, they dominated the courts with their abnormal height and dunking (telekinetic levitation) skills.
[edit] Historic Incidents
In the 50 year history of the NBA, there have been many great moments worthy of mention. But instead, we'll focus on the negative.
[edit] The Detroit Massacre
On November 19th, 2004 at the Palace of Auburn Hills in Detroit, Michigan, a notorious NBA game took place. This game, also known as the Pacers-Pistons brawl or the Malice at the Palace, would shake the wild world of sports and forever live in infamy. The Indiana Pacers played against the Detroit Pistons their home court and seemed to have the obligatory crowd-cheering inducing motivation advantage on their side. But things were starting to look good for Indiana at the end of the third quarter. Eventually, with only a few seconds left in the fourth quarter, the Pacers had successfully maintained a 15 point lead. This did not please Ron Artest. When Ben Wallace ran to make a basket, Artest walked over and gently pulled down Wallace's shorts while he was in mid-air. Momentarily confused, Wallace wasn't sure what was going on until he came back down to the floor and heard Artest making a rude comment about his ass, after slapping it. Wallace responded by snapping his fingers and only allowing Artest to communicate to his hand (Wallace's face had difficulty understanding). Disgusted, Ron Artest made his way over to the commentators table with a visible attitude in his walk and demanded that he be given some exclusive air time in order to gossip about Wallace. A fan in the audience stands went down and splashed his beverage in Artest's face for being so tacky. This shocked Ron Artest and in a violent rage, punched the shit out of that house nigga that was sitting next to the beverage-thrower for some reasom. The Piston didn't take a fancy to this, I mean this was their house afterall and was just disrespectful to the home-owners, so the pistons did what any normal people would do and started stomping those puss bitches. This led to a riot that lasted 4 hours, killing 60 people and left 23 injured.
[edit] Utah Controversey
The Utah Spazz became the first team in the NBA to have a fully white team. This broke NBA rules and they were forced to recruit two black players to sit on the bench. Today, the team is almost completely white,
[edit] Former NBA Player admits he plays for the other team("Other Team" is used as a metaphor for being of the gay persuasion)
Former NBA player John Amaechi admitted to a TMZ magazine that during his tenure as NBA player he was a raging, fucking ass-grabbing, cock magnet, ass exploring, jock-strap smell tester, Freddy Mercury fan, hotdog to pencil touching, wine enthusiasts, like the movie rocky horror picture show, Tyler Perry watching, Man-on-Man technique studying, I am on top bitch, exotic animal owner, dick collector, John Waters Fan club President, Catholic Priest, was from the providence of Butt Faggeton, Vaganaly Challenge, Ass-hole hair trimmer, Don Zimmer, vegetarian, ValeDICKtorian of is college, Men show choir, teacher of Defense against Vag at HOGwarts, cock predator. Enya listening, explosion in the face, gay and any other homsexual expression or word you could think of.
[edit] Teams
[edit] The Eastern (a.k.a. Leastern) Conference
(NBA got the Conference idea from the Berlin wall myth - it is said that in 10 000 BC Eastern Berlin had also worse basketball players than the Western)
- Titanic Divsion
- Boston Kevin Garnett Leprechauns
- New Jersey Nets (no originality there)
- New York Knigs aka g-stringers
- Philadelphia 69ers
- Toronto Scraptors
- T-Mobile Divsion
- Haier Division
- Atlanta Fawks
- Charlotte Bobcocks
- Miami Wades
- Orlando Howards
- Washington white house wizards
[edit] Western Conference
(The winner of this confernce is awarded the NBA title by default)
- Lenovo Division
- Southwest Airlines Division
- Dallas Also Sucks
- Houston Rocket Scientists
- Memphis Heart-Attacks
- New Orleans Katrinas
- San Antonio Spiky things that cowboys put on their shoes that they hit the horse with to go faster.
- McDonald's Division
- Golden State Fanny Bandits
- Los Angeles Clippers of Anahiem
- Los Angeles Kobe Bryants aka "The team that has one player (can you guess who)".
- Phoenix Hot thing in the sky
- Sacramento Schwarzeneggers
[edit] Famous Players
- Owing to his short stature and salesmanship in the fields of jerseys and athletic shoes, Allen Iverson is waived from the dribbling rule.
- Steve Nash is the only NBA player to be MVP eight times in a single season.
- John Amaechi nick names included "gay", "Homosexual", "I like men", "I love Enya", " Please not in the face!", "Ow! It hurts, when is it gonna be my turn?", and "I am English". Also, he speculated to be gay.
- Larry Bird is a white dude who was really good.
- Wilt Chamberlain claimed to have had sex with over 6 million men, women, and children during the course of his career.
- Andrew [Farkhingh] Lee- this professional basketballer representing the team called "The Revelation". He is a crazy super ultra circus shotter and has a free throw percentage of 1323.3532432%.
- Aftab Bismi- the worlds highest dunker at 18. He is only 6 9'.
- Bill Russell won 11 NBA championships and is a "------- smug asshole" according to everybody who wasn't on his team.
- Magic Johnson has aides.
- Charles Barkley is almost 750 pounds!
- Bo Jackson played professionally in 12 different sports and loves Anderson Cooper because he has eyes that say “I’m nice but naughty too."
- Steve Nash & Dirk Nowitzki are the contenders for MVP. 2 white people, one canadian, 1 GERMAN. The majority of the league is black.
- Tim Duncan, the world's biggest window cleaner, for hitting all his shots off the backboard, has the nickname the big fundamental which comes from his recent efforts of learning to tie his shoelaces. He is from the Virgin Islands. Ironically, he is still a Virgin.
- Kobe Bryant is the player, coach, president, and owner of the Los Angeles Kobe Bryants (formerly known as the Los Angeles Lakers, until they realized there were no lakes in LA) He is the only player on the team, and the KB's are the only one player team in the NBA. The team was known for winning every NBA title from 2001-2004 (with the exception of the 2003 season, where the entire team was placed under arrest for rape)Kobe Bryant has also won the bitch award twice in his career(2006, 2007)
- Jerome James league's reigning fattest player.
- Raja Bell is the flopping actor that likes to fall around courts. He has won 4 consecutive years for best acting award, which is two shy of Emanu Ginobili record of 6 straight (Both were nominated in 2007 but lost to Anderson Varejao )
- Stephon Marbury- biggest tool ever in the NBA with his clothing line selling at very low prices.
