Neil Buchanan
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“This is an Art Attack!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Bukakke
“Try it yerself!”
~ Neil Buchanan on crystal meth
“MMMHMHMMHHMMHMMMHHHAH!!!”
~ angered man on Neil Buchanan's big Art Attack covering his field/business department
“MMMHMHMMHHMMHMMMHHHAH!!!”
~ angered parent on their child spilling PVA glue everywhere
“I love your sausage Neil. More chipolata than a sausage but still tasty!”
~ The Head on on Neils famous design your own dinner plate made out of cotton wool and tissue paper.
“Hear Ye, Hear Ye, I solemnly declare that these Art Attacks are THE BIGGEST LOAD OF SHIT THAT TV HAS EVER SEEN!”
~ Neil on his infamous breakdown shown live on TV.
“Neil, why is my pencil tip brown?”
~ The Head on his pencil tip being brown
“Mmmmmpfffh neeeeeeeeefgggggghhh fffeeeeeechhhhhhhhhhhhggg”
~ The Head on the domestic abuse claims made by Scotland Yard against Neil
Contents |
[edit] Early Life
Neil Buchanan grew up on the outskirts of Manchester where he met his best friend named "Head". Head had a split personality and had a tendency to bob his head from side to side. Above this, Head was also an insane crack addict. Neils friendship with Head also led him to a fixation with custard creams & occasionally Fox's brand of Party Rings. Neil Buchannan began to re-ignite the hippie culture during the 80's period. During this time he had been arrested for dealing and possessing a veriaty of drugs including but not limited to: weed, cocaine, skunk, lsds, uppers, downers, inners, outers, poppers, zippers & willy wadge wodgers.
He even invented his own drug which he named the Lard Attack which was invented for instantaneously releasing all waste from the body instantly after consumption. Neil Buchannan made millions off this drug and originally wanted to use the money to pursue his knitting career.
[edit] Art Attack
This was where Neil really began to shine. Shrunk down to the size of a peanut and thrown into a pencil case, Neil appeared on CITV once a week presenting an art show which little kids could join along with at home. The much debated controversy about his drug usage (Neil frequently made references to PVA glue and in one episode sniffed pencil shavings) didn't take the shine off his glorious run on this show and, til this day, he still presents it. The real talking point of the show however is his amazing big Art Attack’s. Neil uses various objects, materials and utensils to make a big piece of art which can be looked down on from a helicopter. His most famous big Art Attack to date is the production of the Great Wall of China which can be seen from space.
In a famous part of an episode it all went embarrassenly wrong for Neil. When he was showing the viewers painting's which kids had drawn at home which were on his computer, he accidentally pressed the wrong button and then came on images of homosexual porn pictures. The viewers only saw a quick bit of it up until the show's producer pulled the plug live on ITV1.
The viewers were entertained with messages saying there were technical faults but that Art Attack would be back on in a few minutes. It came back on around five minutes after the incident but it was already enough for the next days tabloids.
Around a week later The Head confessed to downloading the porn as 'a joke' to embarrass Neil on air. Neil was left fuming but kept his cool and said that he'd 'have words with The Head over the incident'.
[edit] The Custard Cream Years
Due to the side effects of depression, Neil became an extreme custard cream addict. He was seen going into Safeways and coming out with a full trolly packed with the biscuits. He recently admitted in a tearful interview with Nuts that he ate 14 packets of custard creams while watching Changing Rooms one night. He commented saying he puked them all up on the living room carpet. Here are some quotes from that famous interview.
- Jesus Christ, just talking about it makes me ill. I was puking so much I couldn't breath. It was LITERALLY a sea of mashed up custard creams. The wife wasn't happy.
- This was a severe addiction, and I mean SEVERE! Do you know what I did next. I ACTUALLY licked up all the custard creams again! After that, I went stone cold and my wife claims I just lay there in one big fat mess and swimming in my own stew. I lay there... groaning.
