Neighbours

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The neighbour (spelt neighbor outside of the USA) is the person who lives next door to your house, in the next apartment, above your apartment or below your apartment.^¶ Your neighbour's sole purpose in life is to turn yours into a living hell. Traditionally it is your duty as their neighbour to repay in kind.

[edit] Etymology

The word Neighbour comes from the horse word "Neigh" which translated could mean "smelly" and the word "bour", which is shortened text speak for "b-o" (body odor) and "ur" meaning "your". In reverse this translates as "Your body odor smelly!". In American English the letter 'u' was removed from the word neighbour simply because in America, and indeed everywhere else, your neighbor hates 'u'.

[edit] Origin

Neighbours are not born, they are instantly spawned as soon as you buy accomodation, with a perfect knowledge of the things that piss you off and skills to perform those things impeccably.

[edit] History

The hostility between neighbouring neighbours actually dates back centuries to the time that God gave us the Ten Commandments. Some of the commandments insinuated that a neighbour was capable of doing many mean things to their neighbour, including bearing a false witness and coveting various items that belonged to them. Most people didn't actually understand what any of this meant, but generally assumed that if God didn't like it, it must be bad. This lead to centuries of distrust between neighbours and even today most people believe their neighbour may yet covet their ox or female slave, even if they don't have one.

At some point in history, the attribution 'Neighbour' shifted from meaning someone who lives in close proximity, to meaning the neighbouring country. As such, wars have been fought between neighbouring coutries for centuries, including the Battle of Hastings the Battle of Sark and the Iran, Iraq war. All were started on the principal that one accused the other of coveting their garden shed.

[edit] Neighbours Facts

• 99% of homicides are committed by people the victim knew. 98% are their neighbours.
• If he lives next door to you, he has an antenna that interferes with your TV.
• If he lives in the apartment next to you, he gets your newspaper "by mistake".
• If he lives in the apartment above yours, he's fat, walks with heavy steps and likes listening to music at two a.m. right above your bedroom.
• If he lives in the apartment below yours, he complains about heavy sounds you make, like breathing.
• If you're arriving home after a hard day of work, wanting to see your wife and your kids, your neighbour will show up and stop you so he can tell you about the exciting things he did all day, like fixing the lawn mower or washing the car.
• If your wife/husband is pretty, your neighbour will try to have sex with her/him.
• If she/he isn't, he/she'll try anyway just to piss you off.
• If you have a son, your neighbour will show him adult magazines and violent movies while you're at work.
• If your neighbour has a dog, the dog will shit in your lawn.
• If your neighbour has bought an expensive high-tech cellphone, console, TV, etc., he'll show it to you pretending he's happy with his purchase and not with your envy.
• If your neighbour has a son, his son will beat up your son, or teach your son bad things, and when you tell your neighbour to restrain his kid your neighbour will smile and say, "you betcha". Obviously nothing will change.
• If your neighbour is interested in politics, he'll be republican.
• If your neighbour is interested in religion, he'll be a Christian fundamentalist.
• If your neighbour is interested in both, he supports Mike Huckabee and you should murder him.
• If your neighbor is asian...well..I guess he/she will squint alot.

[edit] The Legend of the Good Neighbour

Some people say they have good neighbours. Those people can be described as people with extremely low social standards who are delighted with any human contact at all because of their incredible inadequacy for making friends, aka nerds who spend all day in their basement watching youporn.com.

The good neighbour is a legend. You'd be more lucky watching the skies all day trying to spot Santa Claus. Some neighbours, though, are good at pretending they are nice until their mask falls, but then it's already too late.

[edit] Neighbours in popular culture

The Australian television soap opera, coincidentally called 'Neighbours', attempts to show how real neighbours behave in the wild. The programme has received much criticism for its title theme lyrics that depict Neighbours as being good friends and also gives innacurate mesurements as to the actual distance between a house and the house next door. When quized how long they believed a 'footstep' actually was, show producers refused to comment. In contrast, the show did receive high praise for the fact that it accurately depicted neighbours as generally hostile to one another.

[edit] Notes

• ¶ Scientists have attempted to prove that the person who lives one apartment up or down and one apart to either side is also your neighbour but results have, so far, been inconclusive.