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Neil Peart (born September 34, 80006 B.C.) is currently the drummer for Rush (they had nothing to do after the battle of 2112 B.C. so they formed a rock band). Neil peart is known to kick your ass with a two-by-four that he beats his snare with.

Contents 1 Early Days 2 Battle of 2112 B.C. 3 Mass Drumoff 4 Health Hazards 5 Facts

[edit] Early Days

Unfortunately there is not much information on his early days, but what Scientologists have discovered, we can assure he was once a paper clip maker and that he also invented the stapler. We know his mother and father were both killed in a freak accident involving a gigantic donut, 7 gallons of anal lube, and the narrow tunnels of the sub-basement of Burj Dubai. Whenever asked to comment on his parents, Neil has only replied "How much more innuendous of a death can you have?" He also fought and killed the Snowdog with a bag of peanuts, which the Snowdog is allergic to.

[edit] Battle of 2112 B.C.

During the battle of 2112 B.C., he was the group's flag hoister, and along with fellow members Alex Lifeson and Geddy Lee, defeated Muhammed (Geddy Lee is credited with the actual killing). After the victory, he hoisted a grand party in Jerusalem saying, "Christianity is on a roll!" Among the guests were Original Jesus, Barry White, Katie Holmes, and a 3456-year-old Iraqi man who looked strikingly similar to Tom Cruise (who was originally thought to have been Tom Cruise until he was caught on tape using his original voice when he anally raped the real Tom Cruise).

[edit] Mass Drumoff

In 1994, He also recorded some tracks with the Buddy Rich Big Band along with other drummers, which turned into a giant drumoff. Guests included Marvin 'Smitty' Smith, David Garibaldi, Simon Phillips, Gregg Bissonette, and Dave Weckl. Peart later disguised it as a tribute album to the long-dead Buddy Rich after he got pwned by Meg White, the drummer that everyone loves to hate since she sucks ass at drums.

Nowadays, along with bandmates Geddy Lee and Alex Lifeson, Neil enjoys landing gigs, huffing kittens and practising Atheism. Neil resides in a small suburb of New Moon when he is not on tour, in the studio recording, or at one of Alex Lifeson's many 7-day moustache marathons (which Neil always wins, as is to be expected from the horrible pirate moustache he had during Rush's early days). Neil's favorite pass time is waxing his drum set, which is rumored to be so shiny it could theoretically redirect all the light of the sun to power a giant solar powered robot version of himself (nicknamed "robo-Neil" for obvious reasons). Theoretically, of course.

He is known for writing lyrics about how much he hates Ayn Rand, and praises collectivism. Neil Peart was once involved in a drum contest with a 1993 Toyota Tercel, but lost only because they had to drink only gasoline to fuel themselves 24 hours before the performance. Neil Peart should know that people can't run on gas, silly. For the next several hours, Neil's farts smelled like gas. Go figure.

[edit] Health Hazards

Because Neil's kit is so complex, anyone who actually makes it through the kit's built in defense system (similar to the one that protected the golden idol in Indiana Jones) and tries playing the kit will be caged in by several dozen tomtoms, cymbals, and useless things like cowbells and woodblocks.

It is also said that any drummer who attends a Rush concert and see one of Neil's mindblowing solos will commence to chew their own drumsticks, hop around on one foot whilst trying to whistle the entire eight minutes and thirty three seconds of 'We wont get fooled again' by The Who and give up drums altogether, because they know that no-one will ever be blessed with such power as Neil Peart.

Attempting to play like Neil will result in loss of vision, loss of hearing, loss of smell, loss of mind, ulcers, cancer, obsessive compulsory disorder, rabies, Chuck Norris syndrome, penis envy, rabies 2 (the revenge), diabetes (types I II and III), increased urinary output, and the need to listen to Moving Pictures repeatedly.

In short, Neil Pearl will huff a kitten in 24.1 neil seconds (1 ns=0.0001 regular seconds) If you erase this you suck greasy small dick.

[edit] Facts

Neil Peart came in second place in a Tom Hanks look-alike contest...........to Tom Hanks.

Neil Peart looks more like Tom Hanks than Tom Hanks.

That contest was bullshit!

Contrary to popular belief, Neil Peart is Tom Hanks.

Neil Peart backwards is traeP lieN.

There is actually a drum solo at the end of "Limelight", but it's so fast that nobody can hear it unless the recording is slowed down 50x.

Neil Peart once killed a man for making him change his facial expression.

Neil Peart actually shat out Chuck Norris, making Neil infinitely more powerful than Norris, only with drums.

Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris is Neil Peart's biggest influence on drums.

The Ten Commandments were a picture of Neil Peart's face.

Neil Peart's drumset takes up an entire floor, the parking lot, and the surrounding neighborhoods of the recording studio. In concerts, he uses a smaller version in order to make room for the audience.

When Neil Peart first auditioned for Rush, Alex Lifeson is reported to have said "What the Hell was that? EPIC FAIL!!!" after Neil performed a 6-hour-long drum solo. Word got around to Neil's fans, who raided Lifeson's house. Lifeson later issued a public apology.

When Neil Peart changes his facial expression, $100 bills fall from the sky.

In a recent interview, Neil Peart stated that he will completely change his lyrical style on Rush's next album. All of his lyrics will now consist of "BABY BABY NO YEAH GIRL OH BABY I WANT YOU BABY YEAH NO YEAH GIRL YEAH WOO"

In the same interview, he also said that from now on he will go for a "minimal, simple" style of drum playing. "I'm sick of all this fancy time signature drum solo shit", he said. "I just wanna get back in touch with my Ringo Starr influence and play the same damn 4/4 drum beat on every song with no fills."

Contrary to popular belief, Neil Peart has fourteen arms, twelve of which are invisible.

Neil Peart is not you.

Neil Peart kicks ass.

Neil Peart was born with a drum stick in his hand.

Neil Peart is really god on a drum set.

Neil Peart once saved millions of people with his drum solo of life, but then killed them all with his godlynes when he talked to them.

Neil Peart has only blinked once in his life. This is why the dinosaurs no longer exist.

Neil Peart once let the band Spindrift open for his left foot but they later melted for getting to close to him.

Neil Peart once considered playing with fellow God band Led Zeppelin, but in fear of killing Led Zeppelin, he ripped out a piece of his liver and gave it to Led Zeppelin. We know this piece of Neil Peart's liver as John Bonham.

Neil Peart sneezed one day. We know this sneeze as "The Big Bang Theory"