[edit] Finders Keepers
The show in which Neil presented in which kids would come into a house and play pointless challenges for pointless prizes including the mystery prize... which was an authentic Finders Keepers pencil. The house can be distinguished by having one side of the house missing. Legend has it that the house is owned by Buchanan himself. Neil however was charged because the police thought it was strange that a middle aged man would invite kids around to a house to have fun. Neil was branded a paedophile by the media and when Neil would walk in the streets, he would be confronted by people shouting at him sick bastard and that man should be shot at dawn. Buchanan denied any wrong doing and was in the end was found not guilty by the courts. After the whole fiasco, he went back to presenting Finders Keepers. However, the show was not without it's controversies after a child was killed due to an overdose of paracetmals in the bathroom, thinking they were prize sweeties. Another child was killed soon after, this time falling through plastic stair banisters. Neil got himself into hot water after being seen laughing at the whole incident. The show was cancelled soon after but has made a spectacular comeback recently with top A-list celebrity Jeff Brazier fronting the show.
[edit] It's a Mystery
The famous show in which Neil investigated 'spooky going ons' in random places like his granny's back garden. Branded 'useless pile of shit' by the Radio Times the show involved poor mysteries such as who and what were The Spooks of Bottle Bay. However despite it's struggle for viewers in it's early days the show went on a massive up as It's a Mystery Live was broadcast. The Live edition saw one of TV's greatest moments as Neil investigated the mysterious appearances of the ghost of Jack the Ripper. It was this episode which saw Neil famously crying because 'he didn't want to be raped and killed' even though it was a ghost. Live e mails streamed across the screen one infamously read 'the day you are scared of a ghost raping you is the day that society's gone mad!' Another read 'Get a grip of yourself man! It's just friggin cold air!' Neil then screamed 'I don't want to get AIDS and die!' which at this point the director cut the live programme and claimed 'Neil was being bloody immature and was a fucking disgrace!' The remaining minutes were replaced with repeats of Coronation Street.
[edit] Shart Attack
After losing creative control on Art Attack, Neil took a break and compiled a winning formula for a brand new show. He took it to Dragons Den, and after a rather messy demonstration, Neil was granted £100,000 to start his own show. Neil blew this money on crystal meth in 3 days, so had to resort to stealing the Art Attack set. After many stressful nights of curry, Neil finally covered the entire set with his own excrement, making it unrecognizable. Filming began on 24th May 2003. It took 3 weeks to film one episode, partly because of the overwhelming stench being given off by the excrement. 15 Cameramen suffered serious breathing problems, and 2 later died due to this condition. after 6 episodes, the show was halted while Neil 'redecorated'. He returned to work in mid-August and filming was finished before Christmas that year. The show was broadcast in Art Attack's usual spot, but was quickly moved to a late night spot, following complaints from angry parents that their kitchens were covered in poo. Neil quickly became hated, as nobody could see why he was still on TV. After being abused in the street by a homeless man, and mugged for his infamous Art Attack jumper, Neil turned to cannibalism. Art Attack found their set, and recording began with Neil back where he belonged, but after child guests started disappearing, the show was quickly put under investigation. The giant paint tube was found guilty on charges of pedophilia, and Neil himself was fined for exposing himself to a minor.
The show was basically Neil squatting naked on a desk, with his buttocks clearly visible on screen, excreting on a piece of card. He then proceeded to use the end of a paintbrush to write his name in the excrement. Viewers regularly sent in their own shit, resulting in Neil stroking, sniffing, and occasionally licking the poo, commenting on the state of it. The head was renamed "The Turtles Head" and 'painted' brown for this show. Neil's jumper was still red, but usually covered in excrement. By the end of the series, Neil complained of severe dehydration, and said he had become addicted to laxatives.
Rumors state that Shart Attack will be returning to our screens in the near future, with a different guest presenter every week.
[edit] Stand Up Career
As well as presenting Art Attack, Neil was also a professional stand up comedian. In 2001 he took a year out from the show to perform his standup routine at Liverpool's Philharmonic Theatre in a show called "Neil Buchanan: Talking Politics" in which he would impersonate and slate many politicians of the recent era. Unfortunately for Neil the month long show only lasted three nights after bad reviews and plummeting ticket sales after the first night. Since the demise of Art Attack, Neil plans to return to the stage with a new show, this time alongside his good friend from Art Attack, The Head. The show will be entitled "Racism".
[edit] Convictions
[edit] Buchananism
Like Buddism but with a box of felt tips instead of a conch shell, Buchananism is the practise of worshipping Neil as our Lord and Master of the world. There are roughly 2.2 billion people around the globe currently practising Buchananism, some without even knowing it.
[edit] Other TV Shows
Neil Buchanan had said of his desire to present more shows and his wish was granted when he and fellow childrens TV presenter Dave Benson-Phillips teamed up to present Buchanan and Benson-Phillips: Unplanned which was shown late night on Tuesdays on ITV. The show had to be put on hiatus for six months after the pair came on drunk live on TV and pissed and vomited all over the live studio audience. They then knelt down and showed off their artistic skills by drawing amateur smiley faces in the sick. To top it all off, the pair defecated in to towels and swung them over their heads only to be flung at the audience. The audience screamed for the producers to stop and eventually they did at a commercial break. The remaining minutes of the show were taken up by repeats of Emmerdale. The show never got it's reputation back and was cancelled after the series end. Tony Hart, a former childrens TV art presenter was said to be disgusted and claimed that in his time, TV presenters would never stoop so low. The debate went further when the press got their hands on it. BBC news and ITV news both ran it as the top story and The Sun ran a front page headline saying UNPLANNED I'M TELLING YOU! referring to the shows title. Neil has since commented on his actions saying it was only a bit of harmless fun. Dave Benson-Phillips is still in hiding, many saying he now lives in Malaysia.
[edit] Art Attack: Now and Then
Neil also presented Art Attack: Now and Then on digital satelitte channel UKTV Gold. It involved clips of his old work, clips of his recent work, you know been there done that sort of programme. It was cancelled after 4 episodes after he told a live studio audience member to 'fuck off' after being heckled by a woman sitting in row C.
[edit] Music Career
Neil was in a band called Marseille in the late seventies and early eighties. Neil played lead guitar and backing vocals in the band. Often known as 'the outspoken one', he often got himself in deep trouble with the press with his foul language. He once famously claimed Robert Plant should 'attempt a crowdsurfing stunt and kill himself' and that Mick Jagger was a 'disgusting old perv'.
Marseille's first album, "Seargent Peppers Tony Harts Club Band" (a early hint of his fanatical obsession with art and his hero Tony Hart), was poorly received and did terrible commercially. Neil has since reflected on this album saying it was 'fuckin shit'.
"I suppose you're asking for it if you're writing songs about how to make a guitar out of cardboard boxes and PVA glue. Fuckin random if you ask me". However, he has since admitted that he was under the influence of Fox's Party Rings, while drinking lard from a frying pan when writing these songs.
They released the self titled follow up album a year later. Once again, it focused on art, but with rather more raunchy and risque lyrics. Perhaps the best song on the album, "I Know A Great Substitute to PVA Glue", reached 32 in the charts - their highest placed single ever.
However, the bands break up was inevitable. The lead singer was high on Pritt Sticks and the drummer became paranoid claiming Neil was about to 'do him in'. Meanwhile, the bass player had gone missing for 7 months without anyone realising.
Neil commented at the time saying: "To be honest, I'm fed up with the whole fucking thing. My reputation has been on the line for the past two years and my girlfriends left me due to this pile of shit! Fuck the lot of ya's." After this outburst, he walked off and left his rock star lifestyle behind and approached a shining bright white light - presumably the Art Attack studio.
[edit] Disappearance and re-appearance
Neil was registered as a missing person on Boxing Day 2007. It is said that on Christmas day, his daughter complained that '1000's of Art Attack pencils is a shit present'. Neil drank copious amounts of raw sewage waste after Christmas dinner, and left the house it a state of heavy inebriation. He was spotted getting into a local mans car at around 10 pm. The man is only known as the Chocolate Baron and Neil did not resurface for days. On New Years Eve, a video was released to the public of Neil, strapped naked to a chair, bound and gagged. A voice was heard to say 'hes mine now'. A single tear could be seen rolling down Neils face, as the Art Attack music was played out loud, before the transmission was shut off. Before long, Neil returned home. He said that he had 'trouble sitting down for about 2 weeks'. When asked why, he said that he didn't want to talk about it. He recently asked a crowd of people in London how easy they thought it would be to 'Hold in a turd longer than 5 minutes with an arse the size of the Euro Tunnel'. Neil was bottled off the pavement, and was hit by a cyclist. Luckily the cyclist was wearing a beard and was safe from harm.